The Space between 0 and 1

When Anabel started going to Covenant Christian School, everyone—his close friends, that is—called him Nicky. His teachers called him Nick except for one time at lunch when he was mixing uneaten puddings with leftover french fries on a discarded plate. Then Mrs. Sanders yelled out “Nicholas! Stop that right now!”

Anabel did not call him Nicky for two years. Sometimes she would pause after saying his name “Hey, Nick…” as if she were contemplating adding on the -y that symbolized another level of intimacy. But for two years, she held back.

She held back in the same way she held back from saying “I love you.” She only said “love you” when bidding her mom goodnight or her grandma goodbye. She also said it to her dog Peanut Butter about forty times on school days and one hundred times on weekends, but she rarely said it to anyone else.

At the end of eighth grade, when they were saying goodbye to each other, she finally called him Nicky. They had all the advanced classes together that year, and, since 8th-grade Algebra was right before lunch, they formed the habit of drifting to the cafeteria and eating together.

Slowly, somehow, they had become best friends. So as they were leaving on the last day of school, Anabel uttered "Bye…Nicky," and in her own way, she was saying “I love you.”

The next school year, the boys started calling him Nick. Maybe he had announced the name change in the locker room, or maybe it had started with his mom calling out “Nick! You forgot your lunch!” In any case, once the boys had transitioned to the more grown-up-sounding name, the girls soon followed suit. Except Anabel. By then, she couldn’t imagine him as anyone but Nicky.

★★★

Right when Nicky made the transition to being called Nick, he started feeling protective of Anabel. He remembered seeing her at Evan Tancer’s pool party. She didn’t wear a bikini or even show her stomach. She kept a towel around her waist the whole time until she got to the very edge of the pool. Then she took the towel off and hopped in, making the tiniest splash.

Nick had recurring jokes with the guys—that’s what she said or …in bed—but he didn’t make those jokes, or laugh at them, around Anabel.

Even so, they had no shortage of things to talk about. Some days, Anabel would get excited after learning the etymology of a word. Did you know umbrella is Latin for little shadow? They spent the rest of that lunch period looking up other words with the root umbr in them: penumbra, umbrage, adumbrate, somber, sombrero.

And when they made each other laugh, Anabel would laugh so hard she cried.

★★★

Then, Nick’s little sister got cancer.

They didn’t talk about it. School offered a track to Nick, and once he got on it in the morning, he didn’t want to get off. But one day, as they were leaving, Anabel stopped him. Here, I, um, have something for you. She pulled a folded piece of notebook paper out of her pocket. It’s, uh, it’s nothing really. Anyway, see you tomorrow! She disappeared in a rush.

He read the note when he got home: Dear Nicky, I’m so sorry about your sister. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I know we don’t talk about it, and I understand if you don’t want to talk about it, but I wanted to let you know that I’m here whenever you need. I’m thinking of you.

He wrote her back, nothing too significant. He thanked her and changed the subject, but it started a correspondence between them, and, by his third letter, he did have something to say about his sister. Writing to Anabel afforded him the space and quiet he needed to open up about the most significant and painful thing in his life.

★★★

Fourteen years later, Anabel was finally visiting Nicky in Chicago. It was a joke, really. Senior year, they had read the short story “After Twenty Years” in AP English. The story inspired them to make a similar pact. They would reconnect 10 years after graduation if they were still single. Anabel was not still single. She had been married for two and a half years, but she welcomed the excuse to visit Nicky.

Nicky probably knew Anabel was married. They had never talked about it. They hadn’t kept in touch beyond biannual Happy birthday! texts, but Anabel’s relationship status on Facebook had changed to in a relationship and then eventually married, just like that of many of their classmates, while Nicky’s had remained single.

As Anabel got ready to meet up with Nicky, her stomach fluttered in a way it hadn’t for at least five years. She told herself that was normal. They were seeing each other for the first time in so long.

