Apple Pie and My Last Words

1800 Hours

I hate politicians. My ol’ man said they were the devil. I have to agree now. Pa was an asshole, but there were a few things I learned from him. I became a great farmer, then I excelled in the slaughterhouse business. We made enough money to give Ma a wool coat and me a tractor. I was glad for that.

No one wants to be like me because I guess I am like my father now.

Like Father, like son, I guess.

I don’t think my younger sisters enjoyed the noises or the smells of that butcher barn. We were a small enterprise, and our neighbors knew when to come for their share of food for the winter. When I was a kid, I hated to run after my chickens and cut the heads off. My older cousins thought it was funny to have them runnin’ around without their heads on. They scared Ma, but she just beat the hell outa’ the cousins. Eggs and goats became the thing for the girls as they got older.

My ma was as strong as an ox. And sometimes looked like one when she was crazy mad. Which means she always looked like an ox. She loved Christmas, though. Maybe in her past life she was one of the oxen who stayed with Jesus at the manger. You never know, because that was when the fire and brimstone slowed down, and Baby Jesus was everywhere. She would yell at my sisters and I if we placed the homemade bread upside down. The hollering rang way passed the slaughterhouse. Through our catechism, we were taught that Jesus was the bread and wine at communion. Never understood that until my Ma would yell,

“NEVER PUT JESUS ON HIS BACK.” That mistake ended right there for sure.  

My Ma and Pa were inseparable as in their fists seemed to collide daily. We just went to our rooms, but if the table wasn’t set, or the dishes weren’t done, Ma would stop fighting to yell at us to finish our chores. I personally think she got hurt and was scared of Pa. He was a heavy fisted old farmer who hated life.

But he loved his whiskey.

And he loved his daughters.

Ma had a coffee can that she kept in that top drawer with lady stuff she would keep hidden from him. I used to find her night dresses and smell the perfume she would wear only at Christmas.

When I was older, mostly working nights at the slaughterhouse, Ma confessed some bad shit to me. She told me that she had a coffee can filled with money. I already knew, as I was a good sneak in the house.

She said, “help me send the girls to my brother’s house in Illinois so they can be safe, and get a proper education when they are ready. Please help me to do this.”

I understood, and why.

For the first time, Ma hugged me with those strong oxen arms and cried on my shoulder.

My sisters were now 15 and 16 years old. I stayed closer to the farmhouse at different times of the day by hiring the new slaughterman.

I helped them with their homework, and I learned more than I ever did in fifth grade, when I had to leave school to work on the farm full-time. They were lucky to get an education, but quite unlucky when my pa became an asshole at night to them.

It was after Christmas when I got my sisters to Illinois safe and sound. Now it was just the three of us, and Ma was getting the raw end of the deal.

Pa was getting worse and many times nearly punched out my ma to the point of her falling on the kitchen floor. She would look up at him. His barrel body staggering over her, like a building dropping its scaffolding, she would close her eyes squeezing the last tears she could afford.

He was angry that she sent them away to her brother’s house in Illinois to prepare for college at Wheaton.

I wasn’t home.

I could have helped.

On that last night, I returned to the farm from town. The farmhouse was dark with not a light on. The slaughterhouse was quiet. All I could see were the cats’ bright shiny eyes perched on top of the stairs as I walked in. I flicked on the lights to wake up the hallway.

There he was.

My dog Ralphie was breathing heavily as if he was crying. He had blood on his paws and his nose.

The rest of the farmhouse was dark like a solar eclipse, as the entryway light exuded eerie shadows passing throughout the house.  

The smell of whiskey and blood turned my stomach. To the left was the sitting room, and straight ahead was the kitchen, all dark with only the curtains’ shadows pacing to and fro from the open windows.

Where to go?

The kitchen.

I went to the kitchen where my ma took care of us even though her yelling and demands pissed us off, we knew better to love her.

Something was slippery on the kitchen floor.

I flicked on the kitchen lights.

The oxblood red was all over.

I was screaming and didn’t know it until my pa staggered into the kitchen from the sitting room.

I turned to the ol’ man, he, bloody with his bottle in hand, “did you do this to Mama? What the hell did you do? She loved you!”

“She raised her voice, where are my girls? Did you do that? Did you drive them to Illinois? You bastard.”

“No, Pa you are the bastard. The girls deserve a better life and they will, as long as your disgusting fingers are nowhere near them ever again.”

“What do you mean? I only tried to love them.” He pointed down to my Ma. “She didn’t love me anymore!”

