12th Anniversary

When Hadi awoke, it was to the sound of pained coughing and rasping lungs struggling to breathe. His first thought, like most mornings, was of Lucia. In the dark of the predawn light he could see her, half leaned out of bed and reaching for her nightstand drawer, though her shoulders wracked with the force of her hacking.

Hadi threw the blankets to the side and scrambled over the bed towards her. One hand found her shoulder to keep her from falling while the other flung open the drawer she had been reaching for. Dozens of small bottles inside jangled together with the force of it, as he grabbed the closest he could see with only the faintest light to guide him.

“Here- I’ve got it.” Hadi he pressed the bottle into her palm. Her shoulders were shuddering violently, her coughing fit growing more and more intense with each passing second, but she had a practised ease with which she popped the cap off and swallowed the bitter smelling liquid inside. “Easy love, focus on your breathing.” He soothed, keeping her sitting up as she worked through the last of her coughing fit.

Absentmindedly he slipped the empty bottle from her and set it back on the table. He shifting to sit on the edge of the bed, his wife pulled into his arms as her breathing, slowly, began to steady.

It wasn’t the first time that Hadi had been woken by one of Lucia’s coughing fits. Or the second, or the third. Most mornings started similarly, it had been months since Hadi had slept in past the first rays of sunlight fighting against the curtains. He didn’t care. Hadi’s only concern in the world, was that when he woke up every morning, Lucia would still be there with him.

“Better?” He asked after a handful of minutes, rubbing absentmindedly up and down her back.

“Still breathing,” Lucia confirmed in a rough whisper, head leaned forward with her dark hair draped around her face like a funeral veil. There was a thick rasp to her voice, and with every breath, Hadi could hear the rattle in her lungs. “Though, maybe not the best way to start the day.” Her laugh was quiet and restrained, punctuated by a wheezing cough that cut her off until she caught her breath.

“Happy anniversary.” Hadi tried with a faint smile, though the state of her made it feel bitter on his tongue. Lucia tried laughing again, shorter, but a little stronger if Hadi allowed his imagination to think so. Like there was any other possibility than it getting worse.

“Happy anniversary.” She huffed, out of breath, leaning so their foreheads were pressed against one another. “Made it to twelve! Who would have imagined.”

That did make Hadi laugh, letting his head slide so his brow was resting against her collarbone. Scrawny, and far too visible for his liking.

“No one, save Clem, but she always knew better.” He admitted it easily. No one, not even Hadi himself expected to make it to their twelfth wedding anniversary, not for lack of care to one another, but because Hadi never thought he’d reach thirty five. Age was a luxury few of their commandment got. They had paid deeply for it.

“That’s true.” Lucia smiled, letting her hand rest on the side of his face, curled against his ear. “She was always a smart kid. I’ll have to tell her she was right, when I see her.”

Hadi’s heart plummeted, broken like porcelain dropped on the bricks. His throat tightened, and it was all he could do to blink away the tears in his eyes and hope Lucia didn’t feel the wetness on her shoulder. It took practice to catch himself, gather up all the shards and tuck them back against his chest, even as his fingertips bled. Thankfully, Hadi had years of it.

“Maybe she should have been your squire instead. She certainly liked you better.” He managed to keep his voice from shaking as he lifted his head and kissed her. He’d long gotten used to the bitter taste that lingered on her lips from her medicine. “Now- breakfast in bed, or do you want to try sleeping in a bit longer?”

“Breakfast, I think.” Lucia hummed, holding him close and savouring the proximity. After a moment, she exhaled, her hand sliding from the side of his face to his shoulder. “Then we’ll see what the day offers.”

“Breakfast it is my love.” Hadi nodded, planting another soft kiss on her cheek as he rose. Before he left, he retrieved another bottle from the still open drawer, setting it on the edge of the table. Just in case. “Any requests?” He asked, lingering in the doorway.

Lucia fixed him with a look of amusement, undercut by the deep bags under her black opal eyes.

“Unburnt.” She smirked, a bit of that fire in her that Hadi hadn’t seen in weeks. Like a spark in kindling. He shook his head, unable to help his quiet laughter.

“One time, and you never let me live it down.” He said, mock betrayal and exasperation in his tone. “I’ll see what I can do.” Hadi smiled, and slipped out the doorway.

It was only when he was out of sight in the kitchen that Hadi allowed himself to collapse. He leaned hard on the counter top, shoulders hunched inwards and a hand over his face like he was fighting a headache. They were running out of time.

When Hadi had first met Lucia, he didn’t think he even had time to spare. He’d been living a half life, unable to find a bridge to between the man he wanted to be and the girl he’d been. He’d thought himself lucky, when a recruiter for the Lions order had found him, offered him a place as a knight if he could learn to use a sword. Young, stupid, and chasing a dream, he’d accepted.

