Forgiveness

did you really think

that i would forgive you?

you broke me.

left me when i needed a friend -

walked away when all i needed 

was a shoulder to lean on.

i believed -

i truly did -

that you cared.

that you’d be there

forever.

but clearly

i thought wrong.

you can’t fix 

this.

i’m oh so

very sorry,

but it doesn’t work

that way.

cause that was one mistake

i’m not willing to forgive.

some days i wish i could,

but there’s a part of me

that simply

can’t let go

of all the pain

that you caused me.

did you know

that you were

hurting me?

that day after day

and night after night

i cried

wondering if what 

you told me was

true.

i still don’t know

and sometimes 

i catch myself wishing

i could ask you.

but would you be honest?

or would it be

just another one

of your lies?

since 

you were lying to me

the whole time,

right?

i think,

but i’m not sure.

am i really all that you said?

all those things

that made me question

why i was

still alive?

people tell me -

or

at least

once did -

that i was special.

but i

seriously doubt 

that.

even if i truly am

one in a million

there’s hundreds of 

people

just 

like 

me.

so yes,

i’m aware

that i’m not special.

but i didn’t 

need to hear it from

you.

when you embarrassed me 

in front of people 

on purpose -

raised your voice

so they all could hear

that you were ditching me

to hang out with

the new girl

from seattle...

damn.

i hated her

because of that.

i made her life 

miserable

because of you.

you asked me

why

i was so

mean to her.

i scoffed and walked 

away

because you didn’t 

know it was

all your fault.

i wish now

that i could have 

forgiven her for

snatching 

you

right out from

my arms,

but she’s gone

moved back to 

Seattle.

i wonder if i was

the reason she left.

she said that

it was because her dad

got a job back in 

Washington,

but i doubt that

too.

wow.

i am

as horrible a person

as you said

i was.

and yeah

i guess it 

really was my

fault,

wasn’t it?

you told me

it was my fault.

that everything was.

and then

i yelled right back

at you

and said it wasn’t,

but now i know

you were probably

right

the whole time.

yet i 

still blame you

for what happened 

to us.

i know

it’s petty,

cause i lied too

to make you feel

more understood

between your divorced parents

depressed mom

and emotional problems.

and so when i felt alone

you lied right back to me.

so maybe

i was just getting 

a taste

of my own medicine

but damn,

was it bitter

you have no idea

how long i reeled 

from the words you said,

and i have no idea

how one person 

could bring me to my knees -

tear my world apart -

like you did.

if that was your intention

then hey,

lucky,

lucky,

you.

you did it.

you won.

are you happy now?

nah.

i bet

you’re still out there

breaking the hearts of people

just like me.

i feel sorry for them -

i really do.

cause 

just like me

they’ll have no

idea what’s coming

until it hits them

smack

like a fourteen wheeler

on the freeway -

and it won’t hurt

any less.

but now,

for some reason i can’t 

explain,

i still can’t forgive you.

it was my fault -

i caused it -

so why is it so 

hard to let you go?

i bet you’ve forgotten

that i even exist by now,

so why can’t i forget you too?

why do you linger in my mind

like a bug bite

that won’t stop itching

and won’t go away?

and 

because i don’t know 

what else to do,

i think i’ll just

blame that on you too,

because there’s no innocent one 

in this game for two,

and you know it.

did you ever really care? 

or was it fake the whole time?

it’s just so hard for me 

to wrap my head around

how good of a liar

that you are -

or should i say

thet you’ve become -

since you weren’t like this before.

at least,

that’s what i’d like to believe.

i hope i haven’t been lying to myself

about you.

were you actually who you said

that you were?

was half of what you said

even a mile out 

form the truth?

did you actually want to 

be with me in the 

first place,

or was it all a scam?

i really would like to know,

but if i saw you again

i’d probably break down -

let the tears flow

let the emotions bubble over -

because i’m oh

so 

sick

of remembering you.

i’m oh

so

tired

of being oh

so 

tired

of you

and your sweet little posse

of friends that used to be mine

until you stole them from me too.

you know,

i used to be so happy.

so carefree.

but you -

you made me grow up 

fast.

too fast.

faster than

i would have liked.

you squeezed me dry 

of the radiant joy

that i used to carry.

i wish i could strangle you -

show you just what it feels like

to choke on your own tears.

to beg

for a car to run you over,

or for you to sleep and never wake up.

because waking up is like

going from one nightmare

to another -

but the second is one

that you can’t wake up from.

i bet

you’ve never felt that before,

have you?

good.

i wouldn’t wish that on anyone

not even you.

i don’t know what i wish more -

that i never met you,

or that you never met me.

such a subtle difference,

but still

one that could change a life - 

and one that changed mine.

so yes.

maybe i did deserve it.

but i will

never,

ever,

forgive you.