Proud Soldier

The midmorning sun shone through the dirty glass windows, cutting through the dim light of the tiny cottage. Mama was bustling around, a spatula in one hand and a cloth in the other. She hurriedly wiped down everything in sight as the eggs sizzled and popped on the pan. Little Oscar sat at the table playing with his small wooden toys while Nora was dozing off in her high chair. Papa had gone out to town for bread and beer with the eldest child. I stood in the corner of the room by the dusty bookshelf, staying out of the way. Mama placed the breakfast plates by each seat at the table and then continued to start cleaning the stove. I wasn't too far from the staircase and could see the  small sack I had packed the night before placed neatly by the base of the steps and near the door. I didn't feel like eating but the little one's dug into their scrambled eggs with green peppers and onions, chugging down their orange juice. 

Papa came back just in time with Elenor, limping in the kitchen with one bag slung over his shoulder, his other arm over my sisters as she helped him into a chair. Papa was a war vet with greying hair and liver spots on his wrinkled forehead and lips. He seemed to always have a frown unless he was smiling or laughing. He was tall and gaunt while Mama was short and plump but they both had those wisdomous eyes. Papa ruffled Oscar's brown hair while Elenor tried to get our mother to sit and eat with us.

"Charlie," Papa said to me vaguely waving his hand with a quick glance in my direction.

"What are you standing there for?" Elenor asked as she sat down beside Nora.

"I don't feel too much like breakfast," I said, feeling kind of nauseous.

"Are you leaving today?" Oscar asked with his slight lisp.

"Well go make sure you have everything," Mama said hastily as she leapt to her feet, whisking away all the empty plates.

I opened my mouth to say that I had made sure to do everything already so I could spend one last day with them, but before I could form the words we heard the church bells ringing from the distance, a deep bellow for all ears to hear.

"Church!" Nora hollered as Elenor hoisted her out of the seat and into her arms. They all bustled towards the front door, Oscar grabbing his coat as Papa ushered him forward. I followed closely behind them.

Church was the same as it was every Sunday morning: We all filed into the seats, the Pastor read a sermon from the Bible, donations were collected, grace was said, and soon it was time to get back to our daily activities. My family began to walk home but I stayed back to talk to Mia, the pretty redhead niece of the good Pastor. We were the same age and had attended school together all our lives. I wanted to speak to her before I had to go. She was talking to a family from town, the Mayfields, an older couple with a few young children. They were prominent members of the church and great donors too. Mia spotted me from the corner of her eye and excused herself. She approached me with a smile, her emerald green eyes glistening. I’d always cared for her deeply but I never knewif it was mutual.

"I heard you're leaving today?" she asked. I nodded with a shy smile.

"Perhaps you'd like to get some tea or coffee with me before I go?"

"Oh..." She looked ready to agree but someone called out her name. "I wish I could but the church is preparing for Easter next week and Uncle Jon-I mean Pastor-put me in charge."

I nodded understandingly but somewhat disappointed as I watched her walk away without a goodbye.

I returned home where it was business as usual. Nora was sobbing loudly from the other room while Papa sat in his chair reading the paper undisturbed. "Did you hear about..." he said to Elenor as she walked briskly by with a pen in one hand and an envelope in the other. Most of the people in this house just talked to no one in particular. Mama was walking through.

"I'm going to leave today and I was hoping-" I tried to say as she passed by.

"Well we know all that Charlie, but you're not the only one in this house!" She walked into the kitchen and came out a minute later with some of that gross medical syrup. "I've already gotten Oscar down for a nap and Nora's got a fever; She'll wake him with all that screaming..."

I sighed restlessly. I approached Papa. "Perhaps we could share a cup of brandy and you could give me some advice for my departure? It would be a nice goodbye."

Papa stood up, the paper still in his hands. "Brandy sounds lovely," he said as he walked into the kitchen still reading. Was that all he'd heard?

The noon was passing by and no one seemed to really care that these were my last few hours. I'd been trying for a memorable goodbye since breakfast and not even the sweet girl Mia stuck around long enough for a quick farewell. Papa had nodded off on the couch from his drink, the paper still open on his lap. Mama was still dealing with little Nora who wasn't doing so well, afraid that she might disturb Oscar's sleep. I stepped outside to smoke one of my fathers cigars, lighting it with a match and leaning against the stone of the house as I took big puffs of the thick roll of tobacco. Elenor happened to walk out as I did so, holding a bucket and wearing Mama's straw hat.

"You're a bit young for that, no?" she asked as she opened the wooden crate by the house to grab some gardening tools.

"Off to milk the cows?" I tried changing the subject.

"Yeah, and to get some fruits for the jams. Shouldn't you be inside saying you're adieu’s? We won't be seeing you for a while."

"Goodbye's are a thing for just before you go," I said looking out onto the fields.

"That's not the same thing. I'm talking about having those good last moments." Elenor smiled before she headed towards the barn, her words ringing in my ears.

The sun was only a short hour from sinking back into the horizon. Oscar was awake and playing with his blocks while Nora sat comfortably in Papa's chair sucking on her thumb. Mama and Elenor were brewing up dinner while Papa stood by the table munching on freshly picked strawberries. I had grabbed by snack and slung it across my shoulder, approaching them in the kitchen.

"While I have you all here I'd just like to say how much I'll miss you--" But once again I was cut off, this time by Nora's loud shrieks that pierced the air.

"Oh not again!" Mama said irritated as she flung the dish towel in her hand over her shoulder and shuffled into the other room. Oscar came running in repeating "No! No!" with his hands over his ears as he went to hold onto to Elenor's leg.

"Careful, boy!" she said. "I'm standing by the stove!"

"Charlie," my father said. "I hope one day you get a nice quiet family." He gave me a pat on the shoulder then hobbled over towards the cabinet to fetch the almost empty bottle of brandy.

"That's not what I was saying.," I tried to continue. 

But the church bells went off again, summoning all the departing soldiers to town square. It was considered a tax of the land for each family to send a man to the military trying camp now that we were expecting another war. Papa was a veteran and with his age and bad leg he couldn't be expected to go. Other than six-year-old Oscar I was the only other man in the family old enough, as I had a good ten years with my little brother. I was tall like my father but rather skinny, not muscular like he had been. I was unskilled and "soft" as Mama liked to say. I had no fighting experience and had never shot a gun, although Papa had let me hold his firearm once.            

I didn't want to be a soldier but rather a scholar, maybe a doctor. But when your country called for you, there wasn't a choice.

I went towards the door, opening it and staring out at the orange and pink sky.

"Goodbye!" I called out into the house.

There wasn't much of a response.

"Charlie-yeah-be safe-" I heard Mama bellow but that was all before she went back to dealing with Nora.

"Charlie!" my father called out proudly and my other two siblings followed suit.

I walked off towards the town square where other men younger and older had already begun to gather. I walked briskly, still thinking about what my big sister had said. I had been the only one who actually said the word "bye" and there was no lasting memory of a farewell. No lunch, no drink, no moment for me to think of while I ran laps and shot at targets. 

I'd been waiting to leave for almost two months and not once did Papa say how proud he was with me, not once did Mama tell me I could do it, not once did Elenor mention the honor it would bring, not once did Oscar tell me how cool my uniform looked, despite his interest in Papa's old one. Nora couldn't speak, but the rest of them only ever made jokes about me. It's sad that I left this world never knowing if they were proud of me for fighting for the safety of my country, proud of the man I became. 

It's even sadder that I went into my grave with no goodbye from any of the people I really loved.