Stupid

Fuck.   Goddamnit.  Why did I do that?   Maybe I was drunk or high or something?  Or maybe I’m just an idiot.   I go to the place on fifth Avenue where no one wants to go.   There are no protesters they never are people just don’t wanna go there.   The weight is 3 to 4 hours on slow days.  They must’ve taken lessons from the department of motor vehicles, right?   No one wants to be here.   If any of us had money, we go to a real doctor and be seen in 15 minutes, but this is Hell, but it’s free and free is a popular price for an unpopular place.  

      Check the surroundings   make sure no one i know is in this neighborhood.  This neighborhood is the hood that maybe you don’t know what that means.   We’re not allowed to cover our face because of gang violence and terrorist organizations so I go in. The lady asked me if I have ID so I saw my drivers license and I look around.  Different people, different races, different ethnicities, different religions:  the great American melting pot.  Not a good score pot  though.   They give me a number.  I was expecting that.   First time doing this.  So I don’t know what to expect when I get inside, but I know what’s out here.   Or I thought I did.   Lotta pamphlets.  You know the kind of sit there that nobody picked up and read so what the hell sitting here anyway and I didn’t bring a book.  That was stupid.  Why didn’t I bring a book?  Serve two purposes it will keep me entertained to hide my face in case somebody I know comes in, but I don’t think anyone I know would come in here. They all have money.   Book it or what I would expect:  “ I have syphilis now what?   AIDS in the black community”.  Usual folded paper with writing on all sides.  Must be expensive to make.   Paper and ink, wow!   And the television is on.  But with the patient still without background noise.?   so what do you think we’re watching?  HSN, TLC, C-SPAN?  No, lucky ass we’re getting to see educational videos about young people telling this the stories about how they got STI‘s.  They used to be called STDs, but the politically correct term is STI’s: sexually transmitted infections.  Apparently they’re not diseases anymore.  

     The lady finally calls a number and some young woman in a blouse with a coffee stain over her right breast and holes all over her black pants, smiles, and says that’s me.  Her teeth have some black spots and some white spots like a crossword puzzle.   Sexy.  Don’t think she’s just straight walker but here street walkers are everywhere.   That’s one of the highest risk groups.   Everyone knows that.  They and dope addicts.   But I’m not any of those things.  See, I was drunk or high or maybe both.   It was both.  It’s always both.  That’s when I do dumb things.   Have the rubbers with me all I had to do was put one of them on and none of this would’ve happened, I think.  What is wrong with me?   I’ll talk to my shrink about this, but I don’t have a shrink. I need a shrink.  Then I’d stop fucking up like this.  

     The place is not being funded well.  There are stains in the old carpet, graffiti carved into the wall., no one put a vacuum to this place in years.  

    So I wait.  Think about going outside are we getting something to eat at any fast food chain and coming back but that would cost money and the whole reason I’m at this place is I don’t have a lot of money.   Should’ve brought a pack lunch too.  Man Oh man am I stupid.   Then I do with 95% of the other people in this room we’re doing: I pray the foxhole prayer.  Please God let me be free of syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia HIVA hepatitis A, B, and C.  You know? the fucking list.  I heard the number of the first woman and I don’t mean telephone number.  This isn’t the kind of place where you meet friends or socialize.  Got a place where you hope no one sees you. You get the test you get out you come back in a week and you find out what to do from there.  I’ve been here before once, but they told me they couldn’t do shit until six months after I fucked because of some aunt’s bodies or something. But I’m back.  Same people aren’t working there not sure why maybe they work on different days. Who knows?  Who cares?   I’m scared.   I’m scared that I fucked up and I have some STI that there’s no cure for.  Don’t think the results will come back today, but I don’t know.  Maybe they’ll go to some lab in Florida.  

     They called the next number only 18 people before me.  Great.  They show something from the learning channel on the TV.   They have doctors talk about something with bacteria and viruses that doesn’t make a lot of sense.  If the results are positive it could mean I’m about to die in a year or not.  But probably send me to a real doctor that I’d have to pay for.   Borrow.  

*

  It’s been four hours and if I still smoked tobacco, would’ve been out about five times.  To get to my number and call me in.   For some reason, they weigh me and take my blood pressure which doesn’t make a lot of sense.   In a nurse asked me some questions like what am I here for today? I’m at the STI center. What the hell do you think I’m here for?  They offer other services like treating for a cold stitches, etc.   It’s public health not just STI’s.   Last when the last time I had unprotected sex was, and I told them you’ve ever taken money for sex if I’ve reuse needles for drugs, the stuff I was expecting.  She didn’t ask if I had any symptoms and I say no   Then she stepped out and says someone will be with me in a moment. 

     And a really heavy black woman comes in and she says she’ll be drawing my blood.   She has latex gloves on feels my arm till she finds a vein.   Just sticks me and draws our blood.   She then ask if I want another test and I tell her yes.  She then takes out a petri dish and a Q-tip and put the Q-tip into the end of my genitals and swirls it around. It hurts.  I don’t never wanna come back to this place never again.   Then the ask if there are any other orifices where I’ve had sexual contact.   I asked her what the hell is an orifice?   She rolls her eyes and says things like my eye, my ear, my mouth, my anus, etc.   I tell her my anus and she does the same test there.   Then she gives me this long number and says to compact in a week to get the results.   Not a telephone number like a digit number. I asked her what’s with the number?   She says I better not lose this cause there ain’t no way she’s gonna remember this number neither but that way it keeps her anonymity. Ask her what the hell that means.  Jesus says that way they won’t know who I am. That’s good.   She didn’t send me out with this really long number.   I leave not knowing what to expect in a week.