Howard

HOWARD

By Matt Foreman

Howard really didn’t want to go up there and ring the doorbell.

He was sitting in his old Buick Electra in front of his ex-wife’s house, where she lived with her new husband (who was a complete idiot) and Howard’s 15-year-old son, Josh. He was only allowed to see Josh on the weekends, according to the judge’s screwjob decision when he and Maddy got divorced three years ago. This particular weekend was special, because he was taking Josh to the batting cages and then dinner at a steakhouse they both liked.

Whenever he came over to pick Josh up on Saturdays, he always stayed in his car and honked. That was their signal. He tried to avoid going up to the door because he didn’t want to risk having to see Maddy or Darrell, her new Prince Charming who was 6’7 and dumb as a sled dog. They all hated each other, and it was a lot easier if Josh just came out when he heard the honking. Everybody was used to the routine, so Howard couldn’t figure out what the problem was as he sat there blaring the horn…with no sign of Josh.

After a few minutes, he knew he was going to have to bite the bullet. Gawd, he thought, I’d rather get kicked in the face than have to do this. And one of those assholes is gonna answer, for sure. Come on, kid. What the hell? He smashed the horn one more time for a good loud blast and then rubbed his forehead hard with both hands, knowing there was no way around it. He wanted to see his son. They’d both been jonesing for the steakhouse’s hot cheese biscuits all week. Plus, Josh had a crush on one of the waitresses.

RING!

No answer.

RING!

Still no answer.

Are they in the back yard or something? I know they’re home. Their cars are in the driveway.

RING!

Still…no answer. And that was when Howard started to notice that something wasn’t right. Actually, two things.

First, this neighborhood was usually crawling with activity. Lots of kids playing in the street, moms and dads watering their yards, annoying happy people with obnoxiously big smiles on their faces walking their dogs. But today, there was nobody anywhere. Hell, Howard had been laying on his horn from the car for a good five minutes, and none of the neighbors even poked their head out to give him the stink eye. Not a living soul to be seen. Not a sound. Just silence and dead air.

Second, Maddy and Darrell had one of those stupid Welcome to Our Home signs on their front porch. At least…Howard had always thought it said Welcome to Our Home. Now he was wondering if he’d finally lost his marbles, because he was staring straight at it in the cold light of day and it clearly said Welcome to Your Home.

Our home? Your home? Have I been reading this thing wrong every weekend? He heard crickets chirping as a cool breeze blew through. The branches on the magnolia tree in the front yard waved like they were saying hello.

At this point, Howard was officially a little freaked out, so he turned the doorknob to see if it was unlocked. It was. He pushed it open just a crack to check for any signs of life.

He could hear voices inside. Faintly.

And they didn’t sound like Josh, Maddy, or Darrell’s voices.

Are they having a party or something? I don’t see any other cars out front.

Since this all seemed nutty, Howard just shoved the door open and stepped inside. He’d never been in this house before, but it looked like something out of a Pottery Barn catalog, exactly as he expected. Perfect furniture, everything clean and boring. Nobody was in the front room, but he could still hear the voices coming from the back.

Maddy’s head is gonna explode if she finds me creeping around the place. I gotta get Josh though.

He walked through the front room towards the voices, turned the corner into the kitchen, and froze.

Three people he’d never seen in his life were sitting at the table, eating huge bowls of oatmeal. It was a man, a woman, and a teenage boy…but it wasn’t Josh, Maddy, or Darrell. All three of them were completely bald, wearing polka dot pajamas, and they turned and smiled at Howard when they saw him.

“Hello,” the woman said. “Would you like to join us? We’ve been expecting you.”

“Huh?” Howard grunted.

“Look, we’ve made you a place,” she said, pointing at a fourth bowl of oatmeal in front of an empty chair.

“Who the hell are you?” Howard said. “Where’s the family that lives here?”

“We ARE the family that lives here,” the man said, still smiling. “And we’ve been waiting for you, Howard.”

A cold zap ran up Howard’s spine. “Wait, how do you know my name? Who are you people??”

They stood up from the table and started walking towards him, slowly. That’s when he noticed they all had green eyes.

“We’re so glad you’re here, Howard,” the woman said. “You’re going to be so happy with us.”

Howard felt panic mode hitting as he stepped back. They kept moving closer to him, these three bald polka-dotted smiling people he’d never seen.

“Get the hell away from me!” he barked. “Who are you??”

“We live here, Howard,” the boy said. “And now, you do too.”

“Where’s my son?! My son Josh lives here! This is his home!”

He heard the front door slam shut behind him. As he whipped around, all the heavy drapes in the room snapped shut across the windows. It was almost pitch black, but he could make out a tall figure in the corner, hidden in the shadows, green eyes glowing at him.

“Don’t be afraid, Howard,” a voice said. “This is your home now. And don’t worry about your car. You won’t need it anymore.”

THE END