God Gives Head Starts

Trigger Warning: Mentions of violence, suicide, and sexual abuse

"But why Mama!" Trey's fury was only being wavered by his tears. "How you gon' keep that from me! You know that ain't right, thats selfish Mama!" Trey's anguish blocked out the loud roars of thunder.

Tammy didn't know where to begin with her response. Should she justify or capitulate to her son's rage? Should she re-establish her authority or give into that overwhelming feeling of guilt? For the time being she decided on evasiveness, "I didn't know Trey, I didn't know that it would turn out like this."

The tears overtook the anger and Trey began to sob. Internally he knew his vulnerability would cost him leverage, the last thing he wanted from Mama was sympathy or consoling yet he also knew he depended on it in that moment. Mama's embrace calmed his nerves and the downpour of rain helped him gather his thoughts. In the meantime Tammy had finally decided on how she will mend her son's outburst.

"Trey, I was fast and young. When my grandmother died I ain't have no nothing. I didn't have no schooling or a place to stay. I ain't even found God or nothing that looked like him. When I had you I knew I needed some good. Your father had sense and good. He had that good in his heart that you got now. He always knew you wasn't his, but it didn't make no never mind when it came to him raising you. He loved you like no love I ever seen before. It was that type of love that you needed to survive in the Bottoms. Now I know you upset wit' me but don't take it out on yo daddy. He only did right by you and I ain't gonna let no wicked thoughts run around yo' head about the typa of man he was." Tammy talked with the same regard she always talked with. She decided a long time ago she was done with tears and didn't plan on making an exception here. Regardless, she was still flustered while speaking to Trey and used the downpour as a metronome to pace her words.

By the time Mama was done talking Trey's anger got refurbished with confusion. His psyche was overwhelmed by the amount of questions he had for Mama now that she had told him this confusing truth. He wanted to know what happened to his biological father. He was desperate to know if there was any other lies which he should know about. He was also curious about the depth of this conspiracy, did everyone know but him? He relinquished himself from Mama's warmth and looked outside at Daddy's old car. Daddy was a fair and modest man but his 74 Ford Maverick was a rare expression of pride (besides Trey and Jesse). Trey remembers distinctly that Daddy use to make him clean the blue and white stallion immediately after it rained. "God giving us a head start on cleaning, thats all son! Gabriel still had to learn how to blow that horn!" To Trey, these memories became tampered, he thought of them as hideous orchestrated lies.

"But why are you telling me all this now Mama? Why couldn't you tell me while Daddy was still with us? How you gon put that on me when my heart already heavy? He was my whole world and you gon' tell me he ain't even my real daddy? And that my real daddy the reason Jesse got killed? What Im 'spose to make of that Mama?" The fury began to resurface, especially when he thought of his little brother. Since the day it happened he thought the cause of his brother's death was stray bullet. Even the police said it, so he thought it had to be true. He was devastated to learn that his biological father had ran into Jesse right off 94th and while ranting in a drunken frenzy accidentally shot Trey's little brother.

"If you knew he did that to Jesse why didn't you say nothing?" Trey focused his gaze on the rain hitting the Maverick to distract the tears forming.

"I didn't know for sure at the time. It wasn't until the damn fool accidentally shot someone else and then intentionally shot himself that I knew. By that point I figured the truth wasn't worth the pain that came wit it. I had already seen how much you missed Jesse and how much you needed your Daddy. I reckoned there wasn't no good in telling you some mess like that." Tammy had been incredibly precise with her words and physicality. She saw them forming all over. She saw the clouds of wickedness around Trey and she thought it was her duty to dissipate them. Even if it meant being economical with the truth.

"Look son, how this all happened wasn't none of it right, even the blind can see that. But that's how God must be sometimes. Sometimes God gotta get a head start on our suffering to make us appreciate. Sometimes we gotta get rained on to remind ourselves to bathe. That don't make the rain nice." She could tell Trey's fury still persisted.

"I ain't tryna hear that right now Mama." As Trey talked the rain got harsher.

"My whole life you been making decisions for me because you scared of how Im gonna react if I face the truth. You did the same thing when you told me I couldn't go to Grambling. Even then I knew it was just becuz yall couldn't afford it. But you tried to dress the lie up and justify it with some sense. How you gonna talk about what God got to say when you to busy tryna impersonate him." Trey turned back to his mother. He leaned into his frame, he positioned himself in an attempt to overwhelm her.

"Trey now you kno-," Trey cut in sharply with even more aggression that seemed to match the uptick in rain.

"I don't know nothing, now tell me how many people knew who my real Daddy was?" His question was met with resolute silence. Tammy used the silence to establish control. She ruffed to be barricaded by Trey's anger.

"Trey, baby I know I made a mistake, but I wasn't alone in making it. Your daddy always wanted to tell you but every time he would try something would prevent him. He was scared of how you and Jesse might react and how that might make him feel. Even right up to his transition he was to scared. Scared of how the truth might hurt you. I get you upset but I'm not gonna let you talk down to me like I don't know. I was the only person to see your father weep." Tammy felt Trey's presence, it emanated and wafted through the room and filled it up with hate. She knew he was listening but not processing.

"You still ain't answer my question, Ma." The remnants of tears had completely vanished from Trey's demeanor.

"I want to know who else knew before me." He said sternly

"Ya blood daddy and his peoples always knew, and Revered Harris knew cuz he basically kin to ya daddy." Tammy hesitated while talking, she knew she was being brought closer to the comprehensive whole truth.

"So what was my real daddy's name?" Trey barked

"Sean Leonard." Tammy felt as though Trey already knew. But she hoped, she foolishly hoped, he hadn't.

"But Mama I remember you telling me I got blood through that name. That Sean Leonard is an Uncle of mine or something." Tammy could no longer keep her composure. When Trey uttered that truth, that vile, disgusting, absolute truth she lost it. Tammy felt heavy, for the first time in the long time she felt like she didn't have a voice. She couldn't hear. Everything is so hot, she thought. She barged past Trey to the sink. She guzzled down water. She still felt heavy. Suddenly she felt as though she was drowning. The rain would drown her. This was comeuppance, she thought. She remembered the despair of it all. She remembered the immense shame. She remembered the burden of rearing a baby like that. She remembered his touch, and her Grandmother's apathy. For so long she had buried the reality of it deep inside of her and had swore it off with tears. Now she could only hear the rain, it was so soft, she thought.

Trey lingered, he had never seen his mother like this. He had never seen her so desperate or vulnerable. He prodded, and screamed, and asked, and then realized. He remembered that Leonard is his mother's maiden name and he finally realized who his father is and what had happened. He held onto Mama tight. He didn't know what to do with her pain or his confusion. He didn't want to process the reality, the implications, or the basis of this truth. He just sat clenched to his sobbing mother on the kitchen floor listening to the rain.

When he woke up to Mama's voice he was shocked. He immediately pounced from the kitchen floor to hug Mama. He pleaded for forgiveness, drowned her with reassurance, and emphasized his love for her. Tammy seemed unfazed.

She simply went to the cabinet grabbed two sponges and ammonia. "Cmon now boy." She said, "God done gave us a head start but we still gotta wash your daddy's car."