His grave

*contains mentions of sexual and physical violence, suicide, mental health and grief*

It was out of any order, out of my mind was this path I took today. I couldn’t bring myself to have done it earlier. What was happening inside of me was too strong. I did not dare admit what it was. I would be a fool if I didn’t know now, and I was no fool. Or maybe I was the biggest one. The drive was not familiar by me. I never once have gone to the graveyard in the town. I told my men that she needs to have the biggest space, the best casket, every single day a new flower to sit on her grave. I trusted two of my men to do that for me. They didn’t know what to think. First they laughed and thought I was mocking them. But when I remained serious they simply got quiet and understood the importancy of the secret mission that I trusted them with. Now sitting in my Range Rover, a white rose on the passenger seat on my right. My hands were shaking now that they were off the steering wheel. Fuck my cowardliness. Today I wore the new suit. The thoughts I had for it turned out to be impossible. It was meant to be a suit for a wedding, my wedding, our wedding. Now I was a few meters away from the gates of the graveyard. What a sick joke. But I knew better than to blame Fate, I was the only one to blame.

The cold air chipped at my face once I opened the door of my jeep. For a second I lost balance and took a hold of the car door to steady myself. Goddamn I was not ready still but I wasn’t gonna be a coward anymore. I grasped angrily the flower and locked my car. The boys had told me on which side of the graveyard is her spot for eternity.

I followed their instructions and too soon I was met with a stone engraved with her name.

Flora.

With me she had no name. She was a number. One of the many girls I owned. Now she had her dignity. She had it all the time. Refusing to talk to me. Remaining forever silent no matter what I did. And in the end when she escaped from me and went to Heaven - I did not expect that outcome. I went too far. I didn’t realise sooner my mistakes. Now my knees touched the mushy ground staining my suit pants. But I did not care. If I could have the same braveness and join her in the other world I would have done it. That now was the closest I could get with her after the incident.

I didn’t know should I speak. Will she listen to my poor attempt at apologizing? Would she care? This, I realised, is the least I could do. Apologise. Even thought it’s late, she deserved to hear it. Because I knew she was there by the brutal wind which was almost throwing me aside, away from her grave.

“I “- the voice strange to my ears. - “ I am sorry, Flora. " This is the first time I use her name in front of her.

The wind quietened for a second and I kept going, praying she will listen.

“I changed too late. I knew something happened the moment I saw you enter my building. I should’ve known better and realise what my denial would lead to. You are the bravest woman, the most innocent one no matter what I put you through. You are an angel still and I hope you dance with the angels now. Away from the filth of the world. “- I took a shaky breath in and out. -” I am a part of the filth of the world but not for much longer, I promise you that, sweet girl. " - she knew better than anyone that I kept my promises. I miss her plump red lips all the time, they are haunting me no matter if I dare to close my eyes and try to sleep or not. I never kissed her, that’s the problem. I thought she was a toy, not a flower to be petted and treated carefully, nor kissed gently. Screw who I was! A coward who didn’t face himself and his true desires until now it was too late for anything.

Suddenly a second, pink rose appeared in front of the grave. I followed the small hand up towards the person’s face and I feel like I collapsed right there and then. It was her. My Flora. A mistake of my tongue. She was never truly mine. Never.

" I didn’t want to scare you, Sir. I have always with me a spare flower and give it to someone else after I visit my mother’s grave every other day. "

Her voice, it was different, I just noticed how her face moved slightly different. Maybe because this girl standing in front of me was not in danger. She was sweet and captivating, the same as my Flora. Almost identical in their looks and movements. Her skirt moved by the wind and her high boots were stained in the mud she had to walk through in the graveyard. I hardly processed her words but once I did I knew it was not a ghost I was meeting but a real person. A sweet woman who if she knew me she wouldn’t have come closer. I didn’t deserve one like Flora, let alone two of her.

" Flora”- the woman read, the name so innocent on her lips and suddenly she was next to me on the ground, I tried to protest but her smell was intoxicating. Gosh who was she?

" It will sound strange to you, but I can talk to ghosts.”

I remained silent, almost not breathing to hear what my Flora says to her. Completely absorbed by the idea of hearing her thoughts, which would surprise me as she never spoke a word to me. What was she speaking with the sweet girl now?

" She doesn’t forgive you, sir. "You can only take but never give"- is what she says. “- she remained listening intently and in a few moments she smiled and said her goodbyes like Flora was right here. But I could not feel her. Never again. Oh, how I missed her touch, even thought it was full of rage and fear at the same time. It was somewhat mine to hold and protect. But I did all the opposite. I took her for granted and ruined both of us. Because her death ruined not only her but me with her. I was no longer alive, just breathing and existing.

" She can never forgive me.”- I rasped out and the woman looked at me puzzled. Seeing a man in an expensive suit, who did not care of the mud, she could only think I was a noble man but I never was. Not that I could recall a single moment.

Now it was the first time since like in forever I speak with a woman without holding her a prisoner, but like she is what she is- a human with rights.

" I am sure she will, Sir!”- she sounded frustrated somehow at her seeing my poor state of living.

" Don’t blame her. I am only to blame. Please.”- the word please so foreign on my tongue before the incident but never foreign in the moments of silence in my chambers when I beg God or whoever there is to bring her back to me. It never happened in the couple of months after she decided her Fate’ ending.

" She was crying " - she kept speaking softly to me like I don't deserve by anyone.

" She keeps crying because of me. Tell me- is she okay, is she with the angels, is she in Heaven?”- again my breathing slowed down to hear everything this stranger was gonna tell me about my lover.

" She was surrounded by eternal glow, wings hugged her body, draped in white linen. I can promise you she can find happiness now and forever.”

I sobbed without being able to stop my reaction.

" Thank you”- I spoke to the girl next to me and to the Universe for keeping my girl safe.

Which reminded me:

" You shouldn’t trust people like me.”

" I can see through you.”- she interrupted me and I froze in place. Did she know? Anything? Everything?

" You held darkness, past tense. It still surrounds your aura but it’s swimming away with the wind little by little. "

I looked down. I shouldn’t be here. Not speaking to someone who looked like her but was never her. Not stain the eternal home of my only love. I was not deserving of either of their presence.

" I’ve got work to do. Goodbye. "

" It’s not goodbye.”- she whispered somehow like only for her to hear. I paid no attention to her words. I needed to go before I coward away in fear.

The police station was my next destination.