The World's Greatest Husband

The World’s Greatest Husband knew he was because his wife gave him a statue declaring it so. It was a goofy, thrift-store tchotchke of an old man with a hairline that receded like his hair was a Sai sword and was dressed like Mr. Rogers and a tired but humble and content visage. He lightly cried when he received it. He had wanted nothing more in life than to love someone and be the best person he could be for them. Love was what gave life meaning and this was tangible proof that he was living life correctly and well.

This notion was also supported by their neighbors and friends. They saw how attentive he was. How he doted and was kind. They saw how he was always willing to sacrifice. When the World’s Greatest Husband’s wife would tell stories about him, the women around her would be envious. They wished their partners were so willing and agreeable. She would report this back to him and he would humbly smile. “I’m not so great. I just love you and act like it.” He would say it and mean it and feel so secure. He couldn’t make her happy all the time, that’s not reasonable, but he tried. He always tried.

The World’s Greatest Husband wanted to watch the movies that his wife wanted to watch. He wanted to eat what she wanted to eat. If she wanted something from the grocery store he would jump to grab his keys. When she was too sick to clean, he would tell her to please not worry because he would get it done. If she started to get up to get something when she wasn’t feeling well, he would jump up and say, “please don’t trouble yourself. You don’t feel well.” This made him very kind. This made him feel good. He had purpose and he was clearly a good man.

The World’s Greatest Husband’s wife unfortunately was sick a lot. Being so sick also made her feel quite depressed. This just gave him more ways to show that he had his wife’s back. He would double down on his efforts. He would earn the thrift-shop statue that she gave him, which he kept prominently displayed in his home office for his hybrid work schedule.

It became more and more difficult for the World’s Greatest Husband’s wife to get water for herself, so he did it more and more. He would insist because he didn’t want to see her have any pain. He cooked dinner most nights because he didn’t want her to have to stand for that long. He insisted on cleaning the place because why should she suffer? She wanted to get her own water, and she wanted to help clean, but he would assure her, “don’t worry. It will cause you pain, but not me. It just makes sense that I do it.”

The World’s Greatest Husband’s wife would still talk to her doctors or friends, or her hairdresser and come home saying that he was the envy of all of her friends. He truly was the World’s Greatest Husband and that would make him feel great. He was tired, but life is about love above all and he was doing amazing at love. He wasn’t a failure. His wife was depressed more often, but of course she was. The illness was getting worse.

The World’s Greatest Husband really wanted to do everything he could to make his wife happy, so when she asked him what he wanted to watch or eat, he would try to figure out what she might want to watch or eat to suggest it. Sure, he was feeling kind of down himself, but of course he was. Look how much his wife was suffering and he couldn’t fix that, no matter how hard he tried. That’s hard to watch. Being powerless is very difficult, but it was understandable.

In light of this, the World’s Greatest Husband doubled down further. He didn’t need to want things. Plus, his wife was so sweet and caring that she would try to imagine what he wanted while he tried to imagine what she wanted and he would end up getting what he wanted a lot of the time too. What a nice couple they were. She mentioned that it was a little frustrating a few times, but he really wanted her to be happy. They both clearly loved each other very much. They both wanted each other to be happy that badly. Their circumstances were truly cursed, but they were living what they could control in their lives very much right.

The World’s Greatest Husband always knew that there was nothing worse than making his spouse unhappy so he would avoid troubling topics. Sometimes this would make him not mention forgetting to do things he was supposed to do, or when he had problems at work, or when he had a bad day, that was just so troublesome. When she was very depressed or had one of her frequent headaches, he knew that she preferred to not have to think too deeply about engaging in conversation because she had said that a couple of times in the past and he definitely listened.

The World’s Greatest Husband also knew that he could really be a lot with his childish, goofy sense of humor, so he stayed quiet a lot. It was just better to err on the side of being quiet because he didn’t want to be wrong and make it seem like he wasn’t paying attention. Plus, he was so tired, and very stressed. Of course he was. He tried so hard and he wanted so badly for his wife to be happy.

He didn’t care about what was going on in him. It didn’t matter. She suffered so much. The World’s Greatest Husband knew that it was his job to minimize that suffering as much as he could. There was no responsibility higher. If he was always good and never said anything bad and did all the things for her that he possibly could, that is how a good husband behaves. He was living the way he was supposed to and didn’t have to be afraid that he was a failure.

The World’s Greatest Husband had always enjoyed a drink or two, or three, or four. He was a nice drunk, usually. He had a lot of steam to release. He carried a lot of stress, a lot of baggage. He did try to limit his drinking most days. He didn’t want to upset his wife. He also didn’t want to offend her or bother her with his drinking, so he stayed very quiet. He stared at the TV as they both did. He even watched the show with John C. Reilly even though he never liked that actor. Something about Reilly always made him uncomfortable, but his wife thought he was funny and that the show looked good, so it was great with him.

He cooked and did the chores that he could. He did the shopping except when his wife preferred to have them delivered so they could spend more time together. Delivery was so expensive that The World’s Greatest Husband wasn’t sure why she would want it that way because they spent a lot of time together. They loved their TV shows that they watched together. He wouldn’t even talk very much to not bother her, but would talk a little.

