It's a Harsh World

CW: Themes of physical violence, abuse, suicidal ideation and mental health.

The wind tossed my hair and I stared at the intersection. I could go left and head home, but I could go right and become me. My parents don’t agree with my choices/wishes. They’ve practically tortured me to the point of the unthinkable. Suicide. But that’s not going right would mean let me stop feeling wrong I will get to be Connor and not Miranda. I could also truly get to love Liam without my parents' judgment. I would live with someone who supports me.

But on the other hand, I wouldn’t know who I would live with. My grandparents agree with my parents and my aunts, uncles and cousins don’t live here in Cape Town, South Africa, Africa, or in Africa at all. The rest of my family support me though. Also, who would want an albino kid in Africa. Then it all circles back that my parents are abusive and I haven’t told anyone, not even my friend. You heard that right? I have only one friend.

I clutched my diary tightly. My parents had forced me to wear my hijab. Then took one step, then another, and another till I took off sprinting down on the right and right path. Right as in the right direction and right as in correct. And I guess was the moment I knew I made the right choice. I was running to the youth center then I was going to see if I could go live with my aunts Eshe and Ayana, my uncles Simba and Thabo, and of course, my cousins Kato, Ruri, Femi, and Jojo for the boys and Nia, Lulu, Kia, Nala, Tandi, and Penda for the girls. I have a lot of cousins.

As I ran I ran past the library, bakery, gym, mayor's office before I arrived at the Youth Center. “Hi, what's your name honey?” A lady at the door asked me.

“I’m not a honey, I’m Connor,” I say, defiantly.

“Sorry Connor, go right in,” she said apologetically.

I walked through the doors straight to the front desk and a man on the other side of the desk asked dully “What’s your name kid and why are you here?”

I take a deep breath and say “ well my official name is Miranda Imani Kuma but I will, uhh no, but I want to transition to a boy and be called Connor Tino. I also don’t want Kuma as my last name but rather, Bekele after my favorite aunt, uncle, and cousins last name. I’m here because my parents abused me, didn’t support me wanting to transition, my love towards another boy, and me being albino,” I blurted.

“Okay kid,” the man sounded shocked but continued, “How about you play over there on the playground while I find someone for you to talk to and somewhere to stay.”

I have a secret and it’s one of those you feel bad about. I’m addicted to wine. It started one night when I wanted just to taste wine and because my parents have a surplus of it. I had one cup then next night I had another one till I was addicted. I even have a bottle of wine in my backpack right now and I’m ashamed of it.

On a different note, I’m going to get my haircut soon, but if they don’t want me to look like a boy at the hairdresser, then I’ll cut it myself. As I slid down the slide, I felt a new kind of freedom. I didn’t have to worry about being spanked or punched. Not worrying about being late because my parents would lock me in a closet or them throwing objects at me, criticizing me, or name-calling, just yelling at me, threatening me or taking control of me and all the physical and other neglectful things they did. Honestly the worst ones were when I forgot to tell my parents that I was going to hang out with Vicram, my only friend and they whipped me about 30 times, or when I claimed I want to be a boy, they broke my fingers and toes, all 20 of them, or when I claimed I love Liam they know I should be caught saying their names because they’re not my parents. I should be saying Temba and Thandiwe locked me in the shed for a month and brought me water every two days and food every four. “Hi, I’m Kamaria but I’m not a girl. I go by they/them pronouns so I guess I’m non-binary.”

“Hi, I’m technically Miranda, but I’m trying to transition to a boy and be called Connor,” I tell them.

“How old are you because I’m 12,” they ask.

“I’m 13, Kamaria. Why are you here?” I ask innocently.

“My dad came into my bedroom in the middle of the night after drinking I think eight glasses of wine, with a knife and tried to murder me. And my mom died giving birth to me. What about you?” They said it all so sadly.

“My parents didn’t support my transition, my love towards another boy, my albinoism, and they were very abusive,” I said, melancholy in my voice.

“How are you wearing a hoodie in this heat,” I ask hoping to lighten the mood but their face fell farther.

“Well my dad didn’t, no wait I shouldn’t call him that, Bako stabbed my arms and the doctors were unable to save it.”

“Do you just want to play on the slides?” I ask.

“Sure I would love to!”

“Sounds great but I’m suddenly really thirsty even though I drank my entire water bottle on the way here. I guess I’ll go refill BRB,” I tell them.

I ran to refill my water bottle then I suddenly needed to use the bathroom for the seventh time in the last two hours. But what annoys me is the constant hum I heard. As soon as I got there, Kamaria and I played till dusk.

“Are you going to go home to sleep tonight? Or are you going to sleep here?” Kamaria asked.

“I don’t know I have to tell someone about that,” I tell them.

