Restorative Sleep

Tick tock, tick, tock.  An ostinato, right?   It’s boring and it’s still not putting me to sleep.   I’ve had this since birth, and I don’t mean the clock.   I’ve done research on it since I’m smart.   It was not immense or anything, but I’m smarter than …Yogi Bear.  I could tell you the facts and fiction of insomnia.   It is true that reading has a soporific affect.   According to “Gemini”:   “Eye Strain & Muscle Fatigue: Focusing on small text requires continuous micro-movements from your extraocular muscles, while your ciliary muscles constantly adjust the eyes' lenses. Working these small muscles without a break creates physical fatigue around the eyes, signaling to your brain that it is time to rest.” 

    But artificial intelligence doesn’t know everything.  I’ve studied the circadian rhythm.   All the lights go out after 8 PM no digital devices including cell phone or tablet or computer or anything. It doesn’t help. Talk to my doctor. Talk to my shrink no liquids after 3 PM. I have an alarm on my phone no caffeine after 2 PM. I also have an alarm in my phone hasn’t helped.  Doctors don’t like prescribing controlled substances like zolpidem, but sometimes I can give them but sometimes they try to wean me off.  Maybe that’s why I’m awake. Maybe I’m an addict.   Counting sheep is a lie. It actually keep people more awake and most people know this, but not everyone.   Alcohol is not effective in getting REM sleep, which is the kind of sleep that restores us to awakeness.   Some studies say sex or masturbation can improve sleep in some. It will make us more focused and awake. There’s no conclusive evidence either way or maybe there’s conclusive evidence both ways it doesn’t matter.   The same massage can help a warm bath or shower eating can cause weight gain, but I can’t cause sleep depending on what I eat drinking milk we have to make sure you drink it before 3 PM.   Switch the decaf sometimes I think a gunshot would cost sleep, but only if it was in the right place.   Your studies to show that after 72 hours of no sleep someone is no longer responsible for their actions, but I keep getting two or three hours instead of staying up for 72.   

      Keep a pencil and paper by the side of the bed then write down anything that I need to remember so I don’t need to keep it in my head and keep focusing on it right in the dark.  I’ve gotten better matches different size matches bigger thread count on the sheets like thousand count for sheets instead of 300 it works for a while but then my mind and body get used to it and I can’t sleep again. I’ve tried stuffed animals I’ve tried live animals. I’ve tried humans it just get pissed off cause they’re trying to go to sleep and I keep keeping them awake except for the stuffed animals who don’t care

     I’ve tried brown noise. I’ve tried black noise. I’ve tried every color of noise you can imagine.   I’ve been to neurologist sleep experts hypnotist I’ve been to everyone and nothing works.   Tick tock tick tock tick tock.   You may need to unplug or take the batteries out of the clock maybe complete silence would make it so I could sleep better or maybe not.   Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results and if at first, you don’t succeed try try again.   I’ve kept sleep journals.   What time fell asleep what time I get up every night it’s about 3 to 4 hours.  They’ve had me keep food journals, caffeine journals go to coffee anonymous emotions anonymous.  I’ve been into so many anonymous programs. It’s like alphabet soup.  But I’m laying in bed awake staring at the ceiling hearing the music play. I tried tenting my forehead by lifting my eyebrows, tenting my eyes, and then releasing both tense muscle release muscle tense muscle release muscle. The tension is gone, but the sleep is still not there. I pray of my higher power to give me restorative sleep.   But my hair power doesn’t listen.  I think of what eat sense can do to get me to sleep, closing my eyes, relaxing, my eyes eye yoga, just noticing the tick tock. I don’t need the restroom. I’m not hungry. I’m not thirsty. I’m numb.  

     Make it unimportant whether or not I’ll get sleep don’t think about work. Don’t think about sleep. Just focus on the breath.   Tick tock  tick-tock tick-tock.  We always want what we don’t have.   Blind people wish they could see paralyzed people wish they could move and I just want a good night sleep   the medical Community won’t put me into a medically induce, because they say it’s not necessary and they’re easier ways to get sleep. I’ve tried OTC medication. I’ve tried prescription medication and nothing works.   Maybe if I got less sleep one night I’d get more sleep another night but it doesn’t work that way I just consistently get 3 to 4 hours of sleep.  

      I’ve tried reading bedtime stories.  Earlier in the day when the light so I could remember it I’ve tried calling friends who have the same problem I do, but after all methods fail, it’s just hopelessness according to Elizabeth Coobler Roth there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Wonder if it’s the same with metal illness no, I’m not an insomniac why am I an insomnia? , etc.   “The first episode, admitting that we’re powerless over insomnia that our lives have become a manageable.”    Right.  

        What am I thinking when I’m laying there nothing about all the things I’ve tried that haven’t worked. Yes I am thinking about those who have harm me or whoever resentment against sometimes in my cursing God for not giving me what everybody else has?  I’m guilty of that.  Am I thinking poor me?  Of course, sometimes people just need someone to bitch to and sometimes they need solutions. I need a solution so I open the night stand drawer then I take it out. I open it up and there were two left toilet around.   It has a hypnotic affect.    I’m going to sleep and no one’s going to disturb me and I’ll feel normal again. I hear the clock ticking.   Tick-tock, tick-tock, and I use it as a countdown like NASA does,: tick, ten, tick, 9, tick 8 . . . Until. . .