My Entire Teaching Career for Seven Useless Awards

“Pizza? I see you bought love for the day.

"I'd know because I was a teacher, too. I did stuff like that, then they screwed me when I got everything I wanted… I need to sit. It's a slow day at the pizza shop.

“You don’t know me? Not surprised, the teacher’s union stamped out any creativity and innovation I offered here. I haven’t been here since I got fired two years ago.

"See those green drapes? That was my student and best friend Madison’s idea.

“What? Don't look at me like that! You should be friends with your students! It’s how they learn best and how you learn about the world they're in. And my kids were the best.

"Did your kids get you the Gold Medal of Teaching Excellence? Five Ivy Vines for all five kids passing the Collegiate Aptitude Test? The Diamond Pen of Lesson Planning?

“Exactly. My best friend Madison that for me. Then the rest of my kids just… ripped it away from me the moment I got to my zenith at the Chepachet Academic Conference. Everyone shit their pants in the auditorium, and somehow the teachers all blamed me for it to get their rocks off.

"Oh no, that's literal. Something got my other three friends to turn on me. One morning, they suddenly all walk out, go to the convenience store, buy laxatives, spike that morning's breakfast, then as I got my awards, everyone tries to leave for the bathroom. They couldn’t let me enjoy what I worked for. Instead they orchestrated something to make me look stupid in front of the Animal Breeding Council's Academic Division.

“Those four kids were my master’s thesis! I picked them all up to go to the conference in my van, one by one, because a school bus wouldn’t go through Staines Village. They're convinced this place is full of trailer parks, ghettos and manufactured houses. I still picked them up every day for school and this contest because I loved them.

“I picked up Ulf. He's an enormous, hairy, brown, cow, so I loaded him in first. He was a shoulder shrugging, video game and pornography connoisseur, but I convinced him to love math. Sure, I bribed him candy on my desk, but because of that he's capable of parking a spaceship on a comet. That day, he was in a black two-piece suit, combed hair, and even took a shower! I was so proud and entertained by him running laps around the other drop-outs-to-be without even trying all that hard.. Now, he’s working the slushee machine aimlessly joining them.

“It was Harry's turn next, since he lived around the bend. By a stroke of luck, I stopped him from shooting up the school with whatever gun he planned to buy with his deadbeat trailer trash dad’s credit card. I managed to get him to turn around, drop the right-wing epithets and write mesmerizing poetry. He belted out a thesaurus just to describe how beautiful I was. God I gotten so fat and my coat is so gray now... Harry was rising from the ash as a new coyote. Last I heard, he’s in a prison gang, still griping how he was called an accident.

“I was excited to pick up Madison, because she was the best of all of them. She lived in a shared house with her druggie mother. Madison used to dish out the latest poison and smuggle it in school by queefstering to pay her own grocery bill. I cried when I heard that after I caught her cheating on a test. I fed her, clothed her, let her bunk with my daughter while she got clean. She was so grateful, unlike my straight B student daughter that would rather see her loser dad. Madison practically embarrassed her because she was smart, funny, kind, and creative! She even made wooden charms for my bracelet, see? I miss her so much…

“Then I picked up Francesca. She used to find all types of unique ways to be antisocial. It didn’t help she was constantly accused of being in the closet for liking rainbow colored clothes and having nasty rumors about her sniffing underwear in the girl's room. The truth was worse though, she was trying to spread herpes and got caught. I couldn't help but try to be her therapist. I lied and said I got bullied too, and she even would give me the latest gossip about the rest of the bottom 80% of the school with it. Plus, she gave me ways of keeping bad kids in their place. Suddenly after all that, she was gunning to be a Pre-Med student. I wrote her a recommendation letter. It wasn’t like she didn’t earn it after all my amateur therapy and extra help. Those field mouse hands were made for surgery. I still remember the trifold poster she lugged with her that was about three times her size. I never heard from her again after that day.

“Madison reminded me to get Jake, despite my best efforts to forget. That permanently confused face pissed me off. His feathered feet gripped pencils and said my name forced me to correct him every time. He was a walking insult to everyone’s intelligence, especially mine. He guessed and checked enough to get lucky to be there. He treated it like any other day, wearing basketball shorts, a tee shirt, and a fitted cap.

“An hour and a half later, we got to the convention center in the middle of the brutal forest of gray buildings under a smog filled sky. When I dropped them off at the front, I didn’t even have to ask them to stick together. Madison said: ‘Yo, Miss, I gotchu.’ I think Jake was kept compliant since he was afraid of her billy goat horns impaling him.

