Out of the Shadow

CW: Sexual violence, Physical violence, gore or abuse

Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. The robotic teacher was going on and on and on. I felt her beady eyes staring at me with my mouth wide open in a yawn. I was bored to tears. But then a glow glimmered around the angel who walked on air into our classroom. I imagined a halo over her blond hair as SHE timidly walked in. I remembered it like it was yesterday when in reality it was 25 years ago.

Last row, last seat. My favorite place. I found they would not bully me so much if I sat back away from everyone. If I had my choice, I would be sitting under the desk. Big Mac, that’s what everyone called him, was at his adult size desk against the wall that had been pulled away from the rest of us in our 5th grade class. He should have been sitting in the principal’s office. That’s where he belonged. The boy had a mustache and was taller than Mrs. Sullivan, our teacher.She didn’t know how to handle him, so she would isolate him away from everyone. But it just gave him a perfect view to pick his nose and flick it at me. He was gross. I tried my best not to look at him. As soon as Mrs. Sullivan would turn away an occasional pen or marker, waded up paper, even small rocks would come flying in my direction. At times I would look at him, and he would have a big, crooked, evil looking smirk on his face holding up his middle finger pointed at me.I could see him mouthing, “I will see you after class.” I sat quietly and tried to appear small with my chin on my desk. My heart was beating like a drum as the oaf scared the life out of me.

It was on this particular morning when I heard tiny innocent steps tap across the floor in front of the room. I refused to look up but when Big Mac mumbled, “damn”, I raised my eyes to see what the idiot was looking at.

While holding her small hand, Mrs. Sullivan spoke in her high pitched teachery voice, and I sat up and listened. “Class. We have a new student today. Her name is Sandra. She prefers to be called Sandy. Everyone say hi to Sandy.”

All the girls responded in a sing-song harmonious voice with “Hi Sandra.” And the boys just sat with their mouths open. Except for Big Mac. He stood up and said in his deep voice, “Well, hi there, Sandy. I am Maxwell, but everyone calls me Big Mac.”

He began licking his lips and the teacher gave him a glare that could have stopped the sun from shinning.

“Now, just sit down, Maxwell.”

Surprisingly, he obeyed but grabbed himself. He didn’t care if anyone saw him or not.

Mrs. Sullivan guided Sandy down the aisle to the empty desk in front of me. I swallowed down the lump in my throat as I listened to the rustle of her pink polka-dot dress. I became dizzy as I watched her sway and slide smoothly into the seat. Mrs. Sullivan placed her hand under my chin to shut my gaping mouth. I jumped up to help the new girl get comfortable.

“I am Will Harper,” I whispered.

“Hi. I am Sandy Gaines.”

Suddenly there was a loud BANG! All eyes of surprise were on Big Mac. A face of dare was displayed as he picked up another text book and slammed it to the floor. I could not avoid the angry stare aimed at me by Big Mac. I knew a threat when I saw one and I felt the threat. My heart began beating fast in my chest as I knew what would be happening at the end of the day. There was no way my 85 pounds could possibly hold off the 300 pound bully and especially if his goons, Earnie, and Lester were with him. Mrs. Sullivan walked over to Big Mac and motioned for him to pick up his things and whispered firmly, “Go to the office.”

At lunch, my feeling of infatuation overtook me. I rushed to stand next to Sandy. I gazed into her blue eyes and offered to carry her lunch tray to the table. Feeling like the king of the 5th grade class, I sat down next to the prettiest girl in school. It was just a second before the laughing hyenas of Autumn, Sally, Michelle and Letty squeezed in between us skooching me to the end of the bench.

I watched Sandy throughout the day as she chose desks around Autumn and company. The last bell of the day sounded and everyone charged out the huge doors of the school that led to freedom, except me. I hung back until I felt it safe to leave. I had made it through the doors, down the stairs, down the sidewalk and almost made it past the tree lined walk that led to the parking lot where the buses sat waiting. One more tree to go when suddenly Big Mac’s tree trunk of a leg stuck quickly out of the bottom of the bush tripping me. I tried getting up but his elephant size foot pushed me down onto the pavement. He dragged me into the tree like a gorilla would drag his kill of the day.

