The Dragon's in the Details

CW: Strong language

“We’re here! Mom said we could park behind their Suburban.”

I turned my Jeep into the driveway with a sigh of relief. The cul-de-sac was packed with more Teslas, Rivians, and other upscale electric cars than I’d seen outside of Meta’s employee lot. The phrase 'small get together' clearly had a different meaning in this neighborhood than in the one where I grew up. But I was glad to cross parking off the list of worries for the day, especially when item number one on that list was ‘Meet your girlfriend’s parents.’

After opening the side door for Emily to hop out, I popped the trunk and grabbed the burger meat and brats my midwestern values compelled me to bring to the event. Before we reached the door, Emily turned around, squeezed my face, and planted a fat kiss on my lips.

“You’re going to do great baby, don’t worry!”

“Easy for you to say, they're your parents.”

“You’re so cute when you get nervous, it’ll be fine! Mom just texted me, she’s out back with the rest of the guests. Dad’s in his cavern, of course.”

“Cavern?”

“That’s just what we call the shack he built a few years ago. He said he needed a dark place for proper barbequing, what a goofball. You should go ahead and meet him in there, he’s expecting you. Oh wipe that look off your face he’s not going to bite! Especially since you’re bringing meats.”

I nodded, took a deep breath, put on a brave face, and spent the next five minutes meeting my soulmate’s father before heading to join the rest of the party.

A processed cocktail of meat juices exploded in my mouth as I chomped down on the hot dog. Superficially, that first bite had everything I could have wanted in a backyard barbeque wiener: a noticeable snap of the casing, undefined pork products, and a toasted bun to soak up a medley of non-ketchup condiments. But it was missing the signature essence of propane or charcoal I had come to associate with grilled meat stuffs. And I think I knew why.

“Babe, what’s wrong? Did dad use too much flame again? I swear he thinks food is raw unless its covered in burn marks.”

“It’s not your dad’s cooking… it’s just… your dad”

“What about him? Oh my god did he mention your hair? Babe, don’t worry it’s fine, I love your flow and my mom even mentioned how good it looked! Dad’s just a boomer who thinks anything longer than a crew cut is for hippies, remnants from his time in Vietnam I guess.”

“No it’s not that… I mean shit really? Do I have to say it?”

Emily blinked twice and cocked her head at my question, confusion filling the chestnut brown eyes I fell in love with a few months ago. She possessed the kind of girl-next-door beauty that inadvertently shone through in her reactions to everyday conversations. I was tempted to grab her freckle dusted cheeks in my hands and pull her in for a fevered kiss, but I held strong and met her gaze with a knowing stare of my own.

 “Say what?”

“Your dad is a fucking dragon what else would I have to say?”

 “What? Tyler I told you not to take those mushroom chocolates Kevin left us today I really wanted you to make a good impression on my family!”

 “I didn’t! I’ve even been drinking these god-awful nonalcoholic beers your weird cousin brought.”

“Steve is not weird! Be nice, he’s been through a lot!”

Weird was being nice. Steve was weird in the same way Antarctica was cold. If I wasn’t trying to be nice, I would have called him ‘the sweaty goblin crouching in the corner staring lustfully at the neighbor’s dog.’ But that wasn’t the battle being fought at the moment.

“Whatever! Either way your dad is not human. I mean that grill’s not even on he’s shooting flames from his throat to cook the meat!”

“Propane is expensive and my parents are on a fixed income!”

 “He’s sitting on a pile of gold and hissing at anyone who comes close!”

 “Dad’s pension got burned in 2009, he’s very protective of his money!”

“He picked your neighbor Eugene up in his jaws and ate him!”

“Eugene refuses to get rid of his Bermuda grass! We’ve gotten the HOA involved but he still won’t listen! He deserves to be taken down a peg!”

Emily graduated top of her class from Johns Hopkins Medical School. Stanford begged her to come back to the Bay to do her residency at their Oncology Center. We had flights booked to Los Angeles next month so she could take her 4 PM Jeopardy dominance from our apartment to the Sony Studios in Culver City. This was the smartest person I’d ever met, and yet…

“Why are you fighting me on this? Your mom’s right there let’s go ask her.”

“Fine if you insist but I’m really starting to worry about you.”

We walked over to her mother, standing with two of the other neighborhood women discussing idle gossip with mint juleps in hand. Emily always said she took after her father, with his dark features and leaner physique. But if one looked past Mrs. Williams’ blonde curls and plump stature, there was a distinctly sharp gleam in her eyes that left no doubt as to which parent was responsible for their daughter’s prodigious intelligence.

“Oh, hello Emily, Tyler! I’m so glad we finally got to meet you, are you having a good time? Is your hot dog over cooked, oh I swear my Paul could be at a restaurant in Pompeii and still send his steak back for not being sufficiently burnt to ashes!”

“Hello Mrs. Williams, and I couldn’t be more appreciative for your hospitality and the warm welcome you’ve given me. But about your husband… he’s a dragon, right?”

To her credit, the warm look on Emily’s mom’s face never faltered as she looked me in the eyes.

“Tyler honey are you feeling okay? You look a little red, must be this damn valley heat! I’ll bring you inside to cool off. Emily, you remember Mrs. Thompson from your piano lessons? I’m sure she’d love to hear how her star pupil has been faring after college.”

 Before I could protest Mrs. Williams was dragging me into the house with more force than a petite fifty-year-old woman should possess. We ascended the stairs and went straight into the hallway closet, door slamming behind us as I was released from the Vulcan death grip my girlfriend’s mom had locked me into.

“Mrs. Williams I wasn’t trying to..”

“Enough!”

I shot back, surprised at the amount of power that could be generated by the vocal cords of a five-foot nothing menopausal woman.

“Now I have a good thing going here, that pile of gold under my husband is worth more than the value of every house on this block combined! Now you can play along, keep cool, and live a very comfortable life with my daughter, or you can find out what happened to Emily’s other boyfriends who liked to ask questions. Get it?”

I nodded, too shocked to speak or express anything other than subservience.

I met Emily back outside.

“Hey are you alright? You were shouting all sorts of crazy nonsense earlier, I’ve been worried about you.”

“Yeah it’s fine… your mom gave me.. uh.. a cold compress and I’m feeling much better. Did your dad get started on the burgers yet?”