Hadi had got what he’d wanted. Fame, glory, and the recognition as the man he’d always wanted to be. He’d met Lucia, knighted just a few months before Hadi was, unabashedly loud, strong and captivating like looking into a bonfire. He’d even had a squire of his own for a time, a loud mouthed teenager named Clem who had more spite than brains in the best of ways.

But no one ever left The Lions Order. Not without a coffin.

Wars waged not for peace or protection, but for fun. Entertainment for nobles who couldn’t care less the lives they were wagering. The only great threat was boredom, and so often the ones on the other side of Hadi’s blade were people he’d once called friends.

Hadi shifted his hand to get a look at the ring on his finger. Salvaged steel he had stolen from the battlefield and reworked in any smithy that would lend him tools. Simple, nothing like his mothers master craft, but he’d made them himself.

They’d dreamt of leaving for years, finally being free of the bloodshed and the war and the endless, pointless fighting. Clems death had been the final straw, and they ran.

Unlike any other knight who had tried it before, they’d made it. Years spent in hiding, tucked away in a corner of some forgotten forest where the winters made travel impossible and the summers sang with birdsong.

Six years of freedom, and the price had been Hadi’s left eye, and most of Lucia's life.

“Fuck.” He whispered quiet under his breath, his throat tightening and his vision growing blurry. He couldn’t do this. He needed to do this. Acting like nothing was wrong, smiling, joking, even through the painful nights. Lucia didn’t deserve to be treated like an object about to break, trapped in his own grief before she was even- No, he caught himself, squeezing his eyes shut and taking a deep breath. Lucia’s last days deserved to be filled with warmth, laughter, not a funeral before the hole was even dug.

The small, vicious and cruel part of Hadi pointed out that he would need to dig the grave before winter arrived, if he wanted any hope of breaking ground before the ice made it impossible.

God. Hadi couldn’t do this. He couldn’t be the last one standing again. His parents, his friends, Clem, Hadi couldn’t loose anyone else.

But he would. Lucia's fate had been sealed for years, since the moment she inhaled the poisoned dust that first destroyed her lungs. Hadi had always prided himself on the medical knowledge he had learned from his father. Fixing cuts, burns, illness, but this wasn’t something he could cure. All he could do was delay the inevitable, and make sure Lucia’s last days were filled with love.

Which started with Hadi fixing breakfast for his wife. He could grieve and have his breakdown later, but for now, it was their anniversary, and he was going to make it count.

Inhale, exhale. Hadi straightened, roughly wiping the tears from his good eye with the back of his hand and hoping his face wouldn’t give him away. He couldn’t waste time on sorrow when he wasn’t even sure how much time they had left.

Scrambled eggs with a bit of cheese mixed in to make them softer were always a good choice, and easy enough for Hadi to prepare. By the time Hadi had a plate stacked with steaming food, the first light of dawn was cutting through the window, dappled with the shadows of the trees outside.

When Hadi returned to their bedroom, he found Lucia sitting on the edge of their bed with her back facing him, window open in front of her with a breeze gently sweeping through the house. Her shirt was loose fitting over her body, made for a far more muscular woman. It drooped along her shoulders and back, exposing warm brown skin marred by old, darkened scars. Hadi knew his own skin looked similar, just a darker shade.

“Breakfast, unburnt as you requested.” He announced as he stepped inside, joining her by the window, the plate between them. Lucia smiled at him, tired, but there, and leaned over the eggs to kiss his cheek.

“I do love a man who knows how to follow orders.” She rasped, plucking the fork perched on the edge of the plate and skewered a piece of egg on it. Hadi just watched her for a long moment, chin leaned on his palm.

In the time it took Hadi to cook her breakfast, Lucia had tied her hair into its usual braid, a simple style she’d taken from her family. One of the few pieces of them she ever had. It looked nice, the black run through with the faintest flecks of grey. He would have loved to see her with a head of grey hair, wrinkles on her face. They would be thickest around her eyes and around her brow, he’d decided. The brow from years in the order spent scowling, and crows feet from years after spent smiling.

They both were older than they’d ever thought they would be, but the greedy part of Hadi wondered if, in another life, they couldn’t have asked for more.

His eyes slid to the bedside table, and the pair of bottles on its surface. Both empty.

It was an effort to hide his wince when he looked back to Lucia, but Hadi managed.

“Anniversary worthy?” He asked.

“Without a doubt.” She nodded, offering him a forkful of eggs. He took a bite, his attention focused solely on her. Hadi needed to remember this moment, however long it lasted. “So, what's the plan for the day?”

Hadi hummed, considering as he leaned back. The open window had the perfect view of the trees outside, and the thin path that led into the forest.

