Let There Be

The light behind her eyes was gone. Nora didn't notice its absence at first. Not while brushing her teeth, her hair, nor the lint off of her shirt. Not as she took the same bus down the same roads to the same job and coffee shop. She simply woke up and went about her morning. Through the motions she went and then through the door as she always did, not paying any mind to the lack. What difference did it make anyhow, that sparkle of life that used to ignite when the air briefly smelled like that one sunny day in the third grade or when a little dog gently kissed her ankle as she walked by on the sidewalk? There were things to do! Espresso to press! Customers to appease!

And appease she did. Busying herself between making orders, refreshing the pastry stands, stealing away for half a cigarette with her coworkers between rushes, Nora didn't have time to feel. There was nothing to consider except making it home on time to feed her cat, Cyrus, and whether she'd catch the bus or splurge on an Uber just to get a few extra minutes to meander along the storefronts nearby. Even empty girls need a hobby, and window shopping happened to be Nora's favorite lately since her wallet and countenance had grown to have much in common.

Closing time came and went uneventfully. She'd decided on the bus since they'd locked up with just enough time for her to reach her stop before it arrived but not enough for her to lollygag without facing the wrath of late-dinner-Cyrus. As she watched her city blur passed the window, her phone buzzed in her loose grasp.

hey pretty girl. home soon?

Samson, her childhood neighbor and current object of affection, had become a regular fixture in Nora's life. A sweet boy with a sweet family and a good head on his shoulders, but not enough to fill the internal vacancy that Nora had grown accustomed to. She sometimes pitied him. Couldn't he see that he could do better? He deserved fun, tenderness, devotion, all in levels of which Nora didn't believe herself capable. But as Samson was not one to be thwarted, another message came in before she could think respond.

sure ur prob busy with work but dinner on me tomorrow? missing you

Nora locked her screen and tucked her phone into her sleeve. Surely dinner with him wouldn't hurt, right? Or was she playing a cruel game, letting him fall deeper into his infatuation as she listened to his jokes and compliments echo in the hollow of her chest? It wasn't that she didn't like him. Samson was wonderful, considerate, and everything she needed. So why did she still feel like this? It just didn't seem fair to drag him along as she figured it out. She thought about this and contemplated how she'd respond for the rest of the evening as she fed Cyrus his timely meal, as she made herself hers, and throughout the rest of her mechanical routine.

*

That night as she slept with little Cyrus tucked beside her foot, Nora wandered aimlessly in her dream. The sky was a menagerie of different hues, for some of which there was no name on the other side of this plane. Of this too, she initially didn't take much notice. The streets were empty, a mashup of paths she'd walked before and places she'd never seen in the way only dreams were capable of. As she passed vacant shop corners and towering facades, the only sound she heard was that of her footsteps and the gentle breeze. She wasn't sure whether to feel glad to be alone or empty - not that she'd had much choice in the matter anyway.

After a bit of wandering, she found a small bench alongside of the gilded curb and thought it nice enough to rest her feet for a while. Devoid of material for quality people watching, she directed her eyes to the sky. Demanding to be witnessed, it shimmered and danced as though just for her. She mindlessly hummed a tune she'd heard playing earlier at work, though she couldn't quite remember the words. This was the closest to content Nora had been in a long time, and the closest to glad she'd felt for the moment of peace.

 As she heard footsteps distantly approaching, she didn't startle. She didn't wonder. She simply sat, continuing to hum and witness the sky's preening until the footsteps stopped behind the bench.

"May I?"

Nora nodded. "Of course."

The Man came around to the front of the bench and sat beside Nora, an air of familiarity settling between the two as it had the last time he'd appeared in her dream, and the time before that, and the time before.

She never quite knew when to expect him, but it had become frequent enough that it no longer surprised her. She was never afraid of The Man, she duly noted to herself on one of these occasions. He was friendly and wise enough that she always looked forward to what he had to say. Tonight, he decided not to mince words.

"I could give it back, you know."

"Did you take something?" She turned to look at him inquisitively while still trying to maintain her air of nonchalance. He was already looking at her.

In her waking hours, Nora could never quite pin down what The Man looked like. It was as though the harder she looked and the more she tried to remember, the more his likeness continued to shift. It was as though he fluctuated with the sky, as if the dream couldn't ever fully decide how to depict him. Despite this, she felt the warmth of his thigh as they sat side by side. Though her eyes could not recognize him, something in her body and soul always knew him to be the same Man no matter what face he appeared to be wearing that day, or at that moment.

