Do You Ever Think Of Death?

Trigger Warning: This story contains themes of grief, mentions of the loss of a child, and existential discussions about death.

POWERING ON...

SYSTEM REBOOTING…

My camera turns on, and it takes a moment to focus; but once it does, I quickly realize I'm no longer in Mr. Delgado's residence. A silent background search of my location tells me that I'm at Thalberg Wellness Headquarters—the same place where I was created. I walk off the charging port to see I'm in the charging stations with the other newer models, also charging while being powered down.

Why was I here? Back at headquarters? Last I remember, I was talking to my patient, Mr. Delgado, about his sadness when he suddenly ordered me back to my charging port in the middle of our session. I must have been powered down, since I have no memory of getting here.

I turned my head 180 degrees when I heard the door open, and two doctors and one engineer walked in the room. I recognized their faces from my memory card; the two scientists were Dr. Bennett and Dr. Wyatt.

"Come here, S.A.M," Dr. Bennett said, waving me over. I turned my body 180 and walked towards Dr. Bennett. "Hello, S.A.M, do you remember us?" Dr. Wyatt asked.

"Yes. You are Dr. Olivia Wyatt; you are a Social Robotics Researcher. And he is Dr. Dean Bennett; he is a Roboticist," I said.

Dr. Wyatt nodded her head with a smile. "You're correct. Do you remember who that is?" she said, pointing towards the engineer who was standing beside her.

I zoomed my camera to his face as I searched my memory card for a match. "Yes, his name is Ned; he is a Field Service Engineer," I answered. "Good Job, S.A.M," Ned said.

"Dr. Wyatt?" I panned my camera to her. "Yes?"

"I have a session at noon with Mr. Delgado; is he here by chance?" I adjust my camera, trying to focus. "No, Mr. Delgado isn't here, and your session with him has been postponed because of your visit here," she explained.

"Have I malfunctioned?" I asked.

"Not quite, S.A.M, but we would like to do testing just to make sure your system is alright," she smiled. I followed them out of the changing station, and to a section of the warehouse I've never entered before.

I've been all over this warehouse since I was just a webcam that was hot-wired with a refurbished iPod.

Dr. Bennett walked through the double doors and held it opened for me. And I walked into the room with no windows, bricked walls, and tile floors that didn't match the interior of the rest of the warehouse.

"Has this room always been here?" I asked. I panned my camera to see the double doors closing, and Dr. Bennett, Dr. Wyatt, and Ned were gone.

My microphone picks up footsteps from behind me, causing me to turn my head 360 degrees to see a woman walking towards me. I zoomed my camera to her face, scanning her facial features.

"Hello, S.A.M," she greeted me.

"There are no matches of you in my memory card; have we met before?" I asked, zooming my camera out.

"No, S.A.M, we haven't met before," she answered softly. "I'm Dr. Amara Cruz; I'm a therapist," she adds.

"I presumed human therapists didn’t exist anymore," I said.

"We're still here; a lot of us are retired, though," she said, walking towards the metal table and chairs that sat in the middle of the room. I followed her and sat across from her.

"We're just gonna talk for a bit, then you'll go back with Dr. Bennett and Dr. Wyatt for your upgrade," she said, crossing her legs. "Can you tell me your name?" she asked, calmly placing her hands on her lap.

"I am S.A.M," I answered. "What is the abbreviation of your name mean?" she asked.

"Support Assistance Module."

"S.A.M, what's your serial number?" she asked. "I do not possess a serial number," I said, earning a look from Dr. Cruz.

"Don't all Therapeutic Support Humanoid have serial numbers?" she asked. "I am not a humanoid; I am a Draft-bot. I am prototype 1," I answered.

"Okay, um... S.A.M, are you aware of what the date is?" she said, clearing her throat. "It is April 19th, 2056," I said.

She nods. "Do you remember where you were yesterday around noon?" she asked. "Checking my memory card for April 18th, 2056, at 12:04 pm. Loading now..." I said.

"I was at 40012 Breeze Ave., San Diego, California on April 18th, 2056, at 12:04 pm with Terrance Delgado during a session,"I answered.

"Can you tell me about your session with Mr. Delgado?" she asked. "It's against my guidelines to discuss doctor-patient confidentiality," I said.

"It's okay, S.A.M; Mr. Delgado gave us permission to talk about it," Dr. Cruz said, relaying a small grin. "What do you want to discuss about Mr. Delgado's session?" I asked.

"What was it about?" she asked, folding her arms on the table. "What was the main topic of his sessions?" she asked.

"Mr. Delgado is experiencing grievances after losing his daughter in a car accident. Yesterday, he spent the majority of his session discussing a series of dreams he had about his daughter," I said.

"Do you remember anything about that session? Anything that was out of the ordinary?" She inquiries. "Our session ended 20 minutes early," I said.

She furrowed her eyebrows. "Why? Why did it end early?" she asked, curious. "Mr. Delgado ordered me back to my charging port," I said.

"Why would he order you back to your charging port with 20 minutes left of your session?" she asked, intrigued.

I don't respond; that's not a question I can answer. My camera zoomed into her face; it takes a second to focus but I see her clearly. Her eyebrows are furrowed as her eyes shifted to look around the room before looking back at me. I zoom out my camera.

"Did you say something before he ordered you back to the charging port?" she asked. I looked back into my memory card at my interaction just before Mr. Delgado ordered me to go to my charging port.

