Borrowed Light

A thousand and twenty-six. Those are all the little stars that fill my constellation. Pink, green and long faded nearly white, they scatter across the ceiling. I remember standing on a chair carefully placing them where tiny hands directed. This is my new night sky and Ellie is the moon.

I try to stay anchored to the corners of the pink wallpaper, but the pull is too strong. The floorboards don't groan under my weight, though my right heel drags like an anchor through mud, still I move at a snail’s pace as not to wake her. Her feet nearly reach the end of the bed now. When had this happened? Her chocolate hair spills across her Bluey pillowcase in a tangled mess. God that girl hates to brush her hair. One lone curl lies plastered to her drool covered cheek.

 Suddenly an ache stabs through my chest, I yearn to brush her hair from her face. So many nights id done so and kissed her forehead and now I’m reduced to lurking about the shadows. Stealing moments when I’m able.

Without meaning to my hand reaches for her rogue curl but before I can touch her cheek, she begins to stir. Her little shoulders tremble as she pulls the blanket tightly around herself. Here knees shoot into her chest. Instinctively I reach to tuck the covers around her but my hands fall straight through. Here shivering worsens, rattling her small frame beneath the blankets.

I stop; the room has gone cold again. Her little eyes flutter open. For a moment, she seems to look straight through the dark, right into me. They grow more doe like with each blink, their sudden, arresting weight dropping me to my knees. It has been an eternity since I got to really look at her. I trace the contours of that tiny face—a flawless mirror of my own, but softer and brighter. She shoots up chest heaving and those brown eyes grow unnaturally wide, staring back at me.

“Ellie.” Her name escapes my lips in hoarse whisper. My baby girl sees me. She knows I am here. Of course she does, I am her mother.

 Despite the frigid cold that seems to radiates from me, her presence provides a much-needed warmth. I am more than just a shadow. Perhaps there is some semblance of life left in me Afterall. As quickly as the sensation begins it is stripped away with an ear-splitting shriek tearing through the air.

The sound tears through me, sending me back. My hand still suspended between us. Ellie scrambles backward, pressing herself against the headboard, her tiny hands clutching the blankets beneath her chin. I want to tell her it’s only me. That there’s nothing to be afraid of but there it is again. That look. The same wide, pleading eyes staring back at me through the rearview mirror. Only this time there’s no road between us. No approaching headlights. Theres only me.

Still, I cannot bring myself to look away. I want to soak in this moment, memorize every inch of her growing features. The curves of her cheeks, the little crease between her brows, the way her hair falls across her forehead. Even now with terror written across her face, all I see is light. I should leave. I know I should. But without my moon, there is only dark.

Another scream snaps me out of my thoughts. Ellie throws her blanket over her self-burying herself down into the mattress. “Daddy, Daddy!” Her little voice trembles as she yells. The fear in her heart cuts me just as it had before, when she called for me instead.

I begin to pull myself away and as I do a stark blackness begins to creep in on me. The walls becoming distorted the farther I get, I don’t want to go back there. I have to make sure she’s ok. I’m met with a stabbing pain as I scurry into the corner to linger a bit longer out of view.

I hear the flick of a switch and I am suddenly blinded by light. “what’s wrong, Ellie?” I can’t see him but it’s a voice I know well. Immediately my lips to curl down. I blink quickly trying to adjust.

 My sweet girl still lay tightly tucked under her blankets. Crouched down I notice Teddy under the bed. I had got him for Ellie when she was just a baby. She never does anything without him. Caleb fought me tooth and nail on how she was a big girl now, she shouldn’t be carrying him everywhere. How long had he been forgotten under there?  

“I saw mommy!” She exclaims keeping the covers tucked. I fold myself deeper into the corner. Something catches beneath my ribs as I bend. A sharp resistance that makes me stop but Caleb walks right through the chill I left behind, completely oblivious, and sinks onto the edge of her mattress. His shirt hangs loose around his shoulders. His once round face much sharper, eyes sunken almost sick. I briefly wonder if he’s been eating, then dismiss the though as he peels the covers from Ellie’s head.

  “What do you mean, sweetie? Like in a dream?” Despite the exhaustion carving deep lines into his face, his voice is a low, patient hum. She climbs from under her cotton-made amor and right into his lap shaking her head fiercely.

Caleb brushes the hair from her forehead; his fingers move gently through the tangled stands. Ellie wraps her arms around his neck, squeezing tightly.

I should be the one holding her. How many nights had I begged him to take over bed time? Just this once, I’d ask. Just sit with her till she falls asleep. Give me twenty damn minutes to myself. Now he knows exactly how to hold her. How to quiet her trembling with a few whispered words.

 Apparently, all it took was my death for him to take on the role of doting father, and I’ll be damned he’s actually playing it well.

