Prelude to Joy

A PRELUDE TO JOY

By Carolynn McCully

Some folks would call what I am about to tell you a ‘fairy tale,’ but to me, it's more like ‘only once in a lifetime.’ A phrase, in fact, that, to this day, gives me cause to pause, just long enough to put a smile on my face, rescuing me once more from feeling overwhelmed with grief. Every time my mind goes to this magical memory, I know that there is some truth to fairy tales, the kind that changes sadness into happiness, until death do us part.

I sit alone, my heart aching, as I relive our journey together in memory. I recognize that, somewhere before we met and beyond your leaving this world, there was so much love. I finally understood that my soul knew yours before we spoke, long before we touched, and even before we kissed. Between hello and goodbye, my heart learned to believe in love so intensely that it truly entered my world, taking me to a depth of feeling beyond measure. Impossible as it seemed, I came to understand better that it was more like fate becoming the magical part of my journey.

So often I find myself in awe, wondering how such love could have been possible. Yet, I know it all began before we met, starting with a profound emotional dream experience so unusual that words cannot convey its meaning. No matter, I will give it a try in the hopes that my words can relay a fragment of what living, “happily ever after,” truly means. Admittedly, in the physical sense, the reality of the dream episode came to light when we finally met in the second half of both our life journeys.

It seemed a lifetime ago when that dream encounter took place. As I revisit this memory, I realize that my dear one was indeed the part of me I never knew was missing, and now I can’t imagine my journey ever taking place without him.

This remarkable love journey, which began in a dream, became a beacon of hope, morphing into a sign that there was more to my existence than the unhappiness that had filled me with such discontent. As a dream of things to come, it would remain in my heart and mind as a significant moment, offering a glimpse of a reality beyond what I had previously known or understood in a couple's relationship.

Later, I recall wondering if this extraordinary experience would ever reveal its true meaning, given that it had occurred at such a difficult stage in my life. My doubts were not entirely surprising, considering the feelings of entrapment embedded in such an unhappy marriage that had started early in my life, long before I was ready. Unhappiness and dissatisfaction had a firm grip on both my mind and body throughout those early years.

No matter, as the author of my own drama, I realized that life was never meant to be perfect. I had accepted the consequences of my mistakes without question, as a living reminder of the saying from an older generation: “You made your bed, now you must lie in it!” My journey was no exception to this rule. I would endure no matter the cost, although, admittedly, sometimes endurance is frayed, and one’s mind calls out in the darkness of silence for a break.

A breakthrough to a semblance of joy finally came when least expected. It arrived long past midnight in the silent plea for solace, fully expecting nothing in reply. I found myself wide awake in a state of deep emotional turmoil, feeling trapped in a life that seemed to offer no respite. Within moments after quietly ‘screaming’ into the Universe, and having just closed my eyes, something extraordinary began to unfold. My awareness shifted to an unexpected sense of marvel. A trance-like sensation slowly crept over me, and although my body remained still, I felt myself drifting, as if floating. I felt detached from this physical reality yet fully conscious and aware of what was happening.

What followed during this conscious, awakened state was finding myself somehow watching a movie, no less! Not just any movie, but one that came in such vivid colour, clarity, and detail, that it only added to my questioning mind's confusion. How can this be happening? The sheer wonder of what was taking place was enough to captivate me, even as I struggled to comprehend the reality of it all.

Within seconds, my awareness shifted into a kaleidoscope of diverted thoughts, bursting into separate segments, eyes closed yet fully conscious of the physical body, asleep and awake simultaneously. How is it that I could be sensing my own presence as if I were watching a giant screen before me? As I lay motionless in bed, a slow, rhythmic wave of energy washed over me. So natural in fact that it felt like my body was in total sync with the motion of what could only be described as living in my dream-vision.

Adding to the strangeness of it all, I had somehow sensed my life energy moving at the same running speed as what was being viewed. At that point in the dream, I was experiencing sensations that felt so natural and mentally intense that dizziness set in just from watching and feeling what was happening. Remarkably, feelings soon intensified, turning from wonder to frustration as it became apparent that no matter how determined one was, there was no catching up to the object of pursuit.

At this point, it was safe to say that the whole experience brought doubts about personal ‘sanity,’ especially finding oneself in the middle of a circular chase going nowhere. A strange predicament indeed! Filled with unfathomable curiosity while trying to figure out why and how it was possible to be a spectator, like someone watching, yet simultaneously a participant, totally embedded within the drama itself as both characters, no less!

