Make Me Laugh

Kuh-ch hhhhh…

Date is… Uh, hold on.

Kuh-thnk.

Kuh-ch hhhhhh…

Date is… Let’s go with May 7th. Because that feels right!

Hhhhhhhhh…

I’m gonna be honest, guys. Bein’ up in this watch tower… I haven-... hhhhhhh

I’ve been- hhhhh

I’m feelin’ kinda lonely, hahaha! Not my best, ya guys…

So to counteract that, I’ve decided to tell you listeners some of my favorite jokes! I’ll try not to fill up the rest of this tape, but you know me! I’m pretty long-winded.

Okay, let’s start with… hhhhhhhhh

Oh, I know!

Okay, if you’ve heard this one, shut up. Don’t spoil it for anyone else! Mh-mh!

So there’s this guy in his 2009 Honda Civic. He’s like thirty, subtle graying hair, girlfriendless, but dresses like he’s the shit! In his head, of course. To everyone else he’s lookin’ like the same early 2000’s office job stereotype. Gray suit, wrinkled slacks, but his hair is slick back & he has some mid-to-high-shelf scents on his collar. At least the guy’s trying!

So dude is coming home from a long day at work. It’s summer so the sun hasn’t set yet, but it’s on the way. He realizes, “Oh, shit! I need to buy groceries!” ‘cause he’s gettin’ low at home. So he takes a right off the freeway to some big name grocery mart, you know the one. Well, it’s also girl scout season!

Usually the guy absolutely dreads girl scout season! He’s the type to totally avoid eye contact, hurry his steps, treat them like an average bum on the streets, right? Well, these girl scouts know what’s up! And they are some goooood saleswomen! So these little brownies are singing songs about cookies, totally the stuff you can dance to!

One of the brownies, the littlest one, catches the dude. She says, “Hey you! Dude in the suit!”

He fumbles, he looks her way. Oh, he’s so stuck now.

“Ya wanna buy some cookies?” The middlest girl asks him with that sweet girlish face you just can’t say no to.

‘Fore he can impolitely protest in that way people think is polite, the tallest girl says, “What kind of question is that, of course he wants to buy some cookies!”

Like a kid out of a 60’s film, the littlest girl pipes up. She says, leaning in toward the man who has approached apprehensively, she whispers like it’s a secret, “These aren’t just any cookies!”

He looks nervous, but doesn’t move. He’s got his tote bag under his arm, and holds it close.

The second girl, middlest leans in, totally stealing thunder. “These are dancing cookies!”

The third girl nods along with a look of, like, “true story, bro.”

He stares at the trio, clutching his little bag to his chest. He wants to get out, so he decides he’ll throw some money at them in an attempt to get them to leave ‘im alone.

“Okay,” he says, defeated. “I’ll buy one box.”

“He’ll buy one box!” the littlest girl screams over her shoulder, as if they’re in some broadway musical warehouse & they’re the newsies barking for another stack of papers.

He jumps, and the cadets in the back toss her a box, it’s large, like a dozen doughnuts are hidden inside! She catches it effortlessly, and hands him the box. Before the man can take it, the middlest girl stops him.

“Ah, payment first,” she holds out her hand, gesturing her fingers towards her palm expectantly.

He huffs quietly and rolls his eyes. He puts his bag under his shoulder & takes out his wallet.

“How much?”

“Seven dollars,” the girl smiles cheerfully.

He sputters. He almost slams his wallet and walks off, but little-girl guilt eats at his adult heart. He gives in & hands them, reluctantly, seven dollars. The girls take his hard-earned money & sing him “Thank you!” and goodbye.

The man rushes into the grocery store and buys his items. He pays, leaves, and settles in his car. The back seat is stacked with groceries, so he sets his unwanted cookies in the passenger seat, overtop his briefcase. He huffs, and starts the car. It’s a long way home.

