My night out

Susan was out for her daily dog walk, alone as always. A lifetime of hurt has caused her to give up on people. Susan had moved cross country with a truck load of her life and her faithful companion her chiwennie Sugarbear. They smiled at people when out exploring different parks, lakes and rivers. Susan knew to become a part of life she needed people to come into her life, but needed to shed the walls she installed to protect herself from people.

Susan noticed the same man walking alone everyday taking his walk. Eventually they made eye contact and smiled at each other. They would stop and sit on the park bench, in the beginning neither said to much. Susan found out Brian was a widower, he had no children. After a few weeks Brian asked her to have dinner one evening, then to a friends party.

As the evening approached Susan began reliving her fears. What if l don't have anything to say? What will l wear? The anxiety and fear was taking over, she kept making excuses of why she couldn't go. Finally the day came, with a pit in her gut she went through the motions of getting ready. She pulled every outfit from her closet, nothing looked good on her, she thought. Questioning herself every second, making herself sick with pressure of going out in a public place to sit with someone. Susan wondered what she was so afraid of, picking up her phone a hundred times to cancel. However, part of her felt he was a safe man and to get over herself and just go out.

Susan was tired of being alone, so she fought through her insecurities and fears and prepared to go at least to the dinner. Brian arrived on time to pick her up and displayed to be perfect gentleman. He opened her door, said she looked beautiful, but Susan was quiet and very uncomfortable. They didn't speak much on the way to the restaurant. Susan began to wonder if she made a mistake, should have met there so she would have a way home if this doesn't work out. What was she thinking trusting this almost stranger.

Brian made the reservation, the restaurant was simple, relaxed atmosphere. Upon entering Susan took a deep breath saying to herself, "this is nice, not so bad, l can do this". They sat for a while looking over their choices, discussing each others likes and dislikes. Susan began to feel a little at ease, this was the same kind gentleman she got to know during her walks. The conversation wasn't forced, the words to him seemed to flow without questioning thoughts. Susan was unable to be totally at ease, the other guests she felt were looking at them. Susan kept focused on Brian ignoring the feelings of dread she felt being in the public room. Susan tried not to let her pick this man apart so not to like him, which was her nature.

Dinner was okay, Susan didn't have an appetite because of her anxiety she was trying to control now the time was nearing to go meet his friends at a party of around ten people. Brian knew from the dinner conversation Susan had panic disorder when she was put in a social outing of more than one other person. He was trying to speak softly to her, hoping to put her at ease. Susan wasn't speaking anymore all her energy was focused on not opening the car door and leaving to go home to her comfort zone.

They arrived to the party, Susan was frozen in fear, not wanting to go in. Brian assured her they were kind people, but after five minutes if she wanted to leave, he would take her home. Susan agreed and took some deep breaths and got out of the car. Brian put his hand in hers, assuring her she would be okay.

Susan's heart stopped when she entered the house, there were more than ten people. The music was loud, she just wanted to run. Brian moved her along saying hello and introducing her to his friends. Susan felt mortified, she didnt belong there, Brian offered to go get them a drink leaving Susan frozen with fear against a wall not knowing what to do. It felt like an hour before he returned with the drinks. Susan asked him, please take me home. Brian pleaded with her to just stay for a few more minutes. He was comfortable with his friends, Susan saw him to be outgoing, able to enjoy himself. A few people came over to ask, how they met, where was she from. Someone asked, if she played Canasta and they started a game. Susan and Brian played partners and slowly they began to relax into the night. Once the game ended, everyone began mingling with each other, Susan and Brian sat sitting at the card table, Susan wasn't ready to walk around. They sat for awhile, until Susan asked him to take her home. It took longer than she had hoped for him to say his goodbyes and get to the door. His friends were kind, lively host but cannot make anyone comfortable with themself.

Susan thanked everyone for their kindness and hospitality welcoming her into their home. Sure, we will see each other again they said. They rode in silence for the drive to drop her off. Susan was proud of herself for going, although going was painfully hard for her.

Brian seemed to understand, he didn't pressure her for conversation. Susan was already stressing about what would happen when they arrived, does she have to invite him in? Will he try to kiss her? Will he never speak to her again? Did she ruin his good time? She had self questions until he pulled in front of her house.

They sat still in the car for what seemed like an eternity but was only minutes until Brian opened his door coming around to open hers. He told her he had a pleasant evening and was happy she took a chance to go out into an uncomfortable situation for her, with him. He hoped she also had a nice evening. Susan hesitated looking at him and said yes, thank you and turned to go into her safe place, home.