The Lies I Tell Myself

The first person I killed often visits my nightmares, but it’s the second who haunts me while I’m awake. His bruised face appears in the foggy alleys I pass. His voice whispers in the breeze that tickles my ears. Reminding me that I haven’t earned forgiveness.

That I am not enough.

“I’ll always know what you really are, Akira,” he whispers. “You can’t hide behind that mask.”

I sigh and let my gaze drift from the skyscrapers glowing with neon signs to the black sky above. Maybe my mentor would know why I have visions of David. Maybe it’s a side effect of my gift—because I can see the future, I can never escape the past.

Something skitters behind me. I expect David, but when I turn, it’s my little brother kicking stones across the empty street. At thirteen, he’s all bony limbs and restless energy. He wears the plastic mask I gave him, blue with teeth like an oni.

“Nii-san,” he whines, calling me by the Japanese for older brother. “Chikai no? Tsumannai.”

“English,” I say. He needs practice. We don’t live in Japantown anymore.

Sen groans and runs a hand through his black hair. “It is…nearby yet? I feel…boring.”

“‘Bored,’” I correct. I promised our parents’ souls that I’ll make both of us into the smartest, strongest, best versions of ourselves. Even if I never become someone they’d be proud of, I’ll make sure Sen does.

He kicks another stone into the glow of a streetlight as we continue our uphill trek. “But it is nearby yet?”

“We’re almost there.” I pull off my glasses and wipe off a smudge of dirt on my equally dirty jacket. An ache travels up my legs and I fight off a yawn. I should have brought more coffee.

When I put my glasses back on, David appears in front of me.

I jump, reaching for the katana at my waist.

“Nani nani?” Sen says, sounding eager for action.

David laughs and disappears into the fog.

“It’s nothing,” I mutter.

We walk past a neon advertisement for NovaCorp soda and turn at the end of the street. Where I finally see my target.

A statue of Tobias Contari, founder of NovaCorp, holding a sword toward the sky.

Surrounded by lampposts and flowerbeds.

This is the last place I could think of that might have carnations. I visited all of our contacts, every public garden, and even the yards of the fancy houses near the dam.

“What will one flower really do?” David whispers.

I straighten the mask over my nose and mouth and nod to Sen. We split up, starting near the statue and moving away, searching the beds for carnations. White flowers, yellow flowers, blue flowers in little clusters. If they’re not here…

I sigh with relief and drop to my knees in front of a patch of carnations. Dozens of pink flowers.

Gabi has been asking for them for months, but some flowers are hard to find. Ever since I realized her eighteenth birthday was close, I’ve been searching.

Almost didn’t make it. Her birthday started two hours ago.

I dig them out at the roots. Maybe she can replant them in the garden and tell me about the shape of their petals with her musical voice. And I’ll pretend I’m not distracted by the way her lips move and the bright smiles she gives.

My mentor recently taught me the English word nurturing. That’s exactly what Gabi is. She can take anything broken and nurture it until it’s whole again. She makes things grow.

Instead of me, who destroys things.

I’m not good. I don’t deserve her.

But I dig the carnations out of the dirt if only to make her smile.

“You really think that will be enough?” David’s ghost crouches beside me. The nearest lamppost shines off his bald head and the purple bruise on his cheek.

I add another carnation to the growing pile in my hand.

“She’ll never love you,” David insists. “You’re a killer. A monster. You’ll never be whole again.”

My gut twists as though I’ve been kicked. It’s a familiar feeling I’ve started to call my danger sense.

I drop the carnations and jump to my feet. Across the garden, a man stalks toward Sen, who doesn’t seem to notice. The man wears a black and white uniform. A Knight uniform.

NovaCorp’s corrupt police force.

I sprint toward them while the Knight places a hand on the sword at his waist.

Sen sees me first. The Knight turns, but he’s too late.

Our bodies collide. We crash through dirt and flowers. Leaves snag in my hair.

A gust of wind pushes me away and sets the Knight gently on his feet.

I roll upright and study him. His blond hair sticks out at every angle like Sen’s first thing in the morning. He flicks a leaf off his shoulder, and a breeze carries it away.

Wind manipulation must be his gift.

He looks between me and Sen, noting our curse-eater masks. “Two curse-eaters in one night? Desecrating a Tobias memorial?” He chuckles. “Your heads will make me rich.”

According to the most recent wanted posters, I’m worth several thousand credits, dead or alive. The price of defying NovaCorp.

“Leave us alone,” I say.

He raises his eyebrows in a taunt. “Or what?”

I take a deep breath so my pulse slows. In the space between heartbeats, I let my mind go forward.

Into the future.

Everything unfolds as though it’s actually happening. Only the slight buzzing in my head, protesting the use of my gift, signals that it’s not.