About 30 minutes pass & the drive is as peaceful as it can be. The freeway here has spat him on a road overlooking the coast. He’s enjoying his peace when he hears a thud.

He swerves his head to the back. No groceries have fallen.

“Huh, that’s weird,” man mutters.

He hears it again. Thud!

“What the-?”

Now he’s looking all around the cabin of his vehicle. What the heck is going on?

Another… Thud!

He looks at his passenger seat. Surely that couldn’t have come from the cookie box. That’s totally absurd!

Thud! The box springs open! And there, in the pink dozen’s box are 12 dancing cookies!

He shouts in panic & swerves the car to the leftward lane. A neighboring car blares its horn & he corrects his terrible driving.

He huffs a few times. In his panicked state, he slams the box down. He yells at the cookies, “Don’t do that again!”

He hears the murmurs of all twelve cookies, “Awwwh… Awh, man.”

He settles his breathing and keeps on driving. The girls told him they danced, but he wasn’t expecting them to be alive!

So about another 15 minutes go by. He gets bored as he rounds a corner, still coasting by the coast. He decides to turn on the radio. His favorite station - No, it’s not mine guys! Sorry to disappoint - is a local pop radio that infamously plays the best songs only on this route!

As he is singing along to a bopping song, the cookies pop up the top of the box & they start dancing!

This guy, with zero whimsy in his sad, gray adult life, tells the cookies, “I told you not to do that again!”

The cookies huff at him in comical high voices. One of ‘em even tells him, like, hey man! “What did you expect?”

Pissy gray man comes up with a warning, something to scare the cookies into being inanimate. He tells them, “If you open that box and start dancing again, I’m gonna throw you in the ocean!”

The cookies look at each other, like… “Is this guy for real?”

He glances from them & the road, dead serious.

They throw a hand his way & scoff. “Whatever, man!” They lay back down & shut the box like a blanket.

He’s singing to himself & having a nice little time. Just a few more miles till he exits and goes home! He’s already dreaming of having ice cream after dinner & watching the latest episode of that really terrible live action show sad men watch when they’re alone.

All of a sudden, the box opens back up. The cookies are restless & the song being sung is this one cookie’s JAM! All the other cookies are warning him in whispers & hushed voices, “No, Jerry, don’t do it! Don’t do it, Jerry!” But Jerry can’t help it! It’s his SONG! Jerry not only starts dancing the hardest this little cookie has ever danced in his life, but he sings his little chocolate chip heart out on top of it!

The sad gray man with thinning hair in his thirties totally loses it! He screams at the cookie, “I told you, if you started dancing again, I’d throw you in the ocean!”

Within seconds, he’s rolled down the passenger window, he picks up little Jerry & he… tosses him into the ocean!

Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

I know you can’t see my face, but it looks like that colon & capital D emoticon. Wasn’t that the funniest joke you’ve ever heard?!

Hhhhhhhhhhhh…

Radio silence, eh? Rude. I get I’m a radio host, but this is a little… lonely. Okay, whatever you guys. Not everyone has peak humor like me.

Tell you what. You didn’t like that one? Well, I got LOOOAAADS more!

Here, how ‘bout this one? Mh-mh! To set the scene…

There’s this guy. Wayyyy more handsome than that first guy. He’s in his late twenties, full head o’ hair, dark, girlfriend-ed. In fact! Almost fiancee’d. But not yet. Why, I hear you ask? Because he hasn’t yet popped the question.

Fact, he’s out there right now, picking the venue, setting the date, buying the crazy gorgeous engagement ring. Diamond the size of a thumb. Like *perfect* date, right?

Dude has chosen this beautiful, 5 star, totally out-of-budget seafood restaurant on the water. Beach at the foot of the patio, a beautiful boardwalk & pier at the side of it all. The lights are dim & extend out to the end where you can see all 20 of the stars in the light-polluted night sky!

The date he picked is tomorrow, and he has the ring in his hands. He’s checked everything out, gonna wear a suit, match with his girl, the *works.* All that’s left to do is practice.