With a mix of wonder and frustration, I deliberated how I could feel the cool, damp grass beneath my bare feet and brush against the rough bark as I circled a tree, caught up in a nonsensical chase. I felt that the whole thing was completely out of this world. Awareness turned to a racing heartbeat as a tingling sensation spread through my fingers, and I found myself holding tight to a small object in my hand. Once I shifted my focus to the object itself, it took on the shape of a flimsy, non-threatening stick no less! Not knowing how or even if I’d use it only deepened the unease of the most disturbing moment.

What followed was just as extraordinary: watching oneself separately in a vibrant, bold, bright, exaggerated scene, materializing as a cartoon with its characters running around a tree. In this panoramic vista, it turned out I was chasing a fast-moving fox, no less! Its fur glows with a surreal golden-red sheen as it darts around the tree, sometimes moving so fast that it blurs. The movement was so bizarre that it was hard to tell whether I was the one doing the chasing or the one being chased. Never, before or since, had I experienced dreams in the form of a cartoon, let alone viewing them in Technicolour!

I did not doubt that I was lying in bed, fully aware of the events unfolding before me. For a moment, I was tempted to open my eyes, thinking I must be watching TV. Would it all disappear if I did so? No, on second thought, perhaps it’s best to keep them closed, given my body position, which left me in no doubt facing the opposite direction of the television in the room. And I knew for sure that I had turned it off before crawling into bed.

At this point, had the whole scene not been so filled with bewilderment, I am sure my mouth would have dropped open in astonishment. I found myself feeling a wee bit like one of those fairy tales…, just like ‘Alice in Wonderland!’ Now, if what had taken place had been anything like a common dream, it certainly stretched the limits of understanding, and I found myself analyzing it as it unfolded. This dream-vision was turning into a moment of profound self-discovery, reinforcing the need for change in my life.

I concluded that to make the most of this unusual experience, I should maintain a persistent focus on as much detail as possible, and, of course, this self-awareness alone made the dream's manifestation even more puzzling. At that point, I recall feeling my body physically heavy in sleep mode, making it difficult to move, yet fully awake! Once completely satisfied with my state of mind, I had to concede that the situation might be spiritually specific, as the cartoon characters in the dream were somehow connected to my persona.

If dreams are considered an extension of oneself, then, admittedly, the chase scene was close to a present-day life situation, seemingly chasing something that is always just out of sight or reach. No surprise there, feeling like getting nowhere fast.

Before I knew it, there was a slightly more profound shift in the direction of the dream and my inquisitive mind. Once connected with thoughts of a possible message, a new awareness emerged, elevating the scene. Since no further explanation surfaced, there just had to be more to it than watching a lighthearted cartoon.

Strange that by simply changing my focus, thinking that there must be something else, things began to change. I became faintly aware of a pleasant sound slowly emerging into the scene. Amazingly, my whole body began to tingle at this point. What started as a mere whisper became a slow-building, beautiful yet haunting tune that seemed to drift through my senses.

This new sequence of sound was accompanied by the faint scent of blooming jasmine, filling my senses with an intoxicating sweetness in this surreal atmosphere. The inquisitive part of my mind thought, excellent, not just sound, but even my sense of smell joined in! How could it get any better than this?

Soon, the notes become crisp and clear, each one resonating with a gentle echo that lingers in the mind to this day. The soft, melodic echoes began to swell into a magnificent, vibrating sound, engulfing me in a world all its own. How incredible that this all-encompassing vibrational sound resonated as a joyful energy surging throughout my whole body.

Although not recognizing the tune, I became fully engrossed in the beguiling melody, giving myself up to the moment’s magic. I cannot express how delightful it was to experience such intense vibrational tones that both excited and soothed at once. After a prolonged period of pure joy, completely enthralled in such pleasure, a slight movement on the fringe of vision ever so gently began to materialize.

Amazing as this lovely dream journey had become, awareness of movement in the hazy form of a person slowly emerged. This human arrival was much like someone entering the scene from the depths of a heavy fog. At first, I was disappointed, as my vision was blocked, preventing me from getting a clear picture of who it might be. Although obstructed by what seemed like a gauze-like film or curtain, my heart quickened at the thought that, finally, something substantial, like a human, captured my attention. At least there was more to this vision than just me lying in my bed watching a cartoon.

