The 4am Overthinker

And so ramen was made at 4am- not the good kind that is served in small shops around Japan, but the kind that comes to life in about 4 minutes in the nuke machine. Add the seasoning packet, a splash of white distilled vinegar, black pepper, and many dashes of Trappeys Louisiana hot sauce, and bam you have a delicious meal. Why am I having a college student's favorite meal at 4am? Because I quit smoking the marijuana and caught a case of insomnia, and a little cold. This is the third night in a row not being able to fall asleep and I'm not as tired as you'd think I'd be. I'm actually starting to like it- being awake when the rest of the world is asleep, well not the entire world but like this hemisphere, which feels like the whole world when it's all I've ever known. I want to travel, have good ramen with the Japanese, slurping my way through the oishi broth, drinking a biru that is simply the best, because everything the Japanese do is simply the best. So yeah, obviously I'm obsessed with all things Japan; been learning the language far too long for how little I know, watching travel vloggers explore Japan, just dreaming of the day I step foot in the land of the rising sun. Some magical magnetic force is pulling me there, surely that's why I chose to learn Japanese over the much more useful languages for my area- Spanish, or even French, but no I chose the most difficult option that nobody around my small town speaks, making it far more more difficult to learn the speaking and listening aspects. Do I romanticize Japan? Yes, obviously but can you blame me? Growing up in a very white town that has no culture, of course I'm going to romanticize a country that is all culture and tradition.

But here I am, slurping shitty ramen while I watch game shows- yes game shows, just like your grandma. What can I say? I like em, they're easy to watch and don't require me to follow a storyline, every episode is its own storyline, and a predictably structured one at that, with a witty host who was probably a failed comedian. Just my type, witty, available and almost funny. Some people watch crime docs, or fictional murder investigations, or even anime as comfort shows but I watch the game show channel to comfort my lonely soul. Don't tell anyone, but I do like reality tv, unfortunately most of them kill brain cells with their stupidity. Game shows make you think and challenge you, while still feeling the human connection we all crave and often look for within reality shows.

Speaking of human connection- I can hear my partner turning over in our bed, letting out a little moan as he readjusts to get comfortable again. He has no problems sleeping, he can sleep anywhere at any time, even falls asleep at 7:30pm sometimes and will sleep all night until his alarm sounds at 6am. I don't understand how he does this. If I fall asleep that early, I will no doubt be wide awake at 2 or 3am, incapable of falling back to sleep until 7am when my alarms used to sound off.

Used to, as in I'm unemployed currently, which turned out to be divine timing. Gave up weed, then got let go just in time to get sick with your common cold and flu symptoms, and to develop a case of withdrawal- insomnia, increased irritability, the sweats and the chills. So hey, at least I don't have to get up at a certain time to be late to a soul-sucking job that'll stress me out for no good reason and have to survive on little to no sleep. Really, divine timing, thanks universe- really saved me there. What will I do now? Enjoy my unplanned staycation, catch up on the new season of Queer Eye, and stay up all night- eating ramen. But really, these bills don't pay themselves, what will I do? The obvious answer is to find another job, but you don't get it, I'm very picky. I'm more picky about where I go to spend 8 hours almost everyday than I am with food or even my partners. Because seriously, if I'm going to spend half of my waking hours somewhere, I need to be at least a little happy. And I know what you're thinking- didn't they just say their job was soul-sucking? Why yes, yes I did, but it wasn't always like that and I still had days that would give me hope that it could be fun and worthwhile again. I loved my job, I got to connect with all sorts of people, make them delicious food and smoothies, while being able to challenge myself to make fun desserts and unique soups that nobody has ever heard of before. And as somebody who has never been an avid soup consumer, it was a pretty tantalizing, yet rewarding challenge. The day I got fired I had been planning a new soup to make the next day, an eggplant soup, something I wasn't sure would turn out good but I was quite excited to give it my all. It's a-okay though, I'm not bitter or upset at all, haha, fooled ya, I totally am. Ultimately I know it's for the best and really, I can't wait to see what the universe brings me next. I just really wanted to make that eggplant soup. And yeah, I could buy some eggplants and make the soup at home but it's not the same as making it for my regulars, the avid soup consumers. I do miss them, I really connected with some of them- I knew their names and they knew mine, it was really quite special.

The connection we share with others, even strangers, can be life changing. There was one guy I met one night at a bar many years ago and I swear he could read me like a novel and told me things I really needed to hear at that time in my life. His name was Lucas. I was at a dinky little dive bar named the Westside bar, because it was on the west side of town, with my sober friend Bee and one of her friends whose name I forget. Why was my sober friend at a bar? She liked to socialize and found it easiest with drunk people; I, on the other hand, could barely socialize to save my life. After a couple hours, a couple jack and cokes; yes, jack and coke was the drink of choice for the young and inexperienced 22 year old me- we paid our tab and went to leave when the bar was about to close at 2am. We were standing outside, talking with the last few drunks still staggering around and the way too hot bartender who just finished closing up. And here comes Lucas, walking directly to me, he introduces himself and while holding the top of my shoulders, tells me all the things I had ever craved to hear. That I was amazing, that I was going to make a huge difference in the world, that just my presence made a difference in the world. And to clarify, I had spent most of my teenage years suicidal and in complete hatred of myself. So for this man, who was a complete stranger and no doubt drunk or high, to tell me such beautiful, kind words when he didn't know me even a little bit, made me feel seen, like I actually mattered and could achieve everything I wanted out of life. And this conversation was not short, we stood there in the cold, full eye contact, him holding my shoulders, for what felt like 45 minutes, with the deepest intention to make sure I fully understood how much he saw within me. I could never forget him, he made such a lasting impact on me that night, even if I couldn't believe him fully, the memory still fills my heart with so much love and warmth. All I want is to be able to do that for those around me- to be able to make others feel seen, loved, worthy and capable of everything they desire, all through a bowl of steaming soup. Or even a bowl of 4am ramen.