Shattered

Shattered

Aria

That girl bloody looks nothing like me. Blonde, thin, mini dress I could never pull off. And there she is–my girlfriend, mine–arm around her, head leaned in, listening attentively to what she has to say. It’s my birthday, she’s my girlfriend, we haven’t seen each other in over a month, and she couldn’t care less about me. Why am I so insignificant?  

Matty

Even in the smoker’s area, the bass heavy music from the club vibrates through me. I love this part of the night. It’s nearly as good as the afters. Everyone’s absolutely off their face, speaking shite, leaning into walls or swaying slightly as they stand with their mates. Strangers are just new friends waiting to be made.

‘NO WAY. MATTY IS AT YOU?’ A drunken, Scottish voice breaks through the English hum. I would recognise it anywhere. Four years flying through a music degree, with no real course mates, in what might as well have been a village, the only thing I had to keep me going was my social circle, and here’s one of my old pals now. Maybe it's the MDMA, or the drink, but the sight of her has me overjoyed. 

‘Nawww, fancy seeing you here. Give us a bosie,’ I say, pulling her in for a great, big, squeezing hug. It feels good. I feel warm and fuzzy, as though positivity is gleaming out of me.

‘What the HELL are you doing in London?’

‘My girlfriend lives here now. Came down for my gig at XOYO on Thursday, and it's her birthday today.’

‘Sweet, far is she then?’ 

I look around, searching for a glimpse of her pretty, long, dark hair, and warm brown skin, or the purple top she’s been wearing non-stop since she got it. I love when she does that. Loves something so much that it becomes a constant for her. I suppose that’s how she feels about me too. I hope so anyway. 

‘Hm, not sure actually, I can't see her. She’s probs inside having a dance. I’ve got a cute photo of us though from her birthday dinner earlier. We went out to this really nice Thai place she chose,’ I say, pulling out my phone and being unable to suppress the wide grin that spreads across my face at seeing my arm around her shoulders, sticking our tongues out, all silly and smiley.

‘That is so, so, so cute. She’s gorgeous by the way, how’d you manage at then?’ She banters and nudges me with her shoulder as we break into laughter.

‘She is, isn’t she. She’s the best. Come on, let’s head in, see if we can try to find her and you can say hi.’

Aria

I’m sitting cross-legged waiting to be noticed, the ground growing colder through my jeans. I watch Matty chatting away to another girl, cheerier than I’ve ever seen her, before heading in with whoever she is and her friends. I need to get out of here. I can’t believe Matty just left without me. She didn’t even look for me. I hate her. 

I’m storming through the club. I’m raging, I’m furious. I move as fast as possible, so no one can see me for longer than a millisecond. I don’t want to be perceived. I’m jealous, I’m upset. I wish I’d never worn these stupid jeans. Matty’s suggestion. I should have worn the light-wash, fitted, flared pair I wanted to. And, I hate this stupid purple top. Matty didn’t compliment it, not even once. Before she’d laid eyes on it, it was my favourite top in the whole world. She’s tainted it now. She’s tainted everything in my life with her presence. She’s ruined my bloody life. I wish she never came to see me, in fact I wish we’d never met in the first place. 

I’m lying to myself. I could have walked faster. I wanted Matty to see me in time with just enough leeway to catch up to me and ask me what’s wrong, to show me she cares, to ask me to stay. Why didn’t she care enough to find me, to chase me? All I want is to be wanted. Can’t she give me that?

My heart is thundering in my chest. I can feel the pulse in my neck. My mouth is dry. I remember reading somewhere that when you mix cocaine and alcohol, you create some sort of a new chemical that drops or blocks your serotonin. Something like that. The point is, if you’re someone who struggles with “low mood,” you should probably be avoiding that mix. I couldn’t help myself though could I, I never can. I’m almost as bad as Matty in that sense. Except she can hack it. I can’t. So which of us is worse? I don’t know. I can’t think straight. I probably shouldn’t be thinking at all. I wish I couldn’t feel right now. But, I can feel everything, and it’s all bad, really bad. I’m scared. I’m alone. I want Matty. She’s all I want. She’s all I need. I can’t go back now though. I’m too emotional. I’m freaking out. And, I can’t admit to her what's wrong. She’ll think I’m crazy. I need to get home and be alone. Then she’ll come to me and everything will be okay. She’ll save me. She always does.

The sobs escaping me are uncontrollable. My breaths are shallow, and I feel like I'm choking on my own air. 

‘You alright babe?’ A stranger. Great. Just what I need. Attention, but not from the right person.

‘I’m fine, sorry.’

‘You don’t need to apologise. God, someone must’ve died for you to be crying like that, what’s the matter?’

‘My Grandad. My Grandad died,’ yeah, five years ago you twat what did you say that for? Oh well, better than the truth.

‘Where are your friends? Can I help you get home?’ Good point stranger lady. Where are my friends? Thanks for bringing that up!

‘They’re waiting for me at home, I’m going home now. I’ve got an Uber. Thank you.’

Saved by the bell. The blue Skoda pulls up alongside the curb just in the nick of time.

