Royal Pod, Episode 26: The Princess & The Boondock Frog

Interviewer:

Welcome back to the Royal Pod, a podcast talking about all things monarchy. Today we’re joined by Queen Jesibelle of the Southern Boondocks. You might recognize her better as the princess from “The Princess and the Frog.”

Jesibelle:

“Thanks for having me, Jim.”

Interviewer:

“Sure, so we’ll keep this short since we know you’re very busy running a kingdom and a royal family. Congratulations, by the way.”

Jesibelle:

“Thanks, Jim, everyone says motherhood is transformative but dad-gum it, I did not expect it to be even more transformative than turning into a frog.”

Interviewer:

“Righty-ho, well let’s get started right from the beginning, can you tell us about that day at the swamp?”

Jesibelle:

“Well, Jim, it was just like any other day in the Boonies. Usually the birds are a’chirpin but then this frog hopped up to me and actually started talkin’ and I thought I was going crazy! In this shrill little voice he yelled up at me ‘Hey, you!,’ like he was some royal prince or somethin’ and demanding attention. Well when I found out he was a royal prince, wasn’t I as surprised as a hornbill in a chitter’s hole.”

Interviewer:

“I’m not sure what that means but even as a frog, good to know the recently-coronated King of the Southern Boondocks is a convincing royal. Is that why you decided to kiss him?”

Jesibelle:

“It was more like he kissed me, I was frozen in my knickers as soon as that little frog man started talking to me.”

Interviewer:

“My mistake. So the prince kissed you. You didn’t run away?”

Jesibelle:

“Let me tell it to y’all this way: that frog started off much too strong, but the more I stood there listening to his predicament the more I started to feel sorry for the poor croaker.”

Interviewer:

“Now, Jesibelle, I hate to be the devil’s advocate, but did you ever consider not kissing a talking frog? I’m sure he made a convincing case but surely you could have forgotten all about his needs and saved yourself the trouble?”

Jesibelle:

“I…well…I don’t know about all that but…”

Interviewer:

“To shed some light on the topic we have King Thomas on the line from the Boondocks. Hello, King Thomas.”

Jesibelle:

“Now wait one minute…”

Thomas:

“Hey, Jim, happy to be here. Can you hear me?”

Interviewer:

“Yessir, we can hear you just fine. Now, Jesibelle claims you forced you to kiss her, could you share with us your experience in the moment before you both became frogs for a year?”

Jesibelle:

“That’s Queen Jesibelle to you, and that’s not nearly—”

Thomas:

“Sure, Jim, that moment sticks in my mind years later. I’ve always had a good memory but the way Princess Jesibelle begged me to kiss her…that’s somethin’ I won’t soon forget.”

Jesibelle:

“What?! Now I did no such thing, Jim you care to explain what he’s doing on the phone there?”

Interviewer:

“Jesibelle we couldn’t have this conversation without all parties involved. Plus, I’ve been meaning to get in touch with your husband, he seems like a cool guy.”

Thomas:

“Same to you, Jim, yeah we should definitely hang out.”

Jesibelle:

“Y’all better hang UP.”

Thomas:

“Jessi, darlin’, I think your poor motherly brain is just misremembering things that happened over a year ago. You did tell me before kissing me that you wouldn’t mind turning into a frog if we got the spell wrong. Just yesterday you were telling me the year we spent as frogs was the most peaceful year of your life, what with a lack of princessly responsibilities and all.”

Jesibelle:

“Oh now you’re going to reinterpret something I told to you in private? I seem to remember worrying a lot more than you did that year as frogs. Who found the food? When you demanded a croc give us passage across the swamp who saved you from becoming lunch? And all the while you were just sittin’ around, telling me to relax a little and enjoy the ride. Sir, I was your ride!”

Thomas:

“You might have done more providing than I did but it was just too easy for you. I swear, you’d make friends with every witch we came across as easily as a rattletail sheds its scales!”

Jesibelle:

“Those witches wouldn’t befriend you because you spent the whole time in their company demanding supper and disrespecting their decision to remain single and live in the swamp!”

Interviewer:

“Before we get off track, I’d like to know, if you two came across witches in the Southern Boondocks, why not have any of them turn you back into humans?”

Thomas:

“I wish it was that easy, Jim. Only the original spellcaster could have reversed the curse and the witch who cursed me had, unfortunately, drowned in the drink.”

