Faded And Torn

  It’s been ten years since I graduated from high school, but I was attending community college to get the first two years of my degree out of the way for less than it cost to start at Ohio State, so I was still living at home. My father and I had our falling out in my junior year at OSU and by that time I was living in an apartment nearby campus with three other girls and that was eight years ago. Eight years. God. It was at that time that I found myself pregnant. When I told mom and dad, they were very supportive and promised to do all they could for me and the baby. Only, I wasn’t sure that I could go through with having a baby, especially with me being so young and still in school. Dad said that there were plenty of couples willing to adopt my child if I decided not to keep it, but that wasn’t what I had in mind. Anyway, things went from bad to worse from there and I left after dad said he’d never forgive me if I went through with it. I said that I didn’t care if he forgave me or not and that it was my life and my decision. He said it was as if he never really knew me, all of the color drained from his face, shock and disappointment contending with one another in his expression.

Mom called me three days ago and said that dad was ill, that he desperately wanted to see me. It was the way that she said my name that I knew that it was serious.

“Hailey.” There was a flatness to her voice then a long pause. “It’s your dad. You need to come home. Come see him before…”

I pulled into their driveway and I felt as if I might throw up. I had to take a moment to pull myself together. Mom, didn’t say what was wrong with dad, only that I needed to see him, that it needed to happen soon before it was too late and it wouldn’t matter anymore. She couldn’t bring herself to talk about it further over the phone and no matter how much I pressed her she wouldn’t budge. Mom could be so odd at times, I swear.

Before I could knock the front door opened and mom pulled me inside and hugged me so hard I thought my spine would pop out of my back. I happened to glance at an old family photograph hanging on the wall in front of me next to the staircase. In it was me, mom dad and my brother Dylan. Yeah, I had a brother. He drowned when he was nine and I was seven. We were on vacation at Lake Erie at Presque Isle State Park. Dylan had asthma and on the last day before we were to head home we went swimming. No big deal, we’d been doing just that practically everyday since we got there only, that day as he and I were diving to see how deep we could go he must have had an episode, because after I popped my head to the surface, he never did. I looked all over for him, but didn’t see him until it was too late. He was floating some distance away, face down. I blamed myself for quite some time even though my parents told me often that it wasn’t my fault and that they loved me no matter what.

Sorry I got side tracked there for a moment. It’s still hard to talk about. Anyway, mom took me into the living room where dad sat in his easy chair watching a football game.

“Keith, honey. Look who’s here,” mom said as she went over to him and rested a hand on his shoulder.

My dad looked questioningly at my mom, and she pointed at me as I sat down on the sofa across from him. He looked over at me and smiled warmly. I couldn’t believe it. I smiled back, my hands clasped tightly in my lap. Now what? I thought to myself. All these years and it comes down to a smile.

“Hi there, he said.

“Hi dad. It’s been a while.”

Dad’s brow scrunched a bit as he tilted his head slightly. Then he looked at me as if I had just appeared out of thin air before turning his attention back to the football game on TV.

“He has his good days and bad days,” said mom waving a hand in front of her face to ward off the tears.

“Mom, what’s going on? What’s wrong–

“Hailey why don’t you help me in the kitchen. I was just about to make your dad some lunch.”

I followed her in her wake and once we were out of earshot of dad, she turned to me and grabbed my hands and held them tightly between us. “Your dad. You see, he’s not as sharp as he used to be and-

“Not as sharp as he used to be? Mom it’s like he didn’t even know me. And the way he looked at me like I was a ghost or something. What’s wrong with him? Why is he like that?” I couldn’t keep the tremble in my voice at bay. I was about to lose it.

“Lower your voice, hon. Your father has been in a mental decline for a few years now. I he gave in and went to the doctors and- and” she sighed as if it were her last breath, turned away to compose herself. “It’s Alzheimer’s. He’s fading away, Hailey. At first it was gradual, a forgotten appointment, a lost moment of a few seconds, but then he was back, but now? It’s like I said, he has his good days and bad days, but the bad days are starting to win out. I had to call you, get you to come over.”

“Why didn’t you call me sooner, mom? Why not tell me on the phone what’s going on? Why wait until now, now that he’s nearly gone?”

My voice broke and I wept as if I had been holding back tears for a life time.

“I wanted to tell you, but your dad forbade it. He was so hurt and angry about the way things went between the two of you. He mourned the loss of your baby, almost like he was mourning the loss of your brother all over again.”

“Mom I don’t want to talk about that, I-

“I know, I know. Anyway, I respected your dad’s wishes up until now, but I just couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t tell you over the phone, I just couldn’t. Look, when he’s having a good day, he would remember you. I’m sure of it. You both need closure, you need to forgive one another. Before it’s too late, before he disappears for good and there’s nothing left of him.”

That shook me to the core. I went over to the sink turned on the faucet and splashed some water on my face. Mom handed me a couple of paper towels when I was done and after I dried myself, I stared at the small hallway that led to the living room. I took a deep breath and let it out then walked into the living room. Dad was asleep, his head resting crookedly on his right shoulder.

He stirred a bit before opening his eyes. He looked up at me and his eyes went wide as he sat up. “Hailey?”

“Yes dad, it’s me.”

“Did you do well on your exams this semester?”

“My exams? No dad. I’m not in college anymore. I graduated.”

He looked at me as if I ‘d spoken a language he didn’t understand, then looked over at mom.

“Lisa, we should invite your friend to have lunch with us.”

“I’m sorry. So sorry, dad.” Mom took me in her arms and we both wept.