Love Potion #9

Talk about dating disasters, Mia could already picture the clickbait headline:

Man Found Inside Woman’s Apartment After Tinder Date Takes Dark Turn

She rubbed her temples in slow circular motions as she tried to ignore the relentless, panicked thuds and muffled cries coming from the other room.

Despite it being one of those bitterly cold winter nights, tiny beads of perspiration gathered on Mia’s forehead as she stared intently at her laptop screen.

Out of pure desperation (and maybe a touch of curiosity), she’d resorted to Reddit, making sure to keep her post as vague and unincriminating as possible. Most of the suggestions were useless to her little predicament, like couples’ counselling (yeah, right), and crude jokes about sexual favours—which, funnily enough, was how she’d got herself into this tricky mess in the first place.

Snow drifted down, slow and silent outside her window, as Mia tried to recall the precise moment things had gone awry.

It had been close to midnight when he had knocked on her door. He happened to be out at a pub down the road when she had swiped right on his profile—she happened to be alone and in need of a warm body in her bed.

At first, it was innocent, fun, and he had sworn he was into it. But then he freaked out, shouting for her to stop, and before she knew what she was doing, she’d bolted out of the room and slammed the door behind her. Three hours later, he was still tied to her bed like a hostage, and a simple apology wasn’t going to cut it. He’d already accused her of being a ‘psycho’. If she set him free, how could she be sure he wouldn’t go to the cops and report her for kidnapping?

Or worse, post it all over social media.

As she was about to give up on Reddit, a comment caught her attention. Someone suggested “love potions” and left a website link: grannymagik.com. Mia raised an eyebrow as she scoured the site.

“People really buy this crap?” she scoffed, reading over recipes for 'banishment' spells and ‘truth serums’. Still, she was willing to put aside her scepticism to avoid becoming a salacious headline.

Evidently, other ‘options’ had crossed her mind, messier ones. But she couldn’t do it; he was much too pretty, it would be such a waste.

Scrolling through the list of spells while she chewed on her bottom lip like a piece of gum, she stopped at one that sounded the most intriguing. Love potion #9 was a home remedy which promised to “bring back passion and ensure eternal, everlasting love.”

An idea formed in her mind. If he fell in love, maybe he would forgive her for keeping him bound and gagged like a prisoner. It was worth a try. Plus, she liked the sound of bringing back passion; maybe then he’d be open to finishing what they’d started.

The potion consisted of nine ounces of everyday ingredients—vanilla extract, apple seeds, ginger, red wine, basil, and strawberry juice.

Outside, the snow continued to fall as persistently and relentlessly as the muffled cries and stifled whimpers coming from inside her apartment. Worried about her thin walls and nosy neighbours, Mia scrambled to the kitchen to gather the items and whispered a quick prayer for her plan to work.

Luckily, she kept a well-stocked pantry and found everything she needed. The basil had seen better days, and the red wine had been sitting open in her fridge for a few weeks—but it would have to do.

Mia added the ingredients one by one to a boiling pot, stirring the bubbling mixture for nine minutes. Channelling her inner Nicole Kidman in Practical Magic, she repeated the chant as per the instructions:

“Let the one who drinks this wine shower me with love, divine.

Love potion #9 let their love be forever mine.”

When the ridiculous ritual was over, and the potion had cooled, she stuck her finger in to test—it tasted like a sour strawberry daiquiri. Mia strongly suspected that she’d been duped by Granny Magik.

She poured the sticky concoction into two shot glasses to make it look less suspicious and braced herself as she entered her dimly lit bedroom, where her date was huddled in one corner of the bed, wearing only his underpants. His hands were tied to the bedpost, and one of her socks was stuffed in his mouth. Mia noticed the bright red scratches on his back; it looked like he’d been attacked by a ferocious animal. Maybe she had taken it a bit too far, she thought guiltily.

“Hi Jo,” Mia approached him cautiously with a friendly smile, as if to prove she was not a serial killer.

Jo looked at her with a mix of hatred and fear.

“Here, I’ve brought you something to drink. You must be thirsty!” She held up the shot glasses in her hand. “I’m going to remove the sock now, but you need to promise you won’t scream, ok?”

Jo nodded his head enthusiastically, and Mia carefully pulled out the spit-soaked sock.

“Listen, you crazy psycho, untie me now, this isn’t funny anymore—"

“Of course, Jo, let’s just have a drink together first,” she brought the glass to him as he eyed it suspiciously.

“What the hell is this? I need water.”