I limped the two miles to my house, holding my side.I wiped the blood from my nose with the back of my hand and hoped nobody on the street would see me. My vision was blurred but I was relieved when I could see that my uncle’s truck was not in the driveway. I fumbled around in my pocket for the house key. Stumbling inside, I rushed to the bathroom. I was in pain and scared to look at my face in the mirror. With warm wet towels, I gently washed the blood from around my nose. I dabbed at the scratches on my face. My eyes must have been swollen shut as I could barely open them. I applied warm towels and finally could see through the slits. I didn’t want to, but I started crying.

I heard the front door open followed by his heavy footsteps on the hardwood floor before I heard Uncle Dave shout, “Are you home, boy?!”

As strong as I could muster, I shouted back, “Yeah.”

But I guess it wasn’t strong enough because Uncle Dave slung the door to the bathroom wide open.

“What’s wrong with you?”

I covered my face with wet towels and mumbled. “Nothing. I am fine.”

He stared at the blooded towel and shouted back, “Don’t lie to me boy. What the hell happened to you? You look like you got caught up in a fan.”

I didn’t answer and then he demanded. “I said, what happened to you? It was that Big Mac fella again, wasn’t it?”

I slowly nodded. Uncle Dave sat on the commode and helped me wash my face. He applied ointment to the cuts and bandaged what he could.

“You are going to have to stand up to that brute one day, Will.”

“But dad said to walk away from fights. He told me I would end up in prison like him if I let my fists do the talking,” I said.

“I know what my brother said. But one day you won’t be able to walk away. Tomorrow when you are feeling better, we are going to the basement and I am going to teach you how to defend yourself.”

“No, Uncle Dave. I don’t want to fight. Dad says I will be a bigger man if I walk away, turn the cheek. That’s what he made me promise him I would do to avoid prison.”

“Your dad is wrong.”

After my fighting lessons with Uncle Dave over the weekend, I had a few hours to myself for my homework. Sunday evening, I looked through the bay windows from the living room and across the street. I noticed a moving van pulling away from the house two doors down where the O’Neils use to live. I wondered who our new neighbors were. Curiously, I kept watching.

“There’s a pretty little girl in that house. I saw her helping her parents move stuff in. She has long blond hair and about your height. She’s really cute. Her blue eyes matched the frilly dress she had on. You would like her,” Uncle Dave said with a grin.

I swallowed hard. It sounded like he was describing Sandy. I started to step outside but remembered my black eyes. Then I saw her. I fell back onto the couch when it dawned on me she was moving in across the street.

I missed school on Monday even though I wanted to go badly because of Sandy. I stood at our living room window for hours waiting to see her again. Finally, a car pulled up. I saw her jump out and say something to her mother. She then began crossing the street coming to my house.

The dinging of the doorbell made me catch my breath. I stood as still as a statue. My face looked better but my eyes were still black. I hesitated and slowly opened the door a crack. Her smile melted my heart.

“Mrs. Sullivan said you lived across the street from me and asked me to bring your assignments to you so you won’t fall too far behind on your work.” Her words trailed off at the end as she glared at my Uncle Dave’s sunglasses staring back at her.

“Thank you.” I said and reached for the assignments.

She turned to go and then said, “Oh by the way, Big Mac has been expelled.”

I smiled and said, “I wonder why.”

Looking at me with sad eyes she said, “Me too.”

That was the beginning of a great friendship between Sandy and me. We grew very close and by our 8th grade year we were “going out” with each other. Big Mac and his cronies continued with pushing me down, calling me names, pointing and laughing at me. But they never punched me again. That might have been because the principal threatened them with juvenile detention.

Our 8th grade graduation was a day for celebration. We would be going into high school. Excitement was in the air at the auditorium as everyone anticipated the ceremony. We stood around in a group talking and laughing as we reminisced about our middle school years. I looked around for Sandy. I saw her coming back from the dressing room smiling and she had a bounce to her step. I also noticed Big Mac, Ernie, and Lester walking towards her. My heart leapt into my throat. I tightened my fist remembering what Uncle Dave had said but also remembering what my dad had always told me. “It takes a man to walk away.” I began walking in their direction when they turned and saw me approaching them. But before I could get closer, the football coach, Mr. Galbreth stepped in between them. He politely moved Sandy away.

I rushed to her side and wrapped my hand around hers. I looked over my shoulder as we walked back to our group.

Following the graduation ceremony, we stepped outside and waited for her parents. I took advantage of the dark and held her in my arms and kissed her. My love for her engulfed my soul.

