Still Here. But How?

(July 22nd, 2018)

I heard a ton of loud buzzes from my phone and opened my eyes. I rolled over and checked the time 1:34 am. I had to check these texts, they must be important. Blake texted me, “I love you, I’m sorry.” I texted back and called about a million times. I can’t stop thinking my heart is racing and I call his mom and she doesn’t answer. I call his dad and he doesn’t answer either. I run out of my house, grab my bike, and speed off to Blake’s house. It’s about a 10 minute bike ride. I continue to spam all of their phones until I get to his house. I get there at 1:45, throw my bike down and run to the door. I scream as soon as I get to the door. I bang on the door as hard as I can. I think and think and finally I remembered the code to his house. 1134. I get in and his mom runs out of her room in a bathroom. 

“Meghan what happened why are you here right now?’ 

“Blake, Blake, Where is Blake?”

I run to his room, he's not there. I ran to his bathroom. He isn't there either. I run to the bathroom downstairs and he isn't there either so I run to the basement where I see my lover. Hanging. Soulless. From the garage door. Dead. He’s dead.

I remember it like it was yesterday. The worst day of my life. The worst birthday of my life. I thought he was my future. How can I picture my life without him? These thoughts flood my head every single day as I cry myself to sleep. 

His funeral was the second worst day of my life. I walked up to his casket with blurry vision from all my tears and just stared. This doesn’t even look like my Blake. He looks pale and unhappy. He died unhappy. How how does a 15 year old girl handle her boyfriend suicide. 

Months pass and it just doesn’t get any easier. My antidepressants just make me feel numb. I’m sick of hearing my therapist tell me things get better over and over when they just clearly don’t. 

Finally a year passes by. 1 whole year without my best friend/ boyfriend. My sweet 16. I was supposed to have a big party and have him wear the same color as me and we would look so cute, canceled. This was supposed to be our year, he would be turning 17 and could finally drive me around. We were so happy. Or at least I thought we were. I talk to his mom on a daily basis. The only thing I asked her for my birthday was to allow me to sleep over and stay in his room for the day. She said yes of course. 

I got to his house and nothing has been moved or touched since that very night. It’s almost spooky. I feel something under my back as Iie down. A journal. The front cover says “FOR MEGHAN ONLY” I start reading.

(November 2nd, 2015) 

I asked her out. The prettiest girl in school I finally asked her out. SHE SAID YES! I can already tell it is going to be Meghan and Blake forever, or Blake and Meghan forever I can’t tell which sounds best. I’ll update you tomorrow I’m going to hold Meghan’s hand at school and give her a hug. 

(November 3rd, 2015) 

I hugged Meghan today. It was like an instant spark, a connection if you will. I think I love her already. 

(December 24th, 2015)

Meghan came over for Christmas today and met the rest of my family. They all loved her and grandma even said she “Is as polite as a church girl and sweet as pie.”  Whatever that means she loves her. Grandma’s opinion is the only one that is ever going to count when I marry someone so we are starting off amazing. 

(February 22nd, 2016) 

I kissed her. I finally did it. I have been waiting so long to kiss her. I feel amazing.

(July 22nd, 2016)

For our one year I took Meghan to my favorite spot at the lake. I brought a blanket and a basket and we ate dinner together. It was so romantic. I mean as romantic as peanut butter and jelly can get.  Mom and Dad are out of town and I can’t cook for the life of me. 

(September 1st, 2016) 

It’s the first day of 6th grade and I think Meghan is kind of mad at me. Or she just got her first period. I can’t really tell. I don’t understand women at all. All I know is she looked gorgeous in the dress she wore today. 

(December 24th, 2016) 

Another good Christmas together. P.S grandma told me to marry Meghan so, that’s the plan. 

(July 22nd, 2017) 

2 years together. WOOHOO. This time I took her for a real date. Dad gave me his credit card and Mom dropped us off at The Cheesecake Factory. Meghan’s favorite place. I made sure to open and shut the car door and restaurant door for her. And I let her order for herself because I know she wants women to be equal and I agree. She is so inspirational and powerful. She is going to be such a good wife and mom one day. I can’t wait. 

(June 14th, 2018)

It’s been awhile since I wrote in this. Grandma died yesterday. I don’t know how to live without her. I am so hurt I don't want to do anything anymore. I can’t handle this.

(June 16th, 2018) 

Meghan came to the funeral with me. I needed that. I love that she is always there for me. She has no idea how much she means to me. I look into her eyes and she gives me a reason to stay alive.

(June 30th, 2018) 

Meghan is still on vacation with her family and I am just so upset all the time over grandma I don’t know what to do. Last night I cut my wrist and it felt kinda good. 

(July 14th, 2018) 

Meghan got back today. She noticed my wrist but I told her I fell off my bike but I don’t think she believed it. I just feel so weak I don’t know how to tell her. I feel like the only way to fix my feelings is death but I don’t want Meghan to ever feel the way I did. So I am pushing through for her. 

(July 20th, 2018)

I tried to overdose today on Advil but it didn’t work. It just made me throw up and feel sick. I told my mom and Meghan I just have a small stomach bug. 

(July 21st, 2018)

I can’t do this anymore. It is 11:33pm and I need to die. I want to die. I can’t control these feelings anymore, I just can’t. 

I’m still up and it’s 1:30 am. I found a rope in the garage. I am ending this pain now. I just texted Meghan and told her I love her. This is it goodbye. 

Meghan, if you're reading this I am so sorry. I hope you know I am happier now than I was. Don’t be upset please I want you to grow up and be an amazing wife and mom. I’ll be at your wedding watching your own making sure everything goes perfect. Somehow someway I will make it known to you that I am there. Until we meet again. I love you.

I closed the journal with tears rolling down my face. I can’t stop thinking about those cuts. I should’ve known. If only I just didn;t go on vacation, he needed me and I wasn’t there for him when I should have been. This is all my fau- I get a call from a blocked number. 

“Hello”

“Hello. Is this Meghan?”

“Um yes this is who is asking?”

“Come outside of Blake’s house right now”

“UH-WHA-”

They hung up. I threw the journal aside and dialled 911 just in case anything happens. I tiptoe down the stairs in hopes that nobody hears me. I quietly shut off the alarms and opened the front door. There he is. It’s Blake standing in front of me. There in the middle of the streets. Blake Woodlock. Smiling. Breathing. Alive.