One For The Road

He parked down the road a short distance from his destination. The drive had been unmemorable and for that he was thankful. His head was already residing in a point in the future. Something more than anticipation. The journey had taken an hour. After a life time of commutes, he viewed such journeys as a changing room. The necessary transition from one state to another took place during the trail through a non-descript no-man’s land that remained quiet right until the enemy of order descended and wrenched the steering wheel towards chaos.

The subsequent walk was another chance at a reset. He could not settle though. His senses were heightened. This was unusual. Everything rode on the coming moment. It was a shot at nothing. That role of the dice that can deliver happiness or perpetuate misery.

The exterior of the pub was unique in the same way so many pubs are. There was a promise of olde worlde public house as opposed to a clinical bar. Both facades. Affectations. Faces worn in mimicry of the clientele doing the exact same thing. He opened the door to another world and an opportunity for something different. Now there was excitement. He bought a beer and was glad at the additional pause that this provided. Glanced at the back door of the pub. The final door that would open onto a beginning and an end.

It began as it had begun all those years ago. The necessary start that was a prelude to much wanted change. An excitement arising from the anticipation of what could be. A limitless well of potential to match his hopes and his dreams. He needed to revisit that. Wanted to see how real it was. Step back into the past in order to free himself from it.

He opened the door and walked into the small pub garden. It wasn’t a garden at all. Merely a yard. But it did the job. An outside space that created more intimacy than the confines of the pub itself. Most of the tables were taken. The drinkers out here spoke quietly. Almost conspiratorially. Whispering secrets that could undo the world or solve all its problems.

She was hunched over her phone. Leather jacket and jeans. How often had he seen her like that? Leaning over the screen as though she wanted to enter the world on the other side of it. He supposed she had. There was more of her in that phone than there ever would be in the world. He knew that now. He would never know all of it, but he knew enough. More than enough. He’d opened his own customised Pandora’s box and he could not take it back. The best he could do was learn the lessons she’d presented to him and do his best to move on.

“Hi”, he said it gently in order not to surprise her. That was never going to happen though. She was prepared. The phone a prop. She did not want to be caught unawares. She hated that. The risk of exposure. Something real emerging from the depths of her. Something that could not be explained away.

She looked up and smiled, mirroring the greeting. He drew back the stool and sat. Part of him wished he wasn’t here. Or was it that he wished he’d never been here? You could not undo what was done. All you could do was lay the past to rest. Go to the funeral and scatter the first clods of earth upon it. He still wasn’t sure how to go about that. He was attracted to her. Did not understand that attraction. Not now. Not then. Tried to side step the obvious. The danger she presented. He was a stupid and wilful moth to her consuming flame. The chemistry was really anxiety. She was a monster and he’d always had a hard on for horror. Had not realised that the worst monsters wore human skin and mimicked people so adeptly that they were better at being a person than real people were. They could pretend to do living better than anyone. And that was the rub. Wouldn’t it be easier to live? Wouldn’t it be better for everyone?

He stared at her smooth pale skin and the red painted lips. Listened as she spoke, but read her as much as her words. He tried not to glance down at her breasts. An impossible task once the thought presented itself. He knew what lay beneath her clothes. He had explored every curve. Felt a pang of regret at never going there again. The want of what he could not have was powerful. He knew it would pass, but it didn’t feel like it right now. The thought that possessed him was that it didn’t need to be like this. Things could so easily have been so much better. Could be so much better.

If only.

Life could not be lived with ifs and buts. These things were out of his control. He’d tried and he’d tried long and hard. Done all he could. Done far too much. Carried on trying well beyond the point of sanity. She was not interested in a happy ending. Never had been. She had her own, hidden agenda. Those that discovered it did so far too late in the day. The damage was already done by then. Still she would attract people like him and they would see what they wanted to see whilst she played her vindictive game. The allure of it fascinated him. He could feel his heart rate rising. His eyes on those red lips. His arousal shamed him. It also did not surprise him. This was how it was. He wanted the adventure. A walking challenge that would test him. In this respect, he had picked well. He wondered how many more years she had in her. When she would fail to attract the prime meat. That would frustrate and anger her. Make her far worse. Things would never end well for her. Nor for anyone in her orbit.

“So,” he said.

“So,” she echoed.

“This was where it all started,” he looked at her and smiled. She nodded. “And you told me things about you that should have put me off.”

“Why didn’t they?” she asked.

He considered this for a moment, “I saw something in you,” he said. “I thought it was your inner child. Maybe it was. Problem is, I wanted to save you. That’s never a good idea. Especially if a person doesn’t want saving.”

“In a way, you did.” She was running her finger around the top of her glass. He tried to discern what she may mean by that. Liked it too much.

“How so?” he asked.

“We were good together,” she told him, “you were my rock.”

