Meridian Minds Her Own Business (Mostly)

Penley County Police Department Interview 8388846

Transcript of Audio Recording

June 7, 2025 | 11:32 AM

Interviewee: Meridian Christopher

Lead Detective: Thomas Ulmer

Detective: EJ Harlow

Detective Thomas Ulmer: Ms. Christopher, do you know why you are here today?

Ms. Meridian Christopher: Well, you found me in a bank vault that was locked from the outside. I imagine that has something to do with it.

Detective Ulmer: Right. You had a duffle bag of stolen goods on your person, including gold bars and money in varying denominations. Officers, with assistance from the bank managers, documented several hundred thousand dollars missing.

Ms. Christopher: Hmm. Mysterious.

Detective EJ Harlow: Ms. Christopher, this is very serious, so I suggest you begin treating this situation with the gravity it demands.

Detective Ulmer: We want to know how you got in the vault without compromising the locking function and we want to know where the missing goods are.

Detective Harlow: We are here to know the truth, whatever it may be.

LET THE RECORD SHOW A LONG PAUSE IN THE AUDIO RECORDING. VIDEO RECORDING SHOWS MS. CHRISTOPHER STARING UNBLINKING AT BOTH DETECTIVES FOR SEVERAL SECONDS BEFORE SMILING IN AN UNSETTLING MANNER.

Ms. Christopher: Suspend your disbelief for just a moment. What I can do, this power that I have, is complex. I don’t say this to be condescending; part of the magic of my ability is that the more you think about the mechanics of time, the more convoluted the thought becomes. It twists in your mind and the minute it begins to take shape, to form into a solid, the thought dissolves into smoke.

Plainly, I can think of a place, and there I am. In person. Flesh, bone, and blood. For reasons unknown I can bring whatever I want with me. Both ways. Cool, right? So, there I was, walking up Maple Street, really minding my own business, when some old biddy bumps into me and nearly makes me drop my iced Americano. It was seven dollars. For an iced Americano. Talk about a robbery!

She is a wreck. Crying and blubbering. She was such a sad creature, I couldn’t be mad at her! Accidents happen, don’t they? She apologizes more profusely than necessary — I did not spill my iced Americano, after all. The old biddy starts crying even more, if you believe it, saying the bank just behind her denied her access to her own account! Something about an unpaid late fee? I thought to myself, I’ve got nowhere to be today. Let us right some wrongs!

Detective Ulmer: I’m a little lost…

Ms. Christopher: It’s OK, I figured you would be.

Detective Harlow: Ms. Christopher, please tell us how you found yourself in the vault.

Ms. Christopher: I mean, I didn’t “find” myself there. I thought myself there. And there I was. I told you not to think too much about it.

Detective Ulmer: What you’re telling us is that you teleported yourself INTO a bank vault and stole hundreds of thousands of dollars?

Ms. Christopher: That would be the long and short of it, Detective. Keen observations; I see why you’re the lead.

Detective Harlow: I think that’s enough of that.

Detective Ulmer: No, no, I think we deserve to hear this out. I am not saying I believe your tale, Ms. Christopher, but you might have a pretty decent shot at an insanity plea.

Ms. Christopher: I wish I were insane! What a pleasure that would be. But no, I am perfectly in my head at all times. It’s just that sometimes my head goes different places. In 2008 I thought myself into Paris Hilton’s house just to see what it looked like, but there were some teenagers there doing some shady shit so I thought myself right back home.

Detective Harlow: Let’s get back on track.

Ms. Christopher: Right, the old biddy. I gave her a few dollars and told her to get herself a coffee at a shop across the street and I would talk to the bank manager about her account. See what I could do. She was grateful and I watched her sit down at a table with a latte before I thought myself into the vault. There was a duffle bag already in there. Maybe someone on the inside was planning on robbing the bank before I got there! Did you ever consider that?

Detective Ulmer: We will, hmph, look into that lead.

