SECONDS, I HAD! A true story…

“Jump, Michelle, jump”! “You know you want to”— possesses my thoughts, devouring my willpower while seductively seizing control of my body; an impulse so great that I honestly couldn’t tell where it was coming from or why it was even there. Believe me when I say, “I want to live”. So leaping to my death is not a personal objective of mine. However, something was pulling me down; a force so intense that it gripped my vulnerable bones, drawing me closer to its magnetism. Or was it something even deeper within my own subconscious, a temptation, a dare, an orgasmic moment of simply letting go of the control?

Seconds, I had to make a decision: let go and fall, or fight the impulse to jump.

Above, the January sun gently splashes down its comforting rays, embracing my lightly clothed skin. Indeed, an extremely pleasant day for this time of year. Warmth, that tends to seduce compliance and raw curiosity—perhaps a bit too much in my case. However, I was a willing participant, not at all a victim. I wanted to be there. To test myself, conquer my fear of heights, and explore the voluptuous mountains speckling these islands, the Canary Islands, to be more specific. Though I had no idea that I would find myself in a life-and-death scenario like this.

Seconds, I had to make a decision: give in or face my fears head-on.

Funny, how one minute I was happily climbing towards euphoria — the next I'm now facing impending doom. “Am I making the right decisions in my life, or is something else dictating my choices?” A chronic theme constantly plaguing my analytical mind; every experience is thrust into one big mental board meeting, weighing the pros and cons of all my choices. Admittedly, I need to be in control, which can, many times, intercept pleasure. So here I am on top of this seemingly small grassy bald-like island hill thinking, “I’m feeling good, not too high up, just a short distance from the highway where the tourist bus dropped me off”, until I glance over—look down—and discover the fifteen thousand foot drop into the valley below. Something I was completely unaware of until I got to the top of this hill. Quickly, vertigo kicks in, warping my thoughts and distorting my vision. Pleasure swiftly abandons me—replaced by an out-of-body compulsion to jump—like a gravitational magnet pulling me down—immediately forcing my higher brain to assemble into an emergency mental board meeting.

Seconds, I had to make a decision: admit defeat or take back control.

Screamed, I did, but not in ecstasy, only pure unadulterated fear. A plan from my mental board meeting wasn’t resulting fast enough, and there was no, no, no way in heck that that seductive valley below was luring me to jump into its rocky arms. “Not today, mister!” Quickly, I looked around, desperate for something to help anchor me to the hill. Walla! There it was—a spiky cacti-like shrub thriving nearby. Like a damsel in distress, I grabbed onto eight inches of this non-prickly succulent, hoping it was strong enough to save me. Seemingly, it was. However, I still needed to get back down to the highway below and flee this invasive impulse to leap.

Seconds, I had to make a decision: cling to this shrub forever or trust myself.

“Stay low, Michelle, and the gravitational pull diminishes completely,” finally results from my emergency mental board meeting. “Crab walk, sister” is the board’s consensus. Yes, yes, yes…. that is what I must do to get myself out of this predicament. Flip onto my back and crawl safely down the hill so my head is looking up, not down. Oops, I just caught a glimpse of the valley below. “Jump, Michelle, jump”! “You know you want to.”

Seconds, I had to make a decision: save myself or submit.

“No, no, no, you don’t! La, la, la, la, la, la, la, I’m drowning you out—nasty bad thoughts—until I make it down this hill.” Methodically, behind my back, one leg moves forward, the other follows; one arm moves forward, the other follows. Repeat as hill dust rises from the wake of my slow yet well-coordinated crab-walking movements. “You can do this, Michelle. You’re almost there,” echoes reassurance stemming from the members of my mental board meeting. “You can do this!” Oh, crap, is that my bus down there? Damn it, I looked down again!

Seconds, I had to make a decision: let the earth have me or resist, resist, resist…

Oh shut up, already. My analytical brain shrieked, “I am going to miss the bus if I don’t get the heck down from here, now!” Being forced to walk back to the town a few miles back quickly became my new impending doom—and it’s going to be dark soon—so I must look down in order to get to the highway faster.

Seconds, I had to make a decision: catch that bus or miss it.

I shot up, courageously, standing tall, bravely deflecting any and all haunting impulses to jump by using my new and much bigger desire to catch that bus! I‘m in control, not you, mister! You may think your magnetism is so strong, your allure so intense, that I am but a victim of nature. But you’d be wrong. Sure, I have my weaknesses. Sometimes I may relinquish control for a brief, seemingly seductive moment, but when push comes to shove, I ditch eroticism for practicality; a dialogue racing through my mind as I fearlessly sprint down the hill—just in time to catch the bus before it pulls away. Smiling to myself, I conquer my breathlessness and gracefully lie back into a warm, velvety-covered coach seat. Satisfied, my eyes begin to close until, “Do you mind if I sit with you?” penetrates my bliss. Slowly, a rather handsome Canarian comes into focus. Immediately, my impulse is, “Sure, why not?” until he blurts out, “Was that you I just saw crab walking down the hill back there? Laughing his head off, he continues with, I have never seen anything more hilarious in my life, you women crack me up.”

Seconds, I had to make a decision...