“I had time to park the car and get to a pay phone to tell my kid there was lasagna in the freezer and that I wouldn’t be home until tomorrow. She tried guilt tripping me with her latest line, ‘Mom, It’s my birthday,’ and my stupid ex-husband was at her newest pity party saying ‘How could you forget?’ I told them to fuck off and hung up and went to see a real family that cared about me.

“I got to the convention center foyer and someone remarked how well behaved my four angels were. I couldn’t help but rub Madison and Harry on the back for being so exceptional and saving me a spot in line. Francesca got all cuddly too, because she needed ‘a dopamine hit from big sister.’ That line of hers was great. They didn’t care I was a poodle, I was their life, and they were mine.

"Then, Jake ruined it: ‘You guys are acting weird again.’

“’Acting weird? You are weird,’ Francesca stepped up for me.

“’Harry, what’s the word for when the kid is asking for it? I think she tricked you guys into it,’ Jake insulated like the bastard he is!

"Some teacher’s union thugs, jealous parents, and spellbound tutors started to cackle at us. Then Harry spoke, ‘It’s called friendship, you would know that if you had friends,’ and put him back in his place so eloquently while embracing me to spite him. I didn't mind. ‘Not everything is as vulgar as you think it is.' Oh, I loved that part. Of course, the onlookers took Jake’s side, because deep down they wished they were me!

“The moment I grabbed the schedule, I led all my kids to the table we were assigned. The glory of seeing the table reserved for the ‘Victoria Labelle,’ was surreal. Harry pulled the chair out for me as soon as I got my second coffee. Madison hurried to grab the seat next to me as soon as she saw me. Ulf got me food. Francesca got me water to keep me hydrated. And Jake just... well he sat there.

“We went over the schedule to make sure we had everything right. The CAT was after breakfast, then lunch, then, all at the same time, the science fair, art show, math prix, and the speech contest. The CAT results would be announced after all that, followed by a complimentary dinner.

“’We’re skipping dinner for something better, right?’ Ulf asked, and right he was. The Restaurant of Many Things and Cake called our name no matter the results, and the world knew it, because they all deserved it.

“Our team break out was perfect, it made everyone annoyed that we had synergism. We all went to our rooms and checked them all out. My room looked over the skyline and made me forget where I was, then suddenly I passed out and didn’t wake up until half past noon. I freshened up in my room and reapplied my eyeshadow and lipstick all over again. It took another half an hour but I managed to rush back out to the lobby.

"I was halfway ready to mingle and rub my achievements in the faces of the other teachers and tutors, but then I saw Ulf there having undoubtedly his second lunch and the math prix wasn’t even over.

“He said, ‘It was easy because it’s a big puzzle, like you said. Besides, I wanted a sandwich,’ he handed me the result from the scan. Ninety-nine percent correct.

I was profusely panting and jumping and cheering. I had to step outside to get fresh air. Of course, a kid went off, ‘That guy cheated! There’s no way he did all that so fast!’

“To which I replied: ‘When you’re painfully mediocre, everyone looks like they cheated.’

“She ran off crying, just like my daughter did when I said that to her. Works every time.

“I popped back in, went to the Science Fair to see Francesca, going over the trifold with a laser pointer, showing all types of visuals on acetaminophen interacts with the body. She gave examples on how it worked and all its applications! Everyone was asking her questions and she cited clinical trials from the back of her paw. Such a brilliant girl like her shouldn’t have just disappeared like she did.

“It was the same spectacle because Madison stole the art show with her portfolio. Her inner-city tomboy charisma sold it. Everyone crowded to her self-portrait, the landscapes, the portrait of me that I still have, and the still life studies. The wood carvings were all fondled and appraised and everyone wanted one, even the charms.

“Harry’s oration was objectively the best. He came up with a modest proposal to try love instead of hate as a method to teach for his speech. The rhetoric, tone, and narrative, fit with examples, was just breath taking. My favorite line was: ‘Yes, it’s love that nurtures the soul and creates a real education. Take it from my teacher. She was able to tie every single lesson to my hippocampus to ensure that every student was able to learn effectively. Would you rather remember chlorine cleaner and chalk? Or an amazing woman giving her life for you to make sure you succeed in yours?’ he winked at me as I was there. My stupid ex-husband never said anything like that, and here was a seventeen-year-old kid saying it, trying and nearly succeeding at swooning me.

"Yet, Jake won because the judges thought he was... funny. Pfft...

“I sat in the lobby and met my ecstatic kids again. Harry was a bit disappointed, but he knew he won the contest in his heart. I was ushered into the auditorium where the CAT results were announced, and we saw where they placed. And all five of them, yes, even Jake, scored in the top five percentile of the national average. I was on cloud nine, knowing that despite the way they all hated me, I was due my awards.