I watched their car drive away. I saw Sandy turn around in the seat and wave. I waved back and started down the dark street home. I was on cloud 9. I was half a block from my house, when I heard a deep, throated yell from behind me. Suddenly, fists from all directions were slamming away at me. I used my arms to cover my face, but I refused to fight back. Suddenly, a man from across the street came running towards us. He pulled Big Mac and the thugs off me. Laughing, they ran off into the dark. Mr. Gaines helped me home. Uncle Dave met us at the door and told Mr. Gaines he would take it from there.

“Will, I will not tell you again what you have to do. We’ve been working for years on how to fight. But if you don’t have the fight in you, then you just keep getting the fight knocked out of you.” Uncle Dave helped me to the bathroom. Disgusted, he stomped away.

It was the summer before we started our Freshman year. I was now 6’ tall and weighed 200 pounds. I had been working out under the watchful eye of Coach Gilbreth. He took me aside one day and told me he could use me on the football team. He led me to the weight room.

“Let’s get started here,” he said as he helped me with a weight training program to build muscle and self-confidence.

I was feeling better about myself, but fighting was not in me. I avoided Big Mac as much as I could. But if it was not Big Mac harassing me, it was Ernie and Lester. But the promise I had made to my dad that I would turn the other cheek and refuse to fight played over and over in my head like a song you can’t get off your mind. I would run away every time.

One afternoon after football practice, I stopped by Sandy’s house. Her parent’s car was not in the driveway. I smiled at the thought of being alone with her. I immediately noticed the front door a jar. At the sound of whimpering I stepped inside and rushed straight to her bedroom. What I saw built a fire inside me I did not know I had. She was lying curled up in a ball on her side. I called out to her. I reached for her but she screamed and hit me with her balled up hands. I gently caught her fists and noticed the red marks and bruises on her wrists. Trying to control my emotions, I called her name again. I tried to smooth her messy hair away from her face. She was crying a river and shaking like a leaf. I then noticed her dress had been ripped open and pulled up over her knees. My heart was racing with each breath. I looked her up and down to see if she was bleeding anywhere. I stood back and shouted at the top of my lungs, “What happened?! What happened?!”

She laid there mumbling. I moved closer so I could understand her words through her sobs. I finally pieced together what she was saying. They had been here. They had attacked her and abused her. I slid off the bed to the floor. I sat there hyperventilating and rocking back and forth. Anger filled a rage inside me. A shadow covered her bedroom door and I thought they had returned. My eyes were wet with tears and I kicked at the door.Sandy’s father pushed it back at me and quickly entered the room. Her mother went to her side and her dad glared at me with pure hate and disgust in his eyes. He reached for me. I shoved him aside and charged out the door.

The bright sun beat down on me as I ran down the street and out of town. I knew where to find them. I waded through the underbrush and overgrown trees that covered their hang-out, an abandoned warehouse. Before entering, I stood outside listening. I heard them talking and laughing. I heard them mention Sandy’s name. Anger filled my heart and it was pounding so hard that I could hear its deafening rhythm in my ears. Big Mac’s back was to me as he sat on an old beat-up car seat. Ernie and Lester sat on buckets adjacent to him. My shadow covered them like the wings of a huge vulture looming over them. Ernie and Lester began laughing and pointing their finger at me.

Big Mac was turning around and said, “Who’s there? Oh, it’s the coward. Do you want us to give you what we gave your honey?” he laughed.

When they stood up, it was already too late. They came at me, but in a matter of minutes, I laid them both out. They were flat on the ground and not moving. Blood pooled around their heads. I turned just in time to see Big Mac coming at me with fist in the air. I was ready. Blood spewed from Big Mac’s flattened nose as my first hit connected hard and swift. Two more brick hard hits landed on each side of his face. His head shot back, but he remained standing. Shaking it off, he took a giant step towards me.

I looked him in his eyes and said, “This one is for Sandy.”

I coldcocked him with an upper cut under the chin. Trying to keep his footing, he stumbled backwards. Dust flew up from the floor as the big ox fell over the car seat and collapsed to the floor. I stood over his unconscious form to finish him off if he showed a sign of life. He didn’t.

They all three laid at my feet. I looked up to the roof of the building and said, “Dad, I tried it your way. It didn’t work. Sometimes you have to fight to be a man.” I kicked at the three of them and walked out.

“Will? Will?” she said. She touched my out-stretched legs on the recliner and said, “Come on. We’ve got a football game to get to. Billy will be looking for us. Where was your mind?”

“No place special, Sandy. Let’s go watch our boys fight their way to a win tonight.”