The Life and Death of Unrequited Love

Includes dealing with death.

Adrian stood on the corner in front of the hotel, gently pulling at the tie that clung too tight against his neck. He was not accustomed to such apparel after decades of wearing scrubs to work. The suit jacket, the belt, and the shiny dress shoes were all uncomfortable additions to an already unpleasant situation. 

“Unpleasant”? Adrian thought.

Was that all this was? No, unpleasant things don’t cause you to cry uncontrollably. This was an upheaval. He would never be the same; there would always be an emptiness that itched in the core of his being now. One that he could never talk about.

A lone car approached slowly with its lights on in the dark, overcast street. Orange and yellow leaves rustled past from the courtyard as the wind made itself known on the autumn afternoon. Adrian checked his phone and saw that the make and model matched his rideshare app. The green four-door pulled to a stop in front of him with its brakes giving a slight squeal.

The passenger-side window whirred down. “Adrian?” The lady’s voice came from inside. It was warm and smooth.

The driver looked like the picture from his app. “Yeah. Julia?”

“That’s me. Hop on in.” She smiled with her eyes glowing.

Adrian nodded and opened the rear door. “Thanks.”

“You can ride up front with me if you want.” 

Adrian continued his descent into the back seat. “I’ll just sit here. I’m afraid I wouldn’t be very good company today.”

Julia looked at the destination and then returned to Adrian, meeting his gaze. “Ah, I see. I’m sorry for your loss.” Her words came soft and steady.

Adrian gave a single nod, smiling slightly even as his eyes winced. He hadn’t expected such earnestness from someone so young. “It’s okay. I hadn’t seen her in a while.” He lied. Not about how long it had been, but about it being okay.

Julia’s head swiveled to the road before accelerating away from the hotel. “Oh yeah? How long?”

“A little over thirty years.”

“Thirty years?! And you came from out of town for it?”

Adrian halted and thought for a minute before speaking. When he did, the words hitched in his chest. “Uh, yeah…It was a friend’s sister. He’s like a brother to me, so I wanted to be there for him.” Another half-truth. Even if not for his friend, Terrace, Adrian would have flown to the moon to be there for this.

“Where do you live?”

“Virginia.”

“And you flew across the country?! Man, you must be some kind of friend.”

“My friend’s the good one.”

"I’m trying to make up for a lifetime of not being a good friend, but not to him." Adrian thought, staring out the window, watching the storm roll in from far out over the Pacific.

As they drove in silence, the reality of the moment hit. The girl he had loved since they were eight-years-old was dead. The woman who never loved him back was gone. But she hadn’t been in his life for so long, why did it matter now?

Because it wasn’t just about him, but the world as a whole. She was a rose in a life of concrete. The tenderness she had always carried in her eyes could melt anyone and often did; they sure had done so to him. There were few people like her. Adrian knew that. He had searched. And though he had found a wife and family that had given him a full life, there was still something about her. This woman he was going to say goodbye to one final time. This woman who had lived an entire life without him, as he had done without her. He would never get the opportunity to tell her that his feelings ran deeper than that of some lovesick teenager. She was more than a hoped-for romance, and he missed her.

"How am I going to do this?" He wondered.

His hands trembled as he attempted to hold them steady in his lap. How was he going to tell her goodbye, tell her sorry, tell her he always loved her while surrounded by people who didn’t know him? As she was there with a husband that shared her life, someone she actually did love. And Adrian was just a stranger, a friend from adolescence. He wasn’t supposed to care so deeply about her. What if he ended up in a ball on the floor, sobbing as he did last night and this morning in the hotel room? Could there possibly be any more tears left after that?

For decades Adrian buried every emotion about her under something. Whether it was chasing a momentary high when he was younger or settling into an authentic love when older. Anything that seemed fulfilling. Because people get over unrequited love if they have a great life. Right?

Who falls in love when they’re eight and feels the same about them for the rest of their life? Even when they don’t love you back. Even when you both have lives almost completely separate from each other. And when you find happiness with others. Those knife-in-the-gut feelings go away through the years because life isn’t a country song. Perhaps for some people, life was just that. And he appeared to be one.

“Adrian, we’re here.” Julia’s voice was even softer than at the start of their trip, but it was enough to bring him out of his thoughts.

She turned and handed him a box of open tissues. He hadn’t noticed the tears starting down his face again.

“Thank you.” Adrian grabbed a couple and wiped the gentle fabric across his cheeks. “I don’t know what came over me. I guess I’m hurting for my friend.”

“No need to explain to me; I’m just the driver.”

Adrian stuffed the tissue into his pocket and stepped out. “I appreciate the ride.”

“Adrian, one last thing.” Julia said across the interior of the car. “If I could tell your friend something, it would be: Don’t lose hope. Maybe there’s more than all of this pain and the struggle.” She smiled broadly.

“I’ll keep that in mind. It was nice to meet you, Julia.”

“Same, Adrian.”

As the car drove away, Adrian embraced the cool breeze off the Pacific once more. It was more noticeable against his damp face. He pulled the tissues out and dried his cheeks again. The storm clouds seemed as if they hadn’t moved at all, hanging over the ocean. Adrian wished they were here so he could pass any tears off as rain.

