The Last Goodbye

I can't keep walking. I can't willingly walk into the room where it all has to end. I can't utter the last painful goodbye as I walk away and out the door.

But that doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because I'm never going to see him again. It doesn't matter because his whole family is here, and if I walk out without a word, they'll just resent me. Or worse, follow me and force me to go back.

They don't understand. They don't get how hard this is. It's not just saying goodbye to a dog, even though God knows how hard that was. This is Everett. This is my other half.

When he's gone...I don't even know. I don't want to think about it.

But he asked for me. He asked that I come and say goodbye.

And that's the only reason I'm putting one foot in front of the other, silently walking toward what's going to be the most heartbreaking moment of my life.

I stop right in front of the hospital room door. Not yet. I just need a minute. Maybe 5.

I close my eyes and take a deep, shaky breath. The smell of hand sanitizer and whatever antiseptic they use to clean this place fills my senses, and I pinch the bridge of my nose.

I feel the sting of tears behind my closed eyes and take another breath. I can't. Not yet.

I open my eyes, and my hand twists the doorknob.

There's nobody in here, other than Everett. He's lying on the bed, head turned away from me, looking out of the window.

My heart squeezes at the sight of his face--or, what I can see. I can only see half of it, since he's turned away, but I can see the sadness there. The longing to be outside.

He loved being outside. When he was strong enough, we used to walk around the hospital grounds. They have a small garden with a koi pond, and a cherry blossom tree, complete with a small wooden bridge. It felt like you were stepping right into a part of Japan.

He loved it. Always has.

One time, I brought his camera, at his request, and it hurt watching him scroll through the photos he had taken before he'd gotten sick. His life before this shadow of death loomed over him.

As I watch him now, my only wish is that when he reaches wherever it is people go when they die, he will be surrounded by trees, ponds, and plants--all of it.

I stopped wishing for him to get better a long time ago.

I close the door and quietly walk over to his bedside. "Hey, you," I say softly. I pull out a chair and sit, resting my hands on the blanket.

He doesn't turn to me, but continues watching the clouds outside. "Hey."

I miss when he would turn to me as if I were the only bright thing in his life. Back when, I could fake a smile and a cheery persona.

I grab his hand, ignoring the concerning coldness that meets the warmth of mine. "How you doin'?" It's a stupid question, but I ask him every time, and most times it earns me a small smile.

Finally, he turns to me, and I see the tears in his eyes for the first time since I got here. He squeezes my hand softly, and I wrap his cold hand in mine.

"Oh, you know. Just peachy." He smiles at me as he says it, and I break. The tears spill down my face, and I bury my head in his blankets, my shoulders shaking as the grief consumes me.

I feel his hand on my head, his fingers running through my hair softly as he tries to soothe me. "Shh...it's okay. I'm here."

I shake my head. Nothing's okay. He won't be here tomorrow. Or the day after. Or any day after.

"Why...why are you leaving me? I can't..." My tears drowned out anything I was going to say, and I can't breathe.

I feel his hands pulling my arms up gently, and I take the cue, crawling into the small hospital bed and curling against him, shaking.

"Blair...please look at me." I can't. I can't see the light filtering out of his big brown eyes, the eyes that used to dance with playfulness and look at me lovingly.

He uses his finger to tilt my chin up, and I have no choice but to meet his gaze.

He's crying too, tears slowly making their way down his cheeks.

"I don't want to leave you, baby. If there was anything I could do to stay here with you until we're 80 years old and hoarding your cats, I'd do it." His voice is a whisper, and just barely laced with the same playfulness that I'd grown to love.

"It hurts, Ev. I don't want to grow old without you. I don't want to fall in love with anyone else. I want you...only you." Tears are blurring my vision, and I blink quickly, willing them to go away.

He smiles and runs his thumb over my bottom lip, and then cups my face between his hands and strokes my cheeks with his thumbs.

"You know what I'm going to say, Blair," And he's right. I do know, but I don't want to.

"I want you to fall in love again, princess. You deserve someone who can be with you for your whole life. Someone who will make you happy and hold you in their arms every night, telling you they love you."

"I wish that could be me, Blair. I really freaking do. But we both know that I can't." I start crying again, softer this time, and he pulls me to him.

"I'm always going to be with you. You know that. I wouldn't let go of my best girl that easily. You just have to remember me. Right...here." He taps my chest, right where my heart is. "Can you do that for me?" I take a shaky breath in and nod. "Yes."

"Thank you. I love you so much it hurts." He presses a soft kiss to my lips, and I get lost in what could have been.

I know what's coming next, but I want--no, I need to stay in this moment. Forever.

He breaks away and looks at me with those eyes. I'm going to miss those eyes.

He brushes a tear away and shifts me a little.

"What are you thinking, baby?"

I shake my head slightly and hiccup. "I'm thinking I don't want to say what you want me to."

He's silent for a moment, and after what feels like a full minute of silence, I look up at him. His eyes are filled with something I can't name. Sorrow?

"Blair." My name on his lips. I memorise the way he says it.

Suddenly, he's hugging me hard, burying his head in my mess of hair.

I wrap my arms around him, my heart breaking again. Please, God. Don't let this be it.

"I know you don't want to say it." No. I really don't. We can just stay like this. He hugs me like there's no tomorrow, because in reality, there really isn't.

"I know you don't want to say it...so I will." I freeze, my heart beating faster. No. No, he won't.

"Everett...please...no." He doesn't let me look up, keeping his head buried in my hair.

"Blair Housener, I have loved you since I was a scrawny 14-year-old helping your dad with your fence that I broke trying to catch a baseball. I have loved you for years. Your laugh, your smile, the way you cross your fingers when you see a shooting star. Even the fact that you steal the blankets when you sleep. I love every single thing about you, good or bad. I love you so much that..." I can't...no. I cover his mouth with my hand, eyes teary, and shake my head. His eyes fill with remorse, and he gently removes my hands, holding them between his.

"I love you so much that I'm willing to let you go."

That sentence. It's goodbye.

"You can't hold on to me forever, Princess. All stories end for a reason, remember? I'll be with you all the time. You just gotta remember me."

I nod my head slowly. "I'll never forget you."

He smiles as he looks down at me. "I know. I won't ask you to say goodbye yet, because I know you can't. I'll wait for you, okay? One day, you'll come join me in our little sky paradise. One day. Just not today."

I hug him, and he hugs me, and we stay like that for what feels like eternity. All too soon, eternity ends.

He has to go. But I don't want to leave him. But I have to.

I squeeze him one last time, memorising this hug. His arms wrapped tightly around me, mine around him. Him burying his head in my hair. Me tucked against the crook of his neck.

I have to say them. The words I've been dreading.

I breathe in and then out, and I look at his brown eyes one last time.

"I'll love you forever. Even when I can't."