Professor Johnson's Awesome Time Machine

Professor Johnson's Awesome Time-Machine

Once upon a time in a huge metropolis called Danville, Va. there lived a mad scientist named Professor Johnson. Actually, that was the nickname people called him because they loved it whenever he'd go to the, "john." He couldn't do anything right which is what made him mad. The only reason he graduated from college was because none of the professors wanted to have him around for another year. In other words, when it came to being smart, he made a really good gardener. Some people said when God handed out brains he thought He said, "trains" and missed his. Other people claimed he thought He said, "rains" and ran for cover. Yet all the staff and faculty said the Lord put his brains in with a teaspoon and somebody jiggled His arm. All the professors felt like teaching him anything was a waist of time, even though all of the, "waist" he knew about was where all those Whoppers and Big Macs went he would eat because he wasn't smart enough to learn how to cook. Most people refured to him as The Prof because it was shorter and nobody wanted to spend any extra time or ink when mentioning him. The main thing he wanted his students to learn was how precious their time was and how horrible it was to misuse it. He was a nice guy, but many people said he was a few fries short of a Happy Meal. His elevator didn't go all the way to the top floor. His bred wasn't quite done. His lights were on but nobody was home. He was all bear and no foam. His weals were spinning except his hamster was dead. Some people even said when doctors did an e. e. g., a catscan and dogscan on him, the doctors couldn't find his brain. He also had a great deal of difficulty with spelling e. e. g., although he didn't have quite as much trouble when it came to the spelling of e. k. g.. Every- body was in total awe of him which is why they all said, "Aww!" every time he would show up for work. Regardless, he was still a nuro surgeon and many people counted on him. That's because they didn't have an adding machine.

Then one day he performed an appendectomy on a woman who went in to have a hysterectomy. That was when the administrator of the hospital told him to take a nice, long vacation and stay away as much time as he wanted. He even recommended him taking a tour of the whole planet Earth which would take him several weeks to complete. Rather then going on that extremely exotic trip, because, "trip" was exactly what the administrator of the hospital was hoping he would do. The doctor was a actually more interested in science fiction in plain old ordinary science. One of his favorite books was the one by Herbert George Wells, more commonly known as H. G. Wells called The Time Machine. With much research on his own, he got the desire to try time-traveling so he com- bined several clocks and then synchronized them so they'd all be on the same second. He had several things he wanted to discover about the field of time. Besides, he hated always being put out in the, "field" whenever anybody would allow him to play baseball. At least he was, "outstanding in that field" anyway.

Finally after much research and careful connecting all the right wheels and wireds, he finally completed his masterpiece. Since he had no friends or family-members who counted on him for anything, he decided to try out his amazing experiment on himself. That's when he set the date for May third, 8,495,842 b. c. to find out if dinosaurs really existed because paleontologists say they were so many millions of years before men, but the Bible said God created all living things on the 5th day and then man on the 6th day. He brought along several cameras and camcorders with lots of film for both of them. Everything went whirling around him. It felt like being inside of a washing machine on the spin sycle. After a few minutes all the rushing around him slowed to a halt. That's when he opened the door and looked around. Everything looked weird to him. Even all the trees and flowers were not at all familiar. It was quite interesting.

Just then he heard the sound of something behind him come stomping through the leaves. When he turned around there was an extremely gigantic mastodon coming closer to check him out. Yet before the monstrous beast could get close enough, a brontosaurus also saw him and started over towards him. When they each saw they were after the exact same thing, they com- menced to fighting over him. The Prof knew even though their bodies were incredibly huge their brains were about the size of a walnut, or that's what the books said. After fighting for a few minutes, the mastodon eventually gave up and stomped off to find something else to eat. As the Prof stood there, almost hypnotized by how those larger-then-life monsters behaved towards each other, he heard the sound of some mighty huge footsteps behind him. When he turned around, there was an even bigger brontosaurus coming after him. Since his curiosity about weather dinosaurs ever existed had been satisfied, he ran back to get in his time machine and set the date for September 3rd, 1783 since he knew that was the day when all of the fighting was over between America and Britten.

Just then he saw a totally exhausted-looking man leading a bunch of extremely bedraggled soldiers across some field. The Prof knew he had to be George Washington, so he ran over to him and said, "Excuse me, sir, are you General George Washington?" to which the totally exhausted man replied, "Yes, that's me. What can I do for you, my good man?"

"Well, I just want you to know that the war is all but over. At any minute you will see General Cornwallis stick his hand out from behind what's left of that wall up there and he'll be waving a white flag. You'll have to trust me on this one, sir."

