Beautiful Despair

I woke up before my alarm. The sunlight pouring through my curtains painted my room gold,

and for a moment I simply lay there smiling at the ceiling.

Today felt special. I didn’t know why. It just did. I threw off my blankets and hurried to my closet.

After several minutes of searching, I settled on my favorite white dress. The one that twirled

when I spun. The one that made me feel pretty. Especially if he happened to see me. I

showered, brushed my hair, and carefully put on my makeup. By the time I made it downstairs,

my parents were already sitting at the table.

“Good morning!” I chirped.

Neither of them looked up. Mom stared into her coffee. Dad was reading something on his

phone.

“Good morning…

” I puffed out my cheeks.

Nothing, and honestly, sometimes they could be so weird. And I do love them. They brought me

into the world. Yet again, no toast. Every morning they forgot my toast.

I sighed dramatically, grabbed my bag,

“See you later!” I said. Still nothing. I rolled my eyes, headed toward the door, and stepped

outside.

The morning air was cool and fresh. Birds chirped from somewhere nearby. The trees swayed

gently in the breeze. It was beautiful. Just like every day. The coffee shop sat on the corner of

Maple and Third. My favorite place in town. Not because of the coffee, but because of him.

I slowed as I reached the front window, there he was, Jaeden Oliver. The barista. Dark hair.

Green eyes. A warm smile. Sleeves rolled neatly to his elbows.

He was helping a customer, laughing at something they said. My heart immediately forgot how

to function. I hurried inside and joined the line. When it was finally my turn, I stepped forward.“Hi.

”

He looked up, smiled politely then nodded.

That was enough. I immediately turned around and fled the building. Outside, I pressed both

hands against my face.

“Oh my gosh.

”

He smiled at me. Jaeden smiled. At me.

The rest of the day passed in a blur. I wandered around town humming to myself, occasionally

circling back to the coffee shop to steal another glance through the window. Every time I saw

him, my heart did something stupid. Near closing time, he finally left.

Curious, I followed. A few blocks later he stopped outside a clothing store. He stood there for a

long moment staring through the glass before pulling out his phone.

Click.

He took a picture. After he left, I hurried over. A dress. A beautiful white dress displayed in the

window. Elegant, simple, and pretty. I checked my pockets. Nothing. I got no money. Still,

maybe I could make something similar. Maybe he’d like it.

The next morning began exactly the same way. Sunshine. Excitement. The feeling that

something wonderful was waiting for me. I got dressed, hurried downstairs, and found my

parents at the table. Still no toast.

“Seriously?” I sighed. Neither of them responded.

I grabbed my bag and headed out. The coffee shop. The smile. The nod. The burning cheeks.

Everything exactly as it should be. Later that day, I followed him again. This time he stopped at

a bakery. He stared through the display window. Then pulled out his phone.

Click.

He took a picture. A dress. A cake. What was he planning?The following morning I arrived at the coffee shop only to find him talking to someone in the

back. I sat near the window and waited patiently.

A little boy suddenly appeared beside me.

“Hi,

” he giggled.

“Hi there,

” I smiled.

“For you,

” he said, holding out a single white rose.

“For me?” I blinked. He nodded. I accepted it carefully.

“Thank you, you're so sweet.

” The moment I looked up, I saw Jaeden leaving the shop.

“Oh!” I jumped to my feet and hurried after him.

“Bye-bye, pretty lady!” the boy called, eagerly waving.

The rose slipped from my lap and remained on the chair behind me, forgotten.

One afternoon he stopped outside a flower shop and spent several minutes staring at the white

roses on display. He didn’t buy any, he simply looked, then he left. I followed.

Confused, curious, a little obsessed, if I was being honest. That night I decided enough was

enough. I was going to ask him out. I spent hours in the kitchen trying to bake. The recipe made

absolutely no sense. Everything came out wrong and now the cake was awful. I stared at the

disaster on the counter.

Then I remembered a box of cupcakes from the cupboards.

“Good enough.

”

The next morning I woke up practically vibrating with excitement. I chose my prettiest dress, and

surprisingly, it was a similar design to the one from the store. I packed the cupcakes carefully

and fixed my makeup twice.

Today was the day. I could feel it. I rushed downstairs. My parents sat at the table. And still, no

toast. Honestly. Unbelievable.“I’m heading out!” I called. No answer. I laughed and left anyway.

The town looked beautiful beneath the morning sunlight. Everything felt brighter somehow.

When I reached the bus stop, I saw Jaeden standing there. Perfect. My heart nearly exploded.

“Hello, Jaeden!” I called out excitedly and began running towards him.

A bus pulled up. The doors opened. A girl stepped out. And I stopped. She was wearing the

dress. The exact same dress from the store window. My smile disappeared. The girl walked

directly toward him, and he smiled. Not the polite smile. Not the customer's smile. A different

smile, a softer one. Something twisted painfully inside my chest.

The two of them walked away together. I followed. Of course I followed. All day, through parks,

through shops, through quiet streets. They laughed together, talked together, shared food, and

shared stories.

Every time she touched his arm, I became more irritated.

Why was she with him?”

“Who was she? Why was she here?

The sun slowly drifted lower in the sky until everything was painted orange. Eventually they

reached a grassy hill overlooking town. The wind moved gently through the tall grass. They

were talking and laughing together. I couldn’t take it anymore. I marched straight toward them.

“Who are you?!”

Nothing, neither reacted. My chest tightened.

“Hey!”

Nothing, I stepped directly between them.

“LOOK AT ME!” I reached for the girl’s shoulder. My hand passed straight through her. I froze.

“What? No.

” I tried again.

Nothing, then again. Nothing. Then again, and again.

My breathing became shallow as my heart pounded.“No. NO. NO!” I stumbled backward. Then I noticed something beside me. Flowers. A

photograph. A stone. A familiar stone.

Slowly, I looked down.

The cupcakes sat neatly at the base.

A bouquet of flowers rested beside them. Among the arrangements was a single white rose.

The same rose, the one the little boy had given me.

My breath caught. My eyes drifted toward the photograph. Toward the smiling girl. Toward the

name carved beneath it.

Amelia Monroe.

It was my name.

The world became silent. The missing toast, the unanswered greetings, the empty pockets, the

strange looks, the silence. Everything made sense.

Those smiles that were never meant for me. All of it crashed into place at once.

I stared at the photograph, at the dates, at the flowers, at the grave, at myself. For a long time, I

couldn’t move, couldn't think, couldn’t breathe.

Jaeden eventually stood and the girl in the white dress stood with him. He picked up the white

rose and held it against his chest. For a moment, he closed his eyes, as though remembering,

as though missing someone, as though loving them still.

I remembered when that smile belonged to me.

Then he turned and began walking away. The girl followed soon after.

The sunset painted everything gold. The wind lifted the edge of my dress. I bent down and

picked up the white rose, clutching it close to my chest. A tear slowly ran down as I watched

them disappear down the hill.

For the first time in a very long time, I didn’t follow.