A Memory lost in Retrospect

noun: limerence; plural noun: limerences

a state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.

She was my everything. When the world moved out of my sight, she stayed there, grounding me. Keeping me still and stable. When the pain in my soul shouted at me to bend, she covered my ears and helped me stand. When the ugliness of the world disgusted me beyond comparison, her beauty calmed me in a way no one would be able to understand.

She was Emma. We had started dating 4 years ago, and those years were the best of my life. We argued like a regular couple. We even broke up once or twice, but we always found our way back to each other. We would apologize and make up, and everything would go back to the way it should be.

We met in class. Her eyes weren’t focused on the teacher, but outside, and the wonders that the world represented. I thought to myself, ‘Wow, she was beautiful.’ I found it difficult to pay attention in class, but I also wanted to look impressive in her eyes, so I raised my hand whenever I had the chance, trying to catch her eye.

I lacked the courage to go up to her and make it clear how I felt. But a passing comment, a clipped conversation was enough for me. I enjoyed every microspasm of her attention, no matter how fickle it was, because I enjoyed seeing her distracted. Every second with her was enough, until it wasn’t.

A friend of mine had introduced her to me as if this woman hadn’t taken up 65% of my thoughts throughout the day. And all I could think was, ‘Wow, this school is small.’ She was the cutest little thing ever. Every sentence, history, and experience with her felt like a new world. A world outside of the ordinary, a world where I felt full and joyful. This is when I learned the meaning of greed.

I grew apart from my old friends and started to hang around her circles. I wanted to become everything she knew. I didn’t want her to look anywhere else but at me. I wanted to take care of everything she will ever need in this life. I began to perform in life; grades didn’t matter; she did; time didn’t matter, only hers.

We began to date. A myriad of experiences fell into my lap. My life felt fuller for some reason. I had always been adventurous and had a life full of experiences before her. But everything with her felt new, whether I had done it before or not. A foreign smile had found itself on my face almost daily.

Pleasure became a regular delicacy in my daily life. Everything I hated about couples I began to do with her. She was my oasis. She was my breath. She was my everything. But like all good things, delicacies lose their unique flavor the more you partake. I started to see my anchor as a poison.

We started to argue. I resented her for her jealousy and insecurities. I regretted losing a group of friends for a performance that started to drain me. The mask I was wearing began to bite at my face, so I started to put it on less and less, and the more my real face started to show, the more we argued.

Her anger felt unrecognizable to me. I asked myself, ‘Is this truly my everything?’ I didn’t feel like I was enough for her. The illusion I had crafted of myself had long since broken and all that was left was a little boy who didn’t deserve her love. A boy who didn’t deserve to gaze at her beauty. To listen to her heartbeat. To breathe in the melody of her voice.

He was mine. When the world stood still, his eyes were constantly shifting, moving, watching. When the world lost its color, his being became a palette that colored its edges. When the world bared its fangs, his calmness stabilized me.

He was Raul. I had a mutual friend introduce me to him, and all I could think was, ‘His eyes are so beautiful.’ The reflections of the world in his eyes seemed so bright. I could feel his infatuation, and that feeling became addictive. He was the center of any room he walked into, and if he wasn’t, he made you aware of his presence.

We had met in history class. I didn’t want to pay attention, but my eyes landed on his form more times than I wanted to admit. He was always talking to someone, making them laugh, and think. I began to position myself in the place of that someone. I sat next to him in class, and I joined group projects with him. I wanted him to talk to me. I wanted his attention. This was enough.

Until it wasn’t. A girl liked him, I could tell. I didn’t know if he was aware, but that didn’t matter if I wasn’t in a position to stop it. I knew of a friend who was close to him and had them bring me up to where he hung out.

We started to date. I fell in love with his attention. The way his eyes made you feel like you were the only one in the world. The way his jokes felt like they were only for you. The way his smile meant more than he thought. I knew what those things meant to him. Because I knew what they meant to me. This is when I fell into my selfishness.

I didn’t want him showing what was mine to other people. He was mine now. No one else deserved him. His love. His attention. His jokes. He grew apart from his old friends, and that was the best thing that could happen to us. To me. All we did was hang out with each other. All of our time became about happiness, about laughter, about joy. His smile had become mine. I was all he needed.

Until I wasn’t. The shine in his eyes began to dim. The laughter in his voice began to fade. It became clear I wasn’t enough for him. The intoxicating feeling of who he saw me as stopped. I could only think, ‘He stopped loving me because he got to know me.’

