Airborne Adventures

Today, we are going to see our best friend. We picked out a good gift, and wrapped it crisply with the silver paper that shines like a mirror. We even added the more expensive black ribbons that curl in tight rolls when stretched with scissors for flair. We headed outside; it’s a beautiful crisp day, the kind that makes anything feel possible—or would at least make for a nice golf game—with a mild breeze coming from the west. I wonder what—A-CHOO!!

The adventure begins as I am shot out with the force of an unstoppable phone update. For a dizzying moment, all I see is the sky, clouds, and tall buildings.

I hear music playing from a nearby band. I’ve always wanted to see a circus—the sights, the smells, the food! So many people in one place, and all so considerately waiting in a small area. The wind picks up and I go left.

Oh, no! Not the glove, not the glove. That looks so boring… wait! That guy has luggage. And a plane ticket! That looks interesting.

I’ve always wanted to see Paris. Maybe enjoy a nice soufflé or onion soup with croutons on top in a little café with an awning stretched out across the sidewalk. They truly know how to treat a cultured guest. I could learn French; it is a romance language. Imagine how many more I could learn afterwards! Spanish, Portuguese, maybe even Latin if I was feeling philosophical. I could finally watch foreign films without subtitles. Also, I hear the Eiffel Tower looks absolutely gorgeous this time of year…

That guy is using antibacterial gel! Abort! Abort! I try to veer left, but the wind continues. Wind—turn the other way! The wind blows east again—good. Whew. That mother and kid look interesting. Then, they take out the sanitizer spray. The original extinction level event. I’m fairly confident that is how the dinosaurs went out. One minute, you’re happily eating on some green foliage—or another dinosaur—minding your own business, then… gone. Wiped out forever because of a spray that smells like passionfruit.

The wind rapidly increases, lifting me upwards. That couple sharing the bright red smoothie with one straw looks like fun. Two for the price of one! That lady has a nice scarf on; I wonder if she is into fashion shows. Wait. Really, in this climate? Although that fashion podcast did say bucket hats were coming back in style… maybe she is ahead of the curve. Still, why risk it? I don’t really need to know who can cross-stitch that badly.

That group are all carrying CVS bags. Can you imagine? I never know if it is lunch, pharmaceuticals, or trading cards. So inconsiderate. A little transparency would go a long way to help with planning. Once, one of my siblings drifted toward a bag that looked very promising. It had sturdy handles, a nice solid base, and even had a little bird on the side. They thought they had found the perfect package. Poof. Never saw them again. I like to think they ended up someplace warm and welcoming. Maybe the Bahamas.

Don’t even get me started on tissues. Those little white flags of surrender kept in secret pockets. Forget the raisin cookies disguised as chocolate chip, they are the real reason for trust issues. One minute, you think you are going to have a nice soft blanket to land on, and the next you are thrown out like yesterday’s trash. I try not to be too judgmental, but those travel-sized packages in particular really get to me. It just feels so unwelcoming and rude.

I really hope they like binge watching TV shows. I really want to finish that baking show I was watching; I hear Episode Five had a real twist. I still need closure after the sabotage with the croissants. I cannot believe the judge didn’t catch it. Personally, I think it was an inside job. Muffin Contestant really deserves the win after her double-tiered loaf inspired by her Granny’s hometown in Ireland.

I have always wanted a passport. From the beginning, I was told that I didn’t need one, but man it would make things easier, and it would have made this whole thing feel more official, and less like carry-on baggage. I could begin to collect stamps or perhaps snow globes! I heard that is something people do in different countries. Maybe I’ll become one of those people who buys postcards just to show other people I’m well-traveled and vintage. Or is that bottles of wine?

I don’t want much. A nice window view. Economy. I’ve heard economy offers excellent collaborative opportunities. Maybe someone with a decent immune system, because what is life without a little risk and excitement? I pack very light and efficiently. You won’t even know I’m there. Promise.

I feel like a TSA Pre-Check person would be nice. Shows up early, knows whether shoes stay on or off, walks through no problem, and can spend the rest of the time exploring the airport. Or the other kind of person who shows up at the last second, breathing heavy as they run towards their closing gate could also be fun. With every second another inhale and exhale. Oh, the pressure! The drama!

What about the guy with the blue baseball cap? Oh. He is already sneezing. Not him. I’ve never been a fan of shared accommodations. What about her? Wait—there’s a cat in that carrier she’s strapping to the front of the bike. Hard to tell if she is already sick or just allergic. I don’t like unreliable travel plans… why can’t you humans come with labels!

The wind stops.

Splat.

Dang.

I land on the cold dirty sidewalk. An old gum wrapper blows by me taunting, followed by a half-used napkin. I hope my siblings have found a better adventure and get somewhere interesting. Maybe they will find out what happened to the croissants or end up in Paris.

I hear someone across the street sneeze twice. Lucky.