You Did What?!

It’s right around the corner there. JESUS CHRIST! Where’d you get your license? A Kinder Surprise?

No, stupid, Kinder Surprises are illegal.

As is stealing a suitcase full of money from Danny Maroni but that didn’t stop us, did it?

I suppose it didn’t. You know, I accidentally brought a Kinder surprise from Canada into the States one time?

You crime rider.

I know right? But it seriously was an accident.

Which is what we tell Maroni if he asks.

You think he got mad?

I think it might have annoyed him a bit, yeah.

You think he knows it was us?

We wouldn’t be alive if he did. Which is why we laid low and let things blow over. But now we can dig it all up.

It’s exciting, isn’t it? Right here?

Yeah just over there— BLOODY HELL STOP!

Relax, relax, I’ve got it under control.

Barely! Remind me why I let you drive?

It’s my car. Got it down in Florida I did. Red’s my favourite colour, you know.

Whatever. Did you pack what I asked?

Pop the trunk, you’ll see.

You’ve got to be kidding. These are gardening shovels…

You didn’t tell me how deep we had to dig.

YOU HELPED BURY IT!

Well that’s six months ago, isn’t it? C’mon, man, you can’t expect me to remember every single detail.

Do you even remember where we buried it?

Sure I do! Fifteen men on the dead man’s chest—

That’s Treasure Island, you nitwit!

Never heard of it.

You’re impossible. And what’s this?

Raspberry Pop! It’s soda and it’s my favourite colour!

I told you to bring food!

No, you said you were going to bring food—I just had to bring something to drink.

And you brought this junk? You absolute—

Yeah, I missed you too buddy.

You kill me. Just grab a shovel and let’s go.

So, how’s laying low been treating you?

It’s been alright. Very… quiet.

You think it’s been long enough?

Surely. From what I hear, old Danny boy has bigger issues to deal with than a suitcase gone missing. Hey, why are you wearing a Hawaiian shirt underneath your suit?

This? It’s a funny story actually. I had to find a place to spend my six months away and I’ve always wanted to go to Florida because my granny’s from there. Man, is she a woman and a half! She has this pair of gator boots—

Can you dig while you talk?

Oh. Yes. Sorry.

And can you get back to the shirt?

Right. So as I was saying, I wanted to go to Florida. Miami, specifically. You said to lay low so I wanted to blend in. I think to myself: what do people in Miami wear?

The same thing everybody else wears?

You would think that, but it’s not so simple.

It never is with you, is it?

What’s that supposed to mean?

Just that you’re very… what’s the word… intricate.

Thank you.

It wasn’t a compliment.

In that case, no thank you.

I don’t think that’s how it works.

Anyway, I get down there and it strikes me. Hawaiian shirts, of course! I mean, it’s kind of in the name, isn’t it?

In the name?

Yeah. What do they wear in Florida? Hawaiian shirts! Clear as day.

How in the world is that in the name?

Do you know where Hawaii is?

I reckon the problem is that you don’t.

Umm, sure I do. Probably in the same place as all the Hawaiian shirts. You know it’s okay to think a little once in a while, right?

I—

In any case I decide to go into a store and get myself a Hawaiian shirt, and I spot this one hanging there on the rack. It sort of reminded me of my granny actually because— why are you looking at me like that? Oh, right, back to the shirt. Now it seems a bit garish but I’m telling you down there in the sun I was like a piece of green silly string in a field of grass!

You were like a what?

Green silly string. In grass. Because it’s hard to find.

Oh my god.

I was a bit self-conscious in it at first, but Phyllis thought it suited me like a flipper suits a fish!

What? Like flippers suit… wait— who’s Phyllis?

I haven’t told you about Phyllis?

You’ve told me about your grandmother.

I love my granny! Do you know she—

Hey! Focus! Who’s Phyllis?

Right. Phyllis is this reformed conwoman. Are you alright man? You look a little pale.

You were supposed to lay low!

I did!

You hung out with a conwoman!

Reformed conwoman.

Oh boy…

She was this young lady I met at a bar. We got to talking and I maybe had a mojito or two too much because I started… telling her things.

Excuse me, what?

She asked about my occupation, my hobbies, and it just sort of slipped out. Hey man when you hold the shovel like that I half think you’re gonna stab me.

I’m half debating it. What exactly did you tell her?

Do you remember that thing where I had to get some money from Maroni’s daughter?

Fuck me.

And the thing with the girl in the Converse?

Are you kidding?

And I might have told her the entire suitcase thing… You’ll give yourself a concussion if you keep hitting your head with that shovel.

I’ll give you a concussion with it, that’s what I’ll do. If she narcs I’m gonna need a bigger shovel to dig the hole I’ll throw you in.

Why would you throw me in a hole?

My god…

Phyllis won’t narc. She’s been in similar situations, she knows what laying low is like.