So he’s working on his lines. He’s totally fumbling all his words, really cute, totally cringe. He decides to go for a walk. He really wants to propose to his beautiful girl on the pier. So he’s walking out, getting a workout in his thighs as he bends down & asks the dark over & over & over again, “Will you marry me? Will you marry me?”

He’s getting tired, it’s late, but he almost has the *perfect* script. He’s gonna walk her out to the pier after dinner. They’ll talk like it’s a normal date. He’s gonna tell her how much he loves her, how pretty she is, how his heart stops when she laughs, how excited it makes him when her hair’s a mess & how cute she is when she chews her pen when she studies super advanced shit a doofus like him will never understand, and how much he can’t wait for her to get her masters so she can live out her dreams. He’ll stop her, and he’ll tell her that he wants to live out her dreams by her side, supporting her no matter where life takes her.

His heart is beating at the mere thought of it all. His pits start feelin’ sweaty, and he gets on one knee, prepared to ask her the most important question of his young life.

“Will you marry me?”

He opens the box, a super expensive muscle-lookin’ shell, and he takes the ring with shaky fingers, and…

He drops it.

His heart stops as he fumbles to get it. His big, stupid man fingers are too thick, and the ring tumbles over plank after plank until… plink!

It is in the water.

High tide has risen as the stupid man rushes off the pier to retrieve it. He searches the dark water with blurry eyes. Not only was this like half of his savings, it was his whole future! Just… in the water. Gone.

He almost dives in, but thinks better of it. How would she react if he drove home & tracked soaking wet sand & seaweed into the house? Not well. So guy decides to get up early tomorrow, leave her a kiss & tell her he’s going for an early morning run.

Is it totally out of character? Definitely, but he needs to find this ring! Excuses be damned! So the next morning, he does just that.

He wakes up at the asscrack o’ dawn, kisses his woman & tells the groggy soon-to-be that he’ll be back later. He gets in his car & speeds off to the beach, praying he can retrieve the ring before some beach metal-detective can pick it up before him.

He spends the day on his hands & knees in the low tide, searching desperately for the ring with the diamond the size of a thumb.

No luck…

The sun has risen, peaked, and is now lowering. Defeat evident… he begrudgingly gives up his search. He’ll just have to search harder tomorrow… or spend the other half of his savings for a new one.

He drags himself home, takes a shower & gets ready. She doesn’t know anything about anything, so there’s no reason to fud up the date.

They show up that evening, dressed to the nine’s, to the restaurant! Everything - except for losing the ring - goes perfectly! Maybe he can propose without it!

The servers put on a show, they drink hella expensive wine, and the waiter takes their order. Man orders something simple, a seaweed salad for his nerves & some pricey fish on the side. She orders like a woman, the biggest fish on the menu! They’ll share what she doesn’t finish. If she doesn’t finish…

So some time goes by. They enjoy the other’s company, and at last, the main course is brought to them.

He picks up his fork ready to eat his salad despite an uneasy tummy, still stressing about that ring, and totally giddy to be around her. She picks up a knife & fork, ready to dig in. He stops her, and he tells her, “I love you,” with the most earnest eyes & puppy dog expression a love-stricken man can make.

She blushes with a broad smile, and echoes the same, “I love you.”

She pierces the fish, slicing through its cooked scales, and the most extraordinary, most unexpected thing happens!

There, under the flesh of the sea creature, beaming like a light from the sun itself… rises…

A dancing cookie!

Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

KLLEP!

What did I tell you?!

Best joke, or WHAT?!

Well, I don’t know about you folks, but I certainly feel better!

And with that, I will bid you all adieu. Till tomorrow, or whenever I have unrelentless thoughts next. I will hear from you all very soon - er, rather, you will all hear from me very soon! Good night!

Kuh-thnk.

16.53

Apr. 15, 2026

🌑 New Moon