“I thought you could do with something sweet, you know, give you some energy.” She took a sip from her own glass to demonstrate that it was safe. “Yummy!” she said. “Here, drink up,” she brought the glass to his lips, held his head back and poured the red liquid down his throat.

“There’s a good boy.”

***

They lay in her bed with their legs intertwined, her head resting on his chest, while Jo lovingly tickled her up and down her back. His hands were soft, his body warm, and he smelled of sleep and faded aftershave. She looked up at him, staring into blue eyes so pale they were almost silver, framed by the kind of long dark lashes most women would spend good money on. With a body sculpted like an Adonis, Jo was by far the most beautiful man she’d ever met, and he was completely infatuated with her.

There was just one little problem. She absolutely loathed him.

It had been three weeks since they had drunk the cool aid, so to speak, and Jo was like a devoted, lovesick puppy. He would have happily held her hand while she sat on the toilet if she let him. It was love bombing on steroids.

At first, it was flattering to be doted on like a goddess, but it quickly became stifling. He agreed with her on everything and liked everything she liked, which eventually became boring and rather irritating. It was as if the potion had stripped him of a personality, and Mia had reached the point where everything he did just gave her the ick.

Breaking up with him hadn’t worked, even though she had tried countless times. But he always came back acting like nothing had ever happened. Of course, she’d thought of searching for an antidote, but when she went back to the website, surprise, surprise, the page was no longer available.

She had even scrutinised the instructions for a way to reverse the spell. Mia had never been a read-the-fine-print kind of person, but sure enough, it was clearly written in small but legible font: Spell is non-refundable and irreversible. Use wisely.

Eventually, Mia concluded that she had no other choice but to do what she should have done in the first place.

She wriggled herself out of Jo’s arms and slid off the bed.

“Where are you going, my love?” he asked in that sickly sweet tone that made her stomach turn.

“Just to make us coffee, I’ll be right back,” she said through gritted teeth as she pulled on some pants.

“Ok,” he gave her a pout, “but don’t be too long or I’ll miss you,” he blew her a kiss, and she could feel the bile rising in her throat.

Ick, ick, ick.

As she waited for the coffee to brew, she carefully crushed the pills between two spoons. She had checked the dosage and got a bit extra, not wanting to take any more chances. She stirred through the powder, making sure it was completely dissolved before walking back to the bedroom.

“Here you go,” she faked a smile and handed him the mug.

“Thank you, my love! I am the luckiest man alive to be with the most wonderful, sweet, angel—

“You know what, babe?” Mia cut him off impatiently, “Let’s hurry up and drink our coffees so that we can get to that farmer's market before the snow gets too heavy.” Anything to make him drink up so that she didn’t have to spend one more nauseating minute with him.

She sipped her coffee while Jo obediently took big gulps of his. When he was done, she watched his eyelids droop until they eventually closed. Mia approached him carefully to check his pulse—it was slow, but he was still very much alive. She seized the opportunity to jump in the shower while the pills took effect.

Fresh from her shower, Mia peeked into the bedroom to check on her beguiled victim, only to find him sitting up in bed, stretching his arms like he’d risen from the best nap of his life.

“Sorry honey, I must have dozed off,” he yawned.

What in the Hocus Pocus was going on? Mia could feel the prickle of panic in her chest. Had Jo turned into some kind of immortal, otherworldly creature? Was she really going to be tethered to this guy until the end of her days?

Then, a sudden spark of inspiration struck her like a wizard’s wand, and she knew exactly how to get rid of Jo once and for all.

***

“Morning! How are you feeling today?” the nurse said cheerfully, entering the room carrying a tray of tea and biscuits.

Mia attempted a smile but winced as the deep split on her lip reopened. She dabbed at it with her hand, wiping away fresh blood. It was taking forever to heal.

“Oh, you poor darling,” the nurse fussed, fluffing her pillow and helping her sit up so she could drink her tea. “Just so terrible what that man did. There are some truly sick people out there,” she said, gently patting Mia's hand.

“I’m just grateful to be alive,” Mia said, keeping her voice low and putting on her best wounded act.

“Well, I don’t know if you’ve seen, but it’s all over social media. People are horrified. Thank goodness he’s behind bars now.”

As soon as she was alone again, Mia grabbed her phone, ignoring the dozens of messages from well-meaning friends and family, and opened her browser. Sure enough, the story had gone viral.

A slow smile played on her cracked, bloody lips as she read one of the headlines:

Tinder Date from Hell: Woman found Chained and Gagged in her own Apartment by Love-Crazed Lunatic.