I’ll lay you low…

What?

Nothing. Keep talking. And keep digging—it’ll take years with these spoons.

She invited me over to her place for some drinks— don’t look at me that way, it wasn’t like that. She was just being nice and introducing me to a new city. She even invited me to tag along with her on a job.

Please tell me you said no.

Why would I say no?

BECAUSE SHE’S A CONWOMAN AND YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO LAY LOW!

Reformed conwoman. She wasn’t doing that kind of work anymore. She was a mover.

A mover?

Yes. She and a couple of her friends helped move things around down by the beach.

What, like the sand?

No, silly! Like for the hotels and the casinos and stuff like that. That reminds me, my granny once—

Forget your granny! What in the world do you mean she moved stuff for the casinos?

Like if a table was broken or a slot machine had to go in a different building.

Oka-ay.

And of course she also helped move the fake money. Whoa are you okay? Are you choking? Do you need help?

I’m— I’m fine. I just need to— fake money? What do you mean fake money?

How was it Phyllis explained it? She said it was like how restaurants sometimes have fake customers to attract real customers. Apparently casinos do the same thing but with money.

They… they really don’t.

I think Phyllis knows a little bit more about that—it is her job after all. Hey, y our face is gonna get muddy when you bury it in your dirty hands like that.

Please, please, please, tell me you said goodnight and drove home in that red car of yours.

Umm, no? I’d had like a billion mojitos, remember? It’s illegal to drink and drive.

Jesus Christ…

Anyway one of the casinos she works for had misprinted a lot of this fake money so it didn’t have the casino owner’s face on them like they were supposed to. Phyllis and her team were to go in and take them away to make room for new money, printed right. I helped them.

You did what?

Helped clear out the old money.

You… helped clear out…

The old money. Yes.

To make room for the new money.

That’s right.

Because these had been printed with the wrong face.

Correct.

Did they… perhaps… have Benjamin Franklin’s face on them?

Yes! How did you know?

Oh. My. God.

It was a lot of fun actually—it isn’t often you get to see the inner workings of a casino. And Phyllis and her crew were so kind too!

Tell me, which part of laying low was it you didn’t understand?

I was blending in.

BY ROBBING A CASINO!

If you want to blend in in a place where people rob casinos you have to rob a casino. Duh.

YOU FU—

I’m kidding! I didn’t rob a casino. I didn’t rob anything. Are you counting to ten?

If you didn’t rob a casino, then what in the world did you think you were doing?

Clearing out misprinted money. We just took out the trash, if you will.

Bloody hell… five million dollars worth of trash.

Twenty.

Say what?

The phoney money amounted to twenty million fake dollars. Remember to breathe, you’re looking a little blue.

YOU STOLE TWENTY MILLION DOLLARS?

How many times do I have to say this? We didn’t steal anything, I just helped them do their jobs! It’s like my granny always—

Screw your granny!

Whoa, there’s no need for that tone.

Right, right, go uh… continue. Keep going. And stop throwing the dirt like that.

Someone’s a little cranky. Have a soda.

I don’t want a soda.

But it’s red.

There’s a joke here about blood I’m not going to make because it would be too heartfelt.

What? Anyway, there isn’t much to tell, actually. We went in there and Phyllis apparently knew a lot of people for she kept shaking hands with workers and security guards, and they nodded to her and she had this card that gave her access to the vault where they keep the fake money. We stuff all of it into bags that we load onto this little baggage cart. Phyllis said it was so we didn’t ruin the illusion for the customers.

Of course she did.

At some point the alarm actually went off but Phyllis just laughed and said it happens sometimes. I shouldn’t worry about it, the police would probably come but she would have someone stay behind to talk to them and explain that it was an accident.

The… the police? You saw the police?

No, no, I was far gone by the time they came there.

Good. Good, that’s good. You went in, went out, and that’s that.

Sort of.

Sort of?

Well, we got out to the car and I offered to drive the money to Phyllis’ storage unit.

YOU DID WHAT?!

Come on, man, it was just a quick drive, it was the least I could do. Besides, any excuse to take that red beauty out for a spin, am I right?

Please, for the love of God tell me nobody saw you.

Plenty of people saw me. The quickest route was straight through Ocean Drive and you know how I am about routes.

Would you object awfully if I were to hit you?

Hit me? Why would you hit me?

If you don’t know you almost don’t deserve it. Almost.

Anyway, I’m driving down the street with the fake money in my trunk and I see this old lady hitchhiking, and I thought: heck, my trunk’s full but I ain’t got nobody in the passenger seat. Might as well, huh?

Can I get something straight?

Ask as many questions as you need, man. And if I use any words you don’t understand, you can just ask me.

Any words I don’t— what words don’t you think I understand?

Illusion is a big word I thought maybe…

What? No! I’m just curious as to what went through your head when you decided to give that old woman a ride while you had TWENTY MILLION DOLLARS LYING IN YOUR TRUNK!

