Time to Go

Time to Go

    The decision was made and now it was time to see it through. 

     Alana knew in her heart that her and Rian could not make this work. He was an idol that wasn’t supposed to have a girlfriend. He wanted her close but he had no idea how much her being close to everyone else at times would eat him up. 

She loved him and he loved her. She knew that the decision was on her shoulders, because he was not letting go. 

As she put her plans and her life without Rian in motion she started to pack up the life she had come to know in the last year.

       She thought about Rian and his sweet smile when he would see her, all the touches he orchestrated with management right there.

     As she grabbed the pics of her and Rian. So many secret meetings and all the fun they had. How was she going to let that go?

     Still she pushed through, boxing up her life that she had made with the person she should never have fallen for. If she knew nothing else in life she knew the rules and that there was really no way around them. Still her heart had wanted so bad to be the couple that changed everything. 

How was she going to get all this stuff home? Did she tell him or not? He would definitely push for her to stay, and tell himself that they could make it work. All the things she had already told herself since the fight a couple days ago. They had barely spoken, which hurt worse than the fight the other night.

As she picked up the jacket that he had given her in Las Vegas she started to cry. She thought she was out of tears, but apparently not. He had been so cute trying to hide it behind his back. It was nothing special, just a jacket with the tour logo on it, but to her it was everything. He had that goofy smile with his dimples showing and ran up to her like a 3 year old with the most precious gift. His excitement was palpable. Memories being stored in a box. So many things that she accrued in a year with him.

Next thing to pack, the tiny glass dolphin he found for her. He knew she loved them so he couldn’t pass it up. One night before he went on stage he pulled her gently into a side room. It was empty except for them. He had touched her hand so softly and turned her palm up. He placed the little trinket in her hand and brushed a kiss across her lips. Another stolen moment for just the two of them. In the back of her mind she had yet another pull to stay. Every piece she put in his box or hers brought more tears. The horrible thought that sometimes love wasn’t enough. 

A hair tie on the bedside table that he had put there one night when she handed it to him. The simplest things to pack were the hardest. A shirt of his in his box, one of the many he left behind when he changed after a show or dance practice. He snuck to see her so many times when management was busy with something else. She remembered he would knock and then practically rush through the door sweaty from something whether it be dancing or the show itself. 

       He kept clothes in her room so he wouldn’t have to leave her to shower. Then they would decompress together with a movie or just talking. Everything was so easy with Rian.

Packing up her life for a year with Rian was proving harder than she had thought it would be. Between the tears and the memories flooding in she wasn’t sure she would ever get this part of her life packed up. 

      How could all the memories and trinkets fit into a couple of boxes? 

     The worst thought was how was she going to unpack once she got back to Texas. To the solitude without him. He was such a permanent part of her heart that it was definitely going to be an adjustment. It would almost feel like a death in her life. Starting completely over. 

The packing was almost done but she needed to finish packing his box to hand off to Yong-sun. There couldn’t be any contact with Rian or he would somehow sway her to unpack. She looked at the plain brown box with clothes and little things left behind by her idol. A hair brush, skincare, and shower stuff. 

     As she picked up one thing after another she came across a pair of shades. He liked to wear the shades on stage and this was one of his favorite pairs. A simple white pair with very dark lenses. Her hand stopped near the box. “No” she thought,she needed just one piece of him. She needed these like she needed the sun. Something to keep him close to her. So, instead of adding them to his box she put them in her last box. 

Alana took a step back and looked at her life from last year. 

Two boxes for her to take and one to give back to him. She was almost done. Just one more thing, a note to him. An explanation of sorts.

Rian, I know you will not agree, but this is the right thing to do. I love you desperately, which is why I knew if I saw you I would fall for whatever reasoning you would have for this to work. You are an idol, as much as I wish some days that you weren’t, that’s your job. You love it almost as much as you love me, and in order for you to keep going, I need to go. Don’t chase me, my mind is made up. I will always love you, and this last year has been wonderful, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Love Alana

She placed the note in the box that was going to him. All that was left was to text Yong-sun and let him know to pick up the box. Then she needed to get on the road with her two boxes and all her memories.

Alana sent a quick text to Yong-sun regarding where to find the box and reminded him to deliver it a little later after the day's events. She knew the fallout would be rough, no need to ruin his whole day.

Rian picked up the note out of the box, his heart thundering against his chest. He held the note with tears forming. His only thought was please let me be wrong about this letter. Rian stood there, tears rolling down his cheeks. Now Rian wanted to pack up his life and leave it all behind, but he knew better.