Keeping her head tucked in his chest, she points behind her to where I once stood. “She was right there. It was scary. She was all burnt up…”

Her voice is small but rings loud in my head. Me? Scary? Burned? The word falls heavy in the pit of my stomach. I look down at myself, at the hands that once braided her hair and wiped the tears from her cheeks, placed countless band aids on imaginary scrapes. Surely, she remembers those hands.

 I am helpless to watch as he anchors her against his chest, rocking her back and forth in a slow, rhythmic sway, swallowing her whimpers with a soft shh...

“Everything’s going to be ok. I think I see her too sometimes. But mommy is in heaven now.”

  “No,” she whispers, her small voice flat and certain. “She’s not.”

“I know it feels that way, sweetie,” he murmurs, his voice smooth and maddeningly calm as he wraps the blanket tighter around her shoulders. He doesn't look my way. He doesn't look anywhere but at her. “Bad dreams can make things feel so real. But Mommy is at peace. She’s resting now.”

Peace? Resting? The words sour in my mouth. I lie like discarded trash in the corner of my child’s bedroom, dragging my broken leg through the dark, tearing myself apart just to stay close to her, and he dismisses me like a passing shadow. He doesn’t know, he couldn’t fathom what it’s like when the darkness comes. The utter emptiness that swallows me whole until there’s nothing left me. No thoughts or dreams just a pure absence of being. And he has the nerve to call that peace.

I push myself upright, bracing against the wall as pain shoots through my ruined leg. Caleb continues rocking her and murmuring promises he has no right to make. But one thing we can agree upon is that everything will be alright, mommy’s here now.

I push through the pain, dragging my right leg behind me as I make my way towards the bed. Teddy lies where she’d abandoned him, his worn little face peeking out from underneath the bed frame. I remember the day I brought him home. She clutched him so fiercely  had to pry him from her hands at bath time. After that, she insisted he receive a goodnight kiss every night.

You don’t forget something like that.

I lower myself to the floor. My knees meet the hardwood without a sound, but something beneath my ribs shifts painfully as I reach forward. My finger pass through his matted fur.

 No.

I try again and again growing angrier with each slip.

 Come on.

 I paw desperately at him and for an instant, I feel something.

A faint resistance, like dragging my fingers through water.

I curl my fingers around Teddy’s arm and pull.

A pain tears through my shoulder; it’s just an inch but he moves! I stare at him in awe. For the first time since the accident, I’ve changed something. I’ve left something behind.

Above me, Caleb continues murmuring sweet nothings to Ellie, oblivious. I reach for Teddy again. This time, I manage to lift his arm from the floor. I almost laugh. Ellie will see. She’ll remember the bedtime kisses, all those nights I held her until she fell asleep. She’ll understand that it’s still me.

“Look baby.” I whisper.

Teddy’s arm hangs limply between my fingers.

Come on Ellie, look at mommy.

 I lift him higher, but my arms begin to shake. I tighten my grip, terrified he’ll slip away. As I stand there willing her to notice me, I notice something myself. A figure stands reflected in the glass of the bay window behind her bed.

 What remains of its skins is stretched tight and colorless. Elsewhere, the flesh has blackened and split, exposing raw tissue beneath. Its fingers is shriveled and leathery, curled into stiff unnatural shapes. Its arms hang awkwardly, the ruined skin disappearing against remnants of clothing.

I stare.

 The figure is holding a teddy bear.

Slowly I lower my arms.

It does the same.

 No, this isn’t right.

 I can no longer bare the strain in my arms and the bear drops to the ground face first, his plastic nose tapping the hardwood. My stomach drops and the room seems to tilt beneath my feet.

I fight to steady my gaze back to Ellie but she’s already locked on me, her mouth hanging open soundlessly. She’s looking at me. She’s really looking at me. I take a stumbling step toward her, scarcely daring to believe it.

“Ellie, baby?”

 Her mouth trembles. She presses herself farther into her father’s chest, but I hardly mind. She can see me. I won’t be alone anymore.

“It’s me, mommy.”

 Ellie shakes her head. No. She can’t believe it either. “Yes, baby. I’m here!” I exclaim.

 “Go away.” She whispers. Her head continues to shake. “Go away. Go away. Go away.”

I’m certain that I’ve misunderstood. “I know baby, I know. Everything’s going to be ok now, I promise.”

“Go away.” She repeats louder this time.

Go away?

 She’s the reason I stayed. In this house. In that marriage. I’d swallowed my own unhappiness countless times because she needed me. And now she wants me to leave.

 Even in death I am at beck and call. I claw my way out of the void just to see her face, and she looks at me as though I’m filth.

It shouldn’t have been me. It should’ve been Caleb.

“Don’t say that.”

Caleb pulls her closer, tucking her face beneath his chin. “Hey. Hey. Hey. You’re ok Babygirl. Daddys here.”

Of course he is. Now.