From peripheral vision only, I could make out a white-haired male seemingly seated on a stool somewhat at eye level. Unable to see his height or even a clear view of his body, I was left with the distinct impression that unfathomable communication was taking place between us. Without a doubt, I understood that this mysterious human controlled the exquisite music I was experiencing. With it came a genuine sense of joyous freedom that I had never known before.

Since there was no recognition or recollection of this person, other than a peculiar sense of familiarity that entered my mind, I was left wondering at that point whether this was a foreshadowing of the future. Was it even possible to receive a foreshadowing of the future?

I had to admit to a feeling of defeat overriding my curiosity as I struggled to get a closer look at the elusive man behind the fog-like curtain. No matter how hard I tried, in this dream world, turning my head for a better look, the scene would not grow any clearer, leaving this mystery man conspicuously in my peripheral vision.

Identification would remain hazy, save for the sense of a white-haired human encircled by an energy of tenderness beyond description. I was left with the notion that he was an older, very gentle man wholly occupied with the control buttons responsible for the magnificent sound playing on the strings of my heart.

For a while, I remained captivated entirely, giving in to the music's harmony, which filled every fibre of my being. I was incapable of measuring the moments spent lost in such pleasing energy produced by such music. My feelings defied explanation, engulfed by the mystifying passion that took control. After basking in this blissful state for what seemed like hours, it was time to open my eyes, and sure enough, as I did, the vision abruptly stopped.

There was no turning back to my previous state of desperation after this enchanting fairy-tale vision took place. As the years slipped by, I would often find myself drifting back to the music and the lovely sensations. I did not matter that, despite the feelings it evoked, they would slowly fade, dissipating in that faraway place where one cannot go, but in the realm of dreams.

Strangely enough, it did not dissipate, and through the rough years ahead, I came to see it as a whimsical, joy-filled experience that continually brought a sense of satisfaction to the elusive self. Someday, perhaps over time, it would enter my physical realm, and I would feel those elusive sensations for real. This dream dance of passion would be safely tucked away as a cherished experience to hold dear. For many years, I continued a silent cry of desperation, to a lessening degree, wondering if I would ever again experience such intensity of absolute joy in my life.

Through many regrettable periods in my early life, I held on to the hope that this dream was a sign of better days ahead. During those earlier years, recalling this dream brought a touch of cheerful exuberance, along with all the happiness in my heart for my children. However, someday, somehow, I knew this kind of pleasure and joy would become a reality beyond the realm of dreams.

Shortly after my marriage ended, some years after my dream-vision, I found myself facing the literal ‘man of my dreams.’ I had met up with him twice over the period of two years. The first time was at a singles dance, by chance hearing his daughter saying, “Dad, look, over there, that is Ellen’s mom.” As he walked over to ask me for a dance, I felt a most peculiar sensation, as if once more peering in a fog, not quite recognizing what it was other than a nudging in my mind to welcome the dance.

As he reached for my hand to take me to the dance floor, a strange energy shot through my arm, much like a deep, warm trembling that only grew stronger, enveloping my whole body as we danced. I thought at the time I must be coming down with something. Perhaps the flu! As it turned out, the timing was not yet ready for what would eventually take place between us.

It seems that the timing was not yet right, as there was still some more learning to complete before ‘happily ever after’ would fully enter my world. Now, the second time we met up, the timing was spot on, and the magic of it all slowly took form. The reality of it all took hold when I found myself sitting in a chair beside the stereo, where this dear man of my dreams was fiddling to get the tape going. It was at his place, and how I got there was a story in itself.

We will leave that story for another time. It was an adventure in itself. Other than that, I found myself watching him put in a tape, and after fiddling with a few knobs on the stereo, music came and filled my heart and soul with a sound that began a life dance that would go beyond life itself. It was indeed the music of my dream.

Other than my dream, I had never heard it before, but there it was. I became lost in the melody and the sensations it once more evoked. The dear sweet man of my dreams knelt beside the chair I was sitting in and asked me if I would like to stay over. I looked at his adoring face and, without any hesitation, said yes.

From that moment on, we were together, living out a dream of “happily ever after,” that continued until ‘death do us part.’ What had previously been intangible arrived and was recognized as the dream person, as demonstrated by the passion-filled energy and music that accompanied him. Most astonishing of all, life mirrored the dream’s sequence. However, in truth, it unfolded with even greater meaning and beauty over a twenty-eight-year period, proving that dreams really do come true and, yes, dear readers, more than I could have ever dreamed. I found joy in the knowledge that no matter when happiness arrives, it comes at the exact time you are ready for it to arrive.