Interviewer:

“The witch who cursed you…died?”

Jesibelle:

“And Thomas would love to tell you that after we heard the news he thought all was lost…”

Thomas:

“No YOU would love to tell ‘em that. You were so happy as a frog that sometimes I wonder if you wouldn’t rather take your warty behind back to—”

Jesibelle:

‘MY WARTY WHAT? SAY IT AGAIN, THOMAS, SEE WHAT’LL HAPPEN.”

Interviewer:

“Ahem, with our time running low together might I ask how you two ended up getting out of frog form?”

Jesibelle:

“It wasn’t easy. Especially since Thomas whined every moment he wasn’t a human again in his rich feather bed in his alpaca fur bathrobe. But thanks to the witches of the Southern Boondocks we reverse engineered the spell. For example, the original curse had contained goblin fingernails so we gathered its toenails. She’d used swamp nightlock so we used swamp coffee beans which grow high in the trees. Then finally, we needed the opposite of the kiss that sealed our fate in the first place.”

Thomas:

“Oh she loves telling this part.”

Jesibelle:

“I swear on your father’s grave, Thomas, if you don’t leave me alone.”

Interviewer:

“I’m dying of suspense, what was the final ingredient in the spell?”

Thomas & Jesibelle:

“A punch.”

Interviewer:

“I can see Jesibelle’s grin right now but I believe our viewers are going to need more context. A punch of what?”

Jesibelle:

“The opposite of a royal kiss is a royal punch. All it took was a good punch to Thomas’s snout and we were human again.”

Interviewer:

“That’s incredible. So what happened next?”

Thomas:

“We got married.”

Interviewer:

“Like, right there? In the boonies?”

Jesibelle:

“No, Jim, we’re not animals. We fashioned rings our of acorns first.”

Thomas:

“I can’t help but get wistful thinking about how good you looked as a human when we transformed, Jessi.”

Jesibelle:

“We were in our tattered clothes from a year ago, Thomas.”

Thomas:

“Yes but to me you had never looked more beautiful.”

Jesibelle:

“He’s just grateful because he didn’t have to eat flies anymore. I on the other hand was more than willing to do what needed to be done.”

Thomas:

“Yeah, those first few days of being on human legs again were definitely hard. It was good to know I had a wife who could go through it with me.”

Jesibelle:

“Yeah, a wife that everybody thought was gone forever.”

Interviewer:

“What was that?”

Jesibelle:

“When we turned back into humans one of the first people I ran into was my lady in waiting, Liz. She seemed surprised to see me. She said, ‘Oh, we all thought you ran away and joined a coven so you wouldn’t have to marry the prince.’ I was stunned that after all the effort I put into making the most of my princess-betrothed situation, everyone just assumed I had turned to potions and spinster life. Crazy.”

Thomas:

“Ha, Jim, she loves to bring that up. Sometimes I wonder if she wishes she had actually run off and joined a coven. Actually…Jessi now that I think about it, what were you doing in that swamp the day we met in the first place? Did your royal duties really take you that far out into the boonies?”

Jesibelle:

“Um…now about that…”

Interviewer:

“Now this is interesting. Jesibelle—sorry Queen Jesibelle—I think viewers would love to know this new part of the story: What were you planning to do before you kissed King Thomas and turned into a frog?”

Jesibelle:

“I don’t have to answer that.”

Thomas:

“Wait…all those times you’ve gone off to the boonies since turning back into a human, you said you were going out to meet with the locals. Were you actually…practicing witchcraft with the witches?”

Jesibelle:

“Haha, ya’ll have lost your minds.”

Interviewer:

“I hate to say it, Queenie, but that sounds like some nervous laughter.”

Thomas:

“Jessi, you know I love you, just answer the question.”

Jesibelle:

“Enough! If you two don’t end this right now I’m going to turn you both into frogs!”

Interviewer:

“The mic can’t hear but the whole crew is gasping right now. No wait, they’re cheering? Now Jesibelle is raising her hand and throwing some fingernails in my direction.”

Editor’s Note: Royal Pod is taking a hiatus while its host, Jim, seeks treatment for a frog-like condition. In the meantime, check out his crew’s podcast covering corrupted monarchies. Our next episode of “Royal Cons” airs tomorrow and covers the stigma around single women who live in swamps.