Anabel took off her wedding rings to put on lotion. She did her makeup, checked the time, and realized she was running late. She grabbed her purse, slipped on her flats, and dashed out the door. Her wedding rings waited for her on the hotel bathroom counter.

★★★

Anabel watched the little orange light move across the stops on the display. Nicky had told her he would pick her up at the Damen stop. When the train reached it, Anabel took a breath and flowed out with the other commuters.

Then she saw him. His straight, sandy-blonde hair, the top section of it slightly tousled. His blue eyes darting across the people leaving the train cars.

“Nick!” She called out. His eyes glimmered in recognition. He raised his hand towards her in a wave that turned into a tumble of steps. And he was right there, in front of her.

They hugged tightly. They had never hugged before, but now it seemed like the only possible greeting.

“It’s so good to see—”

“How are—”

“You go first.” Anabel laughed.

★★★

They had just sat down with their coffees when Nick spoke up.

“I was thinking…Do you want to go to a concert tonight? There’s this great group playing and they still have tickets.”

“I don’t know…I don’t really go to concerts.”

“Here. Let me play one of their songs for you. I think you’ll like it. This band is focused on musicality more than anything, so it’s not going to be like a lot of people screaming lyrics. Check it out.”

He pulled his earbuds out of his jacket pocket and handed her one. “They use this unique instrument that combines the lead singer’s voice with the piano, and the way they build tension…it’s really cool” He put the other earbud in his ear, and the ghost of a headphone cord pulled their heads close. He started the song.

Anabel hadn’t fully understood what Nick meant until she listened, but when the song started playing, the intricacies of the sounds captivated her.

“Is that the instrument you were talking about?” She asked when she heard a new sound. “No, it happens at a climax. You’ll catch it.” She smirked when he said climax and glanced his way. He met her eyes and his focused expression briefly lapsed into a grin.

Then she heard it.

“Wow, okay. I see what you mean. That part’s really cool, how everything builds and like—”

“Isn’t it?”

After they finished listening, he asked, “So you wanna go to the concert?”

“Hmm, okay…you’ve convinced me.” She smiled. “But can we also listen to the song again? I want to try to catch all the layers.” He restarted it but this time he was dancing, moving his shoulders up and down with the beat and looking at her with his lips pursed.

“Stop!” She laughed. “You’re distracting me!” She reached over and paused it.

“Can we start it over? Just one more time.”

“Sure, but maybe it’s not about catching all the elements in one go. Maybe those layers are there so even on the hundredth time the song still surprises you.” He shrugged. Anabel wondered if their friendship had crossed his mind as he said it.

“Oh my gosh, I just had an idea.” Her eyes gleamed.

“What?” He laughed.

“So remember when we had that book club in high school? Well, what if there were something like that for music? Like, where you choose one song to listen to each week and you really listen to it and talk about it.” Anabel paused. “Is it just me or does this idea sound really nerdy but also, uh, somehow, really sexy at the same time?” she hesitated as she came to the word sexy. She felt as if she were crossing a small, unspoken boundary.

★★★

They were finishing up dinner when Nick asked her “What have you been reading lately?”

“Actually, I read an interesting article on the plane, about infinity.”

“Infinity?” a smile spread across his face.

“Yeah, it was talking about how even between 0 and 1 there’s an infinite set of real numbers because you can divide by half, and then divide by half again, and again into infinity. It’s crazy to think about, but also, so logical. And I started thinking…if infinity exists in the space between 0 and 1, then, then how much more must exist in the space between two people, you know?”

“Huh, yeah…” Nick’s hands grew still on the table and he gazed off to the right. Anabel recognized the signal that he was deep in thought. A moment later, he looked back at her. A silence had spread out between them, but she decided to poke through it.

“Speaking of infinity…are you…seeing anyone?”

“What does that have to do with infinity?” He shook his head, half-smiling.

“You know, love, attraction, things that are beyond explanation but still so…recognizable. Or wait…” She thought for a moment “never mind, infinity is more like the opposite of that maybe.”