Right then someone called for me “Hey Connor would you come here so we can talk for a minute?” It was the lady from the front door.

“Yeah, be right over,” I say as I say a quick goodbye for now to Kamaria then follow the lady to a room.

“So Connor according to this your parents are unsupportive about your transition, your love interest, and your albinism and were very abusive. Is that right?” She asked, “Oh and I’m Cattallia by the way.”

I nod. Then she scribbled something down on her clipboard. “Would you follow me?” Cattallia asked.

We walked out of the room and back to the staircase that was for the kids who need somewhere to sleep/stay for a few days like when their parents are on a business trip or are in the hospital, but we didn’t go up the staircase. We continued past it into a small door labeled staff only. Then behind the door was a staircase that led downstairs and at the bottom, there was a small toy kitchen next to a real kitchen and dorm styled rooms. “Would you like to sleep with Kamaria because I saw you hanging out earlier?” Cattallia asked.

“Sure. I would like that,” I say.

“Okay she, sorry they sleep in room 14 go right in and tomorrow we will find someone to get your stuff,” Cattallia told me.

I walk to go find room 14. The doors were each brightly decorated with a variety of decorations and their names on it but specifically door 14. It was covered with rainbows, pride flags, and all kinds of other pride stuff. I turned the knob, but it didn’t budge. Then Cattallia runs, and hands me a set of keys. I slid the keys into the slot and the door turned easily and I stepped in. “Kamaria? I guess I’m here to sleep for a few days or weeks or months,” I call.

“Connor?” They said, coming out of the bathroom, fully dressed, but still wrapped in a towel and a towel wrapped around their hair.

“I guess I’ll be your roommate for a bit,” I say.

“Finally, I’ve never had a roommate!”

There was a quick knock on the door. Kamaria went to answer it. “Hi Kamaria, we have some PJs for Connor, would you give them to him?” Ask an unfamiliar lady.

“Yes Ms. Janson, I'll give this to him. Thank you.”

“Before you get changed, I would take a shower because in 10 minutes everybody will be fighting for the hot water,” they recommend.

“Okay be right out,” I tell them.

I took a shower.

When I came out there was the best meal I had seen in weeks. It was rice with broccoli, carrots, apples, and soup. Then I saw it, a grilled cheese. “This looks amazing!” I say

“Yeah it's pretty good,” they say.

I dug into the food. I ate the entire meal. It was the best in what 7 years? It’s spectacular. I grabbed my water bottle and took a sip. I like the delicious wine washed down my throat. I know it’s bad but I can’t help it.

Then brushed my teeth and got changed. Darn it! I mean it’s good that I’m here but that means I’m not getting a haircut soon. Then an idea hit me,“Kamaria I have a weird question, do you have scissors?” I ask awkwardly.

“Yeah. Why do you ask” they asked, sounding unsure.

“Well I don’t like wearing my hijab and my hair is long and I was wondering if you would cut it?” I asked cautiously.

“Sure, I guess. I’ll tell you how things work around here and people to remember,” they say, as I sat down on the edge of the bathtub shower. They grab a pair of scissors, then remove my hijab. I heard the first scissor clamp then Kamaria started “Tomorrow will do an orientation so you get to know all the kids. But the staff I’ll tell you about. There’s Bruce, Pablo, Carlos, Kelpto, Johnithy, Kenny, Zoe, Nina, Callie, Marie, Terri, Emmy, and Emma. Oh, and there’s Jordan and Jordan with a Y instead of the A,” they say and continue to tell me each of their positions until they said “Done! Do you like it?” they asked.

“You did amazing, thank you so much!” I say, as I admire my new haircut. Then we both turn off the lights and slip into bed.

I moaned and shutter when I woke up because I worried that my parents would come to pick me up and punish me because I woke up late for the ballet, but I was met with a surprise. I woke up in the youth center. “Connor, get up, we need to make it to orientation! Come on get up!!” It was Kamaria.

Then it came flooding back to me. I got up to brush my teeth and my new short, almost translucent hair and got changed then met Kamaria at the room door. We ran way past all the rooms so we came to a turn and went left. We came to the orientation just in time. They just started, and the staff was introducing themselves. Wouldn’t it occur to me that I still haven’t seen their arm yet. “Hey I was wondering if I could see your arm lost only if you don’t mind.” I added it quickly.

“Sure," they said, sipping off their hoodie.

I saw it and it shocked me. They put their hoodie back on quickly. Well, each kid had to introduce each other. And I suddenly got extremely thirsty again. So I raised my hand and introduced myself “Hi, I’m Connor Bekele, I’m here because my parents didn’t support my transition and they were abusive. My dead name is Miranda and one interesting fact about me is that I know what time is because of how my skin feels in the sun because I’m albino,” I say and whisper to one of the adults to see if I could go to the bathroom and refill my water bottle, again.

