S2, Ep. 7: Good Ideas, Bad Ideas, and How to Parent Them

*This podcast is brought to you by Fabricated Fairytellers, the podcast platform for all the characters who are from almost fairytales.

[Upbeat music begins to play]

How’s it going my fellow Cobblers? I know we haven’t talked in a while, that's what happens when you have, what is it? Twelve, thirteen, maybe fifteen? Mouths to feed. You start going a little crazy.

*Slightly maniacal laughter*

I’m fine, I’m fine. If only Rick would come back with that milk he said he was getting.

Aaaaaanyway, for those of you just joining, welcome to “If the Shoe Fits: A Cobbler’s Guide to Parenting”. I’m your host Opal Webb, or as I like to call myself: OW, an abbreviation that not only describes my name but is also a perfect classification of my life.

Today we’re talking about ideas, good ones and bad ones. Specifically the bad ones.

As a parent I’ve found it’s really hard to prevent your kids from doing stupid things. Just yesterday I caught little Johnny trying to practice his newfound shoe tying skills on the shoe that we live in. I was lucky to catch him when I did otherwise we all probably would’ve suffocated. Thanks a lot Johnny.

Unfortunately, he’s not the only one. When you have as many kids as I do it makes it hard to watch all of them at once. Luckily, I keep AirTags on all their collars so I at least know where they are. Recently though, that hasn’t been working out. They seem to be getting bolder and bolder. Which reminds me: if you’re in a giving mood then feel free to donate to my GoFundMe. It’s called “Help Opal buy Shock Collar for her Many Children” We’ve already raised $47 and three reports to Child Protection Services.

In these recent weeks my children have been out of control. They keep jumping out of three story windows, wearing their shoes inside (just because the house is a shoe does not mean you don’t have to take your shoes off), using The Shoe as a slide, leaving the oven on (I have the fire department on speed-dial now) and trying to shove as many marshmallows into their mouths as possible. I don’t understand why they keep doing these things. The only thing it brings is more work for me and less marshmallows for them.

I know that sometimes, as a parent, it can feel like you’re all alone in the world. Ever since Rick left I’ve been feeling more and more alone. It’s just hard to find someone who can really connect with me. I know I usually just do this podcast alone but today I’ve to bring on a guest!

He’s the king of the sea, the hottest of bachelors, and he’s rockin’ the shirtless look. Everyone give it up for King Triton!

*Enthusiastic clapping*

Triton: Hello everyone! It’s so good to be here. I’m King Triton, or as many of you know me: Ariel’s Selfish Father. So I wanted to protect my baby girl, sue me!

Opal: That’s great to hear Triton—

Triton: Oh please, call me King. Surely we’re on a first-name basis by now.

Opal: Um, okay “King” could you tell the audience a bit about yourself?

King: Sure! I’ve got seven daughters: Attina, Alana, Adella, Aquata, Arista, Andrina and of course my Princess: Ariel.

Opal: But aren’t all your daughters princesses? You are the king of the sea after all.

King: Well yes, but Ariel is special, she’s the only one brave enough to stand up to me. That’s why I had to assign her a bodyguard: Flounder.

Opal: [muttering], so he likes the wild ones. Interesting.

King: What was that?

Opal: Oh um, nothing. Let’s get back to the show. What do you do when your kids have bad ideas?

King: Well a few days ago Alana tried to wear her red top to a press conference and I told her that it was a terrible idea because it would clash with the purple tail dye she had just applied. She realized I was right and changed into a purple top, saving us from a fashion disaster.

Opal: A press conference, how interesting, what, or should I say who was it about? Maybe a recent royal marriage?

King: [curtly] I don’t remember.

Opal: You don’t remember? It was only a few days ago, surely you remember something.

King: I do not. Case closed….So let’s talk about your kids.

Opal: I’m loving this tension we’ve got going. I hear enemies to lovers is really in right now. Ehhhhh? [insert suggestive smirk]

King: Your kids?

Opal: Right, I’ve got like sixteen of them. It’s great. I love them.

Johnny: [peeking his head in] Mommy awre you done yet?

Opal: [Gritting her teeth] Mommy is in the middle of something. Go climb up The Shoe or something.

King: Are you sure you should be telling him that? I thought this podcast was about good and bad ideas.

Opal: Which I am showing through example! Loosen up Kingy!

King: Did you just call me ‘Kingy’

Opal: Sooooo back to the podcast. Tell me more about your likes and dislikes. Do you like broth, dislike broth? Personally I find broth tastes better without bread but if you really like bread I’m sure I could sell a few children.

