Hurger's Burgers

Hurger’s Burgers was a new restaurant to the area that had sparked recent controversy. Steph’s coworkers hadn’t gone, nobody she knew had, but they had all noticed it’s review section on Google.

“Like babe, this restaurant has endless fake reviews that make no sense. I honestly feel bad for them. These people must have been told to write them to bring their rating down. Listen to this one posted by JaniceCho64. It says:

'We went to this restaurant to try something new. Their menu is mainly burgers and fries, so we thought we’d like it. Boy, were we wrong. Upon being seated at our table, we were greeted by a waitress who was not only rude but was quite literally a lizard woman. Her eyes blinked horizontally, her tongue was forked, and it kept flicking out of her mouth at random moments. At one point her tail FELL OFF and slid out of her pants, which terrified my 8-year-old son that was with us. He was even more terrified when, instead of picking it up and throwing it out, she kicked it UNDER OUR TABLE. My son screamed, I nearly screamed, but we still hadn’t gotten the bill yet, so we had to wait for her to bring us the check before we could finally leave. When she brought it to us, she hissed at us and said, sarcastically, ‘Have a good night.’ Overall, an awful experience. I would recommend anybody interested in coming here to STAY. AWAY.'

And then she gave them one out of five stars!”

Her boyfriend Jarrett let out a laugh. “You can’t be serious. They actually wrote that? Who even thinks of that kind of stuff?”

Steph looked up from her screen, “Yes, babe. They did. But that’s not even the worst one, can you believe that? There’s one here that talks about a literal blackhole.”

“What? You’re kidding, right?” Jarrett said, guffawing.

“No! I’m being completely serious. This one posted by BentonDestruction says:

'We used to go here when it was the previous restaurant, Jacquelyn’s Taco House, and once this replaced it, we thought we’d give it a try. We shouldn’t have. Let me start by saying this place is new, but it looks old. The furniture is dingy, the booths have slight rips in them and look worn, and it’s different furniture than Jacquelyn’s, so I’m not sure where they even got them from. Our table we were sat at still had crumbs on it from the people who ate there before us, and the wood and was starting to split. I nearly cut myself on it! Seeing how bad it was already, I wasn’t expecting the food to be great, but we stayed anyways. Huge mistake. Our waiter had an attitude and after waiting 15 minutes, he told us our food would be out shortly with a slight smirk on his face, in a jeering manner. We found out shortly after why. As we were sitting at our table, talking and waiting, a large circle formed above our heads. We thought the ceiling was about to collapse on us, or that maybe black mold was spreading at an alarming rate. No. I’m not sure what it was really, but I’m leaning towards a blackhole, or some sort of interdimensional portal. Shortly after it appeared, stuff began to spew out of it, stuff that resembled food, but definitely was not what we ordered. Chunks of gray, mysterious looking meat fell onto the table. No plates, no utensils, just rotten, disgusting pieces of whatever animal it came from (we hope it was animal at least). Our waiter came by after the blackhole disappeared. He looked at us then down at our table, said ‘Enjoy’ and walked away. He never came back to check on us after that, he didn’t even bring us a bill. So, we sat, poked at our ‘food,’ and eventually left after we saw no one else but us in the restaurant for about thirty minutes. If you read this far and are still on the fence about coming here, let this be your sign not to.'

Then they also gave the restaurant one star out of five. A blackhole? Mysterious gray meat? I just… I’m baffled. I don’t even know what to say. This poor restaurant is being pranked to no end.”

“What if they’re not pranks, though?” he asked her smiling. “You never know, the place could be filled to the brim with lizard people and meat portals.”

“That’s the thing though, none of these reviews are remotely similar. There is no mention of lizard-human hybrids or the rotting meat anywhere else. Let me read you this one, babe. JennBenn01 wrote:

'We drive past this place every day when I take my children to school. It always looked unassuming, but for some reason my kids were always fascinated by it. They kept asking me repeatedly, “When are you going to take us there? Mommy, we want to go to Hurger’s Burgers.” Finally, after weeks of putting up with it, I caved. We came here last Friday night at around 7 pm. I was prepared for it to be busy, given that it was dinner time and the start of the weekend. But we were the only people in there besides the workers. The woman who sat us hardly acknowledged our presence, and me and my two children were sat at an old looking table with mismatched chairs. Each chair had visible stains on their cushions, and the floor beneath our feet was sticky and covered with what looked like soda. I wanted to leave right away, but my children didn’t seem to care, so I reluctantly stayed. Our waiter came a few minutes later with water, and he was attentive but not nice. He didn’t really show any emotion, but it was okay. I know people sometimes have long days and don’t always have the most energy at night, especially on a Friday. I kept trying to give this place the benefit of the doubt. You know what they say, support small businesses and all. But as we were waiting for our food, something scuttled over my feet. I nearly threw myself back from the table and flipped my chair over because I was so startled. Panting out of fright, I looked down at the floor to try and find the culprit. I expected to see a rat or two, but what I saw was even WORSE. Running past the vacant tables and towards the kitchen was a GOBLIN. I’m not kidding. It was disgusting—green skin, warts, dirty clothes, and stringy, greasy hair. It didn’t look like a tiny human; it was more grotesque. What makes it even worse though, other than the fact that it RAN RIGHT OVER MY FEET, is the fact that it made it into the kitchen. I could see the waiter’s door open slightly as it snuck in to where our food was being made. I was in shock as I looked at the door, and my kids were too. What happened next was even more disturbing. We could here stomping come from the kitchen. Numerous thuds, grunts, and what sounded like a pumpkin being smashed. Shortly after, our waiter came out and carried our food to our table. His foot? Covered. In what you may ask? What I could only assume was GOBLIN BLOOD. His shoe was stained red, when just a few minutes before it was perfectly clean. I don’t even know what to say. He stomped it to death and then brought us our food like nothing happened at all. And to really put the icing on the cake, our food was cold. Not lukewarm, cold. They must’ve been too busy back there KILLING, than making sure our food was hot. Terrible experience through and through.'

One out of five stars. And Jarrett,” Steph said, “they just keep going. This one mentions a pack of gnomes running around the restaurant biting people’s legs while the waiter does nothing to stop them.” She scrolled some more. “This one says that they went into Hurger’s Burgers happy and hopeful, and they came out with singed hair and no eyebrows because the ‘dragon they keep in the lady’s room got out.’ How are there so many of these? There’s not a single normal review out of hundreds.”

“Okay, okay,” Jarrett said as he walked over to where Steph was sitting on the couch. He sat down next to her, pulled her computer from her lap, and began to read the screen. “Oh my God, you’re right. They just go on and on.” He continued to scroll through more reviews but stopped when Steph pointed something out.

“Ah-ha!” she exclaimed. “There! Finally, a normal one. This one’s posted by JakeNovak22. Short and sweet, he says:

'Restaurant wasn’t the cleanest. Food was kinda bland. Needed salt but there was none on the table. Milkshake was good though.'

And he gave them three out of five stars. Not really a harsh critic. That’s nice to see at least, especially when it’s drowning in a sea of fake reviews.”

“Yeah, at least he had the decency to be honest,” Jarrett said, agreeing with her. “But I think we both know what this means, Steph.”

“What?” she questioned.

The two looked at each other. Steph had a quizzical look on her face as Jarrett smirked in return.

“No,” she told him, shaking her head. “I am not stepping foot in that restaurant.”

“But don’t you feel bad for them? Aren’t you curious?” he said while holding her hand. “Come on, Steph. We have to see what it’s like. I want to know if there’ll still be any goblin blood splattered on the floor.”

“Jarrett,” Steph sighed. “It’s just going to be some shitty place that doesn’t serve good food but is still overpriced anyways. There isn’t going to be a portal that plops our food onto our table. It’s just a hole in the wall that will go out of business within the next few months. We’ve been to so many of those already, we don’t need to go to another. It would be a waste of time and money, you know that.”

“Okay, I agree. But…” he said, elongating the short “u.” “I still really want to go. Don’t you want to experience it? To know what it’s really like?” He said the last sentence with a goofy grin.

Steph rolled her eyes. “No.” She paused, thought for a second, and said, “Okay, maybe just a little. But you know what they say about curiosity. It killed the cat.”

“So what?” he replied. “We’re not cats, we’re humans. Which means it’s settled: we’ll go tomorrow night.”

“Fine,” Steph told him. “But you’re paying for both of our meals, plus dessert after.”

“Who knows, we might not have room for dessert after we chow down on some mystery meat burgers.”

“Whatever,” she said, rolling her eyes.

***

The next day came and the two headed to Hurger’s Burgers after they both got home from work. Steph was still showing great reluctance. She tried to tell Jarrett she was tired from a long day and that all she wanted to do was stay in and relax, but he wouldn’t let her. They bickered for a few minutes before he reminded her of the possibility of dessert. She caved. They’d be getting ice cream from their favorite creamery afterwards.

Jarrett and Steph pulled into the strip’s parking lot and got out of the car. To their surprise, the place was full of customers. They looked at each other with raised eyebrows and shrugged.

“Maybe the reviews attracted other curious people like us?” Jarrett questioned.

“I was about to say the same thing. Maybe it won’t be so bad,” Steph said hopefully.

