FEELD Wand

She didn’t believe in miracles when she looked at herself in the mirror. She was 38 and hadn’t had a boyfriend in two years. She brushed her teeth and said, “I am going to die alone, and that’s fine. That’s totally fine.” Her hair was blonde, wet, and wrapped. Her breasts had little freckles across them, and one boob was bigger than the other, though no one noticed. No one had seen her without a shirt on in months, and she wondered if they were starting to sag. Every tattoo was a mistake. Every tattoo was done the year she turned 18, and ever since then, she has believed everything she did was a mistake. Her Father believed in her, but he was gone. Her Mother told her she was too old to have children, and made more money when she was her age, and still managed to raise three children. Despite her skin care routine, she still got zits, but her skin was smooth thanks to the mushroom elixir and sunscreen she believed in. It was time for new pants. She grabbed her stomach and let it flop.

The lobby was big and red. Laura was already waiting for her, sitting on a sofa beneath a large mirror, staring at her phone, and then talking as soon as Karla was close enough.

Laura was a brunette with a boyfriend but was still on dating apps. She was young.

“Did you sleep well?”

“Meh.”

“When did you go to bed?”

“I don’t know. I kept waking up. Can I ask you a question, and can you be brutally honest? Are my lips dry?”

Laura looked up from her phone and studied Karla’s lips. She thought they were dry, knew they were dry. Thought so the night before, though she said they were succulent in the photobooth.

“Here.”

“Really?”

“Mine were bad this morning, too.”

“Are you texting John?”

“Yeah.”

“What did you tell him?”

“He doesn’t care.”

“How do you guys do it?”

“What?”

“Sleep around. You never get jealous?”

“Hell no.”

Ten years younger but part of the same show. They were in San Francisco at the right time. Los Angeles was burning hot, but in the lobby and outside, it was cool. They complemented each other’s jean jackets, an uncoordinated choice. Their jeans were black, too, and they both wore Converse, but Laura’s were red, and Karla’s were white and dirty. They were very different children, and the doors slid open, and a fog rolled in from the bay. Laura had never seen such clouds or snow. Karla broke her wrist snowboarding the year before. Karla went for a walk every day. Laura would ask John from the couch to get them kombucha.

The girls walked down the gum and cigarette butt-ridden sidewalks of Chinatown. They walked uphill, toward the tall buildings that looked further than they actually were. Many homeless men looked at their butts.

“Do you think you’ll marry John? Are you guys the marriage type?”

“I don’t know. Half the time, I wonder why I’m even with him.”

“Why are you with him?”

Laura shook her head and then looked at Karla.

“I don’t know. I really don’t. I should break up with his ass.”

Karla laughed, but it was quickly dampened by the sensitivity created by the prior night's activities. Laura just made a face.

“Sorry.”

“Are you feeling like I’m feeling?”

“It’s growing.”

“Day drinks?”

“Yeah! We are off tonight.”

The mood had changed. They had something to look forward to that would make them feel the way they did the night before, and the night before. Each night, Laura ended up in the arms of a stranger, passionately making out on this very sidewalk when the bars closed. Karla would wait, not wanting to walk alone at 2 AM.

They settled on Mexican and ordered margaritas, and by the second one, they were besties again.

“How do you do it? Just get on FEELD and get fucked,” said Laura.

Karla tied her hair back, exposing her dark roots.

“I know, I know.”

“I get cranky after a few weeks.”

“I know, I know.”

“You have a wand, right?”

Karla laughed again.

“I’m practically married to it.”

“Do you think you’re getting desensitized?”

“Maybe. I love it though when they go in, and I got the wand going too.”

“John doesn’t like the wand. Thinks it’s his enemy.”

“It’s a partnership.”

“That’s what I said!”

“Do you guys use toys at all?”

“No, not really. I just like getting fucked.”

“Shut. Up.”

“Sometimes, when John’s not home, I do bust out the rabbit.”

“Is it better?”

“At least I cum.”

They both took a drink.

“I’ll be right back,” said Laura.

While she was in the bathroom, Karla tried to remember the last time a man had made her cum, and the years lowered her shoulders, and as soon as Laura returned, Karla told her she never thought she’d ever date anyone again.

“Where are all the men?”

“Get. On. FEELD. It’s the new hinge.”

“I thought Hinge was better for dating?”

“Hinge is like Tinder now. FEELD is like Hinge.”

“What’s the new FEELD?”

“Oh, FEELD is still freaky, but I must warn you. I pay to see my likes, and I have over 4,000 of them. You will receive an avalanche of likes. It’s nearly impossible to go through them all.”

“Is that where you met John?”

“Yeah, we both had open to poly, and his pictures were cute, and you got a sense he was funny, and fun.”

Karla grabbed her phone and downloaded FEELD. Laura had never looked happier in her life with a straw in her mouth.

“Thousands of likes,” she said.

“Help me pick some pictures.”

“Well, that one for sure. Do you have any of you at the beach?”

“Dangle the carrot.”

Laura had selected all of Karla’s photos, wrote her bio, and wrote what Laura was into.

“Thousands upon thousands,” she said again.

“What now?”

“Just you wait.”

“I’m ugly.”

“No, you are not.”

“I feel ugly and fat. Like a gross troll.”

“Hold on, they're about to come.”

But none did, and the longer they waited, the more convinced Laura was that something was wrong with the app. She took her phone and scrolled around. Karla grabbed her stomach and cried.

“I’m a troll.”

“Something’s wrong.”

“Give me back my phone.”

“Redownload it.”

But then John texted Laura, and whatever he wrote consumed her attention. Karla received a like that consumed her attention.

“It’s working!” she said, but quickly backpedaled when she saw that it was John. She had milliseconds to decide, and she couldn’t believe that she kept her mouth shut. Laura looked horrified.

“He’s breaking up with me.”

“Who?”

“John, who else?”

“Well, you guys are in an open relationship, right?”

“We were, but he’s totally breaking up with me!”

“Let me see.”

“Look!”

Karla read his text. He said they needed some space.

“Well, you were going to break up with him, right?”

“But now he’s breaking up with me! He was the love of my life!”

“You’re young. You’ve made out with more guys on this trip than I have in the past two years.”

“It’s John, though!”

Karla looked at her phone and smiled. He was cute, and Laura took great photos of him.

“What the fuck,” said Laura. “I want John!”

“But you were just laughing about breaking up with him!”

“You were! You’re always so noisy and loud in the morning!”

“We’re in San Francisco!”

“Are you getting likes?”

“No, I got to redownload the app, I think.”

“You'd better. You need to get fucked, babe. I miss John. You’ll understand once you meet him.”

“I’m sure I will.”