no going back now

While I lay there bleeding all over the floor, you crinkled your nose at the mess, as if waiting for me to clean it up. You exhaled and said “I will come back when you calm down”. 

Maybe he didn’t notice the blood, rippling pain from my body, I tried to comfort myself.

I felt so cold and alone. 

When I walked in the living room he was watching the game. Not even looking at me, he asked “What would you like to do for dinner?” I stood there stunned. Did the conversation just half an hour earlier not happen? We never finished it, but it seemed like he would rather choose to pretend nothing happened. I chose to go with it, “I don’t know. What would you like?”

Still not looking at me he said, “Make something you like, I will adjust”. 

I was not feeling hungry. I went to the kitchen anyway.

Practiced movements sliced an onion, set it on the pan while my mind was somewhere else. When dinner was ready I prepared 2 plates and set them on the table. “Dinner is ready!” I called. No answer. I walked into the living room seeing Alex still watching the game. 

“Alex, dinner is ready”

“I heard you, let me finish watching,” he gritted out. 

I walked back to the table and started eating the food alone, still not hungry. When I was done he came, sat down and ate in silence. I put the dishes away, and went to get ready for sleep. He joined me later, without saying a word, turned his back to me and fell asleep. I listened to his rhythmic breathing while sobbing quietly. 

In the morning he barely acknowledged me. It started to be our new routine. I went with my day, he went with his. 

In the middle of the day I asked him to talk to me, but he told me to wait after he finished his work, as he was too busy. 

I couldn’t focus on my own work, waiting for him to finally come and talk with me. Hoping he would listen this time.

I have prepared notes, not to forget what I had to say. When I started speaking, telling what I needed to say, he interrupted me.

“What is this? I feel like it’s an interview. Put those away!” He took the notes from my hands and threw them in the garbage. 

I started crying but tried my best to reason with him, begging him to listen to me. 

For a moment he seemed understanding, “I hear you, but what you are asking is against my principles. I would lose myself.” 

You would rather lose me then, I thought to myself.

“It hurts me that even knowing it makes me feel uncomfortable, you keep chatting with your ex girlfriend constantly.” I repeated.

“I know it’s hard for you to understand, as you never ended a relationship on good terms, but I don’t just throw people out of my life because somebody asks me to. We are just friends. We have shared a lot, and if she needs my help, I will always be there for her.”

It hurt to hear that. Maybe it’s reasonable, maybe it’s not, but I felt unimportant to him. It felt like he was still not fully invested in our own relationship.

“I can’t pretend to be okay with it.” 

He nodded, “I know. I’m sorry.”

A sob escaped my throat, “I can’t continue to be in this relationship.”

“Oh..” Alex said and sat there for a while quiet. 

“I understand. I hope we can still be friends”, he said finally. 

I didn’t reply and left the room, crying. I packed my things and went to the door to leave back to my own apartment.

“Wait, let me help you!” Without giving me a choice he grabbed a bag and walked me to my car. 

The next day I kept wondering if I made the right decision. What if I’m just being jealous and I’m the weird one for not understanding it, not understanding how people can have platonic relationships with their ex partners.

I wrote him a message explaining how I’m hurting, he told me again that he was sorry and that he will be there for me if I need anything. 

A day after he wrote to me asking how my day went, told me about his day and that he “sends me warm hugs”.

A few days later he wrote to me “Can we talk?” 

We talked on the phone for 2 hours, he apologised to me and said that he missed me and would like to try again. He promised to be more open and honest with me, to consider my feelings more. Of course, no mention of not talking to his ex, but I ignored it. Maybe he will stop by himself if he knows it hurts me. 

He seemed changed, he hugged and kissed me more, seemed to pay more attention to me, to listen more. My heart swelled in happiness. But a dark cloud kept casting shadow over my mind. I pushed it away. 

Two weeks later I came to give him a morning kiss and noticed an unopened message in his phone, he quickly put the phone away. I saw who the message was from. A quick stab of pain went through my body. I pulled away and walked to the other room. I couldn’t believe this.

Alex followed me. “What would you like for breakfast?” he asked. I started crying, he still didn’t address the issue until I brought it up myself.

“You are still talking to her.” It wasn’t a question.

“Yes, of course, I told you I don’t cut people out of my life.” He said matter of factly. 