“Come on, you can sleep in the big bed. I’ll put on whatever movie you want.”

Caleb’s voice is a low, protective rumble as he scoops her up, anchoring her small body against his chest. He is carrying her away from me. Hasn’t he taken enough already?

I throw myself forward, my right leg dragging uselessly across the floor.

“Ellie, baby, please. I know your scared.” I drag myself a step closer.

“I’m scared too, sweetheart but you have to talk to me. I need you.”

Nothing.

“Why wont you talk to me?”

I reach out and place my hand over hers and for a brief moment of feel the warmth of little fingers in my grasp. A smaller version once held mine back walking to school, squeezing my fingers twice before running through the doors. but as quickly as the sensation begins it is its extinguished.

She snatches away as if burned by my touch, tucking her arm into her chest.

The glimmer erupts into a violent heat inside me, spilling out my eyes, stinging a raw, agonizing trails down my cheeks. How could she do this to me? Toss me aside like a toy? I can no longer be used, so I am useless.

Ellies grips at her father so fiercely her knuckles are flush red. She really doesn’t want me anymore. Just like that I am stripped of my entire identity.

 They’re almost out the door and a heavy panic slam into my chest. No. No. No. I will not go back to that place again.

“Stop!”

The door slams shut with a crack that sends Ellie shrieking. Caleb staggers backward. The lights flicker like lightening before the bulb burst thrusting us back into the dim sickly green glow from the stars above. It’s like an electric current ripping through my entire being. It feels…good. The closet I’ve felt to being alive. I am in control.

Caleb shields Ellies head from the falling glass. “Tonight, is just not our night, huh baby girl? The bulb probably just got too hot.”

You, ok? Nothing scratched you?” He brushes frantic fingers through her hair, searching for stray shards of glass as she sobs against his chest.

The certainty that once filled his voice was gone. He swallows hard, forcing a tight smile that doesn’t reach his eyes.pe

“I gotcha, baby girl.” He approaches the door again, shifting Ellie on to one hip as he twists the knob.

It doesn’t turn.

He tries again.

This time, harder.

The knob rattles violently in his hand. “Come on, “he mutters. He gives the door another sharp tug, then another. Nothing.

“I want to get out now, daddy.”

“I’m trying baby.” Theres an edge in his voice now. He shifts his weight and drives his shoulder against the door. The frame groans but it doesn’t give.

“What the hell.”

 I have to put you down honey.” Ellie protest as he places her beside him.

There she is, back against her father’s legs trembling life a leaf. Her sobs come to an abrupt stop but her tears still fall silently with her mouth agape. She’s so close I could reach out and touch her.

Something stirs deep within me. A strange fever unfurls beneath my ribs, traveling through limbs that only moments ago could support me. Ellie presses herself harder against Calebs leg, her eyes widening.

The heat intensifies.

I straighten. The agony in my sides has vanished. Even the weight of my arms has lifted. Caleb throws himself at the door ago. Another rush courses though me, so sudden and intoxicating that I nearly gasp. I’ve never felt something so exhilarating.

And God help me I don’t want it to stop.

I kneel down to Ellie and were finally face to face. My entire body is practically vibrating with a new found energy.

“’I’ve missed you so much, my sweet girl.” I away her tear soaked faced and she winces.

“You’re scaring me mommy.”

If I cannot convince her with words, then I will show her.

 I lung forward, wrapping my arms around her. I am finally holding my baby, and every instinct screams that she knows me, that she must feel how loved she is.

She struggles against me.

I hold tighter.

“Oh, my sweet Ellie. We don’t have to be scared anymore.” I rock her in my arms. “I could never leave you.”

Her body goes ridged.

I melt into the embrace resting my head on her tiny shoulder. I can finally exhale.

A warmth blossoms between us, faint at first, then impossibly bright. White light spills though the spaces between our bodies, swallowing the room.

For one impossible moment, I think she’s holding me back.

Then her fingers tighten against my arms.

 I won’t let go this time.

She gives way and falls into me and I do the same. Its as if we are one.

Without warning, a violent shock jolts through me, shattering the light.

“Can you hear me? Open your eyes for me. Come on, look at me.”

The words rush over me before my mind can even process them, but I instantly recognize the heavy, trembling arms lifting me upward. It’s Caleb. But everything is wrong. His chest is a towering wall above me. I am completely dwarfed inside his embrace, swallowed by his shirt. A vicious pounding throbs behind my temples that practically begs me to squeeze my eyes shut.

“My head…”

I freeze.

The voice is wrong.

To high. Too thin.

The words scrape through a throat too small to be mine.

It’s Ellie’s voice.

“You had me scared half to death, Ellie belly.” Caleb pulls me closer. I feel his heartbeat against my cheek.

And beneath it, my own.

Somewhere in the darkness, my little girl is waiting.

And for the first time since the accident, I am not.