The bedraggled-looking general opened his mouth to say something that would have not been a nice thing for him to tell the Proffesser, but before he could say a word, one of the soldiers yelled, "Look, sir! I can't believe it! There's the general, waving a white flag! They're surrendering! That means we win!"

"Well, I'll be hog-waggled! How did you know that?" asked the man who would soon be The Father Of Our Country, "Here! Let me pay you for i! That's great!" He reached into his pocket and pulled out some golden shiny things which he knew had to be the kind of currency those people had back in those days. He insisted that the Prof take it, but he said, "No, thank you. If I accepted that, it would take away from my blessing that I'd receive from the Lord." He smiled. Yet the general insisted that he take it and said it would insult him if he refused to take his offering. That's when the Prof accepted his generous amount of money.

He got into his time-machine and set the date for June 25th, 1876. He knew that was the date when the Long Horns killed General Custer. When his machine stopped on that date, he looked out and saw a lot of men dressed in some right funny-looking clothes. He approached the man who looked as if he was in charge of the regiment and said, "Excuse me, sir, I'm looking for General Custer."

That's when he smiled and said, "I say, well I say that would be me, suh. That would be me. Now, what can I do you for anyway, my good fellow?"

"I just wanted to warn you of the Indians. They're going to wipe you out, along with all of your men if you don't get ready for them. At any moment they'll be coming over that ridge with ill intentions on their mind. Please take you men and retreat right now before it's too late. Those, 'Crow' are not, 'bird-brains' since they want to, 'Sioux' you for thinking they're so stupid, so you'd better use a key to unlock all of your chairs like a, 'Char-a-key.' Also, 'Nava-jo' your guardian right much and, 'Choctaw' the, A-'patchiee you sew over any holes in your clothes. So you'd better be smart and not even mess with those Indians. Please believe what I'm saying. If you want Indians, you can find them in Cleveland."

The Prof got a feeling he needed to leave the premises immediately, although he tried to help those stubborn guys who did not want to listen to his reasoning.

Just as he shut the door to the time-machine, a whole slew of Indians came running up with their bows and arrows, shooting all the white-men they saw. Since the Prof knew what would happen to them since they refused to listen to his warnings, he sadly got into his machine and set the date for the sometime in the year 2286. As the machine whirled and twirled around, it stopped right when he saw many people running away from something. As he got in the way of one man who was running by, he asked him, "What's everybody running from?"

"You're kidding, right?" replied the men, who was in a hurry to get by him, "As if you didn't know, stupid, the Vogons want to destroy the whole planet because it obstructs their view of Venus, you moron! Get out of here and run for your life!"

When the Prof was running up the ramp to get into his machine, suddenly he felt pain shoot through his right leg. When he looked down at it, he saw it was glowing brightly, but he couldn't move it. He hobbled back into his machine because evidently he had picked a lousy time to arrive in. He hit the closest switch to him. Unfortunately, that was the wrong direction. It went further into the future. That was when the whole planet was blasted into tiny pieces. If it had been 5 seconds later, he would have been blown up, along with the rest of the planet. He hit the floor of the machine just as it roared off. Unfortunately, since he was so terribly off-baseball, he hit the wrong lever which sent him even further into nothingness because the planet he loved had been demolished.

Just when it seamed there was no hope for the poor scientist, he managed to hit the right switch, but by then he was knocked unconscious by the incredibly strong force which slung him upside-down, knocking him unconscious as the machine roared away, leaving all that chaos and destruction behind in it's wake.

The next thing the prof was aware of, he was lying in a hospital bed with masked faces coming at him. One of them yelled, "Hay! He came to!" which was followed by a lot of confusion and running towards him. People kept saying things like, "Wow! I don't believe it!" "How did he survive all that?" "Somebody pull the mask off of him!" "Well, I'll be darned! I never thought he'd wake up!"

"You're one lucky motor-scooter! That's the truth, my friend!" said a more familiar voice belonging to one of his students from The University Of Danville.

"We thought you'd left us!" said a familiar voice, belonging to his science teacher in college, "I would have bet money you would never have come to!"

As it turned out, the Prof had just been the first person to ever go back and forth through time. He was paid $9,000,000.00, making him the richest man in the world, surpassing Bill Gates. Since he was also the most popular hero on Earth, women were all around him. He eventually ended up meeting Miss Wright, who was an author which meant she was literally, "Miss, 'Write.' " After dating a while, he, "popped-it" to which she said, "I thought you'd never ask!" The following year they blessed the planet with some junior scientists who would some day change the world. So like the best-written children's stories of all-time will officially finish up with, "THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER !!!!"

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The end. By, Cuz Roye.