Hungry every day

I am hungry every day. I don't want to get fat. My mother is fat, and I am disgusted when I look at her. I eat three apples a day. I try to make sure that the apples are as small as possible. One trick I learned, to feel full, is to drink hot water. I always carry around a bottle that is filled to the brim with hot water. Sometimes, to feel full, I will eat bananas. However, bananas have more calories than apples. I try to limit the number of bananas I eat.

At mealtimes, I hide how little I am eating. It is easy to do. You just take a couple of bites, and move the food around your plate. Then, you just have to use a napkin to cover what you haven't eaten. I have learned that people can be really dumb, and don't notice how much someone else eats.

It is important to exercise every day. It doesn't matter how tired you feel, or even if you are sick. I always feel better after I exercise. I do 500 sit-ups a day. I know you probably won't believe me, but this is true. I also do 1,000 jumping jacks a day. I know what you're thinking: There's no way I can do that many jumping jacks every day. It's easy, really. All I have to do is 500 in the morning, and 500 before I go to bed at night.

I am very quiet when I exercise. I don't want my parents to know how much I exercise. They might try to stop me from exercising. Without exercise, I will gain a ton of weight. Last night, I heard my parents talking about me. My mom said: "Do you think she's like Patty?" Patty is my aunt. She looks like a skeleton. I do not want to look like her, but I don't want to be fat.

My father said something very softly that I couldn't hear. Then, they both started to walk up the stairs. I quickly jumped under the quilt on my bed, just in case they decided to check on me. It was winter, and I was very cold. I put three more blankets on top of my quilt. I finally felt warm and drifted off to sleep.

The next morning, at the breakfast table, my father said: "Michelle, there's something we need to talk to you about."

I was very worried. Did they know I was trying not to be fat?

My mother reached out her hand to touch me, but I leaned way back in my chair so she couldn't.

My Dad continued talking. "We know that you haven't been eating, and we are going to get you some help."

My mother had taken the bathroom scale, and it was now in the kitchen.

"Would you get on the scale?" said my father.

"Okay," I said. If I did what they said, maybe they wouldn't find out about the exercise I was doing. The scale said 70 pounds. I was five foot and four inches tall. Both my parents looked worried. "We're going to get you a counselor," they said.

The first session with the counselor was very strange. She was a woman with grey hair, and she was wearing an embroidered vest with a skirt. I couldn't tell how old she was. She asked me a lot of questions, but I didn't know what to say to her. She was a stranger.

Once, she said: "Aren't periods gross? I'll bet you're happy you don't have to deal with that."

I was silent. I had no opinions about periods. I knew that I would get a period one day, when I gained weight. To gain weight, I had to make my mind work backwards. Instead of eating a little, I ate a lot. Instead of doing a lot of exercise, I did a small amount of movement.

On the refrigerator, there was a magnetic notepad. Everyday, I listed the foods I ate, the portion sizes, and the number of calories. Every day, I was supposed to eat 2,500 calories. At first, this was hard. The counselor told me that my stomach had shrunk. Later, around Christmas time, I remember being so happy to eat crackers and cheddar cheese. My body and mind were completely satisfied.

I also ate a lot of fat-free yogurt, and low-fat frozen yogurt. My mom would get upset with me when I would carefully measure half a cup of black cherry frozen yogurt. I wished that she would understand that I could only eat the yogurt if I measured it, first. Once, I stared at myself in the mirror and saw a skeleton looking back at me. Was I going to die? I started to cry.

"I don't want to die," I told my mother. My mother cradled me in her lap. "You aren't going to die," she said. I believed her. Every day I gained more and more weight. I found that I didn't get fat. I reached a final weight of 120 pounds.

When my mom talked to my grandma, she would always announce my weight. I felt like a prize fish being fussed over. I didn't tell my mom that I was embarrassed by her talking about my weight with my grandmother. I was afraid my mom would be mad at me.

I was fourteen years old at this time, and I became a normal teenager. I was happy, and developed my first crush on a teenaged boy. His name was Johnny. and he was completely handsome. I didn't tell him how I felt about him, but I always hoped he would guess. I always dressed carefully when I knew that I would see him.

Once, at church, Johnny came up and talked to me. I didn't know what to say, but that was okay. Johnny did most of the talking. Later, my mother said: "I noticed Johnny talking to you." Then, she smiled. I was very embarrassed, but said nothing. I didn't want my mom to find out about my crush.

With my counselor, I was able to admit that I had anorexia, and that I was doing a great job of recovering. I was back to my normal self, and enjoyed reading, movies, and fashion. The best part about my recovery was that I was never hungry again.