I lashed out at him. I became jealous of the girls he had just met. ‘How could they deserve his smile, when I didn’t?’ I resented him for putting me on a pedestal and allowing me to fall. I didn’t recognize his apathy. I wanted the man I had fallen in love with. I wanted to be enough for him again.

I don’t think he sees me anymore.

Raul stood alone in their shared bedroom, folding up his clothes into his bag. He was leaving. Looking at a shirt she had gifted to him, he hesitated.

“You can take that with you,” Emma stood at the entrance of the room, hands crossed, chewing her inner lip.

Raul glanced up. Slowly, he placed the shirt in his bag, “…thank you.” He moved to the other side of the room, gathering what was his.

“Aren’t you going to talk to me?” Emma moved closer, standing behind Raul.

“What is there to talk about?” Raul moved around her, eyes locked onto the floor. Emma blocked his path, forcing Raul to look into her eyes.

“You hurt me,” Tears slowly streamed down Emma’s face as she searched Raul’s eyes for a reaction.

Raul scoffs, watching her eyes, “I hurt you? Am I the one starting arguments? Am I the one throwing out hurtful words every chance I get?”

“That’s because you don’t love me!” Emma wipes her tears, hands balling into fists.

“All I’ve ever done is love you, Emma! No matter your faults, no matter how insane you get, I’ve always loved you.” Raul moves around her, dumping the rest of his items into the bag.

“You don’t show it. You never do. You never do things to show it.” Emma follows after him as he moves around the room.

“I’ve always been this way,” Raul turns to her hand against his chest, “You just have come to realize that I’m not enough for you.”

“I don’t think you aren’t enough,” Emma holds his face in her hands as a new set of tears threatens to fall.

Emma and Raul stare at each other. Raul bends down, and their lips meet. A crash of emotions passes through them both. Passion ignites within them, their hands dance throughout each other’s bodies as they greedily grab hold of the other’s clothes. A long moment becomes short in retrospection.

They separate. They stare into each other’s eyes, and the feelings of passion slowly ebb away, replaced by unfamiliarity. The moment of passion had made both of them hesitate. The moment stood as fragile as an egg on the edge of a cliff; neither wanted to dispel the moment.

“Why did you text that girl?” Emma is the first to speak.

Raul pauses, almost confused at the change in subject and the timing, “Did you go through my phone?” A mocking smile appears on Raul’s face.

“Answer me!” Emma snapped, her hands tightened on Raul’s shirt. “…raul…”

“I texted her. I knew you would go through my phone; in fact, I waited for it, Emma.” Bitterness slipped out of his voice.

“That’s fucking ridiculous.” A bile-filled laugh came out of Emma’s throat. Letting go of Raul, she backs away.

“Think what you want to think.” Raul grabbed his bag and left the room.

“Fuck you, Raul. You don’t want to admit you cheated on me to yourself because you’re really just an insecure little boy, with the emotional maturity of a fucking rock,” Emily throws a crumpled piece of paper at Raul.

The piece of paper hits Raul in the arm and falls to the floor. Emily’s eyes stay locked onto it. Raul bends over and picks it up. It was pictures of them in a photo booth; they each had a copy, and she had just thrown hers. Raul smooths out the photo and places it on the table beside him.

“Fuck you, Emma. I’m leaving,” Raul exits the apartment, hardly looking back.

“I’m breaking up with you, Raul! You’re not leaving me, I’m kicking you out!” Emma yells at him from behind the open door.

“You won’t be the first, and you won’t be the last, Emma.” Rauls shoots back.

“Fuck you!” Emma slams the door in his face.

Staring at the shut door, my retort lost its meaning before it left my mouth. I had the sudden urge to knock on the door and ask for forgiveness. A deep sense of regret passed through me in waves. I could hardly stand. A shake of my head brought me back into form. Heading outside, a feeling that I had forgotten something with her crawled into my senses. Ignoring the feeling, I shut my eyes, ‘Goodbye, Emma.”

Staring at the shut door, a feeling of being lost crashed into me. I stared at Raul through the peephole of the door. I waited for him to knock, to leave, to do anything. But time seemed to stretch as he stood there, alone. I wanted nothing more than to open the door and work through things with him. But before I could, he sighed and walked away. The full weight of the world came crashing down on me. Silence was all I was met with. A sob escaped my throat, ‘Goodbye.’