‘For Aria?’ I ask, and the driver gives me a curt nod. I get into the back seat, behind him. I’m off my nut right now, but I’m still aware enough to know that this is the safe seat. In the state I’m in right now, this guy would be a fool to try it on with me. I feel volatile.

Home

I stare into my wooden, stand-up, desk mirror. I remember when I got this. It was a mellow day with bright sun, the type of day where you feel hopeful, where you realise that things have always turned out okay, and it’s worth living for that experience. I was with Bridge. Sweet Bridge who loved me endlessly and still does. Bridge who I no longer belong to. I see her brown eyes, like dark Autumn leaves, loving me. How to turn back time? Return to that day. To Bridge. Matty isn’t showing up anytime soon. 

‘I wish I was wanted and loved. I wish I could feel the way I am wanted and loved.’ I tell the girl staring back at me. Eyes wild, everything about her dishevelled. Disturbed, unravelled. 

God I’m so fucking pathetic. I’m pathetic. I’m pathetic. I’m pathetic. I’m nothing. Who am I? Who is that? My legs are moving. I can barely feel them. I don’t recognise these walls, this carpet, tiles now, where is that light coming from? So harsh, so exposing. I feel as though I’m not on this earth. Something is in my hand. I grip it tightly. My fingers mould to a handle, it feels as though it were made specifically for me, for this moment. I see someone. That girl again. Her face seems more womanly. Around her mouth, the skin is sunken. Her eyes have lost their light. Her gaze makes me feel hateful, ashamed, disgusted with myself. That pitiful look in her eyes. As though she’s trying to tell me that one day I’ll be like her, look like her, understand how she sees the world. I hate her, don’t look at me like that you bitch.

Shattering glass. Splintering wood. The sound is sharp, amplifying the silence around it. My arms raise and plunge with great, violent force. A power surges within me, unlike I've ever felt before. Up, down, up, down, up, down. My anger is the most impure, tainted by shame. 

My mellow, sweet mirror is ruined. We are one and the same. Me, the mirror and those sunny days with Bridge. All smashed to smithereens.

Where is Matty?

Next

‘That is some evil shit. If accidentally breaking a mirror is bad luck. This is pure evil, God only knows what’ll happen to you now Aria. You’ve already had it bad enough, fuckssakes. I don’t understand why you’ve done this.’

‘You weren’t there when I needed you. What did you expect to happen?’

‘Well not for you to wreck the bloody flat. I love you. But you need to think about this, before you dig yourself a hole. Are you really going to try to blame this on me?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘What do you mean you don’t know?’

‘I just can’t feel your love. No matter how hard I try to reason with myself.’

‘Don’t you think you’ll look back one day and regret taking me for granted like this?’ At this, my cheeks feel red, hot with guilt. It’s one thing for me to be aware of my poor behaviour, and another for it to be seen by Matty. 

‘I’d choose your next words carefully Aria.’

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

‘It means that I’ve had enough. I’m reaching my limit. I can’t give you anymore of myself than I already have. If I’m not enough for you, then that’s that.’

‘I don’t care if you’re not enough for me. All I wish is for you to be there, and never leave. Please never leave and never let me go.’ 

A heavy, tense silence hangs in the air between us. My mind begins to fog, and I notice myself feeling light-headed. It must be the comedown. I let my eyes drift to my right, in a sly attempt to read Matty’s face. Her eyes are closed, shifting back and forth under the lids. 

‘I’m sorry for stressing you out. Please don’t cry. I didn’t mean to upset you.’ 

Her eyes flicker open. 

‘You’re pathetic. You’re nothing.’ 

Something is amiss in her stare. In fact, I’ve never seen her stare, or glare, or anything of the sort. Her usual patient and soft gaze is hardened. It’s uncanny. I’d know those eyes even if I were blind purely by how much soul they held. 

‘Matty are you feeling alright?’

‘So which is it? Your wish. To feel the way you are wanted and loved, or, for me to be here, and never leave, to never let you go?’ 

‘Both.’

‘Ungrateful, greedy, bitch.’

‘I’ll do anything you want. I’ll be anything you want. Just please don’t leave me. No more of these games. Don’t leave me all alone again.’

Since

The following weeks were completely distorting. With each day that passed, Aria found herself becoming more and more fragmented. Whatever Matty desired, Aria simply became. She never wore her hair down. High ponytail’s only. That’s what Matty liked best. Her wardrobe was entirely swapped for monochrome, masculine clothing. No colour, nothing “cutesy.” Any remnant of her old self had been completely stamped out. Even her own inner conscience took on a new identity. In her head, her own voice became numb and dull, but what sounded very nearly like Matty’s could be heard dictating her every action and thought. The only piece of herself she heard clear as day, with the utmost clarity, was a yearning for Bridge. Aria’s voice cyclically tormented her with thoughts of Bridge that could never have an end, or any manifestation in reality.

‘Bridge. Who got me out of bed on my worst days. Bridge. Who always did her best to make sure I’d have a life to come back to when I came out of my depression. Bridge. Who helped cultivate the parts of me that are good. Bridge. My one true safe space. Bridge. Who would have moved heaven and earth for me. Bridge. Who I took for granted.’

 Trapped with Matty forever, bending to Matty’s every will, forever. Aria had never felt more alone.