I ran and did that and they sat down to listen to the rest of the kids introduce themselves. Then they started naming clubs, and I decided to sign up for drama club and LGBTQ plus club and apparently in my case, it was necessary to have a therapist counseling and into small kids support groups, but I didn’t mind. Then Kamaria, Samantha/Sam, Lucas, and I went to go to breakfast together. We all had signed up for LGBTQ plus club. You know where I end up. I'm gay and trans, Kamaria is non-binary, Samantha/Sam is gender fluid, and Lucas is questioning. Then I felt like I actually belonged. We were laughing, eating, crêpes, and getting to know each other and I personally kinda got to know myself. I actually felt free for once like my parents were shackles and this place was the key. “Want to play truth or dare?” Sam asked.

“Yeah, no harm in that,” I say.

“Sure, why not?” Kamaria said.

“What's the worst that could happen?” Lucas says.

“OK, Sam, truth, or dare,” Kamaria asked.

“Dare,” Sam said.

“I dare you to try the splits, both front and side splits,” Kamaria dared.

Sam went down on the floor to stretch. Then he went straight into a middle split. Then he stood up and went down into a perfect side split. We just stood there amazed. “OK Connor, truth or dare?” Sam asks.

“Truth,“ I said slowly, processing everything that just happened.

“Do you ever plan to dye your hair?”

“No, I like my hair translucent,“ I tell him. “Because it starts with trans as well”

Everyone seems to recover from Sam’s perfect splits. “Lucas's truth or dare?“ I asked.

“Truth.”

“What is something you have never told anyone?” I ask.

“OK, I’m not actually questioning. I just say that cause I don’t wanna tell people that I’m bi, but I am questioning my gender.

“OK, truth, or dare Kamaria? “Lucas asked.

“Dare, obviously,” she replied

“I dare you to do a one-handed cartwheel,” he said.

I saw something drop in their face. “OK, that’s the only thing I can do. But let’s first go upstairs so I have more space, “they say.

So we chopped down on the last bits of crepe and hurried up the stairs. “ OK, set, go!“ Kamaria says as they do a beautiful cartwheel, a one-handed one at that. “Let’s go

play, clue,” Kamaria suggested.

“OK, sounds like fun,“ we all replied.

We all walked to the corner, where they had board games and things like that. You think my parents are sorry I mean Themba and Thandiwe wouldn’t mind if I loved a boy since they refuse to accept that I want to be a boy. And honestly, transitioning to Connor was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made come to think of it. It’s probably my best followed by loving Liam and coming to the youth center

“Hey, I’m thirsty and need to use the bathroom again. I’m going to get a second water bottle. BRB.“

I was embarrassed because I was going to fill the other bottle with wine. I didn’t want to, but I felt like I needed to. Hey, at least in three hours I’ll have my first counseling session. I don’t know how I feel about it anymore. But I knew I couldn’t keep my friends waiting. So I ran up the stairs with energy in me. Partially from excitement and the other part from the wine. We played clue forever. First I thought it was Colonel mustard or whatever his name is, but then my theory was proven wrong when I found it I/Miss Scarlet did it. But to be honest, Sam won.

And then I heard the third couple come in today. Apparently it was very common because this place tripled as a daycare. But I felt good. Then it was ruined. “Miranda, what the hell did you do with your hair?!” Thandiwe asked.

“Miranda, honey come here this instant!” Themba shouted.

I tensed and clenched my notebook and water bottle. “Excuse me, I don’t think that’s your kid. What’s your kid's name?“ Bruce, the man behind the desk, asked.

“Miranda,” Thandiwe said.

“The only Miranda here is Miranda Balla Chally. But she was dropped off three minutes ago. Anything else I should search for?“ Bruce asks slightly.

“Try Kuma because that’s Miranda,” Thandiwe said.

“Who is Miranda?” Lucas asked.

“Nope, no one is under Kuma.“

“Well that’s our daughter!” Themba said, pointing at me.

“Sorry he’s not in your custody,” Bruce told them.

“Miranda!” They commenced towards me.

I gulped and looked at Kamaria. They returned the gaze, and we each gave the slightest of all nods. “I don’t know Miranda, but he’s Connor,” Kamaria declared.

Then Lucas and Sam chimed in “yeah, we don’t know Miranda either, but he’s Connor.“

I got my parents coming towards me. I clench and clench my hands. Themba’s fist grabbed towards me so I stepped back and said “I don’t know Miranda, but I’m Connor Tino Bekele,” I say confidently knowing this would be the last time my parents boss me around.