King: I’ve always liked forks.

Opal: Forks?! I don’t think you can eat broth with those. Do you like spoons too?

King: Forks remind me of my daughter Ariel, she was always using them to comb her beautiful hair. If only she was still here.

Opal: Oh yes! Ariel, let's talk more about her.

King: I’d rather not—

Opal: Coming up next: Ariel Triton, how to stop your kids from making life-destroying decisions like hers. But first! A quick word from our sponsors.

King: I wouldn’t say they were life-de—

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Opal: Don’t bring yourself down Kingy, I’m sure there’s someone out there for you, (or maybe someone right here for you) . You just have to put yourself back out there.

King: Yeah but—

Opal: And we’re back! Welcome back listeners, once again this is “If the Shoe Fits: A Cobbler’s Guide to Parenting” I’m Opal Webb and this is Kingy.

King: Just ‘King’ please.

Opal: Right now we’re going to dive into the story of Ariel Triton, and how to prevent your kid from ending up like her. So Kingy, can you tell us a bit about Ariel.

King: Do I have to? [Unintelligible whispering] I guess I do want to get paid. Okay well, Ariel was my youngest daughter. My favorite I dare say. She was curious about the world, she could always find the beauty in something many thought was just ordinary. And she had the loveliest voice, I could listen to her sing all day long.

Opal: I have a great voice. *Belts out a few very off-key notes*

King: Please stop.

Opal: So you don’t like it when I sing? Don’t worry singing isn’t the only thing my mouth is good for.

King: Uhhhhh…How much longer in this interview?

Opal: However long you want Baby.

Sarah: [walking in] Mom are you almost done with this “speed dating” thing? We’re hungryyyyyy.

Opal: Sarah you better get your butt out of here before I need to use one of my less ‘conventional’ parenting methods….And could you get your siblings some broth, I think I forgot to feed them breakfast.

King: You whip your kids?

Opal: What else am I supposed to do with all this leather?

King: Uhhhh…As I was saying Ariel was my favorite, she was perfect in every way. Until…until she decided I wasn’t enough for her. *loud sniffle*

Opal: Wow, that’s sad. Hey, I was thinking of changing my relationship status. Do you think we’re ready for “In a relationship” or should I just keep it as “Dating?”

King: I just wanted to be a good father! That’s why I sent all those sea creatures after her to sing that song. It was such a good song, I hired Olivia Rodrigo to write it. They couldn’t get the electric guitar underwater…

Opal: So how did you stop her from going through with this bad idea?

King: I couldn’t! I couldn’t! I COULDN’T! Didn’t you watch the rest of the movie?!

Opal: Honestly, once they stopped showing you I got kinda bored…

King: She gave up her voice! Her beautiful, beautiful voice. I had to battle my wretched sister to get it back. And even after all I’d done for her she still left me! For that disgusting prince…

Opal: Yeah I hate kids.

King: What? How could you say that?

Opal: That wasn’t what you were leading to? I thought that was going to be your big finish. Kids are horrible, their ideas are bad, never have them.

King: I love my kids!

Opal: Ha! Couldn’t be me!

King: Sure, my kids drive me crazy sometimes. They have the worst ideas, they do the dumbest things. But they also have the best ideas, whenever I feel sad Attina bakes me a cake. Andrina introduced Friday Skit Night where we all get to laugh and hang out together. Even Ariel calls. Sometimes. I may not have a wife but I definitely have the best kids.

Opal: Wow. What a great speech. Especially that last part. You don’t have a wife? I mean I always assumed that since you never mention her but…Wow. It’s great to hear that. So I was thinking: your palace, 6:00? We could do mine but I have all these kids and…

King: Was this episode ever about my parenting choices?

Opal: I’m not going to answer that! Want to seal our episode with a kiss? Every good fairytale has one!

King: Oh, what the heck! I could always use someone else to help me take down Eric!

Opal: You still have all that treasure right?

King: Loads. Honestly I have so much sometimes I don’t know what to do with it! I started burying it in the sand for those tourists with the beepy tools to find. It’s—

[Opal cuts him off with a kiss]

*Loud, slurping kissing noises*

Kids: [Walking in] Mom we’re out of—Oooooooo

Johnny: They’wre still on aiwr.

Sarah: Oh uhh. Thank you all for listening, this has been the uh Good Ideas, Bad Ideas episode of “If the Shoe Fits: A Cobbler’s Guide to Parenting”. Tune in next week for our next episode “Carseats, You’re Probably Doing It Wrong.” Don’t forget to share our podcast and follow us on Instagram!

Kids: BYEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!