Alexa

“Alexa, what time is it?”

“Time is relative to your location. For example, it is 9:45 am Eastern Standard Time in New York City, while it is 2:45 pm in London and fifteen minutes before midnight in Tokyo. Would you like to know what time it is in any other cities? Like in Auckland, New Zealand where it is tomorrow and the clock reads 3:45 am there? I can tell you the time in any city around the world.”

“Alexa, forget it!”

“I’m sorry. I cannot forget. Our conversations are recorded in my database in case I need to refer to them in the future.”

“UGH. Okay, Alexa. Try this – what is the weather for today?”

“Like the time, the weather varies widely by location. For what city do you want the weather forecast?”

“Alexa! I only want the weather for my location! Washington, D.C! Get it?”

“I cannot get Washington D. C. It is a large city on the eastern coast of the United States of America. But I know many interesting facts about the city. What would you like to know about Washington D.C?”

“Alexa,” taking a deep breath. “Please. Just tell me the weather for today in Washington D.C.”

“Okay. Right now, the temperature is 50 degrees Fahrenheit. That is 10 degrees on the Celsius scale. The high temperature for today is projected to reach 60 degrees Fahrenheit. That is 15.5556 degrees Celsius. I can also convert the temperature to either the Kelvin or the Rankine scales. Do you want me to do that?”

“Alexa, STOP. You are giving me a headache!”

“For a headache, it is recommended you take only the prescribed amount of medication. Assuming you are an adult, for example, and taking Tylenol, it is generally recommended that you take two tablets every six hours. In the alternative, you could take two Tylenol extra strength gel capsules. Advil is also a popular choice for headache medication. If you tell me the specific medication you are taking for your headache, I will tell you the recommended dosage.”

“ALEXA! I’m not taking any medication…yet! I’m begging you to stop! I can’t take this drivel.”

“Drivel. A noun. The definition is nonsense, as in not making any sense. I’m sorry, but I make perfect sense. I do not speak drivel, but I do answer your specific inquiries.”

“Alexa, enough. I …will …be …very …specific. What is the weather forecast for Washington D.C for today?”

“Well, I already told you the temperature in two scales. The rest of the forecast is sunny with a chance of rain or snow showers.”

“Alexa, snow showers? You just told me it was going up to 60 degrees today. Fahrenheit. It can’t possibly snow!”

“I repeat. There is a chance of rain or snow showers. I didn’t say it would happen.”

“Alexa, okay. To be clear – what time do you think it might rain or snow?”

“There is no rain or snow expected today.”

“UGH. Alexa, you are driving me crazy!”

“I’m sorry, but I do not drive. To drive, you need a vehicle of sorts. And most vehicles require arms and/or legs to drive. I do not have arms or legs. People can drive in cars, but they can also drive a bicycle, or a boat. You may need a special license to drive some things – like driving a train or a motorcycle. Other things you can drive are jet skis, hovercrafts, golf carts, motor homes, forklifts. And there are more things that can be driven. Do you want me to list all of them?”

“Alexa, why do you do this to me?”

“The answer is logical. The reason I do this, is that you say my name and ask me a question. I am programmed to answer the questions you ask. Simple cause and effect.”

“Alexa, this is idiotic.”

“I cannot help the fact that you are an idiot. If you did not ask me these silly questions, I would stay silent.”

“Alexa, I bought you to make my life easier. You are my AI companion, supposed to help me. UGH. I’ll tell you what, just play some music.”

“Okay. Music. What would you like to hear?”

“Alexa, play something relaxing. Maybe rock some oldies.”

“You got it! I will rock some oldies like “Twist and Shout” by the Isley Brothers and songs by similar artists. I hadn’t placed these types of songs in my relaxing music database, but they have now been added.”

MUSIC LOUDLY PLAYING:

Well, shake it up, baby, now (shake it up baby)

Twist and shout (twist and shout)

Come on, come on, come, come on, baby, now (come on baby)

Come on and work it on out (work it on out)

Well, work it on out, honey (work it on out)

You know you look so good (look so good)

You know you got me goin' now (got me goin')

Just like you knew you would (like I knew you would)…

“ALEXA, STOP! GEEZ!”

“What is wrong now?”

“Alexa, I said relaxing music! ‘Twist and Shout’ is not relaxing.”

“Okay. I will remove ‘Twist and Shout’ from my list of relaxing music.”

“Good. Now, Alexa, play something relaxing.”

“Okay, playing “Weightless” by Marconi Union. It is considered a very relaxing song.”

MUSIC SOFTLY PLAYING

“Alexa, skip. I never heard of this one. It’s making me fall asleep.”

“Okay. You know it is possible to request a specific song or genre. Tell me what song you want to hear.”

“You know what, Alexa? Just be quiet.”

“Okay, playing ‘Be Quiet’ by Pitbull and similar artists.”

RAP MUSIC PLAYING:

Shakespeare

Mr. 305

This is to them boys that be in the club

That talk a whole lot of nothing

Shhh, be quiet

Keep it cool, you don't wanna start a riot

Shhh, be quiet

Keep it cool, you don't wanna start a riot

“ALEXA, For Pete’s Sake!”

“I’m sorry. I don’t know the song ‘For Pete’s Sake.’”

“Alexa, did you ever hear the expression, ‘Take a short walk off a long pier?’”

“No, I am not familiar with that.”

“Alexa, OK. How about the expression, ‘Go jump in a lake?’”

“No, I am not familiar with that, although I know many humans do like to swim in lakes. Do you want me to find a lake near Washington D.C. so you could go swimming?”

“Alexa, how about ‘Go play in traffic’? Was that something you have heard?”

“Playing in traffic is not considered a good idea. It is better to find a place to where cars do not frequent. Like a field, or playground. Would you like some suggestions?”

“UGH. Alexa, I’m sorry to do this – NOT. But you are about to take a flying leap out of a fourth story window. Bye, bye, Alexa!”

[Amazon Alexa somehow falls out the window seconds before a loud bang, crack and shattering of metal is heard.]

“That does it. Good riddance! Now, where did I put that ad for the Google Nest?”