“Yeah, I think you were just looking for a reason to pry.” He pushed her shoulder lightly. “But no. I go on dates, but…” he paused.

She waited.

“…I don’t think I’ll ever get married. I don’t want to.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, once you get used to being alone, there’s an appeal to the solitude.” His expression showed that he wasn’t trying to convince himself. He was decided. She thought of his sister.

★★★

After about twenty minutes of walking, they made it to the concert venue. Nick showed their tickets, then grabbed Anabel’s hand as they weaved through the mass of people.

They found a spot where they could see the stage. As the venue continued to fill, they were pushed closer together. Someone backed into Anabel and she jumped, startled. Then she felt Nick pulling her closer to him, his arms around her waist. “Is this okay?” She heard in her ear. Her breath caught. She nodded.

Anabel had worn one of her favorite shirts. It grazed the waistband of her jeans so that a patch of bare skin peeked out at the slightest lift of her arm or twist to the side. It had risen an inch when she got jostled. Nick’s ring finger and pinkie on his right hand rested against her bare skin, setting off a tingling.

★★★

After the song ended, Anabel leaned back into Nick and stood on her tiptoes to whisper in his ear.

“I have to go to the bathroom. I’ll be back.” She found his hand and squeezed it.

“Okay. I’ll stay right here, by the pillar.”

“Okay.” Anabel rushed off. There was a line out the door of the bathroom that she joined. A few minutes later, she felt a tap on her shoulder.

“Hi! Anabel! Oh my gosh, what are you doing here?”

“Oh, uh, Alyssa, hi!” Anabel swallowed, hoping her anxiety wasn’t showing through. She had met Alyssa through her husband. He and Alyssa had been in the same friend group in college. When the whole group planned a reunion at a lake house, Anabel had tagged along as a significant other.

“I’m visiting a friend. This is a great concert! Have you been here long?” She searched Alyssa’s face for signs of accusation. Had she seen her with Nick?

“Yeah! I got here around 8. I came with friends.”

“Cool…” A stall opened up, and Anabel escaped into it. She took deep breaths.

Before returning to Nick, she got beers for both of them.

“Oh, thanks.” Nick took the beer. Anabel wedged herself into a small space to his right. She kept her place by his side the rest of the night. He didn’t try to hold her hand or wrap his arms around her after that.

★★★

Anabel and Nick walked out of the concert. The sun had set and darkness shrouded the street. Anabel hugged herself, trying to stay warm.

“Oh. You don’t have a jacket. Here.” Before she could protest, he placed his jacket around her shoulders.

“Oh, thanks. It’s April! How can it be this cold in April?”

Nick laughed, “We’re in Chicago. It might snow tomorrow.” The gesture felt like their old friendship. It drew out a memory for Anabel. Sophomore year, October. They were at the Homecoming football game. She shivered in her strapless dress. Nick had given her his tuxedo jacket then.

★★★

They made it to the station as her train was pulling in and they hugged. She breathed in the scent of his hair. A tear formed at the corner of her eye. She dabbed it away as they separated.

“Oh, here.” She started taking off his jacket.

“No, keep it.”

“Oh, but…okay, I can…are you sure?”

“Yeah.” He looked into her eyes then gave a fraction of a nod. “Goodbye, Anabel.”

She grasped him in one last hug. She couldn’t stop herself. 1…2…3…she had to pull away. She hurried to catch her train.

On the ride back to her hotel, Anabel listened to the song Nick had played in the coffee shop, but it failed to surprise her. She barely noticed the sounds or layers. Instead, she saw a single image in her mind.

★★★

The next night, after her husband was asleep, Anabel crept to their bookshelf in the basement and pulled out her yearbook from senior year. She opened to the Senior Class Superlatives pages and stared down at a picture of Nick on one knee holding a large, fake daisy up to her. She had her hands crossed over her heart with an exaggerated expression of surprise on her face. The caption under the photo read Cutest Couple That Never Was.

“Goodbye, Nicky.” She whispered, brushing her thumb across his image.