“How about the clearing? I’ll pack lunch and a book.” Hadi offered. Lucia’s love of nature was no secret, not when she’d spent the majority of her life even before the order as a nomad going from open valley to dense forest.

Lucia smiled, her eyes scrunching with the fondness she looked at him with.

“I think that would be perfect.”

The clearing was beautiful in the late summer days, nestled between small birch and towering oaks just off the main path. Filled with wild grass and flowers, all fed by a small creek along the edge that burbled softly and sang with frog song in the evenings.

It wasn’t a long walk, only twenty minutes from where their little cabin was nestled. Still, it was far enough that Hadi packed a few extra bottles of Lucia's medicine along with a woven blanket, potato soup, and a book of southern fairy-tales Hadi had since he was a child.

As they’d settled down in the clearing, Lucia had simply basked in the noon sun for a long time. Hadi was more than content to watch the way she thrived in the light, her cheeks a warmer colour than he’d seen in weeks. She looked like the centre of a sunflower, surrounded by yellow flowers and green grass.

She prompted Hadi to read as she laid down in the grass, an arm over her eyes to block the worst of the suns rays but a smile on her face. Hadi was happy to comply, sitting next to her and carefully flipping the pages with one hand while the other was intertwined with hers.

This was the life he’d wanted. The life they’d dreamed about as young adults. Back then, Hadi had always been the more optimistic of the two. Lucia had been among the order longer, sharpened and angry at the world because of it. She’d hated Hadi at first, thought him an idiot for joining and a bigger one for not seeing how he’d shackled himself.

It took time and more than a few injuries for Hadi to earn her respect, and eventually her affection. He was the hope for both of them back then. Now, she was the last hope he carried.

The sun had shifted only a few degrees when the clouds began to roll in. They descended from the mountains like curtains, bringing with them the distant smell of rain and crack of thunder.

Hadi watched them carefully, hoping against hopes that they would shift in the wind. Pull their storm elsewhere and leave them undisturbed. The first few droplets gingerly dappling the open pages of his book dispelled his wish like the wind snatching smoke.

The storm was rising in earnest as they made their way back down the path, the air heavy and thick with the growing moisture that caught in Lucia's lungs. Her pace slowed, a hand rubbing numbly at her chest as if it could unblock her lungs. When Hadi offered to carry her, he hated how light she felt against his back. The woman who could once throw him over her shoulder with ease, now so light he was reminded of Clem, never more than a gangly teenager.

Still, Lucia laughed, chin resting against his shoulder as she pointed out all the stray sticks and rocks on his blind side. He could find most of them with his good eye, but he wasn’t going to tell Lucia that.

They burst through the cabin door just as the storm began pounding against the roof with conviction, the roll of thunder echoing against the mountains like a battle cry. Hadi hardly cared for his own wet clothes before he had a fire roaring in the hearth, Lucia sat in front of it wrapped in a blanket and nursing another bottle of medicine.

“Not quite how I’d hoped the day to go.” Hadi lamented as he joined her, his wet clothes traded for a dry pair of pants and a loose fitting shirt.

“Maybe, but still a good day.” Lucia said, watching the fire with a quiet contentment. Hadi hummed, sitting close enough that their sides were pressed against one another. He could feel the rattle in her chest, though he tried so desperately to convince himself that the noise was the the crack of the embers. “Thought I do have one more request.”

“Anything.” Hadi said with feeling, pulling back to meet her gaze. Lucia stood carefully, leaning against the closest table until she was standing above him, a hand extended.

“Hadi, may I ask you for a dance.” She smiled, warm and strong like the day they’d met.

“I’d be honoured.” Hadi grinned, taking her hand as he rose.

In the warmth of their cabin, with the storm at their only music, Hadi and Lucia danced. One final time.

When Hadi opened his eyes, it was to sunlight streaming through the window. Birds flitted between the trees, their singing the only sound that echoed in his ears. He came to with a grim, inevitable realization that felt like ice in his chest.

It was quiet. Suffocatingly quiet.

He sat up slowly, staring forward with a sense of detachment, the same feeling Hadi had felt when he woke up the morning after he lost his eye. Numb. Tired. Trapped by inevitability.

There was always only one way for this to end.

He reached to his side and found her hand, cool to the touch like her ring. Like the last bits of warmth had only just left her. When Hadi finally gathered the courage to look at her, Lucia was gone. Her body was still there, peaceful and serene like she was asleep, but the parts of her that made her Lucia were gone.

There was no pain in her face, she hadn’t suffered, but Hadi found that a bitter comfort as he intertwined his fingers in hers and pressed the back of her hand to his lips. Lucia was gone, and with her, the porcelain finally shattered beyond what Hadi could pick up. He closed his eyes, pressed a final kiss to her hand, and sobbed.