“The Restaurant of Many Things and Cake awaited us. We all walked and started cheering and celebrating. I was drunk off their success, so Ulf had to carry my on his giant shoulders. That was one of my best memories from that day for sure. The teachers, tutors, and homeschooling degenerates all looked at me so angry at my success at everything I did. That made everything about dinner so much sweeter. I spent the entirety of my twenties perfecting the art of teaching and they hated me for it. They all helplessly stared as we went in the restaurant, got a full-on booth with my reservation, and sat righteously proud of ourselves. We scanned the menu and ordered our ideal meals immediately. The moment we got our non-alcoholic drinks, we toasted to our success. Jake sat there confused, but everyone else partook. I felt brushing on both my legs from Harry and Francesca, oh that was flattering that they couldn't get enough of me. Madison was there cracking all types of jokes and having us solve riddles while we waited.

The appetizers were scarfed. Then quickly the entrees followed… along with Jake saying: ‘The food takes the edge off being used for your dream and tossed in the garbage, Miss Label! Thanks!’

Madison came right back saying 'Jake why yous haten?' but the rest of the kids sat quiet not touching the food."

“Oh god, wait… that was it! I just laughed it off… that evil piece of shit insinuated I was manipulating them! No wonder the energy was gone from that point forward! He destroyed ten years of my hard work and a whole year of networking with a sentence! FUCK! HOW DIDN’T I SEE THAT?! I picked up a tab worth half paycheck for NOTHING because of HIM!

“I… we all went back to our rooms and… I knew something was wrong at the time but didn't know what! I stopped Madison to ask her what was wrong and she said ‘Nuthin,’ and went back to being overtly defensive. Harry didn’t come near me, Francesca was locked up in her room and Ulf was trying to get pay-per-view.

"I pleaded with Madison, and she finally asked: ’Did you really want a medal that bad?’

“I was speechless. I leaned down and rested my paws on her shoulders. ‘Maddie, when you win, I win! Vice versa. That's what being besties is a about.’

“Then she pulled out a long sheet of paper… the answers to the CAT she took. ‘I woulda done it if you jus’ axed me,’ then she left in tears.

“The next morning they were gone! Hallway, only Jake and he agreed to wait at the auditorium. I should have ripped his throat out there! I rushed to the lobby. None of them were there. I was rushing and pushing everyone aside. Then… the four of them sauntered in from the front entrance, with a bag from the convenience store, clammed up. I tried to reason with them, but they leaned away at any advance I made and just kept walking for the auditorium, as if I personally wounded them. Madison was walking funny, Francesca brandished her incisors with a hateful smile. Ulf sat quiet with his slushee, bored. Harry was furious about something. Then there was Jake, unchanged, waiting in line. They joined him. Not me. They kept talking to him, as if he was so FUCKING COOL! They couldn't get enough of him. They... ditched me.

“I stupidly thought, if they saw me getting the awards, they’d be thrilled to be there and have me credit them they would see it my way. But their minds were made up, BY JAKE! They put in a plan, to get back at me for doing... nothing! I did nothing to deserve any of that!

“When we were called up as a group during the award ceremony, I was so ecstatic holding up my trophies so high. I was… never happier to hold those. The hot lights shined on me, I was thrilled to start mentioning my students and all their talents. They sat there... like lumps. The kids were invited to speak. They bump Jake's side to go first.

"He says: 'Miss Label taught us how to take tests! That’s why we did so good!’ when all he did was guess and check his way through everything. Then, Ulf gets up and plays a methane trumpet to break bladders and sits down at a job well done. Francesca started laughing at me. Harry, my best public speaker gets up and says: ‘I guess the foreigners must have put E. Coli in the food. After all, they’ll do anything to commit terrorism against the most erudite youth.’ Francesca cackled at me and bitterly chided: ‘I hope you feel as shitty as we do, whore.’ Madison just sat there with her rectangular eyes shimmering the hot light back at me, casting down drops as she examined a two twenties.

"After that so-called prank, there was nothing. Just me, holding trinkets in an empty auditorium while everyone left me. I had no real friends and the whole world let me know it. There was no joy to be had or anyone to brag to. There wasn't even a single thing for me to fall back on.

“The day I came back to school, I got fired. The union gave me a termination package, which of course I had to sign otherwise I wouldn’t be able to eat. I had nothing after that. But gee, at least they didn’t take away my trophies. About three days later, Madison overdosed. Like that my only real friend was gone for good.

“So now, this place gets to rot. Everything I put in, gone. Anything that could grow from it was quickly exterminated. All because of...

“God fucking damn it. I gave up my family, burned bridges and bullied high-school kids for...

"...I have to go. The dinner rush is soon..."