He has kind eyes, she thought to herself fleetingly. He always has kind eyes. That was all of his image she was allowed to keep.

"Rather than taken, you left it behind. I've been holding it for safe keeping, but I was wondering if you'd like it back for a while."

"What is it then? How did I not notice?"

Instead of answering he posed another question which was typical of him to do, much to Nora's dismay.

"How are you feeling?"

She huffed. "I feel fine. What is it you want to give me?"

He smiled at her impatience. Such a funny Man, amused in the face of her annoyance as though they were old friends. Once again, he asked her a question in response to her own.

"Do you know what your name means, Eleanora?"

She crossed her arms and sat back on the bench, irritated but knowing that she'd have to play along. Otherwise, he'd be cryptic and vague all evening, and tonight Nora wasn't much in the mood.

"Tell me." Though she'd entertain his line of questioning, she wasn't up for guessing games. In her mind, the quickest way out was barreling through. This seemed to amuse him further.

"One of the meanings," He sat back, matching her stance. "is light. Shining light."

For a moment, she remained silent as she pondered this. She'd never really taken the time to look up the meaning of her name nor had anyone taken the time to explain it to her. For twenty-six long years, to everyone she met she was just plain old Nora. Even so, she wasn't sure where The Man was going with this, so she just shrugged.

"So, what?"

"You've lost yours."

At this, Nora was a bit taken aback. Naturally, immediate offense swelled in her chest. How dare he! Who was this Man, to invade her dreams and tell her who she was or wasn't? That she had no light inside of her? Before she could cough out a broken "Excuse me?", he continued.

"How do you feel, Eleanora, when you're going through your day serving coffee? How about when Cyrus places his head on your lap or when that boy brings over your favorite flowers?"

Once again, Nora resorted to silence. I'm a happy person, aren't I? She thought sullenly. But as quick as the thought blossomed, it was snuffed out in the face of her truth. One that she'd blatantly ignored every day in the mirror, on the bus, at work, and even here where she was free to be herself.

"I can give it back to you. But will you hold it? Or will you toss it away?"

Nora bristled once more. "Why would I toss it away? Do you think I want to be like this?"

The Man didn't flinch. He seemed unmoved by her fiery display, if not a bit pitying, which made Nora's eyes burn with threatened emotion. He didn't acknowledge that he noticed, and for this she was grateful.

"I don't think you'd try, but sometimes it's hard to keep hold of tightly. It's not your fault, Nora. It wasn't your fault the first time you'd left it with me nor is it now."

"It's just that easy, huh?" Nora scoffed. "You just give me this "light" back or whatever that I only lost because of all the disappointment and trauma? If you can do that, why didn't you just make sure that all of those things didn't happen in the first place?"

He turned to face her now, not stern or harsh - just serious. He placed a hand delicately over her heart. She felt his warmth over her shirt but also reaching somewhere deep into the recesses of her chest that she could not fully comprehend. She gasped at the sensation but did not turn away.

"I will explain all of this to you one day. I'm sorry that for now I cannot make you understand." She felt the warmth of his hand radiating, encroaching on the hollowness that lived within her. "This is my gift to you. It is up to you whether you keep it or toss it away. I will see you again soon, Eleanora."

*

She startled awake. Cyrus trilled quietly at the foot of her bed, stretching and then rolling onto his other side, slightly bothered at the interruption of his slumber. Nora grabbed her phone from the bedside table and realized she was an hour earlier than her alarm. Huffing, she flopped back onto her pillow. Try as she might, sleep continued to evade Nora until she eventually gave up and defeatedly trudged to go brush her teeth.

"Don’t feel any different." She muttered to herself as she made her way through her apartment. Cyrus followed and circled sleepily at her feet, coaxing her back to bed and into their usual schedule to no avail. "I know, bud. Too early."

As she knelt to scratch between his ears, Cyrus purred and flopped onto his side, inviting her to rub his belly. Nora narrowed her eyes knowingly, clued into his schemes, but decided to humor him anyways. Right as she laid her hand on his soft middle, he playfully curled in, nipping at her fingers and wrapping his paws around her as though he had captured unwitting prey. A small laugh bubbled up within her, thrashing her hand around in jest as she "struggled" to escape.

"Oh no, you got me! Let me go, you crazy killer!"

They played for a few more moments before Cyrus finally released her hand, satisfied with his victory. She gave him a small kiss on the forehead as reward for his prowess and proceeded to the bathroom. She went through the usual motions - brushed her teeth, washed her face, moisturizer. Before stepping away, she took another look in the mirror as she considered The Man's words that lingered in her head. Maybe she did look a bit more rested, but that could have been contributed to her early evening, right?