In two seconds, the Knight will fling his arms upward, unleashing two powerful slices of wind. In five, the wind will hit Sen and me. The buzzing in my head turns into a sharp pain as I try to press further.

I release my breath and return to the present.

I dive for Sen.

The Knight flings his arms upward. Two powerful slices of wind tear through the garden, upsetting the flowers, but I pull Sen out of their paths. The wind does nothing other than ruffle my jacket.

The Knight looks me over. “You’re the one they call Timekeeper, aren’t you? Some say you’ve never been injured in battle.” He grins. “I bet my captain a hundred credits I’ll be the first to maim you.”

NovaCorp law allows Knights to abuse anyone, as long as they can claim it was in service to NovaCorp.

Knights like him enjoy that law.

“Nii-san.” Sen tugs my sleeve. “Let me fight.”

“No.” I push him behind the statue of Tobias so he’s protected. I’ve been training him, but I didn’t let him bring a weapon tonight. He’s too reckless.

The Knight draws his sword. I draw mine and search the future again. This time, he’ll throw a horizontal gust of wind to knock me off-balance before rushing in for a killing stroke.

Not anymore.

I duck. The wind blows back my hair, but I keep my balance. I raise my sword to block his strike. The sound of our blades clashing echoes off the statue.

This dance continues. I watch the future for his next action and adjust accordingly. But I’ve never fought someone with wind manipulation before. Though I can see it coming, I have few options for blocking it.

He uses this, forcing me on the defensive. Pushing me backward through the flowerbeds until I realize I’m trampling the carnations.

No, not the—

The next gust tears apart the carnations and throws me into the dirt. David appears beside me, a smile on his bruised face. “See? Now you’re destroying her flowers. Still a killer.”

With a shout, Sen launches himself into the Knight. He tries to take the Knight’s weapon.

It’s not much of a competition. My brother’s throat is already in the Knight’s free hand.

I dive into the future. In five seconds, the Knight will still be raising his sword toward Sen. I push further, ignoring the sharp pain in my head.

In eight seconds, he’ll stab Sen through the chest.

I return to the present, spring to my feet, and search the future again. If I charge in, he’ll throw Sen to the ground and my brother’s head will crack against the base of the statue.

Gritting my teeth, I adjust again. Each time I do this, I lose a second, ticking down on Sen’s life. My skull threatens to split open with the effort.

But I don’t stop until I see a future I can live with.

I throw myself at them and take them both down. My arm encircles Sen’s head and hits the hard statue base in his place. The Knight’s sword carves into my abdomen.

I slip behind the Knight and wrap one arm around his sword arm to stop him from using it again. And the other around his neck.

He’s pinned. Gasping. Fighting me, fighting for air. The gash in my stomach screams with the strain.

His free hand reaches back and blasts wind in my face. My glasses blow away. He grabs my ear but his strength is fading.

Fading, then gone.

I release his limp body onto the stone path around the statue. His chest moves as he breathes.

Alive.

He’s alive.

My body shudders with relief. Something drips from my nose, and when I lift my hand, it comes away sticky with blood. This always happens when I overuse my gift.

“Why did you spare the Knight?” David whispers behind me. “You didn’t spare me.”

Sen approaches me with wide eyes. He slowly pushes my glasses back onto my face. “You are okay?”

“The flowers,” I say.

While Sen’s back is turned, I peek at the gash in my stomach. Every time I move my right arm, it pulls at the torn skin.

So he injured me after all. But he might not have noticed, so my reputation should stay intact.

Ever since the rumors started, I’ve tried to maintain the image that I’m untouchable. If I’m so powerful that nothing can touch me, the Knights will be too afraid to come after us. Too afraid to hurt anyone I love like the day they murdered my parents and left Sen to die.

So far, it’s just another lie.

My entire life has been a series of lies. When I was born, it was the lie that NovaCorp would provide for its people. Instead, they starved us during the protein famine of 2056 and slaughtered my parents for doing what they needed to keep me alive.

Then it was the lie that fifteen-year-old me could ever hope to pay off the hospital bills for saving Sen’s life. NovaCorp’s Knights gave him those injuries and NovaCorp doctors profited from them.

I joined the Knights because I believed the lie that it would free me from debt slavery. Turned out I had joined a different kind of slavery. One that cost my soul.

The curse-eaters gave me a way out, and now I’m caught in the lie that bringing Gabi a carnation will erase my past. David will never let me forget what I’ve done.

I zip my jacket to hide my injury as Sen returns with a single carnation. “All are broken,” he says, “but this one.”

I take the carnation and prepare to either continue living in my current lie or watch it break like the rest.

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Sen falls asleep on the El train, so I carry him the rest of the way home. The curse-eaters live in an ancient church along a dried riverbed. The stone building is concealed by a camouflage dome that makes it invisible from the outside.

