I Can Explain!

“Right, just keep on driving. Don’t mind the flaring lights and the man screaming into the cone,” the cop yelled through the megaphone.

My eyes flick to my rear-view mirror to see a cop practically sniffing my bumper. Who knows? With that nose, he might as well have been.

I slam my emergency lights on, and my car skids to the side of the road. I flip open my vanity mirror and fix my curls.

“License and registration,” the cop demands before my window can fully slide down.

“Hello, officer!” I plaster on the biggest smile I can manage. “It’s a nice afternoon, isn’t it? The sun is finally—"

“License and registration.”

“Right, sorry,” I squeak, scrambling for my documents.

The cop chews his mustache as he snatches my certificates. I lean in closer, narrowing my eyes.

Officer Woods. Detroit. Alright, I can handle an Officer Woods.

I straighten my back and puff out my chest.

“Felix Blackwood, is it?”

“The one and only.”

“I doubt that. Anyway, are you aware you’ve been driving with a suspended license? Not to mention, you were speeding like you’ve got a hot pizza on the passenger seat and a hungry bear in the back.”

“What?” I blink. “Anyway. What I’m about to tell you is going to seem absurd.”

Officer Woods rolls his eyes, so I take that as my cue.

“I was on my way to the DMV—"

“So you decided to speed?”

“Well—"

“Why didn’t you go before?”

“You see, it was my birthday—"

“You know you can replace your license online, correct?”

“Oh. Really? Didn’t know that. Anyway—"

“Alright, I’ve had enough of your excuses. Step out of the car with your hands behind your back.”

“Excuse me?!” I gasp, clutching my chest.

“Stop resisting arrest!”

“I’m not even—"

A sharp electric pain slams into my side, and I gasp. “Really? I just fixed my hair…” I mumble as everything tilts sideways, and my vision goes black.

“Ow…” I groan as my head hits the car door.

“My bad, sharp turn,” Officer Woods chuckles. “Anyway, we’re here.”

He hauls me by the shoulder and shoves me through the front door. I squint as the bright lights hit my eyes.

“Listen… Officer Woods. This is all a big misunderstanding. I mean, come on. All of this for just speeding and an expired license?”

Officer Woods' steps falter. “Oh, so you admit to speeding?”

“What? No—I was just reiterating what you said.” I adjust the cuffs. “I wasn’t speeding. Of course not. I’m a law-abiding citizen.”

“Right…” he says, eyeing me suspiciously. “You’re not just here for that kid.” He glances down at the file. “You’re also being arrested for Grand Theft Auto.”

“GTA?!” My voice echoes through the precinct. A few bystanders glance over. I clear my throat. “My apologies. I must have misheard you, Officer.”

“No, you heard me all right. The name, Felix Blackwood, isn’t registered under your Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution VI.”

“It’s my mom’s car! I swear!”

“I’ve heard that one before,” he groans. “Now, stand behind the lineup wall.” He pushes me against it.

“Ow! Will you stop slamming my head against things?!” I pause as he sets up the camera. “While you’re over there, do you mind grabbing me a mirror? I need to make sure my hair looks good for the picture. You never know who might see it,” I chuckle.

He gives me a confused look. “You’ve got bigger fish to fry.”

“What does that even—“

CLICK.

My mouth drops open. “I wasn’t ready! Retake the photo!”

“Well, looks like that was the last of the film. Better luck next time.”

“NEXT TIME?! Let me see that photo!” My long strides eat up the distance.

“Hey! I didn’t say you could move!”

“I just need to see it—"

“Hands off the camera—"

The camera clatters to the floor. I freeze. “I…”

“You just broke my nose, you unsalted saline cracker!" He gasps, clutching his face.

“Well… at least the rhinoplasty won’t be as expensive…”

“RHINOPLASTY?!”

“I mean, yeah. You needed one. I bet you could smell danger from a mile away.”

His eyes blaze as more blood seeps through his fingers. “That’s it! I’m charging you with assaulting an officer and destroying property!”

“WHAT?! No! I’m so sorry!” I plead.

“I’m assigning you to a cell tonight! Get comfortable, Blackwood. You’re gonna be here for a long time.”

I pause.

“So… did my hair look okay?”

A few months pass—my court date finally arrives. My lawyer, Mr. Haynes, and I sit at the counsel table.

“You know what, Felix. There’s no need to worry. Honestly, I’ve got a good feeling about this.” Mr. Haynes flashes me a charismatic smile as he fixes his hair in the mirror.

“You think so? Even with everything they’ve charged me with?”

“Ah, you’ll be fine,” he chuckles, waving his hand carelessly. “Is it your first time in court?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“Same.”

“Huh—"

“All rise,” the bailiff announces.

I glance around the room and catch eyes with Officer Woods and his new nose. The longer I look, the more I think I did him a favor. At least this one fits his face.

“You may be seated,” Judge Hart says as she settles in her chair. “We are here today in the matter of the State versus Blackwood… which appears to be quite the list.”

I open my mouth, but Mr. Haynes puts a hand on my shoulder, mouthing, I’ve got this.

“If I may, your honor—my client was wrongfully accused of what can only be described as a series of misunderstandings.” Mr. Haynes buttons his blazer.

“A series,” Judge Hart repeats slowly, flipping a page. “Including Grand Theft Auto?”

I lean forward. “To be fair. I didn’t realize it was Grand Theft Auto. It’s my mom’s car for goodness’ sake!” I say, flailing my arms around.

“If your name isn’t on the registration, it’s considered GTA, Mr. Blackwood.” She narrows her eyes. “And I’d watch your tongue.”

“Your honor,” the prosecutor pipes up. “The State would like to call its first witness. Officer Woods.”

Officer Woods rises and casts a glance in my direction. At least I think so—it's hard to tell with all the swelling.

“Please state your name for the record,” the bailiff says.

“Officer Marcus Woods.”

“Now, Officer Woods, before we start—” Mr. Haynes quickly interrupts. “How is the nose healing?”

“Objection! Relevance.”

“Sustained,” Judge Hart grumbles. “Let’s keep things case-related.”

“I think this is very related,” I mumble. “He provoked me!”

“Exactly!” Mr. Haynes adds, checking his hair.

The prosecutor sighs. “Mr. Blackwood, you are not the one testifying.”

“Oh, I’m very aware!” I huff. “But I can’t let this injustice continue!”

“Order!” Judge Hart slams her gavel, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Officer Woods.”

He straightens slightly.

“Please explain what happened. Briefly.”

“Briefly... I’ll try,” he sighs. “I pulled him over. He refused to cooperate. Then, he was being aggressive—"

“I was NOT aggressive!” I shoot to my feet, sending my chair crashing behind me.

“He really wasn’t,” Mr. Haynes adds.

“Then why is the officer’s nose broken?” The prosecutor stands.

I roll my eyes. “Oh, come on! That was an accident.”

“Really?" Officer Woods snaps. "Because you keep mentioning my nose every chance you get.”

I slam my hands on the table. “You nose why!”

A silence falls over the courtroom.

“Mr. Blackwood,” Judge Hart says slowly. “Is there anything else you’d like to add… that doesn’t involve Officer Woods’ nose?”

I hesitate.

“Uh… can I still renew my license online?”

Judge Hart slams the gavel. “Guilty.”

Mr. Haynes pats my shoulder. “Don’t worry,” he whispers. “We’ll win on appeal.”

“Court is adjourned,” Judge Hart announces.

I lean forward slightly, lowering my voice. “So… I’m guessing that’s a no on the mugshot retake?”