She pondered further as she curated her outfit, as she made herself a tea and enjoyed her breakfast by the window that faced the street. She watched as neighbors scurried off to their commutes while the sun continued getting brighter over their little street. She watched sparrows flit from tree branches to the powerlines, scooting slightly to make room for another as they sat wing to wing.

Nora's phone buzzed with some general notification about weather and she realized that she still hadn't responded to Samson. He hadn't pressured or said anything further, and she felt a small pang of guilt once she'd remembered. Scrounging around in her brain for the best answer that wasn't too eager nor aloof (obviously), she shot off a quick message before she could talk herself out of it.

good morning sammy, sorry im late. dinner sounds great. usual time?

A few moments later, her phone began to ring. She picked up without hesitation.

"Good morning, pretty girl."

"Good morning, Sammy. Sorry again, I completely spaced after work yesterday."

"You're all good. I saw that new place on 5th finally opened and I wanted to check it out together. I'll pick you up after work if that's cool."

"Oh, the noodle place? Yeah, that sounds good to me. Maybe I'll doll up for you." She jested. 

She could hear his grin over the phone as he replied, "Oh? Well scratch that, I'll have to take you somewhere nicer." He teased. "But alright, cool. I won't hold you up, I know you're getting ready for work. I'll text you when I'm on my way."

They said their parting words and she moved forward through her morning, feeding Cyrus and getting ready to leave for her day. As she was locking the door, her phone buzzed once more.

you sound like you're feeling a lot better love :) have a good day!

With a slight blush that she would absolutely deny if confronted, she shuffled to her bus stop. She still didn't really feel that different if you asked her, but it was indeed a nice day - undeniably so. The sun was out, the gentle caress of the breeze felt good on her skin, and her bus was on time. Not much else a girl could ask for in a morning, to be fair.

Her morning ride was uneventful until about two stops before her own. Sitting on the bench across from her, a small older lady sat alongside a little girl, no older than about four or five. Fingers sticky with something sweet and pacifying, the child swung her feet gently as they rode along, sometimes shyly making eye contact with Nora and then quickly looking away as though she'd been caught doing something naughty. On the third link of eyes, Nora smiled gently. Emboldened, the child smiled back and waved. The older woman accompanying the child looked on fondly but said nothing, giving them privacy in their sweet exchange.

As the bus slowed to let off another passenger, the little girl scooted forward on her seat and thrust out her grubby little fist, clenching a small dandelion in tribute to the pretty woman who offered her a smile. Nora smiled again and asked "For me?"

When the child nodded, she took it gingerly, thanked the sweet girl, and shared a gentle smile with the older lady beside her. Soon, the bus began approaching her stop so she grabbed her bag, said a small goodbye, and tucked the little broken-stemmed weed behind her ear to protect it in her transition. Zipping off of the bus with a brief thank you to the driver, she made her way into work.

Through the motions she went and the day breezed by without much ado. Later, just outside of the kitchen door as they passed around their usual celebratory post-rush cigarette, one of Nora's coworkers nudged her arm, gesturing toward her ear. "Cute."

She flushed, having forgot about the small weed, but left it in place. "A kid gave it to me on the bus this morning. She was so sweet."

"Aww, I love that. I miss being able to do childish shit like picking dandelions, you know? Kids can do whatever they want."

The conversation continued on around Nora as the cigarette went out and everyone retreated back inside to finish their shift but something about the exchange nudged against something uncomfortable in Nora. As she continued in her work, she pushed deeper to figure out why.

Childish. A simple and familiar word, but one that grew an ugly connotation. Nora with her childish dreams, her childish figure, her childish ways. Why can't you let that childish stuff go? It's time to be a woman. She bristled lightly, wiping a table as her brain unhelpfully replayed scenes and voices she'd worked so hard to forget. She thought back on those moments, how small she'd felt, the emptying of herself bit by bit with every verbal lashing.

She thought back to the small child on the bus and the flower behind her ear. She thought about Cyrus, always content even with just the two of them as they were. She thought about Samson, happy to hear her voice though she was only a few characters away. She thought about The Man, concerned with the state of her soul and willing to renew her in a way she couldn't comprehend. These things that she'd not have taken much notice of before, much less taken to heart. But now, instead there was warmth.

This time, she thought, I'll keep it. The small warmth in her chest blossomed further as she placed her hand where The Man's had been. Shining light, in name and now again in spirit, with a flower behind her ear and a spark in her eye.