Jarrett opened the door to the restaurant, and Steph walked in first. She was greeted by chatter from the patrons inside and noticed that the smell of the restaurant was normal. She wasn’t greeted by the stench of rotting meat, or the acrid fume of goblin remains. Instead, it smelled like what the restaurant was known for: burgers and fries, but there was also a slight scent of cleaning products hanging in the air.

‘Maybe they actually spruced the place up,’ Steph thought to herself.

Jarrett let the door close behind him, and they were both welcomed by a college aged girl who walked off the dining room floor to seat them. She looked normal: blond highlights, slight, natural makeup, a stud piercing on the right side of her nose, and she was wearing a Hurger’s Burgers long sleeve shirt. She had on a pair of dark wash jeans, and her non-slip shoes looked like they were about to fall apart from overuse.

“Just the two of you?” she asked in a monotone voice as she eyed Jarrett and Steph up and down.

“Yes, two,” Steph answered. “Please,” she added.

“Right this way,” the girl said as she turned.

The worker led them to a table specifically made for two. It was big enough for the just them, but like the review said, it was old and worn. The wood seemed to be unfinished, without any varnish, and it looked dangerous. Steph was afraid one of them would have a large splinter in their fingers before they finished their meals. The chairs thankfully didn’t look awful. There were no visible stains or rips, but they were a tacky teal color and didn’t fit the ambiance of the restaurant at all. It reminded Jarrett of those 90s paper cups that were everywhere at the time. As they sat, they were given two sparce menus that didn’t have many options.

“I’m also your waitress,” the worker told them. “I’ll be right back with some waters for you.”

“Thank you,” Jarret and Steph said in unison, smiling. Their waitress didn’t smile back.

After a few minutes of them looking at the short list of meals they were able to choose from, Jarrett asked Steph if she had made up her mind.

“I think I’m just going to get the ‘Classic Hurger Burger’ with fries. But no onions. What about you?”

“Hmm,” Jarrett said. “I was honestly thinking the same thing. It’s best to play it safe when coming to a place like this,” he said as he looked around.

They had a group of four to their left, made up of two couples. The girls were talking to each other as the guys scrolled on their phones. They didn’t look ecstatic about being there. On their right was a table of three teenagers who were being a annoyingly loud as they kept laughing at anything they thought was funny. They had already gotten their food and finished. Their plates were cleared, their cups empty of everything except for some un-melted ice. Maybe that was a good sign.

Their waitress came to their table, gave Steph and Jarrett their waters, and took their orders. They both wanted Coke, but had to settle for Pepsi, and their burger orders were the exact same too. No onions on either.

“I’ll have that ready for you in a little bit. Did you guys need anything else?” she asked them with a disinterested tone. Her face was so devoid of any emotion that Jarrett thought it might be carved from stone.

“Yeah, actually can we-” Steph began to ask for extra napkins, but the girl had already walked away. “Never mind then.”

Jarrett laughed off the rudeness, and Steph rolled her eyes.

“I guess the reviews were right about the service then,” Jarrett said. “She’s not very friendly.”

Steph agreed and they began to talk about their days at work. Nothing exciting had happened to either of them, so they sat in comfortable silence for a few moments before their food came. The waitress set it on their table, along with a small stack of napkins, and walked away to go help another couple across the restaurant.

“Oh wow, she brought some without us asking,” Jarrett pointed out. “That’s nice.”

“Mhm,” Steph said with a bite of a fry in her mouth. “Thankfully.”

Their food was hot but in desperate need of seasoning. The hamburger was bland, and the condiments could only add so much flavor. They could’ve drenched it in mayonnaise and ketchup, but even then, it wouldn’t have made the meat any more flavorful. Their french fries were still greasy from the fry trap, and those too needed salt. But, like the review had said, there was none on the table. They were going to try and get their waitress’s attention, but she was busy and they didn’t want to interrupt her. They agreed to take the loss on this one, eat their meals, and ask for the bill whenever she returned. They had had a feeling Hurger’s Burgers would be a letdown, but at least it wasn’t as bad as what it could have been. Their waitress gave them their check shortly after they finished, and Jarrett tipped twenty percent, even though Steph thought he shouldn’t have.

Their waitress told them to have a good night, and as she reached to pick up their plates, her shirt sleeve rode up, revealing her wrist and lower forearm. Steph’s eyes widened as she noticed thick, brown fur where her skin should have been. The waitress noticed Steph’s surprise and flashed her sharp, wolflike teeth at her.

“Have a grrreat night guys,” she said with a low growl.

“You too,” Jarrett said, not noticing what had truly happened as he put his card back in his wallet.

“Jarrett,” Steph said with a racing heart. “Can we please go get that ice cream now?”