When I push open the doors to the great hall, there’s a soft light illuminating the paneled walls. Gabi snores quietly in an armchair, her long brown hair spilling over the back.

Was she waiting for us?

After I bring Sen to our room, I search the infirmary for an empty vase for the carnation. David taunts me while I clean and bandage the gash in my stomach.

I set the vase on a table beside Gabi’s chair. A strand of hair has fallen over her nose. The left side of her face is twisted from acid scars, the work of human traffickers that NovaCorp once sold her to.

At this point, the scars only make her more beautiful. She suffered horribly, but she chooses to stay gentle and kind. She chooses to greet life with a smile as bright as the sunflowers on her sweater.

I reach to move the strand of hair off her nose, but stop at the sight of my hands. Rough, scarred, callused.

The hands of a killer.

I pull my hand back and sit on the floor to wait for her to wake.

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I meant to stay awake, but I find myself jolting out of a nightmare. Sunlight filters into the great hall, but something else is brighter.

Gabi. She’s holding the carnation to her nose, her eyes on me.

I straighten. The hard wall presses into my back and my body is stiff. But none of that seems important.

“Happy birthday,” I say.

Her lips lift into the smile that makes my heart run away without me.

“I was worried you left for good,” she says. “Peter was going to send out a search party if you didn’t come back by morning.”

I could never leave her, no matter how many times David tries to convince me to.

She sets the vase down and glides to the floor beside me. Her thumb touches my cheek, making electricity jolt under my skin. She wipes a smudge of dirt off my face. I think I’m not breathing.

“Akira.” She’s so close I can smell her lavender perfume and see flecks of gold in her green eyes. “I realized something. Last night, when you disappeared, and I didn’t know if you were okay, the thought of never seeing you again…” Her brow furrows. “And when I saw the carnation this morning, and you there covered in dirt…”

I don’t understand where this is going.

She takes a deep breath. “I’m in love with you.”

I jerk back in surprise and hit my head on the wall. David screams that it’s impossible, that I heard wrong.

“Eh?” is all I can say.

“I think you love me, too,” she says. “You’re just too stubborn to say it.”

I wasn’t prepared for this. She was supposed to smile and accept the carnation and continue like nothing changed.

“You shouldn’t love me,” I say, not sure if those are David’s words or mine.

She narrows her eyes, her voice taking a dangerous edge. “And why not?”

I open and close my mouth, searching for the words. “You’re zenryou—Er, you’re good. You make things grow. I destroy things. Look at my hands next to yours.”

Hers are soft, gentle, slender.

“Mine are hands of a killer.”

She shakes her head. “You have the hands of a warrior.”

“That’s the same—”

“No it’s not!” Her eyes blaze. Last time I saw this expression, she threw a rosebush at me. “Get up.”

“What?”

“Come on.”

I follow her outside, wondering if we’re headed toward another rosebush. The wound on my stomach stabs with pain for every step I take.

Gravel crunches under Gabi’s shoe as she whips toward me. “Look at the dome,” she says.

I lift my head. The bell tower nearly spears the dome over the church. The dome is a metal frame that lets wind and sunlight through. What makes it camouflage is a holographic layer that’s invisible from here.

“The dome stops the bad guys. That’s how it keeps me, and your brother, and the rest of us safe. Is it a bad dome because it doesn’t grow flowers? No. It does what it’s good at.”

She jabs my chest and continues. “You’re a warrior. That doesn’t make you a bad person. Sure, you’ve made mistakes, but who hasn’t? You provide a home for your brother. You give me something to grow and a safe place to grow it in. Without you, I wouldn’t be able to do what I’m good at. Without you, NovaCorp would have killed me by now. How can I not love you?”

The sunrise makes her hair glow, which is distracting when I’m trying to figure out her words. I didn’t know it was possible for her to see me this way. For anyone to see me this way. I don’t know the English for the feeling blooming in my chest.

Gabi takes my hand, calluses and all, and presses it to her warm cheek.

Forget English. I don’t even know the Japanese for this feeling.

She gives me that smile I love. Something deep within me, the ghost of an old injury, seems to mend. I trace her cheekbone where smooth skin meets her scar. “I’m sorry I made you worry,” I say.

Giggling, she wraps her arms around me. Her hand bumps my wound and I hiss at the pain.

“What’s wrong?” Worry creases her forehead. Before I can stop her, she lifts the bottom of my shirt until the bandages are visible. “Great skies, Akira. Don’t tell me that happened last night.”

“Okay. I won’t tell you.”

She shoves me, a mixture of concern and amusement in her eyes. “How bad is it? Don’t you need—”

I grab her waist and pull her against me. That injury is the last thing I care about right now. “It was worth it,” I say, and I kiss her.

She challenged a different lie than the one I expected. Once again, she took something broken and made it whole.

And for the first time since his death, David stays silent.