“I thought.. I thought after everything we discussed and when you said you understand how it hurts me..” I trailed off.

“I’m sorry, but I never told you I would stop talking to her. Now you ask me to cut her out. What’s next? You will ask me to cut out other female friends because you find them beautiful or too close to me. It’s against my values. I would lose who I am”. 

“Why did you come back then, when you knew I couldn't live with it?” I cried, while he stood there looking at me compassionately. 

“Because I really like you. I want to be with you. But I have my limits too.”

I felt so foolish, like it was my fault for not asking this directly. 

“I am just being honest with you,” he continued, “it was already going against my principles that I had to hide it from you. I am not that kind of person”

This stung even more. He really couldn’t see why what he did was wrong.

I left once more. He looked surprised by me leaving but again offered to stay friends. I didn’t want to be friends with him, but it hurt so much to lose him completely.

He kept texting me casually. With every text that came it felt like maybe finally he would understand me. Maybe finally he would choose me and leave his ex in the past. 

I started to notice how much I’m holding onto that hope, how much I keep waiting for him, feeling so anxious waiting for his texts. 

It had to stop. I had to move on with my life. I told him repeatedly that I don’t want to be his friend, to which he replied “I will be here for you no matter what if you ever need me. I am your friend.” It just made me angrier. I knew I needed him completely out of my life. I was abandoning myself waiting for him, knowing he won’t change, but hoping anyway.

I blocked him. Unblocked him. I deleted the chat history. Blocked him again. Deleted his number.

“Hey, are you okay? Want to meet for coffee?” He emailed me one day. It felt like my heart was ripped open once again after I had worked so hard to mend it. 

I found him in my blocked contacts list and unblocked him. 

“Please, stop writing to me” I texted.

“I care about you, I want you in my life,” he replied.

“I hate you!” I wrote.

“I don’t know why you are so angry with me, but I’m here for you,” he replied.

“Listen, I don’t care about you anymore. I don’t want you in my life, Alex.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“I really do. I never liked you that much. I got attached, but now that my emotions are settled I actually feel disgusted by you. I feel disgusted by how you treated me. But also, I don’t like you as a person. The truth is, I only used you as a rebound to get over my ex. Thank you, but I don’t need you anymore.” It was a lie of course, but there’s no going back now. 

“That was really hurtful, I thought you were a good person, but I’m not sure anymore.” He replied and it was hard to keep me from apologising and telling him that I didn’t really mean it. But I knew I had to do this. This had to end. For good. 

“I’m sorry we can’t end this on good terms as you wished, but I don’t want to be friends with a person I don’t like nor respect.” I continued. 

I really felt like a bad person. I kept reminding myself that I have to do this for myself. I have to let go of hope. Even if I knew nothing will change, I kept wishing, I kept imagining. I can’t do that to myself anymore. I had to say these things. They were untrue, I really wished he would show up at my door with roses and apologise. It was a silly wish knowing he never even bought flowers for me. 

After he didn’t reply, I wrote “I really deserve much better. Please, don’t ever write to me again. I will block you everywhere. Goodbye, Alex.”

“Goodbye. :( “ He messaged. I deleted the chat, his number, and cried myself to sleep. 

It was so hard not to reach out. I kept thinking if I did the right thing. I cried and wanted him to comfort me, even knowing that he didn’t comfort me while we were together. He usually left me alone with my feelings. It was a bizarre fantasy that he would comfort me now. 

After a few days I met friends for brunch. We chatted, laughed, and on the way home I realised it was the first time I felt good and didn’t think about Alex for many hours. The progress felt good. But in the evening I was again overthinking the “what ifs”.

Each day I observed the pain lessening and my body feeling lighter. I regained my appetite. I started thinking of my own dreams and plans that didn’t involve him. I felt so proud of myself. I felt like a light had sparked and brightened in my chest. I had more energy to do things, I didn’t need to push myself out of the bed in the morning anymore. 

With this new energy I went alone to a networking event. I found myself talking to a group of people that have read the same book series as I had. I went home energised. I had exchanged my contact information with a few people from the event. 

“Hello! This is Marcius from yesterday’s event.” I looked at the text and smiled. There was a warm feeling in my chest that I didn’t know was possible to feel again.