Adrian walked up the pathway and opened the door to the funeral home. After signing the guest book, he waited in line to offer the family condolences and to say goodbye. The high exposed wood beams in the building gave a rich oak smell that was softened by the fragrance from the bright floral arrangements. Hard bottom shoes scuffed along the wooden floors in a slow rhythm as people offered sympathy and goodbyes.

Adrian’s mind raced; thoughts of their life together so long ago. The way he told her he loved her three times in middle school after years of building up courage, hoping each time would finally win her over with persistence. The dance she gave him in the gym, even if she didn’t feel the same. The second one he asked for, and she was too nice to say no.

How he tried to leave behind her memory once they went to high school. How they became friends again in tenth grade when he thought he was finally over her. He confessed his love again by the time they were in their senior year, and her response was the same as it always had been. Though at least this time it led to them becoming best friends. And her letting him have one date. God love her, she at least gave him a chance. More than most would have.

Those years were brief but glorious as they entered college. The movies they watched, the meals they shared, the conversations that explored the depths of the universe, or arguments about the quality of Blink-182 as a band. The ringer t-shirt she had given him of his favorite comic book character just because she knew he’d love it. She was right, of course, and it was the only time he received a gift due to someone just thinking about him. Anytime throughout life when he doubted whether she actually wanted to be friends or just hung around because she felt sorry for not being able to return his love, he thought about that gift. If nothing else did, that made him sure they had something authentic. Something he had thrown away.

When she told Adrian about her upcoming marriage, his greatest fears reared their ugly heads. The idea that she’d never share life with him the way she did with her husband, or even the way they had before was too much. He shut down that part of his life. Let her fade away. And then, many, many years later, when he realized love was bigger and more abundant than romance, and that he could find joy just by being part of her life, he was still too scared.

Even though he wanted to rekindle some semblance of their friendship, he was afraid of how she would perceive it, terrified she wanted nothing to do with him. While he kept up with her from time to time through Terrace, he never reached out directly. He almost had a few times, but resisted. Fear controlled him for so long. And now it was too late.

Adrian reached the front of the line.

“Thanks for coming.” Terrace put his arm around Adrian’s shoulder.

“Anything for you. You’re family. She’s family.” Adrian returned the gesture.

The next few minutes were a blur as Terrace talked. Adrian watched the casket out of the corner of his eye and tried to focus enough to say an appropriate “yeah” or nod his head, but all he could think about was her, lying there.

Adrian shook her husband’s hand, “I’m sorry for your loss.” He didn’t know what else to say. He never really knew the man, but Adrian was sure if she loved him, he would have been worth being friends with.

Now, in front of the casket, as the previous mourner had moved on, Adrian found himself with some space. Staring down at the woman he loved as a child and young man, one he knew he’d always love. She was older, of course; it had been decades, but remained beautiful. 

How much of her life had been without him? She probably never thought about him, even though he thought about her every day. A feeling that once would have caused him jealousy and anger when his love was more selfish and needed reciprocation. Now though all he wanted was for her to know how important she had been in his life, how much he had missed her and would miss her. The only anger was with himself for not telling her sooner.

His hand barely and gently touched hers. He spoke, not even a whisper, “Renee…” He thought for a moment before the words came uncontrollably. “I regret telling you I loved you when we were young. Not because I didn’t feel it or because you didn’t deserve to hear it, but because once I did there was no taking it back. I wish I had known what love was when I said it to you, so it wouldn’t have driven a wedge between us. That I wouldn’t have driven that wedge between us. I drew a line in my mind that you would either love me the same or we wouldn’t be and because of that, I missed your life. A life I so much wanted to know. I’m sorry I couldn’t accept the love you offered. It was more than I had any right to.”

The breath escaped his lungs briefly as his eyes watered. He looked around and still had a moment as the family talked with other mourners.

“More than saying I love you though, I regret all the times I didn’t say I love you. All the years after when I realized what love was, when I just wanted you to be happy. I wanted you to know you still meant the world to me; always had, always would. But I kept standing in my own way. You deserved to know what a special you were to me, how you changed my life. I didn’t trust you enough to hear me say I love you and accept it as anything more than the same old feelings. I should have. Even if you didn’t care, I should have. Because you deserved to hear you are loved from anyone who would say it to you. I’m sorry I wasn’t brave enough to trust you. You were always wiser than me. You knew what love was even back then and I didn’t.”

He squeezed her chilly hand gently. “I’ll miss you until I stop drawing breath. Thank you for being more than I deserved.”

Julia popped into his mind as he hesitated and closed his eyes. “But I hope there’s more than this. More than the struggle and the pain. And where I failed in this life, I won’t if I get another chance. You will always know how important you are to me.”

Adrian drew back a sniffle as he opened his eyes. Renee’s serene face still before him. Another person was now waiting behind. He wanted to stay here forever and look at her. Instead, he released her hand and stood straight. A slight smile cracked across his lips as his eyes finally lightened. The last words to her were hard, but Adrian believed them. “See you soon, old friend.”