He looked at her and swallowed back the familiar frustration, preventing himself from asking why she’d left him if this really was the case. You never got an answer to the Big Whys in life. Chasing those answers was a fool’s errand and the fool always got hurt.

“It was good while it lasted,” he conceded. This was a lie. He’d been provided the illusion of good and by the time he saw things for how they really were he was grievously wounded. She’d looked upon the bloodied mess she’d caused with a cold dispassion that shocked and appalled him. Where he thought she’d been, there was nothing. Something worse than nothing.

She reached across the table and took his hand in hers, “I’ll always love you.”

Those words hurt, but not as much as they might once have done. He found that he was regulating his emotions quite well and his nervous system wasn’t spitting the dummy.

“I’ll always love you,” he meant those words. Had struggled for some time over how he could mean them. Then he remembered her inner child. The part of a person that even when forced into a dark place and suppressed cannot help but shine. That was what he loved. He’d loved her in good faith and invested himself totally. That was enough. He’d given of himself and that was how things should be. The result did not matter. He smiled at that. It still mattered to him. He’d been cheated of something and there was injustice in that. Life wasn’t fair though and he was here to let go. That was all there was to it. To be free to roll the dice of life once again.

There was a pause in their meeting whilst he got them both another drink. He didn’t know where the first one had gone. His focus totally on her. Walking into the pub was like walking into another world. That was the effect she had. He’d loved that about her at one time. Thought it was a special bubble they had shared. And in a way, that was right. She created a fantasy that drew him away from reality. Isolating him and leaving him vulnerable to every single blow she landed. Thousands of seemingly inconsequential slights that dismantled him and destroyed his worth. This then was respite. A breather from their exchange. He would return for round two and then it would be done.

Taking a deep breath, he composed himself and returned to the table. To the woman he’d thought he’d be with for the rest of his days. He’d built a life around her and she’d torn it all down. Walked out on him without a backward glance. Then told his friends and family that he was the villain of the piece. That he’d kicked her out. More lies. More hurt. And yet here he was. One last time. It needed to be right. He needed this.

They indulged in small talk. There really wasn’t much else to say. Again, his drink magically evaporated. He looked at it and realised he didn’t want this moment to end. Knew that it must. All good things came to an end. In which case, the bad things should too.

“I’d best go,” he told her.

“Yes, so should I,” she said. She was up and ready to go in a matter of seconds. Business concluded.

They walked out together. He deposited the glasses on the bar as they passed. Said goodbye to the barmaid. She smiled at him and he wondered for a moment whether he might come back. A visit for other reasons. Moving forward with his life.

He walked her to her car.

They hugged, just as they had on their very first date. Then he watched her turn away. Again. An incredible sadness settling upon him. The echo of her walking out of his life with no explanations, only lies. She stopped at the door of her car and paused. Turned back to him. Threw her arms around him and held him tight. Her body moving rhythmically. At first he was confused by the movement. Then he held her tighter as he understood that she was crying. Crying in a way that he’d never experienced. This was not performative. This was real. As this realisation washed over him his own tears fell freely. A release that lightened his load at last.

He could not say how long they stood together like that. Time left them to it. When they let go of each other he knew he was ready to let go of her at last. He looked down at her and smiled.

“Thank you,” he said to her. Two words that held so much meaning.

She raised her hands and held his face in them. Her eyes no longer cold, “I’m sorry.”

He nodded and held back more tears. He never thought he’d hear her apology. Had never seen her express remorse or gratitude. “Thank you,” he said again.

Then they parted and he did not feel the need to watch her walk away. What was done was done.

In his car, he cried again. Lighter yet again. Clearing space for the life ahead of him. Before starting the car he opened his phone. A notification popped up requiring feedback. He opened the Closure Experience app and gave his feedback. The actress had played her part well. He’d had reservations, but she had looked the part as well as acting it.

No, the ear piece was not noticeable.

No, it was not obvious that the actress was relaying the AI script from said ear piece.

Yes, he would recommend Closure Experience to his friends.

He left a five star rating and closed his phone. Today’s meeting had been pretty expensive, but nowhere near as expensive as the original meeting seven years ago. Besides, he now had the closure he would never have from her, even if it was yet another piece of fantasy. He found that to be a fitting end. Rounding all those years of manipulative fantasy off with his own little story. Indulging in her game to unshackle him from all the hurt she’d caused him. Now he could work on the rest of his closure. Living a life free from her and living it well. He felt like celebrating. There was an unopened single malt in the kitchen cupboard. Time to break it open and toast the better days ahead. Just the one though. There was a whole world out there in which he would live his celebration. As he started his car he felt an unfamiliar sensation. The first moment of a peace he would explore and grow throughout the rest of his life. He smiled and as he smiled he shone more brightly than he had in the last seven years.