Golden Dream

The early morning sunlight twinkled off of the golden pendant as it laid on my pillow. The design was exquisite and expertly crafted, with each angle precise and the representation of the deity Nike almost life-like as if she would jump right into reality. I sat cross-legged on my borrowed bed and watched the sun play off the intricate details. The colorful ribbon that would drape around the neck gave it an almost ethereal glow.

I haven’t slept in the past two days. Not since that day. That moment.

I fondly remembered the bedtime fairy tales read to me as a child. Robin Hood and his heroic exploits. The legends of his bouts of archery along his banter and wit that would ingratiate any he met. He won the adoration of all Englishmen and the world through the use of his bow and his mind. Even then as a small child barely able to understand what fate or destiny was I knew that archery was going to be everything to me. I then vowed-since Robin Hood did a lot of vowing-to be the best archer I could be.

I had opened a lemonade stand on my small street to raise money for my first bow. I worked every Saturday and Sunday all day. Until I saved up enough. It was a secondhand Olympic recurve. It was red with a green string. It was gaudy and had nicks and marks but it was mine. I was able to find an archery range nearby to my school. I would bike ride there after school to practice. I begged those around me to help me and eventually found a coach. Coach Dahl. I was a sponge to anything they could tell me, every critique and suggestion. I would stay at the range until they turned the lights out on me and told me to go home. As I grew in talent and skill I eventually outgrew my first coach and had to begin looking for someone, anyone who could help me live out my Robin Hood dream. I found Coach Grayson. He was incredibly expensive to have lessons with. I started working at the range on the weekends to get the money. After many years, I began to set my sights on the most prestigious stage that someone could stand on.

The Olympics.

Once this was determined I buckled down even more. I lived at the range or at the gym. Along with Coach Grayson I added a personal trainer to my team. I also began working at the range in the mornings before school cleaning the bathrooms and emptying the garbage cans to pay for all of the training sessions and the travel to the archery team trial competitions.

The team trials took place in four separate locations, with each competition gaining me more and more points until I was among the top four! Each competition had its advantages and disadvantages. California was sunny and beautiful for half the time and a driving rain made it difficult to impossible to see the target fully. Ohio had an incredibly unpredictable wind which would gust one moment and die the next. Florida was unnaturally hot and humid, with the sweat from my forehead dripping into my eyes. Arizona had thunderstorms in the area keeping us on our toes. After each tournament I gained more and more points until I finally had enough to qualify for the Olympic Games for my nation. I trained until the blisters on my hands bled. I packed and repacked my archery case more times than I could count. I pestered my coach about anything they could tell me about the venue and the competition from the other nations I would face.

It was finally the day to leave for the Olympic Games. I could barely contain my excitement as I had boarded the plane. I vibrated in my seat as I looked around at the other Olympians on the plane. I belonged among them. When we landed I went straight to my room to meet my roommate. She was a speed climber named Katie Lambert. We left the room and went to see the city and take pictures of anything and everything. We both decided to not attend the opening ceremony since our competitions were the day after. I couldn’t sleep before my competition and attempted to tire myself out at the gym, along with all the other Olympians there.

Then the archery Olympics Games began. I advanced through each round. As I advanced through each round my nerves would increase. I was almost there. Until I reached the final round. My opponent, Maggie Weis, was someone I had likened to an archrival. We had fought against each other on almost every national and international stage there was. We were neck and neck throughout the whole end until the very last arrow. She shot a 9. This was my chance. I had to, I absolutely had to, shoot the very center of the target. That was 70m away. Almost an entire football field away from me. I calmed my breathing and centered myself. I drew back my arrow and fired.

“A perfect score,” the announcer had exclaimed, “Allison Karr has won the gold medal!”

I whooped and screamed in delight. The bow in my hands felt like an extension of me as the crowd exploded in applause. Dazed, I had shaken hands with Maggie, who promised to get me next time. I had gone to hug Coach Grayson, but they just smiled and clapped me on the shoulder before turning away.

I entered the press tent almost floating and vaguely lightheaded. I have no idea what I said to the reporters asking me questions and trying to be heard over each other. I just kept replaying the last arrow arcing beautifully in the air as it landed almost dead center in the target. The light had glinted off of the shaft almost as if it was winking at me in celebration. I left and drank my entire water canteen before being shuffled off to stand in a line before the medal ceremony.

As they called my name I almost tripped getting to the podium since my knees and legs had forgotten how to function properly. I grinned like a fool as they put that medal round my neck and handed me a plushy of something resembling a bird, or maybe a fish, maybe it was just the concept of a bird? I didn’t know and at that moment didn’t care. I stood proudly as the flag was raised and my national anthem rang out through the stadium.

I had never felt so proud of myself.

I turned to the audience to share my excitement and saw….no one was paying attention. People were already gathering up their things, or were typing away on cell phones or chatting with one another, smiling and laughing. I looked at all of their faces and a cold realization hit me.

I didn’t know anyone. Not a single person in that crowd of hundreds if not thousands were there for me.

I could see some of my past competitors surrounded by their family and children. I could see past winners with loved ones. Press and representatives from various nations scattered throughout but no one held a banner with my name on it. No one was smiling just for me.

The moment passed as the final notes of the anthem faded away. I stepped off the podium and was swept up in the crowd of people returning to their rooms or going to a celebratory dinner. I saw my coach across the room talking with another student of theirs. I waved, but I supposed they didn’t see me.

I grabbed some food from the cafeteria and returned to my room, my gold medal still around my neck. I pulled out my cell phone to call someone but it was then that I really truly fully realized. I didn’t have anyone to celebrate with. My parents and siblings were most likely still asleep due to the time difference. My teammates had all gone off with their own families to celebrate their own accomplishments and triumphs.

All those times I had been invited to go out with friends and I had turned them down until the invitations had eventually dried up. All the times that I had ignored my family and missed important family functions in favor of another competition or even just more practice in the archery range. All the missed dates and romantic opportunities so I could blindly race as fast as I could towards my bullheaded goal.

I could remember birthday invitations for my niece Kristen that I couldn’t, or I didn’t think I could, take the time from training to attend. Gilded wedding invitations from high school friends addressed with care and hope that I had “regretfully declined” without looking at the date or my calendar. Phone calls from friends, now past friends, that were sent to voicemail but never listened to. I had thought I was too busy. I could distinctly remember the rare times when I would speak with my parents while I was driving to some competition or other and I would learn what my siblings were up to. Christine was getting her PhD in maritime history, and Adam was traveling the world and starting a family. I would hear about the graduations and family vacations I had decided-without a passing thought-that I couldn’t attend.

I had thought that training and competition and archery was the only thing in my life. Until it was.

I took off my medal and placed it on my pillow. I sat at the foot of my bed and stared at that expensive piece of jewelry. That golden trinket had cost me everything. All of my friends. All of my family. Even my body as my shoulders and back ached more and more with every passing day. It was simultaneously priceless and worthless.

I stared at the twinkling necklace and only one thought raced through my mind over and over again. More than the pride I had felt. More than the song of the national anthem blasting out. Even more than the sight of that final 10-point arrow. A single sentence continued to repeat itself in my mind.

Was this worth it?