I’m Not Yours To Keep

It’s official. I have one more hour until my new life begins. My belongings now downsized to just two suitcases and a carry on duffel bag. It doesn’t seem real. Just a few short months ago I submitted a simple application to continue my education and study at my dream college in New Zealand. I didn’t believe that I’d actually get the opportunity, especially after my best friend Isaac read over my submission essay and said it wouldn't stand a chance against the other big- wigs. I know he would never lie to me, nor would he sugar coat the truth. But here I am. Me. Laynee. One hour away from the rest of my life.

As I sit on the floor of the air port, my back resting against my duffle bag and my favorite book in hand- I can’t help but reminisce over my life. Not that it was great, but I was one of the few who made the best of it and I made it out alive. My biological parents were young at just fourteen years old when they found out I was coming. They decided they couldn’t handle a child and there began my journey in foster care. Like anyone, I had my ups and downs. I met good people and bad people. In the end though, just like my biological parents, nobody wanted me.

At the age of ten, along came Isaac. Even back then, he was the cutest jock around. All the girls wanted him and all the boys wanted to be him. I was the new girl in fourth grade coming in late to the school year, with no idea who this boy was that all of the girls were drooling over, nor did I particularly care if I’m being honest. Come recess, girls were already spreading rumors about the new girl who dressed weird and had crooked teeth. When the teacher wasn’t looking a group of girls picked up an over full trash can and dumped it on me. I was beyond humiliated. Then, like my own knight in shining armor, here came Isaac. He scared the group of bully’s away, offered his hand to pull me to my feet, and then helped me clean myself up. No matter the distance from that day on, I had a friend. Someone who cared for me, even when fosters couldn’t stand me and sent me on my way over and over. At least I had Isaac to hold on to.

Somewhere around the age of thirteen, I realized I had more than just friendly feelings for Isaac, but when I tried to tell him he laughed me off and told me, “Laynee, you know I love you, too. You’re like my sister.” From that moment on, I knew he would never feel the same for me, as I did for him. So I watched. I watched my best friend- my brother- go through girl after girl, day after day. I watched their hearts break over and over as Isaac would come up with yet another reason why they wouldn't work out, and all I kept thinking was, “doesn’t he realize none of them feel right, because they aren’t me?” He never did come to that same conclusion as me, though.

Come my eighteenth birthday, I finally aged out of the system. People came and went… well, mostly they just went. I watched Isaac grow from the ten year old boy who loved sports into the eighteen year old man who got any girl he wanted. But who wouldn't want him? He’s going away to college this year on a full ride football scholarship. He’s the type of guy who helps the elderly cross the road. He’s the absolute definition of perfection. Like, no joke, I’m fairly certain if you google perfection his photo would come up.

Over the years, Isaac supported me with every job application, every college application, and even helped me get my drivers license. My heart feeling so full and yet so torn as I sit here thinking about how upset he will be when he finds out that the application I submitted- the one he insisted didn’t stand a chance and I shouldn’t even bother wasting my time with a submission- was accepted. Not only was it accepted, but they even offered me a full ride scholarship to study writing- a dream of mine from ever since I can remember. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him in person, so I had sent him a text this morning. He would still be asleep, but by the time he saw it, I’d be long gone. I was not going to give him the chance of changing my mind.

After eight years, I finally woke up and had to accept that he never wanted me. He liked that he could control me by using my fear of being alone again against me. It took me a long time to accept this, but after a few days of deliberation, I clicked accept on my offer letter. It was the hardest decision I could have ever made, because it’s the first real decision I have ever made for myself. I love Isaac, but after years of watching him manipulate girls like pawns on a chess board, I realized he only wants the girls he can control. It’s all a game to him, and it was past time for me to remove myself from the board.

I wiped the tears from my eyes, thinking I was resolute in my decision- when I saw him. I feel myself blinking a few times, as if my mind is playing a trick on me and blinking could wipe the scene clear like an etch-a-sketch; only he’s still there. I feel my heart rate pick up as he scans the terminal and I sink lower into the floor, but somehow, he still spots me.

He looks furious as he strides toward me. I hurry to stand up, grabbing my backpack, as I hear the first call to board, my resolve shaky as I see his face. Isaac reaches me and pulls me in for a tight hug. He truly gives the best hugs, and I feel my traitorous tears slipping free again as I bury my face in his hoodie. Then, Isaac does something he has never done before and certainly not something I ever expected- he pulls away just slightly and uses one finger under my chin to tilt my face up, so that I am forced to meet his eyes- those same beautiful ocean blue eyes that I have spent hours dreaming of- and then he kisses me. It’s soft, warm, and sweet. It’s everything and so much more than I could have ever imagined.

The moment is over as fast as it started. Isaac backs away two steps from me, his hands now grabbing the tops of my arms, pinning me in place as he gently shakes me and demands to know what it is that I am doing. All I can manage is to stare wide eyed at him as he admits that he has always loved me, he was just so scared of messing up the friendship we had spent years building to give us a try- but now that he realized he was losing me, he had to come and talk some sense into me.

That is what snaps me out of the trance he had put me under. What did he mean “talk some sense into me?” I had worked so hard for so many years to have this opportunity at a better life. Shouldn’t my best friend be cheering me on? When I ask him what he means his reply is the final piece I needed to know without a doubt, that I made the right choice by clicking accept. “You won’t survive in the real world without me, Laynee. You know that. I’m all you’ve got and you think you can just leave me? What is wrong with you?!”

I hear the final call to board my flight and hesitate. Maybe he’s right? After all, he truly is the only one who has stuck by my side. But then I think back to all of the girls he played with. I think back to all of the times guilted me into doing things I was not comfortable with. I think back to a short moment ago when he kissed me just to convince me that I was making the wrong choice. So instead of falling back into old habits, I step away from him, give a small smile, and tell the boy I loved for eight years goodbye. There’s no turning back now, as I turn on my heels and walk towards my new beginning, not knowing what it will hold, but knowing that sometimes the people you held onto for dear life, are the same people you need to let go of in the end, in order to live your life.