I’m a good person, man. That’s what good people do. Help out the elderly.

You’ve murdered people for less than the price of a popsicle!

Sure, but just because I’m in this industry doesn’t mean I have to be impolite.

IMPOLITE? YOU WERE DRIVING AROUND WITH TWENTY MILLION—

You’re quite fixated on that money, huh?

OF COURSE I AM! IN CASE YOU HADN’T NOTICED, TWENTY MILLION IS A LOT!

If you’re playing monopoly.

I’m sorry, what? Monopoly?

You have to remember: the money wasn’t real. What was that? I can’t hear you when you’ve got your fist in your mouth like that.

I asked what happened then.

I drove her home.

Which was where?

Right next to the police station.

Oh sweet Jesus…

I actually got to talking to one of the officers there and he admired my car so much I nearly offered to give him a ride in it.

Tell me you didn’t.

No, don’t worry. But he was so nice I thought he would enjoy seeing the fake money.

You’re joking. You showed the police the money?

Yes.

Why in the name of all that is holy would you ever do that?

They asked what I had in the trunk.

WHY DIDN’T YOU LIE?!

Why should I? I hadn’t done anything illegal.

YOU HAD ROBBED A CASINO!

No. It was all make-believe, see? It was fake money. Do you need me to explain it again, what with the fake customers luring others in and all? What are you doing to that soda? If you shake it like that it’ll pop. HEY!

Oh no, did I spill on you?

You’re not very nice, do you know that?

AND YOU ROBBED A CASINO IN MIAMI!

Whatever the case the policeman thought it was funny, but told me to be careful—using fake money is very punishable.

Amongst other things. Stealing real money for example.

What’s that?

Nothing.

Well, I got to the spot—this little shed out in the middle of nowhere—and Phyllis helped me unload it.

Did they at least split it with you?

Split it with… oh, you mean pay me? They wanted to give me a stack of the money—just a couple bands.

Yes?

Then Phyllis got all mad and said I’d done so much I deserved a duffle bag full of it.

Yes?

So they begin stuffing this huge bag with the cash—a bag like five times as big as the one we stole from Danny Maroni.

Oh my god, yes.

But I couldn’t see what use I had for all that monopoly money so I said if they really wanted to thank me they should by me another Hawaiian shirt.

OH MY GOD, NO!

Wow man, you’re really invested in this. If you want I can buy you a stack of monopoly money after this? Are you crying?

Just dig.

I must admit I almost cried a little when I tried to find Phyllis the next week. She wasn’t anywhere! I even went back into the casino—

You didn’t.

—to ask if anybody had seen her but they claimed they didn’t even know who she was! Isn’t that weird?

Oh thank God. So no one knows? No one knows you were in that casino?

Not unless they find the photos.

Photos? What photos?

The ones I took of us cleaning the casino.

THEY LET YOU TAKE PHOTOS OF THAT?!

Why wouldn’t they? They were just doing their jobs.

Lord help me.

I think I have them somewhere here, I just have to find the pocket.

No way. I’m just gonna—

HEY! Those were memorabilia from my time in Miami!

They were a liability is what they were.

Still there wasn’t any reason to rip them apart like that. You know my granny?

No, you’ve never mentioned her.

Oh. She’s from Florida and she has these boots—

OF COURSE I KNOW YOUR GRANNY!

Whoa, relax man. Well she always said a photo was the best souvenir.

I’m sure she did.

How will I remember Phyllis now?

Don’t worry, I won’t let you forget.

Did I do something wrong?

Don’t bother. I guess there’s not much we can do about it now.

I guess not.

Did you feel that?

Yes! I see the handle!

Sweet Mother Mary, it’s all here. You have no idea how happy this makes me.

If you think that’s a lot of money you should have seen the trunk of my car down in Miami. Why are you gripping that shovel so hard?

You— whatever. Let’s just get back to the car. This time I’m driving.

It’s my car. I bought it down in—

In Florida, I know. And… wait. Is that the car you…?

The one I used to help Phyllis? Sure is. Hey! You almost hit me with that shovel!

If you stand still I won’t miss next time.

I don’t care what you say about my driving, it’s my car.

None of us are driving. That car is staying right where it is. We’re walking, and you’re never going to Miami again, that’s for sure.

But—

Just trust me on this. I’d explain it, but I don’t think you’d understand. Say, you never finished telling me the story about the shirt.

Oh that’s right! I went in to try it on and it fit me so perfectly I completely forgot I was even wearing it and I just strolled straight out of the store with it on. Isn’t that funny? I became an accidental criminal that day.

Sure. That was the day you became an accidental criminal. Come on, what do you say we head north to the border and find somewhere to divvy up the money? I’ve got a real hankering for Kinder Surprises all of a sudden.

You know, my granny used to eat these—