One day, the World’s Greatest Husband’s wife said that she didn’t think he was being a very good husband. She was very lonely and it never felt like he was there. She said he was depressed and ignoring it. The World’s Greatest Husband didn’t understand. He was the World's Greatest Husband.

He did all the things. He worked and he cleaned and he cooked and he got her water for her. He only wanted what she wanted because he wanted her to be happy so badly. He was present too. He did drink, and sometimes he overshot the amount he was supposed to and then he would need to be quiet because he didn’t want to make her unhappy. This upset the World’s Greatest Husband. He tried so hard. He wasn’t depressed. He would know if he was depressed. He saw a therapist, like any good husband with his depressive tendencies and such a difficult life would. He was good. How could wanting so badly to be good make one bad?

The World’s Greatest Husband couldn’t be upset about his wife’s feelings. He could disagree, but her life was so hard. Also, a great husband looks to understand his wife’s point of view. A great husband respects his wife and honors her feelings. He didn’t know how or why, but he must be doing something wrong. He would just try harder to be the person that she needed him to be. That was very stressful though, particularly because he was always so tired. That made focusing at work very difficult because he was always at home, whether he was there or not. He couldn’t stop thinking about how he tried so hard and how he had always been the World’s Greatest Husband. His intentions hadn’t changed. How could he be bad now?

The World's Greatest Husband drank a little bit more, not much more, but a little bit. He didn’t want his wife to get upset so he did it without her seeing and would be quiet more because he didn’t want to upset her. He was just so stressed out and so tired. He wasn’t resentful though. She suffered so much. How could he be resentful? It must be his fault. He just needed to keep trying harder to know what she wanted. He just wanted that. That’s all he wanted was a happy wife. That would make him happy too.

Time kept going on and the World’s Greatest Husband’s wife got more depressed and upset with him more frequently. She felt alone in their marriage. He knew that he had to be quieter. He always said the wrong thing, and he got so frustrated because he didn’t understand. He wasn’t frustrated with her of course, she suffered so much, but he did all these things, and she was becoming more and more upset. He wanted to give her what she wanted. He was the World’s Greatest Husband. How was any of this possible?

Plus, they had never fought before. He hated fighting. He would get hurt and realize that he was wrong. When he was a child, he knew that he did everything wrong and was bad so he knew that now could not be different. She wouldn’t be angry with him if he wasn’t bad. She kept saying things about wanting a “partner” and “wanting help” and “feeling alone.” He was always there and he tried so hard. How could any of this be true?!

One night, the World’s Greatest Husband drank more than usual and his wife got upset at him for it. The World's Greatest Husband realized that he was upset too and said very mean things. He said things that he was not proud of and that felt very irrational to him, and he couldn’t really understand why. For some reason, the fight felt like it encapsulated more than just the fight and he could not contain it. The World’s Greatest Husband hurt his wife’s feelings very much. His feelings were hurt too. They had been for a long time, he only now realized. Something changed inside of him, and he was more confused than ever.

After a few weeks of off and on intense fighting, they loved and understood each other very much, and forgiveness came, but forgiveness felt like a band-aid, The World’s Greatest Husband moved in with his parents for a while. The World's Greatest Husband started drinking more and acting out more. He found himself at a strip club for reasons that he could not really grasp. He certainly couldn’t be angry. He couldn’t be resentful. He was just so tired and so stressed. He looked in the mirror and didn’t know who he saw anymore. The World’s Greatest Husband wasn’t a man, he was an idea.

Lawyers had started drafting the fate of the union of the World’s Greatest Husband and his wife. He still didn’t understand. How could one be bad when they wanted so badly to be good? What had happened? Who was this person he now saw? What did he want for dinner tonight, now that his wife wasn’t involved in the decision? What would he watch on TV? He didn’t eat much and didn’t really watch TV anymore.

The soon to be ex-wife of The World’s Greatest Husband was feeling hopeful one day after some good talks and a lot of apologizing from The World’s Greatest Husband, and he told her about how he was taking control of his life. Honoring his wants and needs. Becoming a full person again. She thought it would be nice if they saw each other.

They met at a park, and it went well. They laughed a little and remembered a time when life wasn’t so complicated. Maybe they would go to the movies.

“What would The World’s Greatest Husband like to see, anyway?”

“Well, that John C. Reilly movie looks funny. Maybe we could see that.”

The World’s Greatest Husband’s wife’s heart shrank. Her breath pushed out of her so hard and fast it was like she had a Shop Vac hose in her mouth, and a tear came down the left side of her face. The World’s Greatest Husband knew at this moment that he was being left for good, and he knew she was right to do it.

“I just wanted a partner, not a servant.” Another tear came down with the words and her voice hitched in the middle. She walked up to The World’s Greatest Husband, put her hand on his cheek, and kissed him. They both had sporadic tears dripping on their faces.

“I think the documents should be ready next week. I guess we’ll just touch base somewhere in the signing.”

The World’s Greatest Husband said an awkward goodbye, observed its reciprocation weave its way through a blurry processing system, and the now former couple walked in opposite directions to get to their cars.