Ms. Christopher: Wow, look at us. Fighting crime together. This is great.

Detective Ulmer: This is not great. What happened next?

Ms. Christopher: The fun part is what happened next, Detective. I used that duffle bag from the previous inside-job robbery and stuffed it full of cash. I thought myself onto the sidewalk outside the cafe, walked right in, and told the old lady the bank made a mistake. "Here you go!" I said. I told her I needed the bag back so she, very discretely I might add, moved the money from the duffle bag into her own bag. Methinks she has a past if you catch my drift.

Detective Harlow: Uh-huh. About how much money did you give the woman and can you provide her name as well as a description of her appearance?

Ms. Christopher: I gave her however much fits in one single black duffle bag. I didn’t count it. As for a name? I didn’t get her name. Hmm. She looked like a Vera or maybe a Sandra? She had hair, two eyes, and a mouth. I believe she had ten fingers but don’t quote me on that!

Detective Harlow: None of that is helpful.

Ms. Christopher: Might be helpful to her if you’re planning on taking that hard-earned money away from her.

Detective Ulmer: Ms. Christopher, if you are being deliberately uncooperative, there will be issues for you in every step of the legal process. Now, tell us where you took the other goods and how our officers found you in that vault.

Ms. Christopher: OK, Ulmer, I thought we were vibing here and Harlow was the downer. I already mentioned that I gave some cash to my new old friend and then I stashed the rest for myself. Even Robin Hood took a cut, right?

Detective Harlow: You are not Robin Hood.

Ms. Christopher: You’re right. He’s a fox. …get it?

Detective Ulmer: Ms. Christopher, I must implore you to stay focused for your benefit.

Ms. Christopher: Focused as a cat on a laser, Ulmer. I was in the vault, packing up another load, when the door opened — to my shock! I thought it sounded like an adventure to get arrested, so I let them take me in to this charming building, and now I get to talk with you two! I told you earlier I had nothing going on today.

Detective Ulmer: And now you have confessed to the federal crime of bank robbery, which has been recorded via audio and video, with no sense of remorse or regret. Meridian Christopher, you are officially under arrest for the burglary of Maple Bank. Other charges against you will be addressed once the full investigation has been completed. We will be taking you to a cell prior to your initial hearing. I have already read you your rights, which you have acknowledged and understood. You chose not to have a lawyer present during this interview and you have the right to change that decision at any point of this process. Before I handcuff you and walk you to your cell, do you have anything else to say?

Ms. Christopher: Uh, yeah, I will not be going to jail today, but thank you so much for this opportunity.

Detective Ulmer: I assure you, you will be going to jail. You are under arrest.

Ms. Christopher: Yes, but you cannot keep me here.

Detective Harlow: Ma’am, you have fabricated a story so beyond comprehension of the sane mind. The game stops now. We know and you know that you cannot “think” yourself to another location. It is physically impossible. We can provide a physician should you need medical attention. But I will state this clearly: you are going to jail today.

Ms. Christopher: And I will state this clearly: I am not. Is the interview over?

Detectives Ulmer and Harlow: Yes.

Detective Ulmer: Time to get up and I will be placing these handcuffs on you.

Ms. Christopher: Well, it was a pleasure meeting you both. And such fun to be arrested! The handcuffs at the bank did hurt, I was none too pleased about that. And one officer was quite rough, which I felt was uncalled for. Nevertheless, what a productive day I had! Isn’t it beautiful to wake up and not know what the day will bring? Now I will go!

Detective Ulmer: You will not! You are to remain he—

VIDEO RECORDING SHOWS MS. CHRISTOPHER DISAPPEARING FROM CAMERA VIEW. UNKNOWN LOCATION.

Detective Ulmer: WHAT THE FUCK.

Detective Harlow: Holy shit. She’s…gone.

Detective Ulmer: Call for back up!

END TRANSCRIPT.