SURPRISE!

SURPRISE!

By

Les Clark

She’s Mona. He’s Jeff.

I moved in right after their first anniversary. I have a nice place. It’s cozy, warm and stocked with all the food I’ll ever need. For the time being, I’m a shut in. It was an accident, maybe even luck because I beat out so many others to get here. And this place was available.

As they settled in, you should have heard all the discussions about furniture, TV and money. They did, however, work out a budget. He’s in law enforcement and she’s a graphic designer working from home.

One day, they realized they were going to need another car. Well, his idea. Jeff was interested in something high end with gadgets. I don’t think she liked that. The foot tapping thing gave it away. With some hesitation, since he’s new at this, he asked her if she liked red. I could tell that became a problem because it set her off. Her father is a mechanic, and she knows metric from standard. Jeff was really impressed when she offered to change his oil. That got a lot of laughs followed by much giggling and enough movement to upset the neighbors. And me. They need to do something about the springs.

Both sets of parents came to the housewarming party. It was quite the wild time...with consequences. The floor shook with all that clod-hopping music. Then there was a lot of gorging with the food they brought. Beer, which Mona eschews. Deviled eggs. Tuna casserole. Bratwurst with beans. It was enough to make Mona sick. We all crowded in their bathroom hoping she’d be okay. Jeff thought he’d pass out. When his mother took him aside, Jeff was incredulous this wouldn’t be the first time.

The noise died down afterwards. Well, some noises made them laugh. I did my best to stay quiet.

Aside from everything, they tend to go at it a lot. Do I have to explain? It doesn’t matter the time or place. He’ll say something to her; she’ll laugh out loud. I can barely hear her when she answers, whispers really and he wants to know how she knows those things. Such talk. I wish I could see her face. Or the surprised look on his. I get the impression they haven’t completely talked about their backgrounds. She wants to know where he’s been and what he’s done and with whom? I heard him clear his throat a lot and his sudden need to buy some screwdrivers.

Back to me. My place is cozy and warm. Food is abundant. I’ve got enough space for now but more about that in a while. One day, there were new pipes. The gurgling kept me awake. I need my sleep, so I gave the wall a good whack. I kept it up for a while until it got quiet. That was a good snooze.

The weekends are the worst. Don’t they know people are trying to rest? My goodness, they make such a racket. HEY! Lift your feet. Wear socks. All day long, it’s gabbing on the phone, talking to each other or yelling at something horrendous on tv. If it’s not the radio with Mona blasting away some pop star bemoaning a cheating lover, it’s the political back and forth. Finally, if it isn’t their yapping, it’s Jeff’s commander calling to fill a callout or somebody’s mother coming over unannounced. And we can’t forget the planning over what to do today. Or tonight. Should they do takeout? Chinese? Thai? Italian? Tex-Mex was her favorite but it makes the place inhabitable.

Hey, I can hear all that. These walls are so thin, nothing is muted. You’d think there’d be some consideration. Oh, good...Jeff is making omelets. I can go back to catching 40 winks.

These two carry on like no one is listening. She asks him about work, wanting to know what Larry at the station did to upset the Chief. He tells her he’s working on the Harrow case (coincidentally, a harrowing case) but the printer broke. Mona feigns interest because what Jeff does is frightening. I’m stuck within earshot taking all this in. Someday I’ll write a book.

Uh, oh. He said something and now she’s crying. It’s very upsetting. I can’t do anything...or can I? I can bang on the walls. Yes. That worked. They stopped talking. Wait. Wait. Silence. He’s holding her tight. I know where this is going. Even I can feel it.

He’s making her tea. What a nice guy. It must be caffeine free. They’ve talked about that. They both know she needs her sleep, but it’s often interrupted with some record setting slamming of the bathroom door.

Let’s talk about a cat. He’s had dogs all his life. Mainly big ones. Manly dogs. She asked him about his schnauzer. More screaming and laughing. I did hear German Shepherd and what was that...a Belgian Malinois. Easy for him to say. But she wants a cat. Before she met him she had Thumper, the identical twins she called Mittens and Gloves and Aristotle, a lump if there ever was one. She stressed over him needing an oxygen tent because he had asthma. Jeff is fascinated with her devotion. Now they’re thinking a cat is not a good idea because of the furniture. And Jeff admitted he has allergies. So, no cat. Good thing, too, because they shed. Cleaning the kitty litter is also an issue for Mona. Jeff made a comedic showing of how he sneezes because of dust and ragweed and yadda yadda yadda. She was so disgusted, fun and games were delayed a few days.

Then there was the day a plumbing problem came to light. Well, it started out that way. Maybe even my fault which I’m happy to deny. The whole building started to shake. It was especially noisy in my place. I had been doing exercises, you know, like spinning my arms, jumping jacks, squats when there came a terrible upheaval. I don’t know if I clipped one of those pipes but man, they were more frail than I thought.

Jeff swiftly went to Mona’s aid because the convulsion had her bent over. Was it something I did in my place? I didn’t mean to cause her a problem. He was so concerned. Mona, and you’ll pardon the pun, moaned once. She was babbling. Jeff was trying to comprehend what it meant when her water broke. That’s when his training kicked in.

You know, I was just minding my own business when everything caved in, and I was squeezed out of what was my very comfortable place. Man those lights are bright. I was so happy to be free I started crying. Jeff and Mona cried, too.

More excitement, then someone is welcoming Scottie Arnold into the world.

Oh, that’s me.

I didn’t like it when I heard someone say they had to cut something in a few days. After what I’ve been through, that doesn’t sound appealing.

I’ll have enough time to mount an offense.