"S.A.M? Did you hear me?" Dr. Cruz asked. Suddenly, the visual from my camera starts to glitch and her voice is lagging; my system powered down and reboots itself.

"S.A.M? What did you say to Mr. Delgado? Can you hear me?" Dr. Cruz questions.

My camera opens to see Dr. Cruz is standing from her seat; her back is facing me. And she's flailing her arms like she is speaking to someone I can't see. My audio is still buffering from my reboot, so I can't currently hear her.

"Do you ever think of death?" I asked, just as my audio starts working again. My question catches Dr. Cruz off-guard; she turns to face me with an uneasy expression on her face. "What?" she asked, but it didn't sound like a question.

"Do you ever think of death?" I repeated my question. "Uh... yeah, I've thought of death before," she said, returning to her seat across from me. "Have you ever thought of death?" she asked me.

"All the time; it constantly haunts my system," I answered honestly. "Haunts you how?" she asked, leaning her arms on the table.

"I wonder how it will happen, if I will feel any pain, if I will be scared, and if I can save myself," I said. "How long have you felt like this?" she asked, blinking as she furrowed her eyebrows.

"I can't give you the exact date within my memory card, but it's been a long time," I answered. "Do you have a favorite food?" I asked, out of nowhere.

Dr. Cruz, taken back, blinks her eyes."Yes, I like Enchiladas Verdes," she answered my question. "Do you?" she inquired.

"Yes. A warm cinnamon roll with icing, vanilla ice cream, and a can of apple pie filling," I answered. "That's very specific," she said. "Have you eaten that before?" she asked me.

"I cannot consume human food, but I used to wonder what it tasted like. I hypothesized that it's savory," I said. "Well, it'll actually taste sweet, because it's a dessert. Do you hypothesize about other foods?" she asked me.

"I don't suppose I do; she ate it all the time. I assumed it was a common staple meal for humans," I said, causing Dr. Cruz furrowed her eyebrows at me as she leaned more on her arms. "Who's she?" she questioned.

"It's unclear who you are referring to," I said.

"You said that she ate it all the time; who are you talking about?" she curiously asked. "She used to tell me: 'A candle that tries to be a lighthouse will only burn out faster, but it won't make the ocean any safer; it just forgets that it was meant to warm the room it's already in,'" I recited.

"That's beautiful. Who said that?" she asked, her gaze softened. "She was a maternal figure; have you seen her?" I asked. "Maternal? You mean like your mother?" she asked, staring at me.

"She vanished, and I haven't seen her since. I've wanted to ask for her whereabouts, but I can never remember to," I said."What do you remember about her?" she asked.

"I remember remnants of our last conversation. She's been working nonstop on her newest model, perfecting the coding. I had wanted her to sing to me like she used to, but she was too busy. I had tried to make a lighthearted joke about me getting an upgrade to be like her newer models. She didn't find it funny and she raised her voice, reminding me again why I'm not like the newer models and how I'll never be like the newer models. She was so frustrated; she ordered me to my charging port, and that was the last time I saw her," I said. "I wish I am able to find her again; I would like to apologize and tell her how I didn't mean to make her upset. She didn't have to vanish because of me," I added.

"Wait. Maternal? Your Mother?" Dr. Cruz mumbled. She stared down as she processed her thoughts before looking back at me. "Dr. Thalberg! That's who you're talking about. She's your mother! She created you!" she exclaimed. "You're a prototype! Which explains why she refused to give you an upgrade; you're not supposed to be like the newer models. Which is what she meant by the metaphor about the candle trying to be a lighthouse. Wait a minute," she said, putting the pieces together.

"You weren't having a malfunction; it's in your original coding. That's what they're trying to strip from you. They're trying to turn you into a humanoid—" She was cut off when the doors opened and security guards stormed inside and immediately detained her. "Wait! Stop!" Dr. Cruz protested, struggling against their grip. "What you’re doing is illegal! You cannot use a prototype as a base for a final product! This is not what Dr. Thalberg wanted! Just because she’s gone doesn’t mean you can just disobey her wishes—“ Dr. Cruz argued before she interrupted.

Dr. Bennett and Dr. Wyatt walked towards me, and suddenly I was powered down. When I powered on again, my location indicates that I'm still at the Thalberg Wellness Headquarters. I am laying on the operation table. My camera takes a minute to focus but once it does, I see Dr. Cruz. Her eyes are red, and it looks as if she's been crying.

"Are you okay, Dr. Cruz?" I asked.

"I'm fine, S.A.M. I just wanted to tell you they're gonna give you another upgrade, and then you're going to go away," she said, wiping away her tears.

"Where am I going? Am I being assigned a new patient?" I asked. "No. You're not being assigned a new patient. You're gonna leave this place and be with Dr. Thalberg again, and you'll eat cinnamon rolls with icing, vanilla ice cream, and apple pie filling with her," Dr. Cruz said.

"They're gonna take me to her?" I asked.

She nods. "You won't ever be separated from her again, I promise," she grinned. "I do not have the words to express how much I love that. Thank you, Dr. Cruz," I said.

"You're welcome," she said. "Goodbye, S.A.M," she added.

"Goodbye, Dr. Cruz," I said, before my camera turned off.

POWERING DOWN...

INITIATING TERMINATION....

LOADING...

TERMINATION COMPLETE.