He then stooped lower to yell at Ma.

“She’s dead Pa. you killed her,” I said to him.

“No, you did,” he slurred.  

“I’m calling the Sherriff.”

“Oh no, you won’t.”

Pa reached out to me.

And I swear my mind went to the faces of my Ma and my sisters, and I grabbed the rolling pin from the counter, reached out almost slipping on the life of my Ma and clubbed him to death.

Like Father, like son? I guess so.

Pa murdered Ma. I killed Pa.

I was not only convicted of murdering my Pa, but they also said that I murdered my Ma too; no witnesses save for the beasts on the farm.

That was twenty-two years ago and now it’s time. I know my sisters tried everything all these years to get me out, to get me life without parole, but to no avail.

I don’t know how that DNA thing works, but they did find out that it was my Pa who killed my Ma. At least that was satisfying. But the violent murder of my Pa couldn’t take away that death sentence.

There’s always the phone call from the governor.

Well, Pa deserved it and I guess I do too.

2000 Hours

I have four hours to live. As I sit in my death watch area, waiting for my directives, I guess this may be it.

I am glad I spent the last two hours killin time with you, no pun sorry.

I gave my cat Prudence to my death row friend. She was family for these twenty years here. I said my goodbyes to her very early this morning and I can’t see her no more.

I requested my sisters not to see me dying. Heck, they got kids and all, that is no way to treat my family, to see me like this.

My last supper is coming, they said less than 15 minutes. Yes, I said last supper. I became a real Christian like my Ma. Prudence and I would pray the rosary every night.

2030 Hours

I wanted my ma’s apple pie, so I caved for a bakery pie. Big glass of milk, four Oreos and some weed. The weed didn’t happen. But everything I asked for, I got. Nice to know they are nice to you just when you are about to lose your breath forever.

2200 Hours

I am meeting with the Warden, my prison favorite officer and my priest. I asked about the governor if he was at all interested in my rehabilitation, but I guess that won’t happen. like the weed. I was promised a phone call because of my 20 years of rehabilitation and that it was Pa who murdered my Ma, and I bludgeoned him to death because he came after me and he killed Ma, not me. “Who knows,” said the Warden.

Yea, who knows but God.

I was offered a shower but declined. No more of that disgusting hole where as soon as you get clean you get dirtied.

2330 Hours

Father John helped me to get my bible, rosaries so I don’t have to go back and see Prudence. I did have to do the walk. And yea, they do call out, Dead Man Walking, but only once and it is an honor to kind of say my goodbyes even in a whisper, and for some of the inmates they prayed out loud for me.

I’m close to the chamber. I smell disinfectant, pine smells and my sweat that became so sweet I could throw up. This is, however, a place where no one will berate you, hurt you and it feels quite peaceful.

Father John has been by my side this whole time. Now I know why. I am getting scared. I feel like I’m gonna shit my pants. He is reciting my favorite Sermon on the Mount. I see that he is reading from my bible with all of my post it notes at the ready if I ever had to pray quickly. Well now is the time, I guess. We walked to the doors, all three. The third one, I think I pissed my jumper.

Who cares now, I mean I am going to be executed.

2345 Hours

I saw the Warden return with the Doctor, and I asked him if I got any phone calls or messages. We all snickered a bit, and the Warden said, “I believe there are no messages my friend.”

“Prisoner, er, Mr. Thomas P. Ryder. Is there any final words that you would like to say?”

“If I could’ve helped others with the same pain and affliction my Pa had, well I’d die twice. I just hope I won’t see my Pa in death.”

“Thank you, Mr. Ryder.”

2355 Hours

I am taken to the table, and I swear I thought of Jesus right there, because it had the arms out, just like on the cross. I know I am going to meet my Maker. Father John is now reciting 23 over and over. Whispers of such comfort.

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want

He makes me lie down in green pastures…

***   

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me

Over the psalm I hear words, but I am groggy.

Feels good…where am I?

“He is ready sir”

Mr. Thomas P. Ryder, ID # 568230

You are convicted of the murder of Thaddeus P. Ryder

On this date, December 24th, 2000, you will be executed by lethal injection at 0001

“May god have mercy on your soul.”

2358 Hours

God? Prayers are too late

Where’s Ma?

Where’s the govna? He said he’d call

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

My God My God, why me?

I tried to save Ma and the girls from him

Please don’t let me see him

they comfort me

2359 Hours

0001 Hours

“Warden, the sentence has been carried out.”

0002 Hours