The Moment When the Flame Ignited it...

At first you didn’t cause me trouble, but then things started to inflame. Little by little you swallowed me. You made me feel sad, then depressed, then miserable. Little by little, I felt isolated in this loophole that you created. I kept running and running, with no end in sight. When I feel happy , you come and take a bite of my heart. When I feel the most happy you come back and haunt me, as if you hate seeing me succeed. I feel stuck and trapped in a nightmare that I can't wake up from...but at that moment when the flame ignited, I had no idea what would come crashing down upon me.

  The Fire Started to Spread

Why do you make my family misunderstand me? You made my friends twist my words and use them against me. I regret letting you in. "You're the one who let me grow, and didn’t do anything about it, you're the one to blame." All I want to do is to live without you. Why can’t you leave? "I can’t leave you. I will always be with you." I feel so empty and I don’t know how to feel better. I don't even know what to feel anymore. At this point I want to live life like a regular human. Why do you make my life feel so inhumane? 

The House is Burning Down...but What Should I do...

I try to run to the light but all you do is blind me with darkness. All I want is to be saved from this dark cycle. Yet you make it seem like nobody wants to save me. "You know that your family doesn't even notice. Why should they know? Even if they knew, what would they do about it?" My parents do care, but why did they hurt me even though they knew. You want me to die but my soul is clinging on to my dear life. I would always say I'm fine...but am I really though? Of course not. I've said I'm fine so many times that I feel like my head is spinning underwater. Why am I struggling alone? Can someone save me from this nightmare?

Should I Extinguish the House or...Watch It Burn...

You’re always lurking around the corner waiting for an opportunity. I wish I could run away, but when I try to run my legs turn to jelly. You always come back to haunt me...however this time you didn’t leave. My brain feels like your personal hotel. You can stay or leave but both options have their consequences...good or bad. "The question is would you let me stay or let me go? It's only a matter of time before you'll choose. Either right or wrong. Only you get to decide. I can only persuade you to a side."

The Flames in Your Pupils Sparked Something

Words like I'm fine or don't worry about me always felt like someone stabbing me over and over again. It felt like the whole world was turning against me and it was my fault. My daily routine was to fake a smile. "It seemed like people didn't realize that you were faking it. Your friends don't seem to notice and your family just thinks it's your personality." I'm not though! I'm not pessimistic. I'm happy, optimistic, and funny! However, when you walk through the hotel door, I become your shadow. I want you to go away...and never come back...but you never listen. My parents want me to smile more but you make me cry. You say there's nothing wrong with me when there clearly is! "It’s hard to pretend when you’re not okay...but it’s easy when you did it your whole childhood."  

Plan B: Use Your Tears to Extinguish the House

I have to be strong. People care about me and I can’t let them down. "Your friends and family wouldn’t even feel sad if you died." No! They would, because I know that they care about me. "Are you sure? What’s so good about you?" I-I...I don’t know. I-I-I’m...you’re right. What’s so good about me. I don’t have perfect grades, I look ugly, and I have acne. Nobody would like me. However, I have many things that I discovered about myself, like how I love pasta, I like football, I like so many other things because my friends introduced me to them. Why would they hang out with me and talk to me if they didn’t like me? They do like me! That's what I wanted to think. I just want to feel happy again. I just want to feel better and I want my life back together. I feel lighter and less stressed. I feel happy. 

You always come back...why?

"Do you? Or is it that you think that you are happy? Are you really happy? It’s hard to pretend when you’re not okay...but it’s easy for you, you did it your whole childhood." Why am I acting this way? No...I’m not sad anymore, I’m happy! "Then why do I still cry at night in my bed?" It’s just an eyelash stuck in my eye! No! Open your eyes. I can’t get rid of you, so ignoring you won’t help, it will only make it worse, and pretending won’t help either. Stop being in denial! You’ve already seen those plans fail miserably. So why am I doing this to myself? Why can’t I realize? I can just accept you. Why can’t I? I…I don’t know why. Stop it! You are not the victim anymore! Stop pitying myself and just get my brain out of my head and accept reality. I can just accept you. I can accept me. You are a part of me,   you always will be...but is it that easy? 

The Fire is Over...What Will You Do?

I don’t know how to accept you but, I will try. I know you are selfish, pessimistic, and stingy, but I need the good and the bad to balance out, because without them being balanced, my self is ruined. I will